Brace yourself, this is a weird one!

[ken]

Okay, I'll try to keep this simple. I moved to a new area three years ago and found myself with a bunch of new friends, all roughly the same age (i.e. early to mid 20s). Most of my friends are girls...which is no big deal - i think. Anyway, after about a year i began to develop strong feelings for my friend Becca. Soon enough all of our friends knew about this, and i confronted Becca about what seemed to be this great chemistry between us.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, at the time she was in a long term relationship and told me more or less to wait, citing bad timing and all.

 

 

 

Eventually, I took a job thousands of miles away before anything ever developed between us, and i always thought "what if"?

 

 

 

Okay, here's where it gets confusing...about a year later (one year ago) i returned to this same place and same circle of friends, Becca et al. Turns out everyone had scattered to a few different towns and cities in the time while i was away, but all still kept in close touch.

 

 

 

I moved to a larger city close to where we had all originally met and found out that Becca's best friend, Reena, was now living there too. Reena had been a good friend to me and had listened to me ramble on all those times over my feelings for Becca before.

 

 

 

I was excited to re-connect with Reena and I immediately got in touch with her. For six months or so we would hang out once or twice a week, going to movies, clubs, shopping, whatever. Then six months ago, Reena informed me that she and her roommates needed another roommate...and so i moved in, it would mean cheaper rent and nicer roommates.

 

 

 

Since then, i have to say i've enjoyed living with Reena and my other roommates, BUT i do detect a hint of sexual tension between Reena and myself. So far we have been strictly platonic but my feelings are really starting to change, and i fear that this relationship may be already past the point of developing into anything...especially since Reena still believes i am madly in love with Becca (whom i hardly see).

 

 

 

One of my female roommates and her boyfriend confronted Reena and i last week and told us their theory that Reena and i are secretly a couple. They told us to come clean. Of course they laughed, and i guess they were half kidding...but Reena didn't really laugh or say much of anything. I admit i kinda reacted a little awkwardly too.

 

 

 

It's true, we do seem like a couple sometimes...we give each other massages, sometimes fall asleep on the couch together, have our little quarrels about trivial things. BUT she also enjoys talking to me about the cute guys at her work and sometimes complains to me about how she wishes she weren't single.

 

 

 

Long story, short...I don't know, what to do here...how do i handle this. I've thought of just kissing her sometime, or even just bringing things up in conversation, but i really don't want her to react badly or awkwardly...i really cannot afford to move right now either. PLEASE HELP! If you're still awake after reading this. Sorry for the length, but this is eating me up. I appreciate whatever advice anyone may have.

[Tony T]

You're going to have to come clean with your feelings here and clear the air. There's no sense in putting yourself through torture like this, especially if your feelings are going to intensify.

 

In some sort of roundabout way, let Reena know you are very fond of her and wouldn't mind a dating situation. If she seems to light up, you've got a positive answer. If she resists, let it go for a time...and bring it up later.

 

It sounds like there's something going on here...and she just needs time to process the information.

 

Don't even worry about Becca or anything related to her where Reena is concerned.

[clia]

about this situation is that the two of you are currently living together. I would not recommend a dating situation while you live together. It could only get uncomfortable if things don't work out. Also, if you have a squabble or need some space, you have nowhere to go. She will always be in your face and in your business. And imagine if you break up and then you want to start a relationship with someone else. Eek. (I know other people live with you, but still.) I think you should definitely come clean about your feelings, but if the two of you decide to date, you should move out and get your own place. At least at first. Later on down the road if things get more serious you can move in together.

 

Now, about the whole Becca thing. That was a long time ago and she lives far away. Do you talk to her still? That's ancient history, unless, of course, you still have feelings for her. Do you? It's not fair to Reena if you still have feelings for Becca and start dating Reena. (And no doubt this has crossed her mind.) Hey, you are entitled to change your mind, especially when you've spent a substantial amount of time with Reena lately.

 

You and Reena are definitely doing 'couple' things, in my opinion. If you don't know how to bring it up, you could just mention what your other roommate said and say that it's been bothering you. Say something along the lines of "What would you think of us as a couple?" If she goes into hysterics, all bets are off, but I'm doubting she will, especially if she acted uncomfortably when your other roommate suggested the idea. Sounds like maybe it's crossed her mind.

 

Good luck!

[ken]

First of all, I must thank you and Tony for such great advice! This is my first time on this site, and i'm very impressed.

 

 

 

To answer your question regarding my mess. Yes, Becca (the original crush) does live a couple hours away. She comes to our place to visit about once a month. I do admit that each time she visits there is some amount of mutual flirting. I am definitely still attracted to her. But, that does not compare with the way i feel about Reena. I feel a closeness to her Becca and i never had. Reena is the one i want, no doubts there.

 

 

 

Stupidly, i kinda led Reena to believe i had it bad for Becca for a while, as a way of covering up my true feelings for her. I know this is ridiculous...but i guess there's not much i can do about it.

 

 

 

Maybe i do need to talk to Reena about this, but i know that i'll need to move out if i do...not an enviable situation. I just wish there were an easier way out, that's all. I'm afraid that by opening up to Reena about this will cause a rift between all of our mutual friends too...it could end up being a real negative experience.

 

 

 

Thanks again.