A question for women

[j21bird]

On this site (which is a great resource and am glad I found it) I have read several threads that have a similar theme:

 

A couple is in a relationship for months or even years. The relationship begins to cool as one or both parties became too comfortable and the effort being placed into the relationship declines, then one day the woman tells the man that she is done with the relationship and is moving on.

 

The man begins to panic and does not know what to do; he calls her a few days after the initial break up and asks the woman what is going on? why did you break things off? do you just need some time to yourself? can we still be friends ? and so on.

 

The woman confirms that she does want space. The man then enlists No Contact and tries his best stick with it. He goes to the gym a few times and tells himself he is changing and a month later he sends her a text asking to get coffee. She ignores him. He waits another month and emails her and she responds and says maybe we can be friends down the road but for now she needs to focus on herself. And then another month goes by and he texts or emails again. . . you the see the pattern.

 

It seems like this pattern never has a happy ending and just creates false hope for the man and delays him from moving on and finding someone new.

 

When reading threads like this my heart really goes out to these guys as I have been there myself and I think a lot of guys out there go through something like this in their college years/early 20s. I am 30 BTW.

 

My question to women is, when a relationship cools off and does not end in cheating or some other kind of event that makes it impossible to reconcile, instead of the man sending these weak texts, emails or phone calls, what if the man knocked on her door after she tells him it's over the first time and he stands up straight, confidently looks her in the eye and says:

 

"I am here because I believe in us. I am here because this relationship has value and is worth fighting for. There have been too many beautiful moments to just let something great just fade away. This is not about my feelings in regards to the finality of this relationship, this about a deep confident belief that we are great together and we know great things will happen if put in the work and not just let things slowly dissolve in apathy. You are worth it and we are worth it."

 

Would a swinging for the fences approach work if it comes from a place of confidence and the man does not beg for a second chance or talks about how much he misses her, but rather how much he believes the relationship is worth fighting for?

 

The approach of a man pussyfooting around and texting an x once every 30 days to get coffee seems to never work and is downright unhealthy delaying the healing process.

 

Since that does seem to be such a common situation, what are people's thoughts on the above swinging for the fence with confidence approach?

[basil67]

She has been clear that she wants the relationship to end. In this case, he should not send monthly texts or confidently turn up on her door step. What he needs to do is respect her decision to end the relationship.

 

As for the stuff one could say on the doorstep, it's just rubbish. If the partners were great together, one wouldn't have left. If it was worth working for, then they wouldn't have gotten lazy. And why should the one who's leaving be expected to do work to save a relationship which they don't want?

 

No Contact with a view to getting over them is the only way forward.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm a woman, and I can only speak from my own experience.

 

When I have lost interest in the relationship, it's done. It didn't matter if my ex reached out after 30 days, showed up in person with flowers, swore we could work on it. (All of which have actually happened) Those feelings - for me- were gone and that chapter had closed.

 

When somebody tells you they're no longer in love (woman or man) believe them. Some relationships really do run their course even when nobody has done anything "wrong." Sadly, I see a lot of people who refuse to accept that human nature isn't always logical. Emotions are not formulaic and cannot always be explained.

 

Is reconciliation always impossible? No. It does happen. But based on my experience and observation, when someone has really lost interest it isn't likely to change.

[RocketQueen]

I was in this situation Reversed with my Ex (I'm female) and my Ex and I had sporadic contact for a while and even had an attempt at reconciling- his idea, he was the dumper but I feel it was just a lazy attempt on his part.

 

It ended with me saying I still cared for him and he knew where I was if he decided he truly wanted to give it a go, that I was going no contact and would not be consciously 'waiting' for him. He can't seem to stay out of contact and its really annoying and I hate ignoring anyone.

 

It seems common regardless of gender that the dumpee ends up having to do the final break eventually, which is unfair.

 

I myself, once I am done and the decision is mine am done no amount of anything will change my mind.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm with my friends above, once I've found the courage to end things, it's over. I would have broken up for a reason otherwise we would still be together working it out.

[ecd38]

I only speak from my own experience, but I have a lot of opinion on this. I genuinely respect the fact that you want to approach from the right angle and say something well thought out rather than emotional. The problem is, if a girl isn't interested anymore, even if there isn't another man involved or anything, she's just not interested. It takes massive guts to end a long term relationship. I ended a 6 year relationship and that was incredibly hard to end because of the comfort and we worked well together and I cared about him. But bottom line I just wasn't in love with him anymore and he did not deserve that. I did not see a future with him and he took it hard because the feelings were not mutual. Sure, I wanted to hear from him out of comfort but I knew that was unhealthy and not right. In the long run after going years without communication I am very satisfied the relationship ended and that I found the right one. This is something a lot of people struggle with, the difference between comfort and love. The fact that I was able to break up with him knowing I may never have him again was a bold statement, and that applies for most breakups. I just think the general rule of thumb is that a breakup is a breakup and you can't force someone to feel the same way about you. If they left you, it's because they wanted the relationship to end. It doesn't mean they got off easy, but there's no hidden signal in there that she's trying to get you to find or way to get the relationship back once someone took that measure to end it. I know people play games, but to end a relationship isn't easy so if someone did it, it is as simple as they wanted the relationship to end.

[lericenciel]

I gave my ex a second chance. It took time apart and with other women for me to realise that I still loved her. People find a funny way around love.

[Methodical]

Before relationships dissolve, I believe a certain amount of "fight to keep it together" has already been implemented, to no avail. Once that battle has been fought and laid to rest, I'm not sure it can be resurrected. You can certainly try though.

[Michelle ma Belle]

If someone has come to the decision to end their relationship and ask for space, it should be respected. Period.

 

I realize this can be very difficult especially when the dumped did not want the break up in the first place and is still in love but it takes two people to make a relationship work.

 

I think it's critical when this happens that everyone try to move on, particularly the dumped. I mean, no one is telling the dumped to stop living his/her life indefinitely after all, they're doing that all on their own. The dumped needs to take some responsibility for the time they're wasting on someone who isn't ready reconcile, now or ever.

[SOB86]

I'm a woman, and I can only speak from my own experience.

 

When I have lost interest in the relationship, it's done. It didn't matter if my ex reached out after 30 days, showed up in person with flowers, swore we could work on it. (All of which have actually happened) Those feelings - for me- were gone and that chapter had closed.

 

When somebody tells you they're no longer in love (woman or man) believe them. Some relationships really do run their course even when nobody has done anything "wrong." Sadly, I see a lot of people who refuse to accept that human nature isn't always logical. Emotions are not formulaic and cannot always be explained.

 

Is reconciliation always impossible? No. It does happen. But based on my experience and observation, when someone has really lost interest it isn't likely to change.

 

God damn that's depressing. Makes me think that the act of trying to find a meaningful relationship is just futile.

[JuanDelToro]

My question to women is, when a relationship cools off and does not end in cheating or some other kind of event that makes it impossible to reconcile, instead of the man sending these weak texts, emails or phone calls, what if the man knocked on her door after she tells him it's over the first time and he stands up straight, confidently looks her in the eye and says:

 

"I am here because I believe in us. I am here because this relationship has value and is worth fighting for. There have been too many beautiful moments to just let something great just fade away. This is not about my feelings in regards to the finality of this relationship, this about a deep confident belief that we are great together and we know great things will happen if put in the work and not just let things slowly dissolve in apathy. You are worth it and we are worth it."

 

Would a swinging for the fences approach work if it comes from a place of confidence and the man does not beg for a second chance or talks about how much he misses her, but rather how much he believes the relationship is worth fighting for?

 

The approach of a man pussyfooting around and texting an x once every 30 days to get coffee seems to never work and is downright unhealthy delaying the healing process.

 

Since that does seem to be such a common situation, what are people's thoughts on the above swinging for the fence with confidence approach?

 

I`m a man and i`m telling you now that this `confident` approach it`s not confident at all, it reeks neediness no matter how well you`ll present yourself. These are just chick flick fantasies.

 

The ONLY confident approach is to turn your back and walk. When a partner loses the attraction, interest, feelings, whatever and they reject you, you don`t try to convince them otherwise. You walk away with your head high and you go about living your life, eventually finding someone that appreciates you more or is a better match.

 

If things turnaround and you still want to be with them, well that`s fine as well, but let them come back on their own.

 

PS. Trust me here, if you go about doing this at the end you will multiply your hurt in tenfold and it`ll take longer to recover.

[desertfunguy]

The truth is, most relationships are disposable. I have been married for 15 years and have two wonderful kids. My marriage will be coming to an end shortly, and I have tried everything under the sun to get it back on track. The truth is, she does not love me. She has not loved me in about 5 years, and I have hung in there, and so has she, for the kids. She will not be the one to end it, she is okay with no affection, and having no respect for her man. She likes me as a father, and likes the stability I bring. I would walk out with a smile, if it were not for my kids. They are going to be devastated. This will have a tremendously negative impact on them, and it will be hard to fix. Our finances, two homes, credit, etc. will get blown to bits. everyone is going to get crushed by this, but at least I will be able to feel real human companionship, and not feel sick every time I breathe.

 

In one sense, she is stupid. I went to marriage counseling, she refused to go. Now she wants to, but cannot make the time. It is laughable, but horrendous being in the middle of this.

 

We have a trip planned for July with the kids, and I am just hanging on trying to make it to this, so I don't wreck it for them. I really want to go apartment shopping tomorrow and find something furnished, and move out. I want to have a plan for joint physical and legal custody asap. She and I both work, and make about the same income, so this will at least be simplified.

 

It all makes me sick to my stomach, but what can I do? I would never have thought this would happen, I really work hard at being a good guy. She has an intense personality that has gotten amplified over the years. I don't know if she has cheated, she claims she never has, but I wonder... There have been many indications over the years. Honestly, I feel like I got a tremendously bad deal in this, but will never abandon my kids. She will not initiate a divorce because she would never want to face them as having been the person who did this. I am much more of a feeling person, and do not want to continue to live in this type of hell for much longer.

 

I really think that modern society has lost any need for marriage. I would never do it again, and will have girlfriends, but would never give up my independence again. It makes me sick to say these things, but I feel betrayed by her. It has become a lingering betrayal.

[urmysong]

I know people play games, but to end a relationship isn't easy so if someone did it, it is as simple as they wanted the relationship to end.

 

I think I have to believe it. Cause my heart still hoping that he will come back for me and not just for our son. Thank You...I believe now that it is really END. I will not hope anymore...

[j21bird]

If someone has come to the decision to end their relationship and ask for space, it should be respected. Period.

 

I realize this can be very difficult especially when the dumped did not want the break up in the first place and is still in love but it takes two people to make a relationship work.

 

I think it's critical when this happens that everyone try to move on, particularly the dumped. I mean, no one is telling the dumped to stop living his/her life indefinitely after all, they're doing that all on their own. The dumped needs to take some responsibility for the time they're wasting on someone who isn't ready reconcile, now or ever.

 

So I never did show up at her doorstep. It has been difficult and for me the frustrating thing is that she wanted to get married. She showed me pictures of the kind of ring she wanted and talked about the kind of wedding she wanted. She told me I was the love of her life and that it would always be us. i truly loved her and felt she was the one.

 

I dragged my feet for about 3 years from the time she started making it clear that she wanted me to propose. I was too focused on getting my career going. I wanted to be in a better financial position before I proposed.

 

Looking back at the last couple months of the relationship she was dropping a lot of hints about wanting to start a family. With her saying all these things over the years about how I was the love of her life and so forth, I just did not understand that she would get tired of waiting and would end things. The clock was ticking and I took it for granted.

 

It's just tough to understand how a woman could make it so clear that she wanted to marry me and then one day lose patience and end the relationship. She had just turned 30 before ending things.

 

I don't feel she lost interest in me, I think she just did not want to wait anymore.

 

I messed up when the break up took place. i played it too cool. I went into NC mode when it should have been an immediate wake up call. Seems like NC is not always the best route to take. I do believe there are breakups when it is needed to look her in the eye and lay your feelings out on the table. By me going into NC for five months probably just confirmed in her mind that I really was not serious, which was not true at all. I really wanted to marry this girl. I just had my head up my butt about doing it when I had a better job.

 

I waited too long. I texted her about a month ago after 5 months of no contact and she said she wanted space and was seeing someone. The next day I noticed she had blocked me on all social media. She had not blocked me during the previous months of NC. I only looked at her social media a couple times during those months. I did my best to stay away from her social media during that time.

 

Just seems like I let a great one slide out of my hands and did not put up a fight. Now it is a huge regret. I think that was what she really wanted was for me to really show that I was willing to fight for her, for us.

 

I have gone out with about 6 women on one time dates- just casual meet for a drink and appetizer kind of thing. I have been trying to keep living my life. 5 out the 6 women contacted me following the date saying they had a great time and would like to meet again, but i did not get excited- they are not her.

 

What option do I have? I want her back. I have not gone and knocked on her door as I worry I might be crushed if she slams the door in my face.

 

On the other hand I don't want to be 90 years old and upset that I did not at least give it one more chance.

[JuanDelToro]

I gather you haven't read my previous post.

 

The reason why I commented was that I went through a pretty similar situation, with the only difference that I was the one waiting. I had made my intentions very clear but she kept leading me on with her indecisiveness.

 

If you really want to try your luck and explore that option, then do it, rock up to her doorstep proclaiming your love and maybe get her a ring and propose at the same time to show how serious you are. But do prepare yourself for a very possible negative outcome, because if it happens it's going to hurt and it's going to hurt a lot for a long time.

I did it and then I spend two years in pure agony. Just for a moment of impulse and letting emotions take over not only i condemned myself to a living nightmare but I also blew my chances with her.

Mind you I was doing great after the first breakup and before I tried to get her back in that way, but everything took a dramatic turn afterwards.

 

Although everyone is different and we deal with such situations differently, i still can relate to you and I want in a sense to protect you from damaging yourself and also to give you the little wisdom I possess which I gained through experience.

 

Your chances of getting her back would be significantly greater if you let her go now.

 

It sounds counterproductive and your mind is telling you otherwise but you're being misguided by emotions. If you really are the love of her life as she stated in the past, time will work on your favor and she will eventually come back when she's ready.

Do not put a timeframe though, just forget about it and go on living your life. You never know what will be waiting around the corner. It could be another woman that will well and truly rock your universe.

 

If you're wondering, my ex did try to come back. Many times in a spawn of two years. She initiated contact first but as a woman she wanted me to take the first step towards reconciliation without exposing herself. But I was so hurt and angry that i forced myself in facing her with brutal indifference every time.

 

Anyhow I really hope whatever plan of action you choose to take, to be successful.

[j21bird]

JuanDelToro,

 

I did read your previous post. Your cautionary story did make me think, and in some part, likely caused me to pause and think about knocking on her door.

 

It is very difficult to think clearly and be objective in these types of situations.

 

What I have decided to do is not contact her at all, no emails, no buying a ring, no grand romantic gestures, although I day dream about it.

 

It has been hard enough these last few weeks, but to go and show up at her place like something out of a movie and then if she tells me to screw off, I would be crushed.

 

She lives with a lesbian couple. I have nothing against them in anyway, it's just that the couple she lived with were always cold to me when I was over there at her place while we were dating. Neither of them were ever on my side and that is for sure. So knocking on her door with a couple that did not care for me would just make it harder.

 

My ex has left no hints or breadcrumbs that she wishes for me to contact her over these last few weeks.

 

For me it is now not about going into no contact mode, it is about going into moving on mode.

 

Maybe I will get an email or a text from her at some point, but I can't hang on to that kind of thinking.

 

Maybe a year or two from now I will reach out to her if I still feel strongly, but for now I am going to keep meeting other women. For instance, I went and saw an outdoor movie last night for a first date with a woman. She texted me today saying she had a great time and would like to hang out again. She is a nice girl, but not my type and I don't see myself going out with her again. However, it was good to put myself out there and not just mope around at home thinking about my ex.

 

My gut tells me to take action and knock on her door, but the rational side is telling me to protect my heart and distance myself from my ex. Hopefully this line of thinking is not fear disguised as practicality.

 

Love is a crazy thing.

[tinkerbell16]

JuanDelToro,

 

I did read your previous post. Your cautionary story did make me think, and in some part, likely caused me to pause and think about knocking on her door.

 

It is very difficult to think clearly and be objective in these types of situations.

 

What I have decided to do is not contact her at all, no emails, no buying a ring, no grand romantic gestures, although I day dream about it.

 

It has been hard enough these last few weeks, but to go and show up at her place like something out of a movie and then if she tells me to screw off, I would be crushed.

 

She lives with a lesbian couple. I have nothing against them in anyway, it's just that the couple she lived with were always cold to me when I was over there at her place while we were dating. Neither of them were ever on my side and that is for sure. So knocking on her door with a couple that did not care for me would just make it harder.

 

My ex has left no hints or breadcrumbs that she wishes for me to contact her over these last few weeks.

 

For me it is now not about going into no contact mode, it is about going into moving on mode.

 

Maybe I will get an email or a text from her at some point, but I can't hang on to that kind of thinking.

 

Maybe a year or two from now I will reach out to her if I still feel strongly, but for now I am going to keep meeting other women. For instance, I went and saw an outdoor movie last night for a first date with a woman. She texted me today saying she had a great time and would like to hang out again. She is a nice girl, but not my type and I don't see myself going out with her again. However, it was good to put myself out there and not just mope around at home thinking about my ex.

 

My gut tells me to take action and knock on her door, but the rational side is telling me to protect my heart and distance myself from my ex. Hopefully this line of thinking is not fear disguised as practicality.

 

Love is a crazy thing.

 

The dumper has to want to come back. They ended it for a reason. IF it was worth saving THEY have to come to the conclusion on their own that they made a mistake. To try to pursued that conclusion would lead to further hurt and disappointment. She will have to experience life without you and one of two things will happen... She will determine life is better without you and you will never hear from her again or she will see life is not better without you and you will hear from her again and the ball will be in your court. You will either be available and willing to give her a second chance or you won't be... but to push her before this conclusion is a mistake. Move forward with your life as if you will never hear from her again. And yes, love is a fickle thing

[j21bird]

Update: I have not been in contact with my ex over these last few weeks. I have gone on more dates and girls message me next day saying they had a lot of fun and would like to hang out again, but thus far I have not met one that I have been too excited about.

 

I went and visited some college friends- now a they are a married couple. I visited them this last week for lunch. They both knew my ex and I since the time we first started dating. They still live in the college town my ex and I went to college at where we met 9 years ago.

 

I only visit this couple once or twice a year as they live about 100 miles away.

 

During lunch they said guess who stayed with us last night? I said my ex, and of course that was correct.

 

I played it cool, as I wanted to ask a bunch of questions, but I was very measured and did not say much. I asked if they stay in close touch with my ex and they said they only see her about once every three months or so.

 

So the odds that I would be getting lunch with them the day after she was up at their place must be pretty low.

 

A part of me wished they did not tell me that she stayed at their house the night before. I did not want to linger on the subject, but they said a couple of things that stood out.

 

They said she talked about me the night before. The husband said that the first time I post a photo of me and some new girl that I can count on my ex contacting me.

 

I then asked what did my ex say about me (i had to ask, you cannot blame me) the wife shrugged her shoulders and smiled and then said she promised she would not say.

 

They also said that my ex's photography business is not doing too well and that she has not been doing well overall the last few months. They told me that I am doing well and am headed in a good direction- I am self employed and my business has been growing in the right direction post break up. They also said my Ex is struggling to find her identity post break up. They praised me for growing my business and not going out partying after the break up.

 

So not sure what this all means. I have been staying in NC since. I am probably over analyzing all of this. Not in a million years did expect to be getting lunch with this couple and then they tell me that My ex visited them the night before.

 

I am going to stay in NC for the time being.

Edited June 9, 2016 by j21bird

[Miss Clavel]

So I never did show up at her doorstep. It has been difficult and for me the frustrating thing is that she wanted to get married. She showed me pictures of the kind of ring she wanted and talked about the kind of wedding she wanted. She told me I was the love of her life and that it would always be us. i truly loved her and felt she was the one.

 

I dragged my feet for about 3 years from the time she started making it clear that she wanted me to propose. I was too focused on getting my career going. I wanted to be in a better financial position before I proposed.

 

Looking back at the last couple months of the relationship she was dropping a lot of hints about wanting to start a family. With her saying all these things over the years about how I was the love of her life and so forth, I just did not understand that she would get tired of waiting and would end things. The clock was ticking and I took it for granted.

 

It's just tough to understand how a woman could make it so clear that she wanted to marry me and then one day lose patience and end the relationship. She had just turned 30 before ending things.

 

I don't feel she lost interest in me, I think she just did not want to wait anymore.

 

I messed up when the break up took place. i played it too cool. I went into NC mode when it should have been an immediate wake up call. Seems like NC is not always the best route to take. I do believe there are breakups when it is needed to look her in the eye and lay your feelings out on the table. By me going into NC for five months probably just confirmed in her mind that I really was not serious, which was not true at all. I really wanted to marry this girl. I just had my head up my butt about doing it when I had a better job.

 

 

What option do I have? I want her back. I have not gone and knocked on her door as I worry I might be crushed if she slams the door in my face.

 

On the other hand I don't want to be 90 years old and upset that I did not at least give it one more chance.

 

damn dude, what are you waiting for? go and get her. pick up/rent/borrow a ring and go and ask her to marry you.

 

if she says no, then let go and move on.

 

if you're gonna be a fool, then act like one. that way, when you get your guts kicked in and all you feel is chagrin, say to yourself, "i was a fool, amen, the end".

 

there are worse things, regret being one.

 

good luck.

[JuanDelToro]

^ I don't agree with that advice, he'll get burned and then the REGRET will be even bigger.

 

J21bird. Doesn't matter what your friends said about her, don't try to over-analyze things. You know where I stand with this, give both of you time and go on about your life. You're doing well by maintaining NC.

[Buddhist]

My question to women is, when a relationship cools off and does not end in cheating or some other kind of event that makes it impossible to reconcile, instead of the man sending these weak texts, emails or phone calls, what if the man knocked on her door after she tells him it's over the first time and he stands up straight, confidently looks her in the eye and says:

 

"I am here because I believe in us. I am here because this relationship has value and is worth fighting for. There have been too many beautiful moments to just let something great just fade away. This is not about my feelings in regards to the finality of this relationship, this about a deep confident belief that we are great together and we know great things will happen if put in the work and not just let things slowly dissolve in apathy. You are worth it and we are worth it."

 

For me personally? Yes it's impossible to reconcile. The reason being I don't break up with people because things 'cooled off'. I only break up when it's absolutely clear to me that we are fundamentally incompatible and have already attempted all means of reconciliation from within the relationship. In short the relationship is dead. And dead things don't come back to life.

 

I never ever ask for space. I break up which means I then initiate no contact, which means it is impossible for him to send me weak emails, txts or what have you. Should he turn up on my doorstep several months later I am likely to tell him to stop wasting his time and leave otherwise I will call the police.

 

As far as I'm concerned breakups are 100% of the time final, absolute and not to be used as testing grounds for someone's love. There is no love once a break up has occurred and no chance that anything good will come of contacting me once one has been initiated.

[j21bird]

For me personally? Yes it's impossible to reconcile. The reason being I don't break up with people because things 'cooled off'. I only break up when it's absolutely clear to me that we are fundamentally incompatible and have already attempted all means of reconciliation from within the relationship. In short the relationship is dead. And dead things don't come back to life.

 

I never ever ask for space. I break up which means I then initiate no contact, which means it is impossible for him to send me weak emails, txts or what have you. Should he turn up on my doorstep several months later I am likely to tell him to stop wasting his time and leave otherwise I will call the police.

 

As far as I'm concerned breakups are 100% of the time final, absolute and not to be used as testing grounds for someone's love. There is no love once a break up has occurred and no chance that anything good will come of contacting me once one has been initiated.

 

Buddhist, I see what you are saying, but that is not the situation here. She wanted to get married, she mentioned several times that I was the love of her life. One of the last times I saw her, she said she wanted to start a family. I see the situation as me dragging my feet for years and she got frustrated and did not want to wait around for me forever. I was dumb for thinking I could take my time and wait until things were more perfect. I should have fought for us when she initiated the break up. I played it too cool thinking she would come back.

 

From her perspective, I imagine she viewed my NC as confirmation that I really was not that serious about things and confirmed what she was already thinking.

 

Now if i I show up at her doorstep after all these months it will just look odd and she would have all the leverage. She would question why now? She would wonder why did not I not fight for us 6 months ago when she initiated the break up?

 

If someday I get a text or email from her I would have the leverage.

 

But doing nothing also seems like a path to regret as well.

 

I boxed up all the notes and letters she gave me and put them away in the basement- out of sight out of mind. About a month ago I opened the box and the notes and letters- some of which go all the way back to the beginning of the relationship. Many of the notes and letters say to never give up on us and that it is always going to be me.

 

I am cautious by nature most likely a little too cautious for my own good, I have a good head on my shoulders.

 

The last week or two I keep having dreams at night that feel so real of us reconciling. Other than that I have a good quality of life- my business is growing, I eat well, exercise and lift weights, have several good friends and so on.

 

I totally understand NC, and will not break it here in the foreseeable future, but I mean at some point I will have to show up at her door right?

 

Just seems like a situation where If I were sitting in a bar and told this story to the two people sitting on both sides of me one would say get off your butt and win her back and the other would say you have to wait for her to come back.

 

Feels like darned if I do darned if I don't.

[JuanDelToro]

 

 

Just seems like a situation where If I were sitting in a bar and told this story to the two people sitting on both sides of me one would say get off your butt and win her back and the other would say you have to wait for her to come back.

 

Feels like darned if I do darned if I don't.

 

The one on your left is pissed drunk, leans over the bar counter drooling while blabbering incoherent things. The one on your right had one martini (shaken, not stirred) sits up straight and speaks with coherence and with confidence.

Left one is irrational emotion, the right one is rational thinking. The real question here is not who you trust more among the two. But rather, do you trust the bartender?

[NIGHT1985]

Let me tell you, no advice anyone is gonna give you on here will apply to every situation. I did what you're talking about when me and my ex split the first time. I took a little time apart and said **** it, I'm not giving up on her. I told her how much I loved her and how much I missed her, and what could be different the next go around. She was seeing someone, but admitted there wasn't much of a connection. She eventually agreed to give things another try. We ended up splitting a year later, but at least I gave it my all.

 

I'm not saying you should try this approach, but if you love someone and think they still love you, do what you must.

[j21bird]

-NIGHT1985

 

You are correct, there is no one size fits all approach to any of this. Some girls you have to wait for them to come back and others you have to go out and win them back.

 

I am not going to run out right now and show up at her place in the middle of the night. Whether it is three weeks from now or three months from now, at some point I cannot continue to feel this strongly about her and just sit about and do nothing forever.

 

We will see. I will keep you all updated if anything develops.