A question for women

[bummer]

Let's say you aren't just trying to win her back for the comfort and security of 9 years. Let's assume then you can make all the changes to your personality and self she wants today. You can propose willingly, consider a family soon, and importantly focus more on her and your romance during engagement and marriage and forever than your career. Or at least balance it better.

 

If you can honestly say yes, run over there today. So if you can flip the switch, bang on those lesbians' door and demand to speak to your future wife.

 

But if your last few posts are true, wait a few months or years and see where you really are. In a year, ask if you were married today, would you be fully committed? Happy?

If you will take time as a cautious person does and slowly evolve, you'll crush any real hope of a second chance if you jump now. Wait a few years until you're really changed and are really really ready to commit.

[DeLaSouL]

j21bird. What I've learned is, It doesn't matter if you would've been more committed or not. It was bound to happen sooner or later. But that was the lesson you took out of it and take it into the next relationship. Whether it will be with her or with someone else. I don't know how, but some things usually find their way back if it's someone or a material. Unfortunatly these things really are out of your control. And one is more frustrating then the other.

 

It is normal to think like this after a breakup."If I had done this, this would've never happened""If I had done that, she would not have slipped away""I realised what I had when I lost her" "I should not have taken him/her for granted" "Karma got Me" "I deserved this". Sure you could've done things better. But you could've also done things much worse. What I learned is. Even if you did everything perfectly, this would've still happened.

 

I used to think at that point, that life was treating me as a joke. But this was bound to happened to teach you a lesson towards improvement. You would not have been triggered to make the changes needed in your life if this did not happen.

 

I think that this is the big context of your situation right now. But I also understand that you can't see the forest for the trees. Believe that everything will come into its place one day. I can promise you that.

[urmysong]

j21bird,

What I've learned is, It doesn't matter if you would've been more committed or not. It was bound to happen sooner or later. But that was the lesson you took out of it and take it into the next relationship. Whether it will be with her or with someone else. I don't know how, but some things usually find their way back if it's someone or a material. Unfortunatly these things really are out of your control. And one is more frustrating then the other.

 

It is normal to think like this after a breakup."If I had done this, this would've never happened""If I had done that, she would not have slipped away""I realised what I had when I lost her" "I should not have taken him/her for granted" "Karma got Me" "I deserved this". Sure you could've done things better. But you could've also done things much worse. What I learned is. Even if you did everything perfectly, this would've still happened.

 

I used to think at that point, that life was treating me as a joke. But this was bound to happened to teach you a lesson towards improvement. You would not have been triggered to make the changes needed in your life if this did not happen.)

 

I agree with this. So I just lifted all these to God. If it is meant to be then we don't have to force anything that is truly meant to be. It happened cause it had to happen....

[j21bird]

-urmysong,

 

You make some really good points- I could have done some things differently, but as you point out there could have been some things that I could have done worse. I had not looked at it like that before.

 

I was telling a buddy the other day that whether we get back together or someone else comes along, this is exactly what had to happen. These last 6 months have been spent growing my business, exercising, meditating, drinking green tea, and reconnecting with old friends.

 

The universe is a funny place. For the first 6-7 years after college I was working my tail off to get ahead in entry level office jobs and never got a promotion. I bounced around to a few different companies and could not get out of an entry level position. Right after my ex ended things, I started my own business doing work I enjoy and it is has been growing to the point that I might have to hire a part time helper in the next couple of months- Go figure. Would these exciting things be taking place in my business if we were still together? Maybe not.

 

I really am becoming a better person for having been single these last 6 months.

 

Sometimes you just have to ride the wave where it takes you and right now it is not taking me to her doorstep. Even though I daydream about knocking on her door- i just have this gut feeling that now is not the time.

Edited June 14, 2016 by j21bird

[j21bird]

After going into complete and absolute NC since May with my ex gf, there have been many times where I nearly emailed her, wrote her, and thought about jumping in the car and knocking on her door, but I maintained self discipline and did nothing of the sort.

 

Today my ex sent me a text.

 

Her text from earlier today was odd- I would of expected a "how are you doing? let's grab coffee one of these days." kind of a message. Instead her message was, "I am messaging you to see what you will do."

 

I have not responded.

 

It is interesting too that in recent weeks have really felt great and the weight that I have been feeling on my shoulders from the break up has really lifted.

 

Not trying to get too far out, but it's like we can sense these things on some level- The universe is a funny place- you stop thinking about your ex and then you get a message a few weeks later from her.

 

It has been a very productive time for me in the last few months- my career is the best it has ever been, I meditate daily, and now attend yoga class twice a week, I have read several books (I recomend The Alchemist). It has been a very positive time for me.

 

I am going to have to think about this for a little bit. My initial thought is I don't appreciate the immature and indirect nature of her text. I would probably be more likely to respond if she simple asked to grab a coffee.

 

I don't want to give her an ego boost and jump on her bread crumbs. Maybe she has had a few bad dates and wants some attention. . . who knows.

 

After all there was a time when I thought we were going to get married.

 

That is all I have to report for now, Cheers.

[Buddhist]

Good for you, for not responding. Sometimes the universe sends us these little msgs so we can re-evaluate where we now are. The fact you find her contact juvenile and have no intention of responding speaks volumes to your personal growth. That kind of thing just doesn't have the power to yank your chain anymore.

 

I'm so pleased to hear about your business success and going your own way since this split. Sometimes the breakdown of a known structure in our lives really can free us up for something a lot better.

 

Your gut is right. You deserve a proper invitation or at the very least an explanation for the contact. She's fishing of course to see if she still has power of influence with you. But I'm afraid you've grown so far beyond that, you have better things to do.