Love

[Tw2018]

Hey y'all.

Just thought I'd vent on here to maybe get a piece of mind from the outside of my life and how I can fix the broken pieces. Hopefully someone on here takes the time to read, understand, and help me out. Cause my mind isn't helping at all.

So here's a little about me. I am a 6'2 blonde college athlete who is in good shape and has decent looks. I would probably give myself a 7 out of 10. I feel like I'm somewhat attractive, but I can't get it across my head that I am. Also, deep inside I am a hilariously creative person. But this last year I feel like I've lost the qualities I used to have. I used to be so confident, uncaring of anyone's opinion. I used to beable to make anyone laugh, and my creativity was one of a kind. I was charming with girls, and I felt like full self. Now, what changed you may ask?

Well, I have just recently started to reach the other side of a year full of depression. Throughout my high school years, I dated one girl. We fell deeply in love with eachother, and life was amazing. I felt confident with her and everyone, and I thought life was set. I found my soulmate, I was going to play college football, and nothing could bring me down. Well, I was far from right. After my first year of college, she left me. And now she has another guy and seems to be happy. While I'm over here struggling to even flirt with a girl. My self esteem is shot and I just want me to be myself again.

I struggle with my self esteem and anxiety on the daily, and I feel like I need to find love again to be my full self again. Am I on the right track? Do I just need to search and find love again? I feel codependent and lonely but I can't find any relationship like the one I had before. Someone please help, I just need an educated opinion on the situation since my friends don't seem to truly understand and my mind won't help me out either.

[Buddhist]

Well, it's pretty rare for someone so young to fall into existential crisis over a soulmate, but there you have it. It can happen. That is why your friends seemingly just get over it, bounce back while you are reeling with shock and struggle. I'm a wee bit older than you, I'm probably the same age as your mom. But here's a few things to think about.....

 

- Your peers have a typically shallow attachment capacity at that age. That's quite normal. Emotional capacity is still maturing and that's why they can change partners like socks and appear to be just fine with it. Relationships are not deep to them which is the usual development process.

 

- You appear to be the rare egg that does have a deep emotional attachment capacity and hence why your relationship meant so much more to you than it seems to have meant to your soulmate there. When this occurs you hurt hard and fast and it takes a long time to recover.

 

- It sounds like this breakup deeply wounded you and shattered your self image.

No-one gets through life without at least one of these, many people have 2 or more. They are gifts. They help you to rapidly mature, but they hurt like hell and leave you lost at sea for a while afterwards.

 

- The way out, is through. You just have to bide your time and go through that icky process of self reflection and deciding what it is about your self image you're committing to, and what it is that you'll throw away. That's the whole point of these. We go into deep self doubt, have trouble getting our confidence back until we finally emerge renewed and stronger than ever. It kind of sucks that this is happening to you about 5-6yrs sooner than it happens to most but maybe the reason for that is because you are going to meet someone significant much sooner in life. That's something to hold onto.

 

- Unfortunately no, finding love again won't instantly fix this. Nothing to stop you trying though. Although it tends to happen that the more we force things the worse we do at them.

[TaraMaiden2]

It's sad, but it is an indisputable, undeniable fact:

 

First loves very rarely last, and it's usually for one reason, and one reason only: Lack of commitment on the part of one partner.

This can usually be ascribed to 'maturing and finding new interests and the desire to explore new horizons, seek new thrills and adventures and meet new people.'

And more often than not, it's the girl who moves on.

 

Secondly, remove the notion of a soulmate from your head. And heart.

There's no such thing.

Your 'soulmate' is the person you happen to be with at the time.

It's not the person who used to be with you.

They're just your ex.

 

Thirdly, it's highly possible your life may regain meaning when you find Love again, but yes, go looking for it, and you won't find it. It finds you.

It's also worth remembering that your NEXT love may not be your last, either. At your tender age, you should be expecting to have at least another 3, 4 or maybe even 5 partners before you find one you seriously feel you could settle down with for the remainder of your life.

 

Point 4: I trust you looked for - and found - some kind of professional support for your depression?

It's no shame to admit you need help, be it therapeutic or pharmaceutical. It's ok. But trying to hide, suppress or self-help is not wise.

 

Recently, in the U, a woman who wrote as an agony aunt in a national newspaper - handling people's personal problems on a daily basis and writing about them, offering solutions - committed suicide due to deep depression.

Nobody knew. Nobody had the slightest idea she felt so low, so down, so depressed.

Let people know. It's important for your mental well-being and your health, to be open about your depression.

It's still a far too taboo subject for people to discuss comfortably, but that's just a warped, skewered view.

Very, very last point:

 

the word describing your hair colour is one of the very few words used regularly in the English language, that has gender distinction (another is Fiancé/Fiancée). You as a male, are BLOND.

A woman is BLONDE.

 

That's a great "Useless fact" to entertain other fair-haired people with!

 

I say the last to cheer you up.

It sounds as if you really need to just hurl yourself back into the fun of the ride with your boyz friends....

 

Don't be so intense and serious.

Time for that when you have to hold down a full time job to pay the mortgage, the utilities, the car, the holidays, the kids, the SAHM, the household maintenance, the dog, the after-school lessons (soccer, baseball, football, ballet, horse-riding, etc....) the medical bills....

Get the picture?

Chill, enjoy, relax.

 

(PS: I'm just approaching my 60's. I have only just heeded my own advice!! )

[Satu]

You are grieving a major loss.

 

Loss changes us.

 

You can't ever be the person you were before it happened, but you can be healthy and happy again.

 

Cry any tears you need to cry, and let yourself feel the sadness. Not forever, but for a while.

 

Don't try to use another relationship as a cure; it won't work.

 

Look for a new relationship when you've done your grieving.

 

You'll be OK.

 

 

Take care.

[preraph]

Not trying to minimize your problem. Love hurts when it's over. Everyone I know had their heart broken in their late teens or early 20s. People's brains still aren't even fully formed and change is still rapid at that age. It's not the age most people settle down unless the mess up and trap themselves into having to. It's the age they are still growing and experiencing new people and then being influenced by new people and new ideas and changing and moving forward.

 

You too will move forward. It sounds like you had a good run without many challenges. Now you have to rebuild your self-esteem not by just getting another girl but by making your own accomplishments. What counted for everything in high school doesn't count for much in the real world. You'll find your legs again though. Right now just try to make yourself keep going out with friends and try not to focus on what's now behind you except to learn whatever you can from it.