Reconcilition from a bs point of view

[wmacbride]

If you are a former bs who is in a marriage you feel has successfully reconciled, what allowed you to reach that point?

 

For me, it was a whole series of small efforts on both our parts. I'm not one for grand gestures, and it was all the little things my fws did and that I did over a period of time that made it possible.

[ladydesigner]

It's uplifting to read about couples who truly are in R or have R'd. It is what I wanted, but never got . I think it's good to read that R is possible and others have achieved it, but it takes both the WS and the BS together as a team and the WS has to feel remorse. I feel those are the necessary ingredients to attain healthy R.

[NTV]

There was a lot of small things and some really big ones. One of the big ones was a postnup.

 

 

But then I don't know if we're successful reconciled, and I don't think I would trust that we were until I had decades more of marriage to prove it.

[merrmeade]

If you are a former bs who is in a marriage you feel has successfully reconciled, what allowed you to reach that point?

 

For me, it was a whole series of small efforts on both our parts. I'm not one for grand gestures, and it was all the little things my fws did and that I did over a period of time that made it possible.

Far from being the model here, but Time has been the biggest factor in helping us turn the corner to hopeful.

[wmacbride]

It's not always been easy, but in the end, we have both been able to learn and grow a lot from the process, which is still going on.

 

I'm sorry that you weren't able to have that with your spouse. Please don't count that as a failure on your part.

[wmacbride]

There was a lot of small things and some really big ones. One of the big ones was a postnup.

 

 

But then I don't know if we're successful reconciled, and I don't think I would trust that we were until I had decades more of marriage to prove it.

 

Hopefully, time will show that you and your spouse have been successful. As I'm sure you well know, some part of reconciling can be rely hurdles to overcome, but other parts can actually be a lot of fun- I know how odd that sounds.

[wmacbride]

Far from being the model here, but Time has been the biggest factor in helping us turn the corner to hopeful.

 

 

Your make a good point. Time does have a way of softening the sharp edges.

[Sub]

Talking, talking, more talking....then listening, listening and more listening. Even when it was difficult to hear.

 

Also, making new memories as a family. Helps occupy the mind and frame what's important.

[Red123]

I don't know about being reconciled but we are doing really well. His remorse was a huge factor along with us both being totally honest about not only his affair but our relationship. Prior to his affair I was what I would now consider to be a terrible spouse. I wasn't always like that but had become that way over the the year. Through IC and MC we both had to face all the things we had both done to us. At first I was refusing to hear him, it was like you had an affair now that tops everything I have ever done. The truth is once I faced my stuff I looked at him and our relationship differently. He put everything he had into fixing us too. It's not perfect, it still hurts sometimes but as time with the efforts, goes on it gets easier and proves that I made the right choice by staying.

[gettingstronger]

We are 3 years post dday. I'm doing better than he is, I'm the BS. While I have come to understand myself and my marriage better, he is still struggling with what he did. If I'm being perfectly honest, I'm not saying we are totally reconciled. I haven't fully committed to forever. He knows this and it scares him. I'm not totally convinced I want to be with someone so broken for the rest of my life. BUT, we are day to day happy and enjoying ourselves and our family.

[wmacbride]

We are 3 years post dday. I'm doing better than he is, I'm the BS. While I have come to understand myself and my marriage better, he is still struggling with what he did. If I'm being perfectly honest, I'm not saying we are totally reconciled. I haven't fully committed to forever. He knows this and it scares him. I'm not totally convinced I want to be with someone so broken for the rest of my life. BUT, we are day to day happy and enjoying ourselves and our family.

 

It sounds like you are making the proverbial lemons from lemonade.

 

A question to you and ladydesigner. Looking back over the whole situation, if you had known then what you know now, would you have done anything differently or made different choices?

[merrmeade]

I think there's a difference between having reconciled, which implies to me having resolved issue between you as a couple and moving forward together, and having recovered as an individual. Just.saying.

[JohnAdams]

I consider us successfully reconciled and it did literally take decades to reach this point.

 

 

I think most BS's are looking for something out of their WS. I do not necessarily think it is the same thing for all BS's. The trouble is, I don't think most BS's know what they specifically need from their WS. Therefore they can not articulate their needs which leaves the WS guessing.

 

 

First, I think reconciliation, true reconciliation, takes a long time. Often people do not have that long.

 

 

I think many couples live in compromise or rug sweep the whole thing. Either way, you can have a good life, although a compromise. You will always know in your heart it should have been better. I have read several times today of BS's who think they can have a good life despite adultery, but never what it could have been.

 

 

Perhaps as a couple affected by adultery, you can find that one thing you need from your WS. Perhaps it will take 30 years. Are you willing to wait? Are you willing to live a compromise? Even if you end the marriage, you cannot completely walk away from this mess.

 

 

There is a lot to deal with as a BS. I read earlier you are a replaceable commodity. You will always know your spouse did not love you as much as you thought. You will always know it was worth it to your spouse to throw away your marriage. That is a lot to deal with and recover from.

 

 

All I can speak for is our marriage. I know I needed to see remorse. However, I really did not know how to articulate what remorse looks like. I still cannot explain remorse, but I know it when I see it.

 

 

So, we are happier and more in love than ever. Does that mean the sting of the affair is completely gone? No, but it does not consume me. Unfortunately, it is forever part of our history. It takes years of actions by the WS to completely feel comfortable again.

 

 

I will add that I have seen many couples recover from adultery including family members. I am older and have strong principles and perceptions when it comes to exclusivity involving sex and love. It appears to me people who have had multiple partners or multiple marriages seem to be less impacted. Perhaps the sex and love with just one significant other does hold as strong, therefore it is easier to recover. However this same group, does not necessarily try to fix a relationship, but looks at it as disposable.

[gettingstronger]

It sounds like you are making the proverbial lemons from lemonade.

 

A question to you and ladydesigner. Looking back over the whole situation, if you had known then what you know now, would you have done anything differently or made different choices?

 

 

I don't think thats what I am doing- integrity has always been a big thing for me- I love my husband and the life we have built- we owe it to each other to try to work this out, but the whole integrity thing really bothers me- I would not have done anything differently- I am just super honest and I think that many would say it took more than 3 years to say, yep, its forever and I am good to go- I am OK with shades of grey in my life right now because I am honest about it and make no promises I can not keep-I love him, no doubt but would I rather just be me in my later years, maybe....

[CoolHandLuke76]

If you are a former bs who is in a marriage you feel has successfully reconciled, what allowed you to reach that point?

 

For me, it was a whole series of small efforts on both our parts. I'm not one for grand gestures, and it was all the little things my fws did and that I did over a period of time that made it possible.

 

To "get past" being betrayed by the person who's supposed to have your back more than anyone else in the world requires the BS to swallow HUGE amounts of sh*t and buy a really big rug that two tons of crap can be swept under. Do we ever forget? Nope. Do we lie to other people and ourselves and tell them we're past it and healed? Yep. Are we past it and healed? Nope. Why do we stay? For the kids, fear of change, fear of being alone.....take your pick. IMO, anyone who stays with a cheater is a sap and yes, I'm one of those saps.

[merrmeade]

To "get past" being betrayed by the person who's supposed to have your back more than anyone else in the world requires the BS to swallow HUGE amounts of sh*t and buy a really big rug that two tons of crap can be swept under. Do we ever forget? Nope. Do we lie to other people and ourselves and tell them we're past it and healed? Yep. Are we past it and healed? Nope. Why do we stay? For the kids, fear of change, fear of being alone.....take your pick. IMO, anyone who stays with a cheater is a sap and yes, I'm one of those saps.

I'm pretty sure I like this. Just can't quite click the "Like" button and make it official.

[understand50]

First, as a BS, you have to decide if you are going to stay and under what conditions. After, my wife overspending, I asked her if she was will to really work on our marriage and ourselfs, she agreed, but I am not sure she knew what she was agreeing too. Being a "SAP", is not a good way to describe staying. There are many reasons, and many ways to stay together, and it is different for every BS, and WS. We need to recognize that everyone is different, and allow that all marriages will fail or go on depending on the people in them and what has gone on. What is a deal breaker for one, or a situation that is un-tolerable for another, can be accepted, and over come by another couple. This does not imply, failure for the ones that break apart, or success for those that stay together, but a understanding that each relationship is different, and can withstand different things depending on the people and circumstances involved.

 

As to John's point about some folks having disposable relationships and marriages. Well, that does work for many, but I think the fact they keep trying shows they really want a lasting "love of their life", and for whatever reason, bad luck, bad chooses, or just not being able to work things out, they move from one to another. My only thought is to wish them luck, and hope they find what they are looking for.

 

For myself, I would say that we have a good marriage at this time. We have been tested, and have overcome, but I think in staying together, we have a better life than if we have split apart. Not to say, that I am completely over her cheating at the beginning of our journey, it remains a point, that hurts, but time has dulled it. Of course, the fact she has been faithful from that point on, 40 plus years, is a huge plus. I do not think we would be together, if ether of us had been a serial cheater.

 

So what is a good reconciliation? For me, it is still being in love enough to forgive, and not hold against her her past transgressions, and seeing in her a capacity to be a good loving help mate in life and the mother of our children. We both want to work on the marriage and relationship, and not slip into taking each other for granted.

 

My two cents......

[Red123]

To "get past" being betrayed by the person who's supposed to have your back more than anyone else in the world requires the BS to swallow HUGE amounts of sh*t and buy a really big rug that two tons of crap can be swept under. Do we ever forget? Nope. Do we lie to other people and ourselves and tell them we're past it and healed? Yep. Are we past it and healed? Nope. Why do we stay? For the kids, fear of change, fear of being alone.....take your pick. IMO, anyone who stays with a cheater is a sap and yes, I'm one of those saps.

 

Ouch. I don't consider myself a sap(sometimes but not in this instance). I didn't stay for any of the reasons you listed. I chose to because I wanted to. I originally left the relationship and was fine with being alone and was excited for change(I still made lots of changes even though I went back to him). I don't agree with staying for kids, I think kids do better with happy parents rather than parents together if they are miserable. My youngest is 13 so custody wasn't an issue and we make the same amount of money. I'm sorry you feel like a sap for YOUR CHOICE to stay.

[wmacbride]

To "get past" being betrayed by the person who's supposed to have your back more than anyone else in the world requires the BS to swallow HUGE amounts of sh*t and buy a really big rug that two tons of crap can be swept under. Do we ever forget? Nope. Do we lie to other people and ourselves and tell them we're past it and healed? Yep. Are we past it and healed? Nope. Why do we stay? For the kids, fear of change, fear of being alone.....take your pick. IMO, anyone who stays with a cheater is a sap and yes, I'm one of those saps.

 

 

I didn't stay for my kids, because I was afraid to be alone, because I was afraid of change or for any other reason than I wanted to. If I had felt like I was only staying for any of those reasons, I never would have stayed.

 

I was alone before I met him, I could be alone afterwards and be just fine. In many ways, it would actually have been far easier for me to have walked away and left him to cope with his demons on his own.

 

I stayed because I love him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am sad to hear that coolhandluke feels the way he does....

And I am happy to read the rest of you stayed for the reason that we stayed together...

 

I don't know how far out coolhandluke is in his reconciliation...but I know that if my husband felt like him or if I felt like him... I would rather we divorce and move on.

 

I cannot imagine staying with John if I had any doubt that he was in this relationship because he loves me or because he wants to be here. If I thought he was here out of the reason coolhandluke listed... I would walk away.

 

I told him 33 years ago when I confessed.... I will leave if you want me to and I will ask for nothing. I meant it then... I mean it now. And when he confessed there was never a doubt in my mind that I still wanted him.

 

Reconciliation is not easy.. But marriage is not easy.

 

And for us... It has been worth the work... I don't have any regrets that we have stayed together and have grown as a couple.

 

Do I wish I could make it all go awY? Of course I do... But that is not reality. I cannot undo what I did... But our marriage does not have to be defined by infidelity.

 

We have a great marriage in spite of it. And it blesses me to know others here know exactly how I feel.

 

You are an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing.

[Keahi]

New here. I'm 15 months out from DDay, and I'd say that our R is going extremely well. Why didn't I walk? Because I have been with my husband for so many years, and in the week following DDay, I realized that the OWs (yes, two) were not important to him, and that the awful choices he'd made WRT them were the result of a lot of pain and "brokenness".

 

Well, and to be honest, we both were pretty broken, and we've both worked hard on healing ourselves and our marriage since then. There are no rugs, and although we do have children, I am convinced that D is a far better option than having them continue to live in a dysfunctional home. We are together because of all the options, our marriage was the one we both wanted the most. So here we are.

[Whoknew30]

My H & I are both BS & WS...I think true reconciliation comes from really wanting your relationship...both people...whole heartedly. IMO, if it's for any other reason...kids, money, just plain desperation, I think it would be much harder to get through the hurdles. It takes time & dedication & everyone's situation is different...some (like myself) have had things happen in their life that are considered worse than being cheated on, some it's the worst thing that's ever happened to them. My point there are many different factors for each person that makes a situation "better" or "worse". It's up to the individuals to know what they're willing to forgive, let go of & or move on from...you'll figure where you are personally at some point. Though difficult, it can & has been done...good luck in your journey

[Joie]

We are a little over a year out from DDay and our R is going really well. Like others have said it was a lot of little things. But each day we wake up and we try. From waking up in the morning by cuddling to recognizing the other needs a night off. "Dating" each other really helped. I remember it was so awkward in the beginning. We were both so angry and it just felt fake. But now we remember what it is like to have fun with each other and it feels great.

 

Another thing is no lying. After the affair my H lost his right to fib. I don't care how small. Don't tell me you are working and then go golfing. On my side when he says he is blowing off work to golf I can't nag him. And on days when we are really clicking we both say lets blow off work together and go golfing.

 

As to the sap questions...I don't feel like a sap. I am right where I want to be.

[road]

Not too good when the BS does not get their questions answered.

[seren]

H told me he had an affair, I think this made reconciliation easier, if I had just found out I might not have been so understanding. I understood the reason he was in a place that made having an affair happen. He had combat stress (still does) and PTSD, he wasn't the man I had loved and known for over 23 years for a year or so before the affair. had he been 'that man' I wouldn't have understood so readily, but I do understand combat stress and the feelings of worthlessness. Not to excuse it, but for me it was very important to understand what was going on with him to make him be so very different to the him I had known all those years.

 

Does that make me a sap or chump? I think not. I weighed up what worked for me. I earned more than H, was very able to have a life without him, but chose not to. Why? because I loved and love him, always have, in that way that I have never felt before or never will again. I didn't fear being alone, I am not a frump or needed a man to prop me up or make me whole. I chose to stay because I wanted to and balanced the snatched time he spent with the OW and the very destructive nature of their A and it was nothing like we had. Had he loved her I would have wished him the very best and moved on.

 

I reconciled and am still with H and still very much in love despite the A because we talked about how we had allowed us to drift, he got help and support to deal with his Iraq and Afghan and Bosnia demons. We fight those together and we understand how they made for a very dark place he got himself into and how he felt less than and we work at us. Our marriage is in a better, place our relationship is the best, not sugar coating, just saying it as it is. We realised how close we were to losing our relationship and neither of us wanted that or could imagine a life without the other.

 

I had to understand the why's, I also had to have the truth, he held me when I cried, I him when he did, I ranted, shouted and smashed more than a few plates, but after the anger, and after the hurt healed we began reconciliation. I would say that took around 2 years for the anger and raw hurt to go and for me not to think about it constantly. I used to trigger so bad, he felt even less than as he felt he had lost my trust, respect and his integrity.

 

There came a time when we had to look ahead and not back, back meant rehashing the same thing over and over and was so destructive, if necessary. We changed, the affair changed us both, I would say for the better. He left the military, I am now disabled and retired early and we live remotely with just he, me and our animals. He is still my best friend and I his. Maybe it takes a strong foundation to rebuild a house that has been levelled by an earthquake. I would say ours is as good as it gets. I don't regret staying for one moment, nor think less of him because of the A, he does and still struggles with what he did, that is the worse thing for me to see. At some point you have to accept what you cannot change and just get on with life, either together or alone. For me, it was together with the man I love.

 

People expected that I would tell him to leave, blow up the OW's life and make a new life. I am certainly no fool, chump, sap or otherwise. I did what worked for me, quite selfishly. I am glad we did.

Edited May 20, 2016 by seren