Reconcilition from a bs point of view

[ShatteredLady]

Very frequently I read the advice, "If they're not doing the heavy work leave. Find someone who will truly love you!" (Even I've said it or a version of it) I know it's a lovely thought....if you're a WS leave your partner so they can find someone who will love them.

 

So true!

 

In the real world I know so many single, lonely people & just as many just existing in their relationships.

 

I'm not saying that people should stay if they're completely miserable or being abused in any way...I don't know what I'm saying really.

 

I see marriages, nice, pleasant, ok marriages blown-up here by infidelity. It's a truly lovely thought that everyone deserves their own perfect person who loves them passionately, completely & will never hurt them but really? What are the odds?

 

True, some have wonderful empowering relationships but I think that's largely due to BOTH people being of that mind set & working hard (& a bit of rose tint) Oh the idea of leaving is terrifying! Finding love once (& I assume that most are deeply in love when they walk down the isle) but assuming that we can all find it again in older age isn't realistic.

 

I know! We can find happiness alone & don't need another person to complete us. That's what my single, lonely friends say before they've drunk half a bottle of wine....

 

I wonder if "You shouldn't settle. There's love out there..." is becoming a fairy story we sell here. Or is it just fear talking?

[ladydesigner]

Very frequently I read the advice, "If they're not doing the heavy work leave. Find someone who will truly love you!" (Even I've said it or a version of it) I know it's a lovely thought....if you're a WS leave your partner so they can find someone who will love them.

 

So true!

 

In the real world I know so many single, lonely people & just as many just existing in their relationships.

 

I'm not saying that people should stay if they're completely miserable or being abused in any way...I don't know what I'm saying really.

 

I see marriages, nice, pleasant, ok marriages blown-up here by infidelity. It's a truly lovely thought that everyone deserves their own perfect person who loves them passionately, completely & will never hurt them but really? What are the odds?

 

True, some have wonderful empowering relationships but I think that's largely due to BOTH people being of that mind set & working hard (& a bit of rose tint) Oh the idea of leaving is terrifying! Finding love once (& I assume that most are deeply in love when they walk down the isle) but assuming that we can all find it again in older age isn't realistic.

 

I know! We can find happiness alone & don't need another person to complete . That's what my single, lonely friends say before they've drunk half a bottle of wine....

 

I wonder if "You shouldn't settle. There's love out there..." is becoming a fairy story we sell here. Or is it just fear talking?

 

I feel much like you ShatteredLady. The half a bottle of wine with my closest girlfriends is one of my favorite things to do besides spending my time with my kiddos!

 

While I am not in R I do not abuse my WH. I still treat him with respect but do not respect him fully if that makes sense. I think me and my WH both deserve better lives at this point but easier said than done. My WH could have done things differently. I helped lead him to all the tools, books, IC, MC that would be necessary for R it's too bad he 'poo pooed' every one of them. He even read 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair" and it specifically states what happens to a M after False R. He chose to put me through it anyway. I love the WH that I met and M'd and had kids with but this unremorseful WH I see now is a tough pill to swallow. I chose to love myself the most!

[ShatteredLady]

I feel you. My H reading "How to help your spouse..." While he wrote to his friend, "I told SL that I'd stopped speaking to OW but I haven't & don't intend to!". Yeh I think we've rugswept. I don't know if I care. I think I'm just exhausted with being depressed but I don't know where my happiness & optimism has gone.

 

WH thinks it's all over now. I'm too tired now. I'm not exactly a shining example of how to R.

 

Maybe when he does it again next decade I'll deal with it.

Edited May 20, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[pheonixrisen]

Bs in 4 years plus reconciliation ..I would say successful yes but reconciled forever no ...I think marriage affected by an affair and in reconciliation would be like an alcoholic who is 1 day or 5 years or 10 years sober but yet introduces himself in an A A meeting as an alcoholic ...same way we will be forever in reconciliation

 

We work together everyday to make reconciliation work for us do I struggle yes does he struggle yes have i thought about leaving him yes would it be easier yes ...am i afraid of being alone no ....am i sap no ...have i rug swept....hell no

 

Do I think he made a mistake ...no ...Does forgiveness apply here ...no ...how can you forgive a person who made a deliberate conscious choice to step out on you every day knowing it would hurt and break you apart .its not a rule to forgive if you chose to stay

 

Instead I channelize my energy consciously everyday to the good of our marriage the good in him ...I stayed because I love him ...how can you love a person who betrays you in this manner ...I love him for all the good things he did do and still does ...I wish he would not have done it ...but he did ...He wishes he could have turned back the clock but he cannot ...through all the struggle and pain and suffering that I went through its in the quite moment when I know I love him and that's why I stayed ...will we stay together forever I don't know will I love him forever ...yes

 

In the beginning I waited for this one big gesture from his side that would make all this go away ...not registering the small gestures he was making everyday to show me make me see and understand that he did wrong but he wants to make it right ...and In time I realised it's the small gestures that he makes everyday that shows me he is as committed shows his remorse

 

 

I will always be in reconciliation never reconciled

[strugglinghubby]

the memory has not gone away (although I'm almost a year post DDay, so not too long). There is an element required by the BS (from my perspective as the BH) to not necessarily rug sweep, but be prepared to settle for a marriage that is less than it was before, again for a range of reasons that are all different to each individual. I'm pretty certain that any man who has been through that has had to do that, at least in the early stages of being a BS. There is absolutely no way I can see a man saying 'oh that really hurt but you know what, I've put it all behind me and I'm only looking at the positives of our relationship'. Most of us are not wired that way (generalizing here I know, some may be), it is a massive slap in the face to cop that from your W, someone who is supposed to be your best friend. A man does not simply put that behind them and move on easily, maybe after 20 years or something, but definitely not right away. If you are a WW, you need to understand that your BH will be making a conscious decision to settle for a M that is less than preferred, and it will be that way for a long time.

Edited May 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote to deleted post ~T

[wmacbride]

the memory has not gone away (although I'm almost a year post DDay, so not too long). There is an element required by the BS (from my perspective as the BH) to not necessarily rug sweep, but be prepared to settle for a marriage that is less than it was before, again for a range of reasons that are all different to each individual. I'm pretty certain that any man who has been through that has had to do that, at least in the early stages of being a BS. There is absolutely no way I can see a man saying 'oh that really hurt but you know what, I've put it all behind me and I'm only looking at the positives of our relationship'. Most of us are not wired that way (generalizing here I know, some may be), it is a massive slap in the face to cop that from your W, someone who is supposed to be your best friend. A man does not simply put that behind them and move on easily, maybe after 20 years or something, but definitely not right away. If you are a WW, you need to understand that your BH will be making a conscious decision to settle for a M that is less than preferred, and it will be that way for a long time.

 

Do you feel like men and women tend to view a post a marriage in a different light if they have been a bs?

Edited May 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dichotomy]

but be prepared to settle for a marriage that is less than it was before, again for a range of reasons that are all different to each individual. I'm pretty certain that any man who has been through that has had to do that, at least in the early stages of being a BS. There is absolutely no way I can see a man saying 'oh that really hurt but you know what, I've put it all behind me and I'm only looking at the positives of our relationship'. Most of us are not wired that way (generalizing here I know, some may be), it is a massive slap in the face to cop that from your W, someone who is supposed to be your best friend. A man does not simply put that behind them and move on easily, maybe after 20 years or something, but definitely not right away. If you are a WW, you need to understand that your BH will be making a conscious decision to settle for a M that is less than preferred, and it will be that way for a long time.

 

More or less - this is true for me as a BH.

 

11 years - and i just learned to live with the loss and settle for less. Although I will say a number of things (not all things) have gotten better in the last few years for as "partners" in family and home.

[ladydesigner]

More or less - this is true for me as a BH.

 

11 years - and i just learned to live with the loss and settle for less. Although I will say a number of things (not all things) have gotten better in the last few years for as "partners" in family and home.

 

I think it is true for women too because I feel this way and it is not just because of the False R, it has been this way since my first discovery only to get worse.

 

I think if my WH were to end his A with MOW on D-Day and really focus on our M I would feel differently. Unfortunately he did EVERYTHING wrong. Him and his MOW destroyed me. They took pleasure in my pain. How does a person get over that? I see my M as a farce now. I see my WH as a damaged person. I am the survivor and I'm getting better now regardless of my M.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Far from being the model here, but Time has been the biggest factor in helping us turn the corner to hopeful.

 

Same here. Although there were all the other things too. Honesty, openness, remorse, getting through triggers successfully etc.

 

But one day you look back and realize that D-Day was so long ago that you could have gone through medical school AND law school by now, but instead, you spent the time brooding over the past. And you just say....enough of that crap.

 

You also stop trying to tip the scale in your favor, because you realize that there really IS no scale. And if there were one, the affair actually tipped in YOUR favor already anyway.

 

I'd say we are reconciled because the stuff we fight about now is normal married-people stuff. lol.

[Mr Blunt]

By Wmacbride

If you are a former bs who is in a marriage you feel has successfully reconciled, what allowed you to reach that point?

In the first few months I did the “Pick me dance” then I went into protection mode. I divorced her but she did not leave the house. She told me that she was going to forget him and so she strung me along for another several months with me thinking that she cut all contact. Actually I believe that she did try and go NC but she had weakened herself quite a bit. During that time I was driven to my faith.

 

 

The climax came at around the 10 month period after D-day. I thought that she had him out of our life but then she told me that she was going to move in with him. That is when I exploded. I made her tell the three children and they all turned against her. I told her to get out. I had a HUGE relief and was looking forward to my new life without her. She left but came back around 12 hours later and was a defeated frightened emotional wreck. My son asked what circumstances I would take her back.

The main reason that I allowed her back into the house (I got EVERYTHING in the divorce including the children) was because of my faith and what I told my son when he asked under what circumstances that I would take her back. When my son asked what came to my mind immediately was a scripture that said

 

 

 

Psalm 51:17

17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.

You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

 

I had no hope that she would come back and was convinced that she was gone and that I was hoping my son would not be so hurt and was convinced that I answered his question and it would not hurt him as bad. My son then told me that she was in the back yard travel trailer. I went to the trailer and she jumped back against the wall and looked like a terrified animal. I let her in the house but there was a very uneasy feeling for a long time. She was a broken spirit.

 

 

My teenage daughter would not stay in the house with her mother and moved into my sister’s home. My wife was completely devastated and tried everything to make it up to me and she even cashed in her retirement fund and gave me all her money. She was a much damaged woman but I was convinced that she was truly remorseful. However, my hurt was very deep and there was no instant bonding and healing. After 4 years of her proving with her actions that she was really remorseful I remarried her. I did not want to at first and told God that she did not deserve to be restored. That is when God told me “I restored you”

 

 

During the next several years I had a LOT of support from my faith and family. I also decide that I was going to accomplish a few goals. Those two goals were me going back to college and to work on myself in terms of my spiritual condition. Through my spiritual experiences I was able to forgive. My definition of forgive was to not harbor any ill feeling against my wife. I had been given forgiveness and grace in my life and I felt that God wanted me to try and give forgiveness and grace to my wife. We now have over 25 years in our R and we are doing well. There have been and still are some rough times but the overall R has been much more positive than negative. The rough spots have nothing to do with any other affair partner or any rehashing of the infidelity but mostly when selfishness appears in other areas.

 

 

I had to remind myself to stretch my faith many times during the 25+ years. One scripture that put me to the r test was the one below

 

Hebrews 11:6

6 And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

I often felt that I was treated very unfairly and in addition, I would think of what I lost and feel very abused which lead to some dark times. I really was forced to choose being depressed or stretching my faith. What choice is that? Me being a man that looks for the brighter side of life had no choice but to endure and stretch my faith. I am no great man of faith but I know God can always fulfill His promises and I wanted to get better. I came to realize that my security and contentment comes from God more than my wife or anyone else. I can tell you that during the last 25+ years I have found that God is faithful to His promises as I have benefited greatly. I have a family that is very close including my parents, my sister, my children, and my grandchildren. I also have a very good relationship with my wife most of the time but there was something lost back 25 years ago but we have gained in other areas. In addition, I have good health and we now have all our bills paid for, including our home and autos and have few extra dollars to use for our enjoyment. Our upcoming retirement will afford us an above average life style. My youngest son and two grandchildren are now living with us and we do a lot together and that is so very rewarding.

 

what allowed you to reach that point?

To summarize:

 

 

God’s grace given to me

God faithfulness and support

My family’s support and love

Me doing my part

My wife’s remorse and actions over many years

My relationship with my children, grandchildren, parents, sister, and wife

My financial security

 

I am sure that I left something out but the above are defiantly the main reason that I have over 25 years of recovery and contentment

[NewLeaf512]

I don't usually post anymore on the relationship threads but I read every post here.

 

Obviously there are nuances to what every person uses as their criterion to define R.

 

In my reading this thread, it seems mostly that the BS who consider themselves in R, and some years and years on, are full of resentment, hurt and mistrust. Some know all the details and some don't. There are posters that spend lots of time being detectives, and some BS that seem to require a lifetime of repentance from their WS and with a tiny exception, the marriages seem to be just existing, living with a spouse they don't trust, who they are suspicious of and monitor. What would it take for a BS to feel the WS was never going to have an A again, and offer forgiveness and move forward? If that is not possible, if there has been so much hurt that real forgiveness is impossible, is it really R?

 

Does that just mean no divorce?

 

I'd be interested in understanding what it would mean to anyone who wants to answer, what a real R and happiness would look like for them?

 

My friend is in R, but she is scared every single day and cries and is haunted nearly every day for years. I hate seeing her this way. I support her always but to me that is not R.

Thanks for any insights you wish to provide.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't usually post anymore on the relationship threads but I read every post here.

 

Obviously there are nuances to what every person uses as their criterion to define R.

 

In my reading this thread, it seems mostly that the BS who consider themselves in R, and some years and years on, are full of resentment, hurt and mistrust. Some know all the details and some don't. There are posters that spend lots of time being detectives, and some BS that seem to require a lifetime of repentance from their WS and with a tiny exception, the marriages seem to be just existing, living with a spouse they don't trust, who they are suspicious of and monitor. What would it take for a BS to feel the WS was never going to have an A again, and offer forgiveness and move forward? If that is not possible, if there has been so much hurt that real forgiveness is impossible, is it really R?

 

Does that just mean no divorce?

 

I'd be interested in understanding what it would mean to anyone who wants to answer, what a real R and happiness would look like for them?

 

My friend is in R, but she is scared every single day and cries and is haunted nearly every day for years. I hate seeing her this way. I support her always but to me that is not R.

Thanks for any insights you wish to provide.

 

I think we are the tiny exception you mention...but I will be very honest with you....it takes decades. I do not believe that couples in reconciliation reach the place that we have reached in our relationship quickly. It takes love and time....lots and lots of time.

 

This is one reason that when I read couples who are one or two years in reconciliation declare the ws is remorseful and the bs has given forgiveness....I am very skeptical.

 

It takes YEARS to rebuild all of the things infidelity breaks.....

 

but...it is certainly possible. I think many many couples in reconciliation settle...and we did too for many years....we have no longer just "settled".

 

Our relationship is truly better than it has ever been.

 

I hope this answers your question.

[NewLeaf512]

I think we are the tiny exception you mention...but I will be very honest with you....it takes decades. I do not believe that couples in reconciliation reach the place that we have reached in our relationship quickly. It takes love and time....lots and lots of time.

 

This is one reason that when I read couples who are one or two years in reconciliation declare the ws is remorseful and the bs has given forgiveness....I am very skeptical.

 

It takes YEARS to rebuild all of the things infidelity breaks.....

 

but...it is certainly possible. I think many many couples in reconciliation settle...and we did too for many years....we have no longer just "settled".

 

Our relationship is truly better than it has ever been.

 

I hope this answers your question.

 

That's true I did mean you

[NewLeaf512]

I think we are the tiny exception you mention...but I will be very honest with you....it takes decades. I do not believe that couples in reconciliation reach the place that we have reached in our relationship quickly. It takes love and time....lots and lots of time.

 

This is one reason that when I read couples who are one or two years in reconciliation declare the ws is remorseful and the bs has given forgiveness....I am very skeptical.

 

It takes YEARS to rebuild all of the things infidelity breaks.....

 

but...it is certainly possible. I think many many couples in reconciliation settle...and we did too for many years....we have no longer just "settled".

 

Our relationship is truly better than it has ever been.

 

I hope this answers your question.

 

I also must add to me 18 Years Of cheating is unforgivable and not reconciliation material

[Mrs. John Adams]

Each individual couple has to answer for themselves whether or not reconciliation was worth it.

 

But I do agree with you...many people do settle...there is something in their relationship that says...it will never be what it once was...but i am willing to accept it as it is. I think John did that for many years...so I understand that mindset. We had a great life...even though....something was missing.

 

and I think therein lies the reason. Some couples truly love each other...in spite of the infidelity....and for the most part...life goes on...occasionally the infidelity raises it's little head and says...HEY YOU!!! I am still here!!!!! But as time goes on...those reminders grow less....

 

So life with the cheater...is more appealing than without the cheater.

 

Reconciliation is not the answer for all....many will try...and fail. Many will try...and settle. Few...will actually overcome.

[wmacbride]

I'm sure some couples settle after an affair, but there are just as many who feel they have not.

 

One consequence of being a BS that i have heard in many people is that they find an inner source of strength they never knew they had.

 

Was cheating part of how I pictured my marriage on the day we got married? Of course not. It happened, but I have found that it has actually presented us with opportunities and a chance to really know each other.

 

I've got kids with special needs, and if you do, you've likely heard the analogy of it being like buying a ticket for a action and ending up somewhere completely different and than the one had prepared you for. I look at my post-A marriage in a similar way. I never thought it could happen , but it did, and we ended up in a place we never expected to.

 

To use the vacation algology, initially, the strange country felt uncomfortable and lonely but as time goes on and effort is put in to making it great, it can be truly wonderful and have much to offer that you would never had had the opportunity to experience if the A had not happened.

 

Would I have preferred it if the A ha never taken place? of course, but that option is no longer open to me. I looked at the situtaion, and realize I was happier with him than without.

 

Each M is different, and for some, settling is an apt word, and for some other, barely surviving is an even better term. I've never felt that way though.

 

Every person carries emotional, scars of their experiences, but that doesn't make their lives mediocre. Depending on how they were able to cope, it's those every scars that make them beautiful. A marriage is the same way.

[Furious]

Imagine a tornado and a home is crushed by it. It could be easy to say why rebuild, and easy to criticize the time and effort involved in that endeavour.

 

Human nature is stubborn, some will rebuild that same old house by a flood zone. Some will take the insurance and rebuild on a hill and some will choose not to rebuild at all and that's ok too.

 

Often reconciliation is not only about oneself but the overall benefit for innocent children who may lose their quality of life for the errors they had no part in.

 

I also believe there is no set time for those who choose to reconcile or for those who choose not to. It's a journey, it's a private matter and I do feel it's no one's business to judge that journey and which road they take in the process.

[gettingstronger]

Imagine a tornado and a home is crushed by it. It could be easy to say why rebuild, and easy to criticize the time and effort involved in that endeavour.

 

Human nature is stubborn, some will rebuild that same old house by a flood zone. Some will take the insurance and rebuild on a hill and some will choose not to rebuild at all and that's ok too.

 

Often reconciliation is not only about oneself but the overall benefit for innocent children who may lose their quality of life for the errors they had no part in.

 

I also believe there is no set time for those who choose to reconcile or for those who choose not to. It's a journey, it's a private matter and I do feel it's no one's business to judge that journey and which road they take in the process.

 

 

On this I agree- I feel like sometimes when the "poor BS" card gets pulled ite because it fits the narrative of the writer- Reconciliation is a long process and just because today I am not shining the light on the positives in my marriage does not mean there aren't any- When answering these types of questions, some will be at a high point, some will be at a low point- reconciliation, for me, is usually some place in between most days-

[dichotomy]

"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."

 

M. Scott Peck, Psychiatrist & author

 

 

 

 

Yep maybe I just don't give a ***** anymore - is that reconciliation ?

 

Dichotomy, BH & long time LS poster

 

 

Edited May 28, 2016 by dichotomy

[NewLeaf512]

Imagine a tornado and a home is crushed by it. It could be easy to say why rebuild, and easy to criticize the time and effort involved in that endeavour.

 

Human nature is stubborn, some will rebuild that same old house by a flood zone. Some will take the insurance and rebuild on a hill and some will choose not to rebuild at all and that's ok too.

 

Often reconciliation is not only about oneself but the overall benefit for innocent children who may lose their quality of life for the errors they had no part in.

 

I also believe there is no set time for those who choose to reconcile or for those who choose not to. It's a journey, it's a private matter and I do feel it's no one's business to judge that journey and which road they take in the process.

 

Furious you know I love you but once in awhile we butt heads. R is personal to each couple and what works for the couple.

 

Here's my nit pick: a tornado is force majeure. An affair is a wilful act. A choice. A decision to break and demean vows. Not promises, vows.

 

I agree that the definition of R is private and made for the BS own reasons. I do not judge. I am trying to understand what the full spectrum of R means. For me, when I was married, and my H got his AP that was the point of no return for me.

[AlwaysGrowing]

What R looks like at the start and what R looks like a few months later and what R looks like a year later and 2 and 3 and 4 and.....etc is very different for most in R. To judge the beginning against those years out is unfair.

 

I do not know of many(any actually) that ask for polys years out, if they did, I agree that is unhealthy.

 

As far as transparency, there are loads of couples who follow this path, even without infidelity on either part.

 

I guess where I scratch my head is in the general belief of once a cheater always a cheater that 99% of those who stray get tarred with. If the more common take-away from APs is never again....why is it such a stretch to believe that most WS also take-away that as well.

 

There are quite a few FWS that post here that are on a spectrum of their individual internal growth. BS also are on the same spectrum/growth path. Is it fair to point to those along their journey and only point to their choices/behaviours/actions that they have done in the past and state "that is who you are forever".

 

Why do we gravitate towards those that are "failing" at R or are struggling, and hold that up as the example of 99% of what R ends up as?

 

Why do we believe that all relationships require work through-out the relationship but point to those in R and say "see....R isn't possible because you are still working on it"?

 

Should R always be the end goal? Absolutely not. Are there BS that are accepting the status quo who shouldn't? Yes. Are there WS who are serial cheaters? Yes. Are they the majority? No.

 

Again, if we understand that infidelity has been a journey for us, a journey that took years, a journey where we sometimes faltered, a journey that was often painful, a journey where the path is unclear (if only in our own mind/heart), a journey where there is anger, pitfalls, learning, self growth, a new I......then why is it so hard to believe that others effected by infidelity are on their own journey as well?

[Furious]

Furious you know I love you but once in awhile we butt heads. R is personal to each couple and what works for the couple.

 

Here's my nit pick: a tornado is force majeure. An affair is a wilful act. A choice. A decision to break and demean vows. Not promises, vows.

 

I agree that the definition of R is private and made for the BS own reasons. I do not judge. I am trying to understand what the full spectrum of R means. For me, when I was married, and my H got his AP that was the point of no return for me.

 

I think it's clear I used the analogy of a tornado as to how betrayal feels and how hard it is to attempt reconciliation. To be Betrayed is not a willful act or a choice and it will feel like a storm has hit. I wasn't talking about the choice WS's make or compared it to a tornado.

 

I understand you were under the impression your MM was separated and you were lied to but once you found out the truth you continued with him and in a way it was a form of reconciliation but from a different angle.

 

I'd imagine you'd see the connection and the sad irony is it's comparable to that of a betrayed person who tries to work it out with someone they loved and trusted.

 

The full spectrum is a mix of successful and failed reconciliations that has it's own timeline and emotions throughout it. Some are months or years from d-day, and to place the onus on a bad day, bad week, bad month in that journey does not reflect the overall journey.

 

I realize that not every poster here is on the same time set and I wouldn't want to judge their journey toward either reconciling or going their own way in the future.

Edited May 28, 2016 by Furious

[NewLeaf512]

I think it's clear I used the analogy of a tornado as to how betrayal feels and how hard it is to attempt reconciliation. To be Betrayed is not a willful act or a choice and it will feel like a storm has hit. I wasn't talking about the choice WS's make or compared it to a tornado.

 

I understand you were under the impression your MM was separated and you were lied to but once you found out the truth you continued with him and in a way it was a form of reconciliation but from a different angle.

 

I'd imagine you'd see the connection and the sad irony is it's comparable to that of a betrayed person who tries to work it out with someone they loved and trusted.

 

The full spectrum is a mix of successful and failed reconciliations that has it's own timeline and emotions throughout it. Some are months or years from d-day, and to place the onus on a bad day, bad week, bad month in that journey does not reflect the overall journey.

 

I realize that not every poster here is on the same time set and I wouldn't want to judge their journey toward either reconciling or going their own way in the future.

 

My comment on the tornado is as you suggest (maybe British to American translation!) force majeure in law is "act of God" completely unexpected and devastates the BS often with no warning and certainly no responsibility to be borne. I would imagine that the experience of the WS is quite different as they effectively and wilfully played God and enacted a force majeure on their family. If it is decided by the BS that they want R, I would hope that the WS showed true remorse and humility and demonstrated that in some fashion. It takes as long as it takes and of course there will be ups and downs. However the WS should never ever do it again.

 

And just for the record because my story is a year old, I only started speaking to him again after I had notarised copied and financial receipts showing he had instructed a divorce lawyer and then I called that lawyer to check. In hindsight nothing is real until it is done, and as we live about 5000 miles apart that check was the best I could do at the time. I was naive and I am remorseful for my part in this.

[William]

Morning folks. Had to do some clean-up since this thread seems to have moved a little left of center, so as a reminder here's the original post to help get things back on topic~T

 

If you are a former bs who is in a marriage you feel has successfully reconciled, what allowed you to reach that point?

 

For me, it was a whole series of small efforts on both our parts. I'm not one for grand gestures, and it was all the little things my fws did and that I did over a period of time that made it possible.

[understand50]

If you are a former bs who is in a marriage you feel has successfully reconciled, what allowed you to reach that point?

 

For me, it was a whole series of small efforts on both our parts. I'm not one for grand gestures, and it was all the little things my fws did and that I did over a period of time that made it possible.

 

Morning folks. Had to do some clean-up since this thread seems to have moved a little left of center, so as a reminder here's the original post to help get things back on topic~T

 

OK,

 

After some thinking,

 

I would put our two reconciliation down to several things.

 

1) we both wanted to stay together, or married. If you think about it, both sides must want to stay together and work at it. We have read of many reconciliations that fall apart due to false R, or one or the other not really being in the game. So commitment to stay together, and working on fixing any and all issues, from the cheating to whatever other issues there may be in the marriage. With out this, there can be no real reconciliation, as one or the other is just marking time.

 

2) Remorse by the WS, and willing to be open and transparent in the marriage and in your actions. Trust has been lost, and will not wholly recover, but one can show that they are trustworthy, by living a open life where your spouse does not have to check up on you. You become a open book, and are ready for inspection when needed. Myself, I have always told my wife, where I going and when I will be back. She has always done the same for me. To us it is just simple courtesy. I mean after all, I do not want to miss dinner, or the appointment for her or the kids.

 

3) I am a big believer, that in a reconciliation, the BS needs to do their share of work. I think this is what is missing in many reconciliations, the idea that we are trying to help the WS back into the marriage and our good graces. This does not mean rolling over, or accepting bad behavior, or a false R. It does mean acknowledging when they put fourth the effort. When they do the right things, even when its hurts. For those WS, that are truly horrified at what they did, some compassion for their hurt as well. My wife was really mad at herself for allowing herself to cheat on me. She is upset with herself for the overspending. While, not letting her off the hook, I acknowled her pain, and let her know, I do not think she is a evil or a bad person, but someone who forgot herself, and allowed herself to go down a wrong path. This may not apply to some stories I hear here, but we have examples of many WS, that have gone above and beyond to try and make it right. Again, I am trying to support her in keeping to the right path, as she does for me. I appreciate the effort.

 

My final thought, is that while the heavy lifting is on the side of the WS, we BS's have work as well. We need to remember, that we do love our spouses, even if not so much right at this time. We also need to remember, that wondering spouses also have human rights, and though they have stepped out of line, they did not lose their dignity, nor should they be abused, in a effort to assuage your rightful anger. I agree with some of you who feel divorce is the best course to take when ether the WS cannot understand what they did wrong and work to make amends, or when the BS is so wounded they can not see a loving and happy future together. I have always stated reconciliation is harder then divorcing, and is not for the faint of hart, but the rewards are great.

 

My two cents.......