Reconcilition from a bs point of view

[wmacbride]

OK,

 

After some thinking,

 

I would put our two reconciliation down to several things.

 

1) we both wanted to stay together, or married. If you think about it, both sides must want to stay together and work at it. We have read of many reconciliations that fall apart due to false R, or one or the other not really being in the game. So commitment to stay together, and working on fixing any and all issues, from the cheating to whatever other issues there may be in the marriage. With out this, there can be no real reconciliation, as one or the other is just marking time.

 

2) Remorse by the WS, and willing to be open and transparent in the marriage and in your actions. Trust has been lost, and will not wholly recover, but one can show that they are trustworthy, by living a open life where your spouse does not have to check up on you. You become a open book, and are ready for inspection when needed. Myself, I have always told my wife, where I going and when I will be back. She has always done the same for me. To us it is just simple courtesy. I mean after all, I do not want to miss dinner, or the appointment for her or the kids.

 

3) I am a big believer, that in a reconciliation, the BS needs to do their share of work. I think this is what is missing in many reconciliations, the idea that we are trying to help the WS back into the marriage and our good graces. This does not mean rolling over, or accepting bad behavior, or a false R. It does mean acknowledging when they put fourth the effort. When they do the right things, even when its hurts. For those WS, that are truly horrified at what they did, some compassion for their hurt as well. My wife was really mad at herself for allowing herself to cheat on me. She is upset with herself for the overspending. While, not letting her off the hook, I acknowled her pain, and let her know, I do not think she is a evil or a bad person, but someone who forgot herself, and allowed herself to go down a wrong path. This may not apply to some stories I hear here, but we have examples of many WS, that have gone above and beyond to try and make it right. Again, I am trying to support her in keeping to the right path, as she does for me. I appreciate the effort.

 

My final thought, is that while the heavy lifting is on the side of the WS, we BS's have work as well. We need to remember, that we do love our spouses, even if not so much right at this time. We also need to remember, that wondering spouses also have human rights, and though they have stepped out of line, they did not lose their dignity, nor should they be abused, in a effort to assuage your rightful anger. I agree with some of you who feel divorce is the best course to take when ether the WS cannot understand what they did wrong and work to make amends, or when the BS is so wounded they can not see a loving and happy future together. I have always stated reconciliation is harder then divorcing, and is not for the faint of hart, but the rewards are great.

 

My two cents.......

 

this was an excellent post

[strugglinghubby]

I don't usually post anymore on the relationship threads but I read every post here.

 

Obviously there are nuances to what every person uses as their criterion to define R.

 

In my reading this thread, it seems mostly that the BS who consider themselves in R, and some years and years on, are full of resentment, hurt and mistrust. Some know all the details and some don't. There are posters that spend lots of time being detectives, and some BS that seem to require a lifetime of repentance from their WS and with a tiny exception, the marriages seem to be just existing, living with a spouse they don't trust, who they are suspicious of and monitor. What would it take for a BS to feel the WS was never going to have an A again, and offer forgiveness and move forward? If that is not possible, if there has been so much hurt that real forgiveness is impossible, is it really R?

 

Does that just mean no divorce?

 

I'd be interested in understanding what it would mean to anyone who wants to answer, what a real R and happiness would look like for them?

 

My friend is in R, but she is scared every single day and cries and is haunted nearly every day for years. I hate seeing her this way. I support her always but to me that is not R.

Thanks for any insights you wish to provide.

 

I actually think reconciliation, the definition of such, is misrepresented in the context of recovery from an affair by many people. I don't think I'll ever forgive for what my WW did to me, but in saying that it doesn't mean that I can't have a fulfilling marriage going forward. It's just that the marriage is slightly less than it was to me before, doesn't mean that I don't love my W and our family, it's just a plain fact that someone who I loved and admired so much could consciously hurt me and lie to me like that, and acts such as that are going to leave permanent scars. However those scars don't need to define the marriage going forward.

 

What I said before and stick to, is that my belief having now gone through this is that a husband whose wife has done that to him will find it incredibly hard to forgive completely, and there's no way in hell they'll ever forget. But that doesn't mean that I can't let go of resentment, anger, mistrust etc, because I already have to a large degree. I've done that by just accepting it for what it is, and understanding that I'm prepared to live in a marriage where that element exists in it. Because for myself I still see the marriage's good points as far outweighing the bad for our entire family. That's not rug sweeping, that's compromising and adapting.

[wmacbride]

A part of reconciliation that can be hard to deal with sometimes is the way that some people will judge a bs based upon their decision to R.

 

The reactions I got , both in real life and in the online forums I joined after I found out my H had been having an A and I wanted to reconcile ran the gamut from those who felt that bs are strong people for wanting to stay to those who felt they are weak and allowing themselves to be doormats. There were also some that were just snide remarks from some who, for whatever reason, have a hate on for bs.

 

One ends up having to develop a thick skin:laugh:

[Mrs. John Adams]

A part of reconciliation that can be hard to deal with sometimes is the way that some people will judge a bs based upon their decision to R.

 

The reactions I got , both in real life and in the online forums I joined after I found out my H had been having an A and I wanted to reconcile ran the gamut from those who felt that bs are strong people for wanting to stay to those who felt they are weak and allowing themselves to be doormats. There were also some that were just snide remarks from some who, for whatever reason, have a hate on for bs.

 

One ends up having to develop a thick skin:laugh:

 

Especially on forums...lol

It is better now...but when we first came here....many folks were like...WHAT!!! divorce her!!! Why would you stay with a cheater????

 

Thankfully...because no one knew in the real world....we did not have to deal with that.

 

I find myself asking why others stay sometimes.....because the situations look so bleak to me.....but who am I? I don't live your houses....I don't "feel" the dynamics between you and your spouse......and I certainly am not privy to what goes on in your home on a daily basis.

 

If a couple decided to reconcile....there are deep lying reasons....my only fears are when waywards don't seem to want to put in the work that I know is needed.....I fear for the betrayed that they may be in for a terribly long painful ride that may not end well.

 

Anyway...you are right my friend.....thick skin is sometimes needed....determination is needed....and staying the course...going for the goal.

 

My own sweet John...never gave up on me....and he should have so many times. Amazing how his love never wavered.....

 

I feel so much of John in your posts WMACBride.......

[wmacbride]

Especially on forums...lol

It is better now...but when we first came here....many folks were like...WHAT!!! divorce her!!! Why would you stay with a cheater????

 

Thankfully...because no one knew in the real world....we did not have to deal with that.

 

I find myself asking why others stay sometimes.....because the situations look so bleak to me.....but who am I? I don't live your houses....I don't "feel" the dynamics between you and your spouse......and I certainly am not privy to what goes on in your home on a daily basis.

 

If a couple decided to reconcile....there are deep lying reasons....my only fears are when waywards don't seem to want to put in the work that I know is needed.....I fear for the betrayed that they may be in for a terribly long painful ride that may not end well.

 

Anyway...you are right my friend.....thick skin is sometimes needed....determination is needed....and staying the course...going for the goal.

 

My own sweet John...never gave up on me....and he should have so many times. Amazing how his love never wavered.....

 

I feel so much of John in your posts WMACBride.......

 

I would expect that you have had to develop a thick skin as well, being a former ws.

 

Your and your H are really great examples of how a long term marriage can survive the ups and downs that come with the territory. What didn;t break you made you stronger.

 

To me, you're also an excellent example of the importance of "mindfullness" in a marriage. by that I mean you both are aware of one anothers needs and use that to guide your interactions with one another. That's such an important lesson to learn, but the results can be wonderful.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would expect that you have had to develop a thick skin as well, being a former ws.

 

Your and your H are really great examples of how a long term marriage can survive the ups and downs that come with the territory. What didn;t break you made you stronger.

 

To me, you're also an excellent example of the importance of "mindfullness" in a marriage. by that I mean you both are aware of one anothers needs and use that to guide your interactions with one another. That's such an important lesson to learn, but the results can be wonderful.

 

I know you KNOW...I feel it in your posts. Marriage is about growing together...and when you almost lose each other...it is wonderful to be able to reclaim what you almost lost and cling and cleave. When the focus becomes the relationship....and not the individual.....it is amazing how intuitive and sensitive you become. My marriage is the most important thing in my life.....

[merrmeade]

I know you KNOW...I feel it in your posts. Marriage is about growing together...and when you almost lose each other...it is wonderful to be able to reclaim what you almost lost and cling and cleave. When the focus becomes the relationship....and not the individual.....it is amazing how intuitive and sensitive you become. My marriage is the most important thing in my life.....

I think this exchange between wmacbride and Mrs. JA says it all. It's not exactly a question of identying all the "small efforts" and "little things" that "allowed you to reach that point," it's more of the overall mutual understanding of intent and good will. The unconditional love between you is believed and accepted, so the trust is there and the implicit will to encourage and affirm each other's whole way of being. You make each other feel completely valued and accepted, with no caveats or conditions. You don't need to qualify it or talk about the "but if you ever..." possibilities. And you are equals. Neither of you has to prove something to the other nor do you need confirmation from the other.

 

No, there won't be many of these in the world at all, nevermind the community of BS reconcilers.

[heartwhole]

Saying we're "successfully reconciled" sounds so final. I view it more as a continuing process, like being a healthy person. You make the choice every day to be a healthy person -- if you grow complacent, you will soon find yourself making unhealthy choices again.

 

But anyway, to answer the question, I agree that it's been a lot of little things. It's been reaching out to one another and trying to be vulnerable. It's been not giving in to resentment or negativity. It's been conscious change, mostly on his part. It's been me telling myself, "Forgiveness is a gift I give myself." It's been a thousand tender moments, text messages, thoughtful gestures, dates, etc. It's been learning to see things from each others' points of view.

 

I feel loved and safe in my marriage. I do not feel entirely "over" the infidelity. I still feel angry and hurt, but since I feel loved and safe, I am free to be those things within my marriage.