Affairs and the question of the Betrayed Person's privacy

[stilltrying16]

Hi all,

 

If you were the BP, did your wayward share with his/her AP things you expected to be kept between you as a couple? How did you react to that particular violation?

 

Looking back, it really bothered me how freely my WBF shared things with his AP that I would never want to be public. And they weren't shameful secrets either...just things I didn't care to share with the world. Decades later it still upsets me that he could do without giving it a thought. In fact I wondered if sharing my life with her was a way for him to gain intimacy. If they bonded (in part) over me! I'm sure I'm inflating my importance to their affair....but still.

 

Just curious if other BPs had a similar experience -and of course it would be really great to hear from APS and Waywards who have insights on this issue of the BP's privacy.

[purplesorrow]

Hi all,

 

If you were the BP, did your wayward share with his/her AP things you expected to be kept between you as a couple? How did you react to that particular violation?

 

Looking back, it really bothered me how freely my WBF shared things with his AP that I would never want to be public. And they weren't shameful secrets either...just things I didn't care to share with the world. Decades later it still upsets me that he could do without giving it a thought. In fact I wondered if sharing my life with her was a way for him to gain intimacy. If they bonded (in part) over me! I'm sure I'm inflating my importance to their affair....but still.

 

Just curious if other BPs had a similar experience -and of course it would be really great to hear from APS and Waywards who have insights on this issue of the BP's privacy.

 

Out of everything that went on, I was most hurt by him sharing my life with her. Did they really have nothing else to talk about? He never said anything negative. It felt like such a violation. It was a big reason I didn't reconcile. That act in itself I felt really demolished our innocence. Our inside jokes and little nuances were no longer ours because he shared with her. One sentence I read, he referred to himself and her as 'us'. In that moment, she was his 'us', I was crushed.

[ladydesigner]

Hi all,

 

If you were the BP, did your wayward share with his/her AP things you expected to be kept between you as a couple? How did you react to that particular violation?

 

Looking back, it really bothered me how freely my WBF shared things with his AP that I would never want to be public. And they weren't shameful secrets either...just things I didn't care to share with the world. Decades later it still upsets me that he could do without giving it a thought. In fact I wondered if sharing my life with her was a way for him to gain intimacy. If they bonded (in part) over me! I'm sure I'm inflating my importance to their affair....but still.

 

Just curious if other BPs had a similar experience -and of course it would be really great to hear from APS and Waywards who have insights on this issue of the BP's privacy.

 

Not only did he share those things, but spoke very badly of me to her. I know because when I spoke with MOW she told me things only my WH would have known

[WasOtherWoman]

When we were in our affair we never discussed his wife or any of the details of his marriage, just that he had not been in love with his wife for a very long time.

 

I would have been horrified had he tried to share any of these details with me.

[stilltrying16]

Out of everything that went on, I was most hurt by him sharing my life with her. Did they really have nothing else to talk about? He never said anything negative. It felt like such a violation. It was a big reason I didn't reconcile. That act in itself I felt really demolished our innocence. Our inside jokes and little nuances were no longer ours because he shared with her. One sentence I read, he referred to himself and her as 'us'. In that moment, she was his 'us', I was crushed.

 

Purple sorrow, thank you. I could have written your post.

We didn't reconcile though he actually tried. To be fair, it was relatively easy for me to snip the knot. We were young, in our first long term relationship. No kids or property to worry over. But we had talked about marrying (well he did- he was quite persistent). It was just not an option for me after DD and the violation of my privacy was a huge factor. I cared a lot less about the sex.

 

Not only did he share those things, but spoke very badly of me to her. I know because when I spoke with MOW she told me things only my WH would have known

 

I am so sorry that happened to you too, lady designer. It hurts so much that someone who professed/professed to love you could do that to you.

 

 

When we were in our affair we never discussed his wife or any of the details of his marriage, just that he had not been in love with his wife for a very long time.

 

I would have been horrified had he tried to share any of these details with me.

 

WasOtherWoman, I really respect you for this.

[WasOtherWoman]

Thank you.

 

You know, I have mostly stayed off of that other thread "women supporting women" since I am a woman married to her former affair partner, which kind of negates anything i might think anyway, but.....

 

If any man complains to me about his wife I get seriously prickly and immediately start asking him questions around how he might be contributing to her behavior.

 

Had my husband, (then MM) even considered going down that path and telling me tales about his then-wife, I am sure he knew I would have blown him out of the water. Fortunately, he's not really one to tell tales out of school.

 

He will occasionally make a crack about her now (and I really LIKE her) so I will always say "hey hey now!!" Even nearly 18 years later, i really have no knowledge of what their marriage was like. That is their business, not mine.

[dichotomy]

I did not have enough information - from spying or confessions from WW to know what she was discussed with OM MM. It was an EA (was PA before we dated) so I know there was a lot of talk. But she was also very "in love" with me and "happy" so I dont think what she shared was negative from her view point - but personal ? and private ? I suspect she talked about stuff I would not have been happy about.

 

I know of one thing she confessed to me - that OM asked her about if I took care of her sexual needs, and she told him I satisfied her. If there was more discussion or details to that or other things about me (and I suspect there may have been) I will never ever know. She is not going to tell me and I have no emails or recordings to confirm either way.

 

I have some emails form our first two months of dating where she appears to have shared with one ex BF our first sexual encounter awkwardness. Hard to get mad at that exactly as we had just started dating.

 

I also do know that one or two of her GF's - who were " in" on her long term relationship with OM MM - she told these GF's something very personal about me - that I told her never ever to share with anyone else. I was very mad about this - when she confessed she told them. Out therapist gave her grief about this violation of my privacy.

 

Its all so F'ed up because she was so open and honest with everyone she knew or had sex with - except me. With me from day one (coffee date) she decided I was the one for her - and then shut up, lied and hid. She claims thats cause she did not want to loose me - and she still keeps much of those years hidden from me.

 

To this day I believe OM knew more about me then I do about him - and maybe he knows more about her then I do.

Edited May 18, 2016 by dichotomy

[Cloudcuckoo]

Privacy?...

 

My husband's concubine gained access to his email account because he asked her once to type in his password on her worn keyboard while at her home on one of his visits......(so he said)...

 

From that moment on, neither I nor any of my family had any 'privacy' from his other woman for the rest of his four year affair with her and beyond.

 

Vile...still makes me shudder so I tend not to go there unless catapulted back there unintentionally because it always leaves me nauseous and with a nasty taste in my mouth...

 

That's nothing to her demented behaviour when he dropped her like a hot coal, even though she and I lived over 300 miles apart.

 

I had no privacy from her, she had invaded every corner of my life, thanks to my husband's idiocy. He really was a T**t.

[stilltrying16]

I did not have enough information - from spying or confessions from WW to know what she was discussed with OM MM. It was an EA (was PA before we dated) so I know there was a lot of talk. But she was also very "in love" with me and "happy" so I dont think what she shared was negative from her view point - but personal ? and private ? I suspect she talked about stuff I would not have been happy about.

 

I know of one thing she confessed to me - that OM asked her about if I took care of her sexual needs, and she told him I satisfied her. If there was more discussion or details to that or other things about me (and I suspect there may have been) I will never ever know. She is not going to tell me and I have no emails or recordings to confirm either way.

 

I have some emails form our first two months of dating where she appears to have shared with one ex BF our first sexual encounter awkwardness. Hard to get mad at that exactly as we had just started dating.

 

I also do know that one or two of her GF's - who were " in" on her long term relationship with OM MM - she told these GF's something very personal about me - that I told her never ever to share with anyone else. I was very mad about this - when she confessed she told them. Out therapist gave her grief about this violation of my privacy.

 

Its all so F'ed up because she was so open and honest with everyone she knew or had sex with - except me. With me from day one (coffee date) she decided I was the one for her - and then shut up, lied and hid. She claims thats cause she did not want to loose me - and she still keeps much of those years hidden from me.

 

To this day I believe OM knew more about me then I do about him - and maybe he knows more about her then I do.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Any of it.

From what you say I get the impression that your WW sounds a little in awe of you- and clearly had and has respect for you even while she was in the affair. I could be wrong, but I got a strong impression that that's how it was with you both. It does make sense that she would be open about her life to everyone except you because she's afraid of losing you. If someone blurted out my business to others I somehow would feel better if she blurted out everyone's business to everyone. It's just who she is. As opposed to a cheater dining out on my life and earning brownie points from her/his AP by sharing my secrets. I'm sure it's still frustrating and painful. But to me it honestly feels as though what the OP knows about you is not consoling to him. I'm sorry again that you had to go through that experience. I wish healing for us all.

 

Privacy?...

 

My husband's concubine gained access to his email account because he asked her once to type in his password on her worn keyboard while at her home on one of his visits......(so he said)...

 

From that moment on, neither I nor any of my family had any 'privacy' from his other woman for the rest of his four year affair with her and beyond.

 

Vile...still makes me shudder so I tend not to go there unless catapulted back there unintentionally because it always leaves me nauseous and with a nasty taste in my mouth...

 

That's nothing to her demented behaviour when he dropped her like a hot coal, even though she and I lived over 300 miles apart.

 

I had no privacy from her, she had invaded every corner of my life, thanks to my husband's idiocy. He really was a T**t.

 

What a nightmare, Cloudcuckoo. My heart goes out to you and your family. I would find it very difficult to forgive. I hold grudges and never more so than when my privacy is involved. I've read your other posts and I think you are more generous than I could ever be.

[RecentChange]

I cheated on my spouse with a married man.

 

Neither of us (WS / MM) ever said much of anything about our spouses, and absolutely nothing negative. It was largely an avoided subject.

 

I let his (my spouse's) name slip once - I have no idea what the MM's wife's name is even.

 

All he said is that she didn't deserve it. All I said is that I didn't have a good reason beyond selfishness.

 

Ours wasn't an emotional affair - it was a FWB arrangement, and thus, many things, like our spouses was not to be discussed.

[stilltrying16]

I cheated on my spouse with a married man.

 

Neither of us (WS / MM) ever said much of anything about our spouses, and absolutely nothing negative. It was largely an avoided subject.

 

I let his (my spouse's) name slip once - I have no idea what the MM's wife's name is even.

 

All he said is that she didn't deserve it. All I said is that I didn't have a good reason beyond selfishness.

 

Ours wasn't an emotional affair - it was a FWB arrangement, and thus, many things, like our spouses was not to be discussed.

 

Very cool. Thanks for sharing this. It is so good to know that not all affairs follow the same exploitative pattern. You both have my respect. If this had been the set up in my case, I would have been a lot less screwed up.

[RecentChange]

Eh' well I certainly do not deserve an award. Neither does he (MM) - there are crappy ways to go about something like this, and then there are REALLY crappy ways to handle it.

 

In the end, it all involves lying. So I can tell my spouse that I never said a single thing against him - but he doesn't really KNOW that, he wasn't there. All I can do now is keep telling the truth and hope for the best.

 

Its kinda hard to be a "cheater" and take the moral high road, but in ways I have tried.

Edited May 18, 2016 by RecentChange

[purplesorrow]

I cheated on my spouse with a married man.

 

Neither of us (WS / MM) ever said much of anything about our spouses, and absolutely nothing negative. It was largely an avoided subject.

 

I let his (my spouse's) name slip once - I have no idea what the MM's wife's name is even.

 

All he said is that she didn't deserve it. All I said is that I didn't have a good reason beyond selfishness.

 

Ours wasn't an emotional affair - it was a FWB arrangement, and thus, many things, like our spouses was not to be discussed.

 

My ex often said in their emails and messages that I didn't deserve what he was doing. He never had much of a response when she would ask why he was cheating if I didn't deserve it. Just that it was him. Affairs truly suck.

[Whoknew30]

I'm both a WS & BS...my H never really talked about me to his OW but I did talk about my H to OM...often an A turns into friendship, if it lasts long enough. Even if starts out only about sex,having sex multiple times with a person forms a bond & sometimes things just are talked about, I don't think people often go into A even thinking they'd open up emotionally to the AP unless it started of as a EA to begin with.

[RecentChange]

^^ true, but we made a conscious and spoken choice to not cross that line. Personal stuff was not to be talked about, because we didn't want to become emotionally involved - and knew it would take effort to control that.

 

I actually give the MM the majority of the credit for pulling back any time things got too cozy.

[Whoknew30]

^^ true, but we made a conscious and spoken choice to not cross that line. Personal stuff was not to be talked about, because we didn't want to become emotionally involved - and knew it would take effort to control that.

 

I actually give the MM the majority of the credit for pulling back any time things got too cozy.

 

My H was the only guy I was ever emotionally involved with & I had been pretty good (even really young) not getting emotionally involved with anyone I didn't want to but OM really opened up to me at a time where my H shut me out. I think that's a factor too, what motive a WS is cheating for...if they're just looking for sex then it probably won't happen but if they do for emotional, than I guess a WS would be more about that connection.

[stilltrying16]

Recent Change, it sure beats the "in for a penny, in for a pound" thinking that guides all my addictive behavior- over cigarettes (when I used to smoke), carbs (still a problem), procrastination (the bane of my life) and so many others. Ok, entering an affair isn't great, but containing the damage after that is still commendable.

 

Whoknew30, I do see what you're saying. I have very, very close friendships. But I still would balk at telling the closest of friends anything that my partner or another friend said to me if they didn't give me explicit permission to pass it on. And I also wouldn't tell my partner anything that was going on in my friends' world. I think it's unfair to betray a friend's privacy even if the friendship ends and even if I come to detest them later.

 

Could be a generational thing, though. I think I'm older than the median age here at LS. Maybe people no longer fetishize privacy as much I do. I mean I can't imagine ever going on Facebook- so I am an extreme case.

[ladydesigner]

You know what bothered me the most about the privacy thing was that he told MOW things I never knew that he thought about me. I never heard my WH talk like that about me before, it was really surreal. I wondered and still wonder if I ever really knew the man I married. My marriage reminds me a lot of that TV show 'Who the Bleep Did I Marry?'

[Sabella]

My AP and I shared a lot of issues we were having with our spouses. It was in fact a big part of our EA. We never future faked, so we would vent and confide. I don't recall him really talking horridly about her though, more annoyances. Towards the end of our affair, that slowed down a lot. I think we both realized it was kind of awkward all around. I was always mindful that i was only getting his side of the story too.

 

I can completely understand how this must be disgusting to you and a huge betrayal

Edited May 18, 2016 by Sabella

[Steen719]

My XH lied about me to his MOW. I know because I read the facebook messages. He told her things like I yelled at him in front of the nurses and Drs. This, from the sorry s.o.b. that I had taken care of before, during and after his transplant, physically, emotionally and financially and had been married to for 22 years. He lied about other things as well. I made sure she knew he was a liar, but what they heck...she already knew that. He was lying to be able to be with her. I believe that people are who people are. You can put lipstick on a pig - you know, it is still a pig. If you gain that person in your life and you know what they have done, well....then you see it coming I guess. MOW decided her life wasn't so bad. I don't blame her. Who wants to set their life up with someone who treated their wife like that?

 

If you can't help yourself from cheating on and lying about someone who you have pledged to spend your life with and who trusts you, then surely it is the right decision to leave. I could have lived with it much better if the leaving came first, but then again - he didn't want me to leave. He wanted it all. Quite a guy.

 

I think the privacy issue is just another cog in the wheel of deception. I guess it can make it more painful, but really, what isn't painful about an affair? I'm not sure that I think not talking about personal things in an affair makes it "better".

[Lady Hamilton]

Mine is a bit messier.

 

My AP (now husband) and I were extremely, extremely close friends for a long time before we had an affair. As a result, he knew a lot about what was going on with me in my marriage and vice versa. Not so much because we talked about it all the time, but because we saw it. I'll admit that as my marriage started falling apart at warp speed I went through three traumatic events. While coping with them, I did share a lot about my husband at the time with my AP. A whole ton.

 

When the affair became physical was about the time I decided to leave and I went into survival mode. While I'm sure I brought him up, I don't really remember in what context really. I think it was more factual, like "he knows X, he wants Y" and not a big confessional.

 

My AP/now husband, he breathed not a word of his wife's anything before the affair. He'd imply things occasionally but never say anything outright. After the affair, he'd talk about how she was behaving, her reactions to things, but never deep, dirty secrets. He would forward emails she sent about him and the affair, as well as emails from her family, but they'd ask him to.

 

But intimate jokes or stories? Not really. In fact, there are things about his marriage to her that he just shared with me a few weeks ago that I'd never heard or knew of.

 

That said, the idea he did (and does) share these things made (and continues to make) her absolutely nuts. But honestly, during the affair we weren't into the "cute stuff my spouse does" mode, and after he left, the last thing we wanted to talk about were our exes.

 

Though when he bounced back and forth between me and her, each time he would share each and every dirty secret about me. She demanded it and he felt if he was going to reconcile she was owed the answers. With that info, she did what's best described as a hostile takeover of aspects of my life in an effort to drive me off and re-create aspects of me to please him. I'd be lying if I said it didn't tweak my nose a bit, and at times it still does. I don't know how that fits in the discussion, but in case it does... There it is.

Edited May 18, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[stilltrying16]

You know what bothered me the most about the privacy thing was that he told MOW things I never knew that he thought about me. I never heard my WH talk like that about me before, it was really surreal. I wondered and still wonder if I ever really knew the man I married. My marriage reminds me a lot of that TV show 'Who the Bleep Did I Marry?'

 

Yes- surreal is exactly what it is. I read your recent thread, ladydesigner, and I am just so sorry you are trapped as you are. After learning of his blabbing (and his fictionalized version of your lives together) was it easier for you to detach emotionally from him? It really helped me lose respect and love for him. So it was good in that sense, I guess.

 

 

My XH lied about me to his MOW. I know because I read the facebook messages. He told her things like I yelled at him in front of the nurses and Drs. This, from the sorry s.o.b. that I had taken care of before, during and after his transplant, physically, emotionally and financially and had been married to for 22 years. He lied about other things as well. I made sure she knew he was a liar, but what they heck...she already knew that. He was lying to be able to be with her. I believe that people are who people are. You can put lipstick on a pig - you know, it is still a pig. If you gain that person in your life and you know what they have done, well....then you see it coming I guess.MOW decided her life wasn't so bad. I don't blame her. Who wants to set their life up with someone who treated their wife like that?

 

If you can't help yourself from cheating on and lying about someone who you have pledged to spend your life with and who trusts you, then surely it is the right decision to leave. I could have lived with it much better if the leaving came first, but then again - he didn't want me to leave. He wanted it all. Quite a guy.

 

I think the privacy issue is just another cog in the wheel of deception. I guess it can make it more painful, but really, what isn't painful about an affair? I'm not sure that I think not talking about personal things in an affair makes it "better".

 

wow- that is so awful and painful. You nailed it when you said "what isn't painful about an affair?" Good for you making sure his horrible lies won't stick. He lost.

[stilltrying16]

My AP and I shared a lot of issues we were having with our spouses. It was in fact a big part of our EA. We never future faked, so we would vent and confide. I don't recall him really talking horridly about her though, more annoyances. Towards the end of our affair, that slowed down a lot. I think we both realized it was kind of awkward all around. I was always mindful that i was only getting his side of the story too.

 

I can completely understand how this must be disgusting to you and a huge betrayal

 

Sabella, having read your other thread, I think your marriage was abusive. Any loss of privacy for an abuser, whether or not s/he is betrayed, is just fine in my book. I am so so glad if your AP could help in this situation any way at all. I hope it helped you to talk to him.

 

The AP talking about his wife is a different matter altogether but thinking back to your posts, I doubt you encouraged him.

 

Mine is a bit messier.

 

[....] I'll admit that as my marriage started falling apart at warp speed I went through three traumatic events. While coping with them, I did share a lot about my husband at the time with my AP. A whole ton.

 

When the affair became physical was about the time I decided to leave and I went into survival mode. While I'm sure I brought him up, I don't really remember in what context really. I think it was more factual, like "he knows X, he wants Y" and not a big confessional.

 

My AP/now husband, he breathed not a word of his wife's anything before the affair. He'd imply things occasionally but never say anything outright. After the affair, he'd talk about how she was behaving, her reactions to things, but never deep, dirty secrets. He would forward emails she sent about him and the affair, as well as emails from her family, but they'd ask him to.

...

 

That said, the idea he did (and does) share these things made (and continues to make) her absolutely nuts. But honestly, during the affair we weren't into the "cute stuff my spouse does" mode, and after he left, the last thing we wanted to talk about were our exes.

 

Though when he bounced back and forth between me and her, each time he would share each and every dirty secret about me. She demanded it and he felt if he was going to reconcile she was owed the answers. With that info, she did what's best described as a hostile takeover of aspects of my life in an effort to drive me off and re-create aspects of me to please him. I'd be lying if I said it didn't tweak my nose a bit, and at times it still does. I don't know how that fits in the discussion, but in case it does... There it is.

 

Lady Hamilton, thanks for your perspective, which I hadn't considered and which really complicates the whole scenario in a much needed way! Undergoing trauma not once, not twice, but thrice - I'm sorry. I'm glad you did have someone to help you through this. There's some parallel with Sabella's situation (I'm not assuming yours was abusive, but it does seem to have been linked in some way to the trauma). And in both I can see why privacy would take a back seat. I admit I have a lot less sympathy for your AP's carrying of secrets back and forth between you and his BP. Presumably his marriage wasn't abusive. And his affair definitely wasn't.

 

Truth be told, I would probably go nuts just as his wife did if I let my blabbing wayward stay. I hope I wouldn't demand details about his OW if I did- but who knows. I don't forgive easily and I bear grudges! I'm glad I didn't give myself the chance. I kicked my lying WBF out within an hour or two of finding out. Best decision I ever made.

 

BTW, horrible though these things are start to finish, I'm going to be mean and say I'm tickled at the thought of a wayward or MM- not any of ours, someone fictional- darting between AP & BP, carting secrets back and forth as fast as his little legs can carry him. Twinkletoes. Not trying to cast your husband or my WBF in this role, Lady Hamilton. I'm just thinking someone should write this scene for a play or a movie. Maybe someone has.

[RecentChange]

 

I think the privacy issue is just another cog in the wheel of deception. I guess it can make it more painful, but really, what isn't painful about an affair? I'm not sure that I think not talking about personal things in an affair makes it "better".

 

As someone that has been on both sides of the coin. I do think there are "better" and worse affairs.

 

While I took my spouse back with open arms - I have read many accounts here on LS about levels of betrayal that I would never for a moment consider reconciliation after.

 

No affair is "nice" but some are truly horrific. Bad mouthing the spouse. Sharing things with the AP that you wouldn't tell your spouse - in my book those things make it worse..... layers to the cake if you will.

 

Some affairs are relatively simple (I would say my spouse's was, as was mine - although both were very different). Some affairs are a real **** show.

[Lady Hamilton]

Lady Hamilton, thanks for your perspective, which I hadn't considered and which really complicates the whole scenario in a much needed way! Undergoing trauma not once, not twice, but thrice - I'm sorry. I'm glad you did have someone to help you through this. There's some parallel with Sabella's situation (I'm not assuming yours was abusive, but it does seem to have been linked in some way to the trauma). And in both I can see why privacy would take a back seat. I admit I have a lot less sympathy for your AP's carrying of secrets back and forth between you and his BP. Presumably his marriage wasn't abusive. And his affair definitely wasn't.

 

My AP/now husband didn't really take her secrets to me, and the ones he brought to her, while annoying, I understood. He was trying to "make it work" and everybody says full disclosure is what "making it work" entails. So he was doing what he thought he had to do to "fix" things with is then-wife.

 

Honestly, I can't fault him for that. Even though each time he went back to her I knew he'd end up leaving again, I think it was important for his process to try at trying, as it were. So no matter how uncomfortable and inappropriate her questions were (and how she used the information), he felt it was what he had to do.

 

Though, my husbands first marriage was highly abusive, the degree of which I didn't start to get until very, very recently... And he left almost a decade ago.

 

Truth be told, I would probably go nuts just as his wife did if I let my blabbing wayward stay. I hope I wouldn't demand details about his OW if I did- but who knows. I don't forgive easily and I bear grudges! I'm glad I didn't give myself the chance. I kicked my lying WBF out within an hour or two of finding out. Best decision I ever made.

 

The best we can do is the best we can do and I'm glad you found your "best" along with your happiness.

 

BTW, horrible though these things are start to finish, I'm going to be mean and say I'm tickled at the thought of a wayward or MM- not any of ours, someone fictional- darting between AP & BP, carting secrets back and forth as fast as his little legs can carry him. Twinkletoes. Not trying to cast your husband or my WBF in this role, Lady Hamilton. I'm just thinking someone should write this scene for a play or a movie. Maybe someone has.

 

Stick around here long enough... You'll see it. ?