Affairs and the question of the Betrayed Person's privacy

[minimariah]

he talked a LOT about me, LOL. it was a result of his enormous guilt. he praised me, spoke positively about me but also mentioned a lot of random facts... like - details about my interests, favourite music, movies, profession... habits! & yeah, he shared one unpleasant fact about my childhood.

 

i was devastated when i found out. i couldn't understand why he mentioned me AT ALL. when we divorced & my xH and his OW started their own relationship and became serious... we started seeing more of each other because of our child and she would use random facts she knew about me in order to spark a conversation and some kind of relationship with me. during that first year - i kept my mouth shut, literally. said hello and sat and watched my daughter's swimming class in silence, LOL. she'd mention this or that and i thought how alike we are and for my birthday, she sent a gift which is something i wanted for a long time & my xH was the only one to know. at that point, i called him and asked him about it and he told me that he DID share things about me.

 

what bothered me the most... he shared a lot of our personal moments close to D day & after we decided to divorce, it was a really quick decision. those were my moments of weakness and i didn't like him sharing that, it was super unpleasant. i felt uncomfortable and i always tought she'd use something against me because i can never be sure about what EXACTLY he told her - it is a major violation. i personally never wanted to reconcile but even if i did... THAT would have made it impossible. it wasn't even such a horrible thing, at least he didn't bash me but... it's still really uncomfortable. like, you expose yourself to this one person and that person shares it on without your consent? sucks, really sucks.

[gemini6]

Yes, they spoke of us and "bonded" over their "unhappiness" with us. Her H was horrible to her, drinking all the time and emotionally abusive - I was uncaring and cold to my H, too focused on my own career to be bothered with him -

 

I don't know the truth to her story but I know the truth to mine..and his "woes me" bullshick was total bull.

[Arieswoman]

This was similar to my situation,

 

Yes, they spoke of us and "bonded" over their "unhappiness" with us. Her H was horrible to her, drinking all the time and emotionally abusive - I was uncaring and cold to my H, too focused on my own career to be bothered with him -

 

In my case it was her fiance who "had no time for her" - in actual fact he was working all the hours God sent trying to get a deposit together for a house for them. (She didn't have much earning potential)

 

I "didn't give him enough affection" and had "got fat" in actual fact I was 5'3" tall and 133lbs at the time She got a surprise when she met me and saw that I wasn't a lard-@r$e

 

He neglected to tell her it was my salary that was paying for more than half of what we had, including a car ( which he borrowed to take her out in )

 

What hurt most was him revealing intimate details about our life to her. She told a couple of friends and then it was all round the factory where they both worked. I knew this because it came back to me many years later via a convoluted route.

 

That and the gaslighting were worse than the actual cheating, in terms of hurt and humiliation.

[Cloudcuckoo]

This was similar to my situation,

 

 

 

In my case it was her fiance who "had no time for her" - in actual fact he was working all the hours God sent trying to get a deposit together for a house for them. (She didn't have much earning potential)

 

I "didn't give him enough affection" and had "got fat" in actual fact I was 5'3" tall and 133lbs at the time She got a surprise when she met me and saw that I wasn't a lard-@r$e

 

He neglected to tell her it was my salary that was paying for more than half of what we had, including a car ( which he borrowed to take her out in )

 

What hurt most was him revealing intimate details about our life to her. She told a couple of friends and then it was all round the factory where they both worked. I knew this because it came back to me many years later via a convoluted route.

 

That and the gaslighting were worse than the actual cheating, in terms of hurt and humiliation.

 

 

That's just awful Aries, and so horribly mhumiliating to endure..

 

I empathise. The realisation that this other woman knows intimate details of your life without your permission or knowledge is quite creepy isn't it?

[Arieswoman]

Cloudcuckoo,

 

I empathise.

 

Thanks for that.

 

The realisation that this other woman knows intimate details of your life without your permission or knowledge is quite creepy isn't it?

 

Absolutely. And the fact that it got spread all around their workplace was pretty tacky.

 

Just shows what a sad pair of @r$ehole$ they were

[Steen719]

The gaslighting - yes. Horrible. "Let me blame you for my affair - it makes it OK".

Such cowardice.

 

Yes, Arieswoman, I forgot until your post that my XH was bragging to his OW that he was paying for my son's college - ha. In reality, I worked 2 jobs to help him, my son took student loans to supplement his scholarships and his dad did very little for him. I made sure she knew that too. But XH was always boastful, making reality a little better.

 

Oh well, he lost. What a prince:D

[gemini6]

The gaslighting - yes. Horrible. "Let me blame you for my affair - it makes it OK".

Such cowardice.

I have to agree with that! My H told me I didn't care about him, I didn't care about the house - I was standing on a ladder painting the living room as he was saying it.

He was nuts at the time - when I told him to roll on out the door, that I'd be fine - he was angry because it just proved that I "didn't care!" At some point I just died laughing because.. what the ----?! It was the oddest most confusing thing - it was like aliens body snatched him and left me with a total psycho! Yeah, she could have it! Where was she? Why are they not long gone into the sunset yet??

[ladydesigner]

Yes- surreal is exactly what it is. I read your recent thread, ladydesigner, and I am just so sorry you are trapped as you are. After learning of his blabbing (and his fictionalized version of your lives together) was it easier for you to detach emotionally from him? It really helped me lose respect and love for him. So it was good in that sense, I guess.

 

 

 

 

wow- that is so awful and painful. You nailed it when you said "what isn't painful about an affair?" Good for you making sure his horrible lies won't stick. He lost.

 

Yes instant detachment is what it felt like . I'm still detached and yes I feel better being detached for the time being.

[ladydesigner]

I have to agree with that! My H told me I didn't care about him, I didn't care about the house - I was standing on a ladder painting the living room as he was saying it.

He was nuts at the time - when I told him to roll on out the door, that I'd be fine - he was angry because it just proved that I "didn't care!" At some point I just died laughing because.. what the ----?! It was the oddest most confusing thing - it was like aliens body snatched him and left me with a total psycho! Yeah, she could have it! Where was she? Why are they not long gone into the sunset yet??

 

Omg why do they do this?!?! It makes you want to run out of the room screaming. My WH used to be able to manipulate me, once I figured out what it was he was doing and still does to this day (I am not in R by the way) I stop that **** cold and don't even engage with him anymore. He says I've turned my back on him! Ya think!?:lmao:

[stilltrying16]

As someone that has been on both sides of the coin. I do think there are "better" and worse affairs.

 

While I took my spouse back with open arms - I have read many accounts here on LS about levels of betrayal that I would never for a moment consider reconciliation after.

 

No affair is "nice" but some are truly horrific. Bad mouthing the spouse. Sharing things with the AP that you wouldn't tell your spouse - in my book those things make it worse..... layers to the cake if you will.

 

Some affairs are relatively simple (I would say my spouse's was, as was mine - although both were very different). Some affairs are a real **** show.

 

You nailed it, Recent Change. Until the start of this year (when I suddenly got obsessed with infidelity again) I didn't see how many different types of affairs there are. And yes, I find some less appalling/hurtful than others. Affairs that involve violations of privacy, gaslighting and blameshifting are basically the worst in my book too. Thanks

[stilltrying16]

My AP/now husband didn't really take her secrets to me, and the ones he brought to her, while annoying, I understood. He was trying to "make it work" and everybody says full disclosure is what "making it work" entails. So he was doing what he thought he had to do to "fix" things with is then-wife.

 

 

Honestly, I can't fault him for that. Even though each time he went back to her I knew he'd end up leaving again, I think it was important for his process to try at trying, as it were. So no matter how uncomfortable and inappropriate her questions were (and how she used the information), he felt it was what he had to do.

 

Yes- I see what you are saying. Since I was on her side of the divide, let me just say I didn't want to know any additional tidbits about her that he could provide- I actually did know her because we were in the same circle of friends and I was quite happy to stick with my own knowledge of her (which wasn't all negative either).

 

I don't know; maybe it's because the R ended that I didn't feel a need to snoop and pry. But you know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I really wouldn't have probed him for details about her life that had nothing to do with the affair. That is my line in the sand....of course this is hypothetical.

 

 

The best we can do is the best we can do and I'm glad you found your "best" along with your happiness.

 

Thank you. And right back atcha.

 

 

Stick around here long enough... You'll see it. ?

 

Hope that's a promise!

[stilltrying16]

he talked a LOT about me, LOL. it was a result of his enormous guilt. he praised me, spoke positively about me but also mentioned a lot of random facts... like - details about my interests, favourite music, movies, profession... habits! & yeah, he shared one unpleasant fact about my childhood.

 

i was devastated when i found out. i couldn't understand why he mentioned me AT ALL.

 

Well you know him best, and it might be guilt but it also sounds a little like he was utterly and completely taken by you. Maybe he realized that you were the most interesting thing about him! OR they honestly had nothing to discuss. So sorry that he disclose that fact. How awful for you. Mine gave away some private issues in my parent's relationship. We lived in very small world and I was horrified

 

when we divorced & my xH and his OW started their own relationship and became serious... we started seeing more of each other because of our child and she would use random facts she knew about me in order to spark a conversation and some kind of relationship with me. during that first year - i kept my mouth shut, literally. said hello and sat and watched my daughter's swimming class in silence, LOL. she'd mention this or that and i thought how alike we are and for my birthday, she sent a gift which is something i wanted for a long time & my xH was the only one to know. at that point, i called him and asked him about it and he told me that he DID share things about me.

 

Ah, so you got it from the horse's mouth! And she wanted to be friends and reached out to you? Again, to me it sounds like she knew you might be the most interesting aspect of his life. You were incredibly gracious to even sit quietly in her vicinity! I think she lucked out in her AP's BW.

what bothered me the most... he shared a lot of our personal moments close to D day & after we decided to divorce, it was a really quick decision. those were my moments of weakness and i didn't like him sharing that, it was super unpleasant. i felt uncomfortable and i always tought she'd use something against me because i can never be sure about what EXACTLY he told her - it is a major violation. i personally never wanted to reconcile but even if i did... THAT would have made it impossible. it wasn't even such a horrible thing, at least he didn't bash me but... it's still really uncomfortable. like, you expose yourself to this one person and that person shares it on without your consent? sucks, really sucks.

 

That's it, exactly. It doesn't have to be something shameful- and I completely agree it sucks, and I am sorry you went through that. His chattiness rubbed me very wrong too.

 

mariah, finally let me just say I'm sorry for this delayed response. I missed a number of responses when my thread got moved because I don't normally look in this forum.

[stilltrying16]

Yes, they spoke of us and "bonded" over their "unhappiness" with us. Her H was horrible to her, drinking all the time and emotionally abusive - I was uncaring and cold to my H, too focused on my own career to be bothered with him -

 

I don't know the truth to her story but I know the truth to mine..and his "woes me" bullshick was total bull.

 

Funny how their cover stories are so, so alike. I do believe there are genuine instances of abuse and so it's even more appalling when our WSO's so carelessly lie about abuse as reason for the A (as in her case). As for the business about cold and uncaring- that too is straight from the cheater's handbook. Many waywards say their affair made them feel more "alive"- well it certainly did not make them original or creative, two things I associate with being alive.

 

I have to agree with that! My H told me I didn't care about him, I didn't care about the house - I was standing on a ladder painting the living room as he was saying it.

He was nuts at the time - when I told him to roll on out the door, that I'd be fine - he was angry because it just proved that I "didn't care!" At some point I just died laughing because.. what the ----?! It was the oddest most confusing thing - it was like aliens body snatched him and left me with a total psycho! Yeah, she could have it! Where was she? Why are they not long gone into the sunset yet??

 

Just this crazy crazy reasoning- can they ever explain it if they do come out of the fog?

[stilltrying16]

The gaslighting - yes. Horrible. "Let me blame you for my affair - it makes it OK".

Such cowardice.

 

Yes, Arieswoman, I forgot until your post that my XH was bragging to his OW that he was paying for my son's college - ha. In reality, I worked 2 jobs to help him, my son took student loans to supplement his scholarships and his dad did very little for him. I made sure she knew that too. But XH was always boastful, making reality a little better.

 

Oh well, he lost. What a prince:D

 

Such big lies. Very cool that she got the real story from you.

 

Yes instant detachment is what it felt like . I'm still detached and yes I feel better being detached for the time being.

 

Congratulations on feeling detached...it's the best feeling IMO when you have been hurt. I came across a great acronym for "detach"-related to cheating. It must be a wonderful protector especially for those who can't walk out immediately (or ever).

[stilltrying16]

This was similar to my situation,

 

 

 

In my case it was her fiance who "had no time for her" - in actual fact he was working all the hours God sent trying to get a deposit together for a house for them. (She didn't have much earning potential)

 

I "didn't give him enough affection" and had "got fat" in actual fact I was 5'3" tall and 133lbs at the time She got a surprise when she met me and saw that I wasn't a lard-@r$e

 

He neglected to tell her it was my salary that was paying for more than half of what we had, including a car ( which he borrowed to take her out in )

 

What hurt most was him revealing intimate details about our life to her. She told a couple of friends and then it was all round the factory where they both worked. I knew this because it came back to me many years later via a convoluted route.

 

That and the gaslighting were worse than the actual cheating, in terms of hurt and humiliation.

 

What a POS a**hole. The pair of them. How old were they? Sounds like a case of arrested development. I hope her fiance got out of that engagement! I think you can hold your head high for not being remotely like them!

 

I've read your other posts and think you are very gentle and kind. How could he do that to you?

 

That's just awful Aries, and so horribly mhumiliating to endure..

 

I empathise. The realisation that this other woman knows intimate details of your life without your permission or knowledge is quite creepy isn't it?

 

Totally agree.

 

Cloudcuckoo,

 

 

 

Thanks for that.

 

 

 

Absolutely. And the fact that it got spread all around their workplace was pretty tacky.

 

Just shows what a sad pair of @r$ehole$ they were

 

Anyone with any decency in that workplace would have been just as creeped out by the two pieces of shyte as most of us are reading it here. So sorry that happened to you!!!!!

[Arieswoman]

Stilltrying,

Anyone with any decency in that workplace would have been just as creeped out by the two pieces of shyte as most of us are reading it here. So sorry that happened to you!!!!

 

Thanks for your support

[gemini6]

Just this crazy crazy reasoning- can they ever explain it if they do come out of the fog?

No, they really can't..once the justification and excuses aren't needed anymore it's just a "what the hell was I doing / thinking?"

Gee, I don't know...looking for an excuse, I guess.