Another married coworker thread - how to respond

[Navybluegal]

While on a business trip to our corporate office in "another city" I was working with one of the colleagues who is based there (i.e. we don't normally cross paths). Great guy, very knowledgeable and yes- very attractive. But he is quite a bit older than me and more importantly, with a wedding band. So I ruled out the possibility of anything right away, but was excited to have him as a friend and colleague to keep in touch with if I had any questions in the area that's he specialized in.

 

... After I went back to my home office, he sent me an email asking how goes it. Very nice and friendly e-mail, no subcontext. But he ended it with a postscriptum, "if I wasn't married???"

 

How should I interpret it? Is it a joke? (can't imagine anyone being serious with this kind of stuff over corporate e-mail). Is he flirting?

 

How should I respond if I want to remain friendly and keep communication open but don't want to get involved in an affair? Should I reply via corporate e-mail or take this off the record? I don't want to have any communication that can compromise either his or my employment.

 

PS. to be honest, if he wasn't married I would've been a happy camper, but to me someone else's man is off limits.

Edited May 18, 2016 by Navybluegal

[makemyday]

Hi Navy,

 

 

If it were me, I would ignore it and not say anything. Yes, he is flirting, testing the waters. Don't respond; don't engage. Your silence will speak volumes, and unless he's a total idiot, he will understand. Keep reminding yourself of your values: someone else's man is off limits. Be vigilant with yourself, because it's very easy to fall into something you don't want to. I'm saying this as someone who's gone down that path and experienced that pain. Don't put yourself through it. Best wishes to you!

[MsJayne]

I would respond in a friendly way, but completely ignore the "If I wasn't married?" bit, act like he didn't even say it. By asking that question he's sounding you out as a potential fling behind his wife's back, checking whether you'd respond positively if he made a move. This should tell you all you need to know about how much respect he has for his wife, for you, and for women in general. On the off-chance, (very off-chance), that he's crazy in love with you, he will pursue you outside of the corporate environment after he's separated from his wife. Good for you for not going for another woman's husband.

[Lois_Griffin]

While on a business trip to our corporate office in "another city" I was working with one of the colleagues who is based there (i.e. we don't normally cross paths). Great guy, very knowledgeable and yes- very attractive. But he is quite a bit older than me and more importantly, with a wedding band. So I ruled out the possibility of anything right away, but was excited to have him as a friend and colleague to keep in touch with if I had any questions in the area that's he specialized in.

 

... After I went back to my home office, he sent me an email asking how goes it. Very nice and friendly e-mail, no subcontext. But he ended it with a postscriptum, "if I wasn't married???"

 

How should I interpret it? Is it a joke? (can't imagine anyone being serious with this kind of stuff over corporate e-mail). Is he flirting?

 

How should I respond if I want to remain friendly and keep communication open but don't want to get involved in an affair? Should I reply via corporate e-mail or take this off the record? I don't want to have any communication that can compromise either his or my employment.

 

PS. to be honest, if he wasn't married I would've been a happy camper, but to me someone else's man is off limits.

Gosh. I'm flabbergasted. A married man hitting on a younger woman under the pretense of just being a nice guy and reaching out to say hi?

 

Unheard of!

 

After that most sincere and genuine inquiry of 'how goes it?' he then laments if ONLY he weren't married, my goodness the possibilities that could come of it!

 

LMAO! This guy is about as cliche as it GETS. And OP, if you think you're the first young woman Casanova has pulled this crap on, then I have some beachfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you. His type are a dime a dozen.

[Honoré9]

That can possibly be seen as sexual harassment in the work place. I guarantee you that you are not the fist lady he's pulled this with. You think he is off limits because he's married, really, he should be off limits because he's a cheater or at the very least a serial flirter. Neither of which a respectable woman would want to be with.

[Navybluegal]

thanks for replies everyone, very helpful.

 

I'm not judging the guy - couldn't care less what kind of personal choices people make. I certainly wouldn't want to be involved in this because I don't want drama in my life.

 

Honore, I hear what you're saying, but if he weren't married I wouldn't mind a fling even if it were just for some fun/sexy time. I'm not looking for a serious relationship as this point. But he IS married, so it's absolutely out if the question.

 

I still would want to remain friendly and on good terms with him. How should I position myself? Should I pretend that e-mail never happened?

Edited May 19, 2016 by Navybluegal

[CarrieT]

What will staying friendly with him result in? More flirting and testing of waters and playful banter.

 

It is a slippery slope and if you pursue the friendship, you will start to hear stories of how their marriage is almost over, they don't sleep together anymore, she is like a roommate, etc....

 

What you are proposing is exactly how affairs get started. Easier to quench it immediately. Are you so hard up for friends that you need a married guy who is obviously trying to reel you in?

[carhill]

How should I interpret it?

Normal MM stuff.

Is it a joke? (can't imagine anyone being serious with this kind of stuff over corporate e-mail).

Plausible deniability

Is he flirting?

Of course he is.

 

How should I respond if I want to remain friendly and keep communication open but don't want to get involved in an affair?

Focus on work-related content.

Should I reply via corporate e-mail or take this off the record?

If related to work, work e-mail is fine. Keep your end business and on-point. If he wants to sink his own ship, that's his business.

I don't want to have any communication that can compromise either his or my employment.

Don't worry about his employment. That's his problem. Do whatever benefits you.

[Space Ritual]

thanks for replies everyone, very helpful.

 

I'm not judging the guy - couldn't care less what kind of personal choices people make. I certainly wouldn't want to be involved in this because I don't want drama in my life.

 

Honore, I hear what you're saying, but if he weren't married I wouldn't mind a fling even if it were just for some fun/sexy time. I'm not looking for a serious relationship as this point. But he IS married, so it's absolutely out if the question.

 

I still would want to remain friendly and on good terms with him. How should I position myself? Should I pretend that e-mail never happened?

 

You can keep telling this to yourself over and over but the cat is already out of the proverbial bag.

 

The fact that you are asking followup questions about how to act around him while staying friendly suggests that you will seek to keep some form of excitement going with this.

 

Put down the Nicholas Sparks books and stop any contact with this guy.

[Navybluegal]

You can keep telling this to yourself over and over but the cat is already out of the proverbial bag.

 

The fact that you are asking followup questions about how to act around him while staying friendly suggests that you will seek to keep some form of excitement going with this.

 

Put down the Nicholas Sparks books and stop any contact with this guy.

 

you're right, I do like the excitement. But I feel that I can keep out of the danger zone. Do you think it will be impossible to maintain the like between friendly banter and a romantic involvement?

 

he's 25 years my senior for petes sake. It's fun to fantasize about it but in reality this is as far from Nicholas Sparks as it gets...

 

 

thanks again for the replies, I appreciate the objective advice. This situation sounds like trouble.

Edited May 19, 2016 by Navybluegal

[gemini6]

he's 25 years my senior for petes sake. It's fun to fantasize about it but in reality this is as far from Nicholas Sparks as it gets...

 

Honey listen, it could be fun, it could be exciting, it could be a lot of things..however, just wait until he starts complaining about his hemorrhoids and asking you to pick up the preparation H for him - turn off. Oh and when the ED rears it's head - or doesn't.

Why even bother potentially getting involved in a messy affair, that could ruin his M, devastate his wife, and leave you in misery for some old geezer that may or may not even be able to "perform" - Just saying! Stick to the young hot sexy muscle boys while you still can - believe me there is plenty of time for an old flabby balding guy with a spare tire. Oh and think about it: Aren't you glad YOU aren't married to the guy! I'd repy: BUT YOU ARE MARRIED, AND I"M GLAD I"M NOT MARRIED TO YOU! Gag!!

Edited May 20, 2016 by gemini6

[Navybluegal]

haha, thanks Gemini, what a way to bring me down to reality

[truth_seeker]

Honey listen, it could be fun, it could be exciting, it could be a lot of things..however, just wait until he starts complaining about his hemorrhoids and asking you to pick up the preparation H for him - turn off. Oh and when the ED rears it's head - or doesn't.

Why even bother potentially getting involved in a messy affair, that could ruin his M, devastate his wife, and leave you in misery for some old geezer that may or may not even be able to "perform" - Just saying! Stick to the young hot sexy muscle boys while you still can - believe me there is plenty of time for an old flabby balding guy with a spare tire. Oh and think about it: Aren't you glad YOU aren't married to the guy! I'd repy: BUT YOU ARE MARRIED, AND I"M GLAD I"M NOT MARRIED TO YOU! Gag!!

 

Woah! This is so out of line! Old flabby balding guy with a spare tire? What if he looks like Stallone? Rambo is almost 70 and he has more hair than lots of 20 year olds and is ripped to the bone!

 

Your advice is for her to be loose and get an STD from a muscle boy? Wow!

 

How about... don't get involved with a married man. End of discussion. You could add: stay away from men in relationships and date men around your age.

 

This response was approved by old flabby balding guys with spare tires across the globe.

[S2B]

thanks for replies everyone, very helpful.

 

I'm not judging the guy - couldn't care less what kind of personal choices people make. I certainly wouldn't want to be involved in this because I don't want drama in my life.

 

Honore, I hear what you're saying, but if he weren't married I wouldn't mind a fling even if it were just for some fun/sexy time. I'm not looking for a serious relationship as this point. But he IS married, so it's absolutely out if the question.

 

I still would want to remain friendly and on good terms with him. How should I position myself? Should I pretend that e-mail never happened?

 

It's work - keep things to work.

[Navybluegal]

Woah! This is so out of line! Old flabby balding guy with a spare tire? What if he looks like Stallone? Rambo is almost 70 and he has more hair than lots of 20 year olds and is ripped to the bone!

 

Your advice is for her to be loose and get an STD from a muscle boy? Wow!

 

How about... don't get involved with a married man. End of discussion. You could add: stay away from men in relationships and date men around your age.

 

This response was approved by old flabby balding guys with spare tires across the globe.

 

Lol, I agree.

 

This guy is hotter and in better shape in his 50's than a lot of my male coworkers in their 30's

[Navybluegal]

I would respond in a friendly way, but completely ignore the "If I wasn't married?" bit, act like he didn't even say it. By asking that question he's sounding you out as a potential fling behind his wife's back, checking whether you'd respond positively if he made a move.

 

If anyone's wondering, this is what I did.

Thanks for everyone's input!