Fiance's contact with another woman from the past...

[vanhalenfan]

Hey guys, I am struggling with something and need some perspective. First some quick facts:

 

Fiance and I have been together for 3 years. We have an 18 month old daughter together and I have two 9 year old twins from a previous marriage.

 

We are both Christians and take our faith very seriously. It is an important part of our relationship and how we raise our children and treat others. Every aspect of life.

 

Anyway, my fiance has serious chronic Lyme Disease. He is very sick for a lot of the time, but we deal. Everyone who knows him and has known him understands this is a huge part of his life (dealing, healing, etc.) A few days ago, a women he used to hang out with right before he met me - not an actual ex-girlfriend, but had attraction to and was definitely interested in (just never panned out back then) - FB messaged him telling she has been dealing with Lyme Disease and was asking him a bunch of questions relating to it. I thought it was a one-time deal, didn't think anything of it really. I am not normally a jealous person.

 

Well, days go by and I can't seem to get a nagging feeling out of my head. I've noticed over the past days a lot of FB notification sounds coming from his desktop. Nobody really communicates with him via FB so I knew it had to be her. For some reason, a rush of jealousy just overtook me and I couldn't help myself but to get on his phone and snoop. I've never, ever done this before with past relationships or with him. I was surprised I felt the need to do so. Anyway, I immediately see 2 new messages from her. Benign...Just asking about Lyme Disease and exercise and something else related to Lyme. Well, I decided to scroll up and check out just how much contact has been happening and if it was all about Lyme. Turns out, it was all about just Lyme - her asking how he knew he had it, how it felt, what he's doing about it, etc. Only ONE message upset me and stood out.....This morning: "Good morning Michelle, how are you feeling today sweetie?" For some reason, this ruffled my feathers immediately. It raised a red flag. Now...he does have a habit of calling people sweetie, hun, etc. However, I just feel it is more intentional when written. If it is said in word, I really don't mind it. To me, I feel even if he means nothing by it, it can potentially send a wrong signal to the woman.

 

Just as an aside, this woman is newly married and has a 20 month old daughter. Supposedly happily married (according to my fiance). Oh, and, this woman is in her upper 20's and my fiance is 20 years older than her...(My mom is rationalizing that he's calling her 'sweetie' because of the age difference...Like he does with myyounger sister, also in her upper 20's.) I am in my mid 30's, for contrast.

 

Anyway, once I saw the message, I confronted him immediately. I was visibly upset. I had to 'fess up to the snooping, which was tough, but I had to say something. He was really surprised that I took offense to that and said over and over that it isn't anything like that at all. He pointed out how he always speaks like that with friends or otherwise, what's the difference? He was angry I snooped as well because he thinks that is a huge breech of trust and wished I came to him with my concerns instead. (Though I told him he would have been upset and defensive, so I decided to decide for myself and take it into my own hands.) I do believe him; he has never EVER given me reason to believe he was a cheater. I knew I was probably over reacting, especially since the messages really were very platonic and friendly and seriously all about exactly what he told me to a T. (We were discussing once or twice the convo he had with her, details that were indeed true.) For whatever reason I hated he initiated a good morning message with her that involved calling her sweetie.

 

So, now, things are awkward. I feel guilty I did this. I feel like he looks at me differently. He is annoyed and hurt I took it upon myself to do this without asking. I see his point, even though I am still bothered by the terms of endearment. I told him I am not ok with it, but he never really said it would stop. I assume it would. Quite frankly I don't want him contacting her at all because of their past. Maybe that is too harsh. I don't know. There has always been something I don't feel comfortable about regarding her. Her looks, the way she carries herself (judging on FB), I just don't care for her being in his life given all these factors. Is it wrong of me to feel insecure or to ask him to please stop the daily messaging? It's been daily for a week. EVERY DAY. There's not terribly many messages, like 3 a day or so but it's enough for me. I don't jive with the constant, daily consistent communication with past ex's or past interests.

 

Please advise, what are your thoughts? Am I over reacting? Several friends seem to think so given the way my fiance is. He is faithful to the church and others, always trying to do right by people, very into my children from the previous marriage (their father abandoned them so he has taken over and they call him daddy), a hard worker and stands by his family, etc.

[S2B]

I don't see it as alarming given the circumstances. Glad you two talked about it.

 

Communication is key.

[smackie9]

I agree with your mom, your friends and your fiance....you are over reacting. Isn't jealous one of the seven sins? It takes control and destroys beautiful honest things like relationships, marriages and friendships. It hurts people, it ruins trust.

 

Your fiance is acting out of honest compassion. Endearment is part of being compassionate. He is just helping someone out of the goodness of his heart and his faith. Your behavior showed him you don't see him as the man he truly is. Gosh that is so damaging....and here you are still looking for confirmation that someone somewhere will see it through your green eyes.

[Space Ritual]

Well, the fact of the mater is that you really didn't have much in the way of proof in order to confront him over calling somebody sweetie, especially if, as you yourself point out,he uses that quite often.

 

So while I understand your suspicion, unless he was doing something like having his phone glued to his hand, or having it password protected from you, I would not have been so concerned.

 

Now you have reason to be concerned because you showed your hand with nothing but a pair of 2's in it.

 

In the future, it is better to wait to confront until you have concrete proof. You had nothing even resembling it, and it blew up in your face. Now he is hurt and will be more guarded with you. And that is not a good thing.

[vanhalenfan]

Thank you everyone for the feedback. I am very much regretting my actions and thoughts. I feel terrible. Now I have to rebuild broken trust in my relationship, which will be hard work but I am committed. He is hurt by my actions and I am hurt that I hurt him. I keep apologizing and vowed to never go behind his back and snoop again and if I have a concern, I will bring it to him. He accepted my apology, but it took a few days for him to say so. I feel so foolish for what I did.

[66Charger]

You can take this as a opportunity to discuss boundaries, since the two of you are getting married. You have hard boundaries, and thats a good thing. Take this opportunity to let your soon to be husband know, that in your marriage, you will hold these boundaries on your self also. Let him know that's how you want your marriage to be. Not with the snooping and mistrust, but with safe, solid boundaries. I dont see whats wrong with that.

 

You are getting married.

 

Go for walks and talk.

 

Have a easy, great, and honest marriage.

[HopeForTomorrow]

I'm sorry you and he are having to deal with Lymes disease. Not sure the previous posters realize what that really entails, but it is horrible. I hope he will be okay.

 

It's hard to know if you are over-reacting. If all you saw was communication re: Lymes disease then I would suggest that you give it the benefit of the doubt. Not sure "walks and talks", from a previous poster, would fix it (didn't for me, with the same guy) but continued communication and being together would be the optimal situation... if it's fixable. Keep the communication lines open. Best to you.