I need some advice . <UPDATED>

[D-503]

Hi all. There have been a few things that happened recently to make me question the entirety of my attitudes and behaviors.

I'm a strongly distrustful person. This is partly an inherited trait and partly one that grew with my environment. I however tried channeling this trait into doing things that will actually benefit others, but at the cost that I disregard others' emotions. I despise unexamined niceness and can be unpleasantly confrontational. (I have learned to be more accommodating so that others won't get upset, and therefore this trait is somewhat mitigated)

 

It just so happened that recently a girl I was friend with whom I was also trying to get close of, got raped (the definition is up to you guys to decide, but I chose this word on my own account.)

 

She called me up for a talk and said that she went to a friend's house whom she has only met twice for a drink and subsequently had sex. Now this is very normal and had it been any other friends I will ask them how did the sex go and did you have fun. However this time I further questioned her about the details and apparently no contraceptive was used and the person she had sex with proposed a long-distance relationship by texting, and was promptly rejected. The girl was baffled however. I recognized this as a "technic" and further questioned her about the specifics. Then I found out that she had only one glass of light drink (Smirnoff ice level) and was apparently "not able to move". She also commented on how "strong" men are, as an observational commentary to something new.

But what horrified me was not the appalling details of this incident. It was her reactions that really shocked me.

 

The entirety of her reactions were "ah I guess that was that." "He seemed like a good guy, you will know when you see him!" "I guess this is how it works in here and with the other girls."

 

You can probably gather by this point that this girl is not local. She really is a very unsuspecting person. I did spill some of my guts to her and I did get to know her stories.

 

I then decided to do something that I regret by this point.

 

Something snapped in me. Initially upon hearing her story I started shaking for about 2 minutes then started analyzing the situation for her. I tried to be thorough and analytical as usual but I was already very emotionally involved.

I decided to give her the supposed "shocking truths" in interpersonal relationships, because I thought that "no one else in her life would be willing to do something like this" (again getting very self-indulgent here). I became very venomous in my delivery and even told her about even my approaching her was not entirely innocent and was driven by her good looks and trusting nature. My delivery was also muddled with unnecessary details and words that can be misconstrued. But all of it were conflicting with her world view. I have also strongly advised for a full body check-up but she reacted nonchalantly.

 

Her reactions were squatting down at the spot first, then ran a big circle out and back. She still went onto the subway with me but with considerable distance this time. I did shock her.

 

I went home feeling great because of how stimulating that experience was, but at the same time horrible. I committed hypocrisy and maybe did more damage than good.

I have not seen her since. She did text me, wanting to see me again, but the meeting was delayed twice. She became distant. I started drinking for a few days and wrote some new things. This experience did make me more alive.

 

All of my past experiences seem to suggest to me one thing: I am not a pleasant person to be around. Especially once I start being myself, something that few can tolerate. However this time I have trouble accepting my ways again. I used to think that my valuing beneficial actions outweighs the "charming guys being nice". At least long-termly. But now it seems that my way leads to the middle of nowhere.

 

I want to know if I have done the right actions. And in the future how should I modify myself, if it is considered necessary and crucial to my engagement with other women?

If possible, do not believe my text, but rather gather my traits from between the lines. Thank you.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited May 19, 2016 by D-503
mistyped title

[preraph]

Well, though you didn't say, I'm assuming you are a male? How did it come to be that she confided her sex life with you, as a male? It's not unheard of, but it's a bit unusual, especially on a casual day to day basis.

 

First of all, it doesn't sound like she has good judgment. It does sound like he doped her drink or else gave her a drink that was much too strong for her. So it could be date rape.

 

Her reaction to it is denial, obviously. So I do understand why you're shaken and concerned.

 

I see nothing wrong with being blunt with someone under that circumstance, but your communication style, even here where you can measure your words, does have a ring to it like you're barely under control. I don't doubt that you began vomiting your thoughts at her, in other words. I don't doubt that since you are probably used to restraining yourself that it felt momentarily good. But you do realize it scares people.

 

She seems to tolerate a lot, as demonstrated by her date encounter and wanting to see him again. So maybe this is how you have kept her around, because she is too tolerant or even if you have not tested it, that you can tell it's true, as you sort of said in one of your comments about vulnerability.

 

Hopefully, she will run this encounter with the date by more than just you and get a similar reaction, though if she has chosen to act like it never happened, then she may eliminate those details next time. I don't know what I'd do as a woman if that happened to a friend of mine (I have been doped more than once when I was young myself), but I would be tempted to have a chat with the guy and straight up asked him if he doped her drink. Just to let him know someone was paying attention. Of course, if she'd bent on thinking this is Mr. Right, this will piss her off no end.

 

As for your communication issues and trouble reigning your thoughts in, you really should save up some money and go to a psychologist and have yourself thoroughly tested because it sounds like something that might be easily diagnosable. Whether it's as easily treated, I have no idea. But knowing exactly what it is might give you the tools to help control it. And I would just add that if you ever have urges that go beyond regurgitating words and push you more toward wanting to act out physically, you should definitely not put off seeing a psychologist and getting this thing classified and under control. There was just something about the way you described things that had a very predator/prey edge to it. And I think you are very self-aware and know what I'm talking about. But get help before it gets the better of you.

 

Good luck and keep us in the loop.

[scorpiogirl]

What I gather from reading between the lines, as you suggested, is that your venomous response was fuelled by the fact that you're interested in her, and probably she's not interested in you, since she felt comfortable enough telling you about a sexual encounter with another man.

 

It sounds as though she was slipped something but your reaction, had you truly wanted to help her, would have been far different.

It would have been sympathetic.

[Satu]

Unexamined niceness and unexamined venom...

 

It's so hard to choose between the two...

[D-503]

As for your communication issues and trouble reigning your thoughts in, you really should save up some money and go to a psychologist and have yourself thoroughly tested because it sounds like something that might be easily diagnosable. Whether it's as easily treated, I have no idea. But knowing exactly what it is might give you the tools to help control it. And I would just add that if you ever have urges that go beyond regurgitating words and push you more toward wanting to act out physically, you should definitely not put off seeing a psychologist and getting this thing classified and under control. There was just something about the way you described things that had a very predator/prey edge to it. And I think you are very self-aware and know what I'm talking about. But get help before it gets the better of you.

 

Good luck and keep us in the loop.

 

Thank you for commenting Preraph. I appreciate the thoughtfulness and your observations.

I have gone to the psychologist years back. I was a different person by then, but it basically resulted the psychologist yelling at me calling me a liar. I was trying to get a doctor's note for absence. I will take your advice and consider a potential psych-vetting (It's free in where I am, but results in poor work ethics)

As for acting out physically, I have never had the urge. I do have a tendency to make people uncomfortable for the lack of empathy I display when I use my words (I cannot be the judge of this, but I do think that I am very emotional, but manifested too defensively).

 

Thanks again for putting thoughts into this.

 

What I gather from reading between the lines, as you suggested, is that your venomous response was fuelled by the fact that you're interested in her, and probably she's not interested in you, since she felt comfortable enough telling you about a sexual encounter with another man.

 

It sounds as though she was slipped something but your reaction, had you truly wanted to help her, would have been far different.

It would have been sympathetic.

 

Thank you for commenting Scropiogirl. I think you have a solid point here. Part of why I became venomous was indeed fueled by my frustration of "not getting her". I felt strongly that I have lost a battle.

To sugarcoat it, it was the loss of something beautiful and unique, and the loss of my values. To be visceral about it, I didn't have the ****ing balls and some one else did.

And my controlling urge to transcend this ugly thought (as it is intolerable to me) probably painted my words with very strong intensity. I am no longer at the moment so I can't quite describe it, but I have seen this happening to me before and in fact constantly.

 

I did this the first time getting rejected by someone I really liked during University years (now referred here as "S"). It was a kind of one-time pity date after the initial rejection. Fast forward to the end, I basically reconfirmed the rejection with her(S), and I immediately "switched" my mode, brimming tears and overwhelming sadness became a sort of looming,morbid scientific curiosity.

 

My words were "I am curious to see how long this affection will last. A month? Two month? A Year? Three years? I want to see." , though much of it were probably just my defensive mechanism manifesting to protect my pride.

S of course, was fairly different, and was unfazed by my words. She gave an observational comment to me, very deadpan though moved by my passion that was muffled under my words.

She is one of the persons that I chose to talk to about the incident mentioned in the thread.

 

I want to be sympathetic very much, now that I have failed my task to be helpful.

------------------------------------------------------

She has cancelled the meeting we are supposed to have tomorrow, this is the third time in a row. I feel like acting proactively on this and conclude this.

[preraph]

Thank you for commenting Preraph. I appreciate the thoughtfulness and your observations.

I have gone to the psychologist years back. I was a different person by then, but it basically resulted the psychologist yelling at me calling me a liar. I was trying to get a doctor's note for absence. I will take your advice and consider a potential psych-vetting (It's free in where I am, but results in poor work ethics)

As for acting out physically, I have never had the urge. I do have a tendency to make people uncomfortable for the lack of empathy I display when I use my words (I cannot be the judge of this, but I do think that I am very emotional, but manifested too defensively).

 

Thanks again for putting thoughts into this.

 

I'm very glad to hear you're not having the urge to fight or whatever when things get tense. Wow, sounds like you got a bad psychologist. They are not supposed to just lose it and yell at you!! So please don't let that person keep you from seeing another. I don't like the ones that are too passive and just want you to yammer, because I can yammer to myself without paying them $175 an hour. So see if you can find a good recommendation to one next time.

 

Sounds like you may have trouble expressing empathy more than that you have a complete lack of it, or else you wouldn't care about helping this girl at all -- unless of course it is all self-serving, and only you would know that. But as long as you feel bad when someone is sad, be it your mother or your sibling or when something is hurt, like a pet, you at least have some empathy.

 

Good luck.

[D-503]

Hello all.

First of all thank you for all the advice and thoughts, I've come to like this forum and the people here more and more.

Here is the previous post:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/581668-i-need-some-advice

 

TD:LR previously: the girl confessed to me that she was drugged and had sex with some guy she met twice. I was then flabbergasted and said a bunch of things to hurt her but thought that I was saving her.

---------------

Following the previous post, a few weeks passed, and she suddenly called me out of the blue. We awkwardly exchanged a few words about each other's well-being and then arranged a meeting. Finally.

 

It went...very well, I think. The following is going to be verbose.

We went to a pretty run-down part of the town for a play, had dinner together at a very 90's sandwich shop with a permanently disgruntled old cook. Notwithstanding his disposition the cook treated us very well and didn't even count the drink money, by which I used later as part of my persuasive argument. I almost didn't hold my tears when he gave me the extra three slices of cucumbers.

 

We then waited till the play. And out of sheer stupidity, I had chosen a very heavy historical play with elements of guilt, murder and corrupting power in it. But I wanted the novelty and plus I just wanted to see the play.

She was of course, taken aback after the final scene of protagonist hanging herself, but it was nonetheless a refreshing experience for her, judging by her response with my clumsy sensor.

 

I gave her my jacket, escorted her home midway, then had a long talk in the park like the first time we've met.

The talk was a continuation of the previous event. This time I calmly analyzed why I said the things I said and listed some of the relevant psychological factors, including the fact that I liked her and the self-indulgence etc. All done in a matter-of-factly way. I've also tried to indoctrinate her about some outdated feminism stuff, again with some hues of self-indulgent saviour complex mixed within.

 

I used the old cook's story to imply that I've had her best interest in mind but would not use (and in fact do not possess) any charm to win her over. It was done in a very cryptic way so I don't know if I got it into her mind.

It ended in a somewhat heated discussion.

 

I escorted her to her apartment, and apparently she couldn't stand my stares anymore and started half-covering and half-waving in front of her face while saying "I may have started to like you". We then parted. It was mildly heart-beat inducing.

 

The trouble is that I didn't believe a word of what she said. Her personality and world view stands unchanged. If possible I'm looking to influence her little by little, and perhaps if I've failed it only stands to prove that some people are impossible to change or be changed at a certain stage. I have a gut feeling that there are certain lines of actions beyond her own control.

 

We are to meet continuously next. Our communication became frequent.

---------------

Perhaps there are signs for it to become a relationship? Maybe I'm simply thinking too much or too distrustful? I seek your wisdom people.

Edited June 12, 2016 by D-503

[MidwestUSA]

If you actually care about this girl, you have an odd way of showing it.

 

Is this some type of PUA tactic? What's with all the crypticness?

 

She's doesn't like you, I'd even go so far as to say she's afraid of you.

 

Leave her alone. Continue your therapy.

 

Three slices of cucumbers?

[D-503]

I don't think I'm capable of doing PUA tactics,but this is the way I think and how I write.

I certainly did not pressure her to go out with me, and judging by way she initiates I don't think she is afraid of me.

I can't be the judge about the therapy part.

And yes, three extra slices of cucumbers were put on my sandwich by the old cook afterwards. He treated us well.

Edit: to not be cryptic is to be vulgar about my intention. I dislike that.

Edited June 12, 2016 by D-503
mistyped title

[D-503]

Update:

We got together, kissed for 30 mins and therefore I assume that's a go.

Moving further questions to the next section of the fourm.