What are your thoughts on marriage in general?

[BlueIris]

I think marriage is great, valuable. I loved being married. But I love not being married too.

 

I don’t think that marriage is right for everyone. Some people are independent or don’t want to make that commitment. Some just don't have a primary romantic relationship as a top priority for their lives.

 

I even think that there are some people who are cut out for single parenting. I know a woman who adopted a little girl in the juvenile protection system and she is such a terrific mom and her daughter is just thriving. The woman is fully able to provide financially for both of them and she’s made the family that fits her.

[basil67]

I married once and divorced. It was so easy to get out of that I don't see the point in repeating it.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's not just a relationship; it's family. A child could move into our home and we could love and raise that child, but adoption still has meaning, doesn't it? For me, marriage is the same.

 

My marriage has been an incredible blessing for me, and I know that our kids benefit from the stability of our family.

 

Ironically enough, just to show my husband's FOO dysfunction, his maternal grandmother told him he was adopted by her for years.

 

Then she told him she never said that. Turns out he was never adopted by her. She told me the truth though when we were still just dating.

 

Unbelievable.

[CarrieT]

I got married at 19 to get out of my parents' house and was divorced by 24 when I found my husband having sex with other men.

 

My divorce cost me my business and more than six figures of debt to finally free myself from that man.

 

From my 24th through 48th year, I was dead-set against marriage. I had a handful of long-term relationships and always declined the idea of marriage. My longest relationship was from the age of 29 to 40 - ostensibly, my prime. But I knew in my gut that the guy I was with was not marriage material and not someone I was going to grow old with.

 

Then in my 48th year, I met a guy who was equally against marriage because he had already had three ex-wives and didn't want a fourth.

 

But for some reason, we both changed our outlook. It surprised both of us that we wanted to be more than boyfriend/girlfriend (especially at our age). He had pre-teen children and wanted to show them what a positive marriage could be. I surprised myself by wanting a family.

[AMarriedMan]

My views on marriage have changed quite a bit over the years. Having been married for 20 years and divorced 7 years ago, that might have something to do with why I see marriage through a different lens.

 

As I've said on here many times, marriage guarantees absolutely nothing.

 

Some people argue that being married makes you work harder at keeping your marriage. If that were true then why do 50% of marriages end in divorce? If that isn't enough to make you question things, just check out the countless threads on here alone about all the unhappy, unfulfilled and unfaithful marriages taking place right now.

 

Marriage alone doesn't make a relationship.

 

It takes two people, in love, committed to each other and each other's happiness, on the same page about all the important things in life, working at it continuously, for better or worse. You don't require a piece paper or a blessing from God to make that possible.

 

Despite how it looks, I'm not entirely opposed to marriage or even marrying again myself IF it felt right for the both of us. Love is love and you either want to be faithful and loving and supportive or you don't. Marriage has nothing to do with any of it.

 

I just really dislike when people act like marriage has some superpower that you just can't duplicate unless you marry.

 

:/

 

In theory, being married should motivate both partners try harder to get things back on track in case of hardship because of the public vows both partners have taken and all the legal hassle of divorce. In practice, too, the dissolution rate of common law marriages is somewhat higher than the divorce rate. Marriage works as intended in the sense that it functions as an additional barrier against ending the relationship. The purpose of the institution of marriage was always to protect the interests of the children by acting as a stick to motivate the parents to improve their co-operation rather than give up. Indeed, in decades and centuries past in generally much poorer times with no social safety nets existing like in most modern states, it was necessary for society to force husbands and wives to stay together almost no matter what. Even today, divorce may cause economic hardship and a weakening of support networks for the children, statistically resulting in various negative outcomes.

 

But as every marriage is indented to last for a lifetime, the current high divorce rate is an indication of the failure of the institution by its internal logic. For the higher earning spouse, usually the husband, a modern no-fault marriage is a huge financial risk. It is also a social and psychological risk with losing access to children being the biggest part of it.

[noelle303]

 

But as every marriage is indented to last for a lifetime, the current high divorce rate is an indication of the failure of the institution by its internal logic. For the higher earning spouse, usually the husband, a modern no-fault marriage is a huge financial risk. It is also a social and psychological risk with losing access to children being the biggest part of it.

 

But see, not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime. Why suddenly push it just because you're married?

[carhill]

For those of us who cited 'until death do us part' as part of our marriage vows, well, that kind of implies a lifetime. I understand that fewer folks do that kind of stuff these days. Probably more accurate and honest, statistically anyway.

[Lady Hamilton]

I think that what the previous poster means is that, statistically speaking, all relationships you enter into will end, excluding maybe one. So if you're in a relationship that wasn't destined to be that one that didn't end, why force it and prolong a relationship that isn't working simply because they're married.

[NTV]

I think that the OPTION to divorce without cause is a problem too. too many times people give up on a relationship, on working through the tough stuff and chop it up to 'we're incompatible'---well if that were true you probably would never have dated or married in the first place.

 

 

I don't think there's anyone 100% compatible with another.

 

 

If we look at each other as replaceable, eventually someone gets replaced.

 

 

Course, adultery used to be punishable by death, so there was a little bit bigger reason not to do it and try to build the marriage, and the ones that did do it often resolved the end of the marriage without needing a divorce.... Hard to submit a petition for divorce when you're stoned to death in the village square.

 

 

So I think far more relationships are meant to last a lifetime than the ones that actually do because the contraints that make us more willing to work on the marriage and relationship are lessened.

 

 

I also think that there are more external pressures on the marriage than earlier generations faced. Sure they likely had strong pressures, just not as many.

 

 

IDK, Just thinking outloud here.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wedding rings and men alone with their kids. When women see men alone with their kids doing Dad things, they go nuts.

 

During holiday breaks, my husband takes the kids down to a playground. He gets right in there and plays with the kids, he's not a "stare at your cellphone" kind of guy.

 

He gets so much attention from women for that, it's crazy.

 

I see that with my husband too.

 

He's really nuts about our kids and women definitely notice.

[GunslingerRoland]

Marriage is about creating a family, it doesn't have to have kids to be family, pets can be familiy or animals, even extended family in some cultures.

 

I think this nails it in a lot of ways for me. I see a lot of people talking about how they wouldn't get married if they weren't having kids, but I think family goes a lot deeper than that.

 

 

My wife's family is my family and visa versa now. This is also why I have such a hard time understanding when I hear people talking about their spouse's family as if they have no importance or role in their life.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think this nails it in a lot of ways for me. I see a lot of people talking about how they wouldn't get married if they weren't having kids, but I think family goes a lot deeper than that.

 

 

My wife's family is my family and visa versa now. This is also why I have such a hard time understanding when I hear people talking about their spouse's family as if they have no importance or role in their life.

 

I agree to this point but I want to also say that despite divorce, that family can still remain.

 

My ex and I were married for 20 years and our families got along ridiculously well! So well that my parents and his parents used to vacation together and we would celebrate all the holidays and special occasions together! My ex and I never had to worry about whose house we were going to this year etc. We literally were one gigantic extended family.

 

So when we decided to end the marriage, both valuing our respective families and wanting to preserve our family unity as best as we could while providing a good example for our children we have worked very hard to maintain that family structure even after the divorce.

 

It doesn't mean it wasn't all very sad and even awkward in the beginning but we've all come to this wonderful place where we still consider each other 'la familia', married or not. And for that, I'm extremely grateful.

Edited May 20, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[Pinkdisney]

I was married for 13 years (married at 28) and I truly love the concept of having a partner for life and building a family with that person. I dated my ex for years, had the catholic wedding, waited a few years to have children and we still managed to screw it up. I'm not saying i'm blameless in our demise however my ex had a series of EAs (I didn't know what it was called at the time) that put a real wedge into our relationship. He just didn't love me anymore and found himself in the arms of others.

 

I've been seeing my BF for close to 4 years and I really want to get married again. I will fully admit it's my goal and I don't feel bad about that at all. We do not live together (it's a borderline LDR) but it's time for him to sh*t or get off the pot and put a ring on it I will not go into my next marriage with rose colored glasses, my BF and I know each other very well and

because we're both mid-40's we don't have the same expectations many of those have mid-20's (separate finances, etc).

[MJJean]

I don't believe that one can be "all in" for the long haul without marriage. Marriage means taking responsibility for each other and the relationship legally as well as spiritually and socially. How sincere can a person be when they say they are totally committed and yet not want to be committed in all ways, including legal?

[devilish innocent]

But see, not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime. Why suddenly push it just because you're married?

 

I view being married as one of the signs that a couple ought to work harder on their relationship before giving up. That doesn't mean I think every marriage should be fought for, or that every dating/cohabiting shouldn't be fought for.

 

There's two reasons why I think marriage means you should take the relationship more seriously:

 

1) Generally speaking, if you're married it means you had been together for a while and felt confident about your relationship at one point. Obviously, there are exceptions. But if a relationship had reached a point where you felt marriage was the right step, then it's one sign that there might be something there that's worth salvaging.

 

2) Most people who get married enjoy having a wedding and enjoy being able to refer to their partner as their spouse. I think it's frivolous to rush into the fun parts of marriage if you're only going to walk away at the first sign of trouble. The same things that make marriage desirable are the things that mean one shouldn't take it lightly. Marriage still has a seriousness to it, which is what makes it special. But if divorce was taken lightly, then marriage would also lose a lot of it's meaning.

[dreamingoftigers]

I love being married.

 

When things were very bad, of course it felt like prison. But that doesn't change my overall perspective on it.

 

Should everyone get married? No. Lots of people can't even cope with dating, so really.....marriage doesn't seem to be for everyone.

 

I think marriage is like any team venture. It works well when everyone agrees on the terms, sticks with the terms and works through problems that come along the way.

 

But when team members get greedy, stop doing their part, stop listening, stop caring etc. that's when things go awry.

[seamos]

I was married and divorced twice before I was 26 yrs. old and I have had several LTR's that involved much more commitment and mutual love than either of those marriages.

 

My saying regarding marriage during much of my life has been "It all goes to hell once you get the law involved in something".

 

That has just been my personal experience and I don't mean to be disrespectful to anybody who has made marriage work for them.

 

At 42 yrs. I decided to get married for a third time (third time's a charm) but after the ceremony we discovered the pastor had forgotten to sign the marriage certificate. We discussed this and decided (due to a tax issue I won't get into) to just wait a while before getting the signature and making it legal... we're still waiting 8 yrs. later.

 

For us, having that legal piece of paper really isn't that important, esp. since we had the ceremony.

 

I also know two lesbian couples who have been devoted in their relationships for decades before marriage was even a legal option for them.

 

I don't think the legal aspect of marriage is really ever the main reason a relationship works or doesn't.

[noelle303]

Yeah, I guess I am just not a marriage person either, cause reading through some of the posts where people describe what marriage means to them, while their feelings absolutely valid, they just don't resonate with me.

 

It's really strange, because I was brought up by parents who have been happily married for over 30 years and still have a great relationship and partnership.

[MJJean]

My wife's family is my family and visa versa now. This is also why I have such a hard time understanding when I hear people talking about their spouse's family as if they have no importance or role in their life.

Depends on the family. My DH's family is spread out over 5 states. I've been with DH for 16 years, married for 13 of them, and I can honestly say I've seen his parents about 20 times. While I care for his family, we've never been really close to them. DH talks to his mom regularly, but his family really doesn't have much of a role in our lives.

 

Thinking more about it, my family isn't much different. My mom passed 20 years ago, my step-dad remarried, he and my siblings live over an hour away, and we see each other maybe 2 times a year on average. Probably because my siblings are 8 and 10 years younger than I am and we are very different. We care about each other, but we aren't close as we don't have much in common other than DNA and some shared childhood memories. My family doesn't have much of a role in our lives, either.

 

The closest family DH and I have is each other.

 

Yeah, I guess I am just not a marriage person either, cause reading through some of the posts where people describe what marriage means to them, while their feelings absolutely valid, they just don't resonate with me.

 

It's really strange, because I was brought up by parents who have been happily married for over 30 years and still have a great relationship and partnership.

 

And I, who very much values marriage, was raised by parents who never married. Well, not each other, anyways. My mom was married, but legally separated, when she came back to her home state and conceived me with a man who was also married, but not separated. Mom never did get a legal divorce, mostly because she couldn't find the man. My bio-dad stayed with his wife.

 

When I was 4, Mom met Dad and they stated together in a committed relationship until her death 18 years later.

 

If anyone should say "Pfft!" to marriage as just a piece of paper, it should be me. Yet I find I very much value the institution.

[RedBaron2765]

Been married almost 15 years now, and I wish I was still single. I never dated much, and my wife seemed to be into me. Looking back now, I wish I had known that she had depression issues, that her sister was (and is) a royal PITA, and that she's very insecure. Been much easier to stay single and not deal with her nagging and worrying about going broke because she thinks that our backyard holds unlimited $.

[SolG]

I think monogamous marriage is one expression of commitment. Not the only, or necessarily the most suitable/best for all. The best form of commitment is the type that works for the people in the relationship; doesn't really matter the form.

 

Where I live, once you've lived with someone for a period of time, in the eyes of the law you are for all intents and purposes 'married'. And if you want to fast track the process you just register the relationship:

 

Relationship register

 

Marriage in the traditional sense doesn't have the monopoly in terms of legal recognition and commitment.

 

So what do I think of marriage? It's an option amongst a myriad of options. I think it behoves everyone in a R that they want to transition into an 'official' and public type of commitment should choose the right option for them as opposed to defaulting to a particular model just because. Be informed, know thyself, choose what's right for you.