Decisions, expectations of others, when the time comes to have children.

[whichwayisup]

I'm 34, common law married for nearly 12 years now. I always thought at some point in my life I'd really want to have children. It's the way of life right? Growing up I would say "one day when I'm a mom..." Well, I still feel that way. My husband is fine with whatever I want. Seriously, he has no preference either way, I think I'm lucky, I don't feel any pressure from him.

 

The thing is, my biological clock has not started ticking...Yet...I have NO clue if it ever will! I have nieces and nephews, I adore them and am a big part of their lives. Right now, that's enough for me. I love them like my own.

 

I know I'd be a great mother, just not sure if I really want to be. There's guilt tied into this as well, the pressures of friends and some family members who constantly ask and push me about having children.

 

Sometimes I think I'm just meant to be an "Aunt", not someone's mom. Hey, I don't even know if I can conceive or if my husband is able to produce healthy sperm.

 

What gets me, is recently I had a conversation with a cousin, who drilled me into why I don't have kids yet. I blurted out, "I'm not sure if I want them." I got called "selfish" and asked "how could I NOT want to have kids!" WTF! I know I am not going to "have" kids just for the sake of having them. A kid right now will not fix my anxiety disorder...Maybe a baby will distract me, maybe a baby COULD help me make further progress, but it definately won't fix the problem! IF I ever do decide to have a child, I want to be ready, I want to know I can be there 100%, be able to function daily, to be able to jump in the car and GO - No fears, just DO! No way am I gonna let a child down because of the way I am now.

 

Anyone else relate to this? I know I am on the right path, but there is always that big "what if" I am making the wrong choice by NOT having kids...Or is that my brain saying that? My gut most of the time is at peace about me NOT having kids -Right now anyway.

 

Thoughts?

[whichwayisup]

Nobody replied to my post...

 

I guess it was more thoughts than really a 'question' to be answered.

 

[Jolene]

DO NOT...

 

Have a baby unless you want it like a breath of air when drowning. If your husband is wishy washy, then it's a double whammy!

 

Let me tell you from experience....unless you really know what it's like to have no freedom, very little or no "me" time, serious lack of sleep, little or no privacy (and that includes having sex later down the road), and generally being disappointed that your friends and family are not offering as much support to babysit as you would have expected.....don't do it!

 

Your life will literally revolve around that baby, and so you need to carefully decide if your body, relationship, your career and your sanity can handle it!!! Otherwise, you will struggle with resentment or some other form of dysfunction surrounding the circumstances.

 

Don't get me wrong, people have a way of adapting to their situations. But you should consider as well that couples only find out when it's too late that they have very conflicting views about how to raise children and that can cause people to "fall out of love" etc. etc. etc.

 

Just be careful! Don't do it unless you really really want it!!!!! Do it for the right reasons, as well. Cause your life is OVER once the new life comes into the world. My son is 6 and up until recently, there was no such thing as sleeping in on the weekends. You cannot leave children unattended, especially in the bathtub. It's all about being there....literally being there!!!! Some people hire a nanny, but parental supervision and attention is better.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for your post.

 

I do know how much energy is involved, and how much my life is more or less over - Well, lol, life as I know it.

 

I know alot about taking care of kids cuz I have 3 nephews, 2 nieces and tons of friends who have kids, I live in a neighbourhood filled with little one's too. LOL, I know not to leave a child unattended in the bath.

 

My husband isn't "wishy washy" about this. He's just as scared as I am, but he is fine with whatever decision I make. IF I want to have children, he is OK with that, If not, he's okay with that too. I don't see that as a negative thing at all actually.

 

If I did have children I would not hire a nanny. I want to bring this child up and also, I'm very lucky to have a supporting close family and they would help as much as necessary.

 

I guess I'm still not feeling the desire to have them and that's okay. It's just weird how so many people say, WHAT? You may not want to have kids??? Stuff like that. I know myself and if it doesn't feel right, I'm not stupid enough to bring a child into my life, hoping that would make it better. Just make it harder and different! But different in a good way.

[Jolene]

 

You sound very mature and responsible.

 

My sister is 37 and would make a wonderful mother. She has a great career, too, that would allow her the right kind of flexibility to be a mother and still make great bucks. She's loaded!!! lol

 

But like you, she doesn't have that urge for whatever reason and this is her second marriage. Her first husband harboured a lot of resentment, because he thought she would change her mind about having kids.

 

We see it more and more these days with new expectations and demands on the working family. It's not for everyone. That's perfectly okay. You are lucky that your husband loves you so much that you have the option of deciding. That's nice.

 

~good luck!!

[whichwayisup]

It's funny, I have a friend who says DO IT, it will change you for life, for the better. You'll LOVE all the great things you get from being a mom. I'm thinking, yeah right! 80% is good but 20% is bad, but the bad is really really BAD and can change and do a 180 anytime. Forget that. HEHEHE, I say, it's great that the kids come for a long weekend sleepover, but then eventually they go home!

 

I somehow think too, that if I was told I couldn't have kids, it would not devistate me.

 

Thanks for your post again!

[Opium]

Having a child is a blessing in so many ways but it is a big responsibility. If you're not ready in heart to have a family of your own, that should be between you and your husband. Having an anxiety disorder probably comes into play about this matter because the though of having a child might give you an attack, which isn't good.

 

If and when you're ready, you'll know. Now a days woman are having babies in their early 40's, so take your time and that's all you can do. Your family just wants you to have the same blessings they have when they had their children. A love for a child is so pure and can only be felt by a mother. One day when you're ready, you'll have that love but don't have a child to neglect it for your health.

 

I wish you luck in this because it's hard, hard to make a decision that society has made us think that woman are "suppose" to have kids, which isn't always the case.

[whichwayisup]

Opium, thanks!

 

Sometimes too, I'm not sure if it's the anxiety disorder that I have talking, and then once I get even better with this thing, then maybe those feelings and wanting to have the responsibility may come find me! I don't know! All I know is NOW is not the right time. My gut screams it.

 

My H and I have even discussed him getting the V, but I am not ready to close the door completely, so that's on hold.

 

It is a tough choice, either way and you're right, women are "supposed" to have children. If I actually choose not to have a child, I'm thinking of just telling people that I couldn't conceive. It's just so much easier than having all the "WELL WHY don't you want to have children etc..." Not that it's anyone's business anyway, and I shouldn't care what others think. Just hard at times not to!

[Opium]

I just think it's better for you to be sure than be one of these mothers that mistreat their children because they never really wanted them in the first place.

 

You seem to have a good heart and know that having a child is difficult but if it's one thing I do tell you, like you said, don't close your doors yet. Hopefully you'll get better with your anxiety and calm down. If your gut feeling is telling you to wait, wait.

I don't think you "not" having kids is selfish, on the contrary I think it's very brave of you to realize maybe you're not cut out for that job.

 

You just need to fix your health before you try to bring another life into this world, you can't be sick and take a care of a child, it's emotionaly and physically hard. It takes toll on you, trust me I don't have kids but just like you I have nephews and nieces. Don't let anyone put you down, in the end the decision is yours, plus it's your body and your life, all you have to worry about is your husband. As I can see he's being very supportive.

[Pocky]

There have been a few threads a while back, months I think, where the discussion of children and who/why people didn't want them. I've been told I was selfish for not wanting children - I honestly don't know what's selfish about it. I consider it rather responsible on my part instead of having a child just to have a child and then not really wanting to invest the time and energy into raising that child.

 

My niece is named after me and I adore her, but when I'm with her the attraction to having my own child is very little. I'm not interested in raising a child and I don't know that I see the relationship with "mom" as the most influential - probably because I didn't have an extremely close relationship with my mother as I was growing up.

 

I was rebellious and I had an aunt that I talked to for just about everything. I'd rather be that aunt. I'd rather my niece be honest with me because she's not afraid and I treat her like an adult than to be a mom that's always wondering what's going on with my child.

 

I can't wait until she's older - she's two now and she's adorable, but give me an eighteen year old girl searching the world for the meaning of her life instead! I can't wait!

[Naive]

I don't know how I missed this thread For some reason I thought you had kids WWIU. Since I've been here I just imagined you as a mom....WEIRD!!!!!

[Debster]

Some people want children and others don't.

It's a personal thing and as long as you are happy with that decision, then that is all that matters!

If someone asks again, tell them that you are barren. That'll show them! I'm on the other side of the situation in that we're trying and I'm so sick of people asking if we're pregnant. I want it so bad but I'm sick of being reminded that it hasn't worked so far. Next time, I'm going to say that we just had a miscarriage to shut people up!

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by Pocky

There have been a few threads a while back, months I think, where the discussion of children and who/why people didn't want them. I've been told I was selfish for not wanting children - I honestly don't know what's selfish about it. I consider it rather responsible on my part instead of having a child just to have a child and then not really wanting to invest the time and energy into raising that child.

 

My niece is named after me and I adore her, but when I'm with her the attraction to having my own child is very little. I'm not interested in raising a child and I don't know that I see the relationship with "mom" as the most influential - probably because I didn't have an extremely close relationship with my mother as I was growing up.

 

I was rebellious and I had an aunt that I talked to for just about everything. I'd rather be that aunt. I'd rather my niece be honest with me because she's not afraid and I treat her like an adult than to be a mom that's always wondering what's going on with my child.

 

I can't wait until she's older - she's two now and she's adorable, but give me an eighteen year old girl searching the world for the meaning of her life instead! I can't wait!

 

Man, are you in my head or what Pocky!! LOL! I know exactly what you mean. I was in the room when my first niece was born, holding up my sister's leg, so I was "right" there practically! We have a really special connection. I love both my nieces and ofcourse my nephews too, but this girl is MINI ME! She's alot like me it's scary and we're extremely close.

 

I always want them to come to me for help, for fun times, anything - Having that, being a wonderful aunt, yet not having that constant worry parents have about their kids...

 

Originally posted by ~Naive~

I don't know how I missed this thread For some reason I thought you had kids WWIU. Since I've been here I just imagined you as a mom....WEIRD!!!!!

 

LOL. Thanks! I know I'd be a great mom, giving and all. Just don't want to! I think that is why people think it's selfish, to not want to have kids and have that responsibility.

 

If someone asks again, tell them that you are barren. That'll show them!

 

LOL that's funny! I'll try that, just to shut them up and see the looks on the faces!

 

I'm on the other side of the situation in that we're trying and I'm so sick of people asking if we're pregnant. I want it so bad but I'm sick of being reminded that it hasn't worked so far. Next time, I'm going to say that we just had a miscarriage to shut people up!

 

Well, I do hope you DO get pregnant soon. No advice here on that one, maybe, the power of positive thinking and really wishing something so bad you get it!

 

Hahaha, would be worth seeing the expressions on their faces if you did tell them that. Atleast that would buy you some time so they wouldn't ask for a long time!

[friskywife]

Just to give you another tale of having a kid.

 

I have an almost 2 yr old who was a preemie. I absolutely him! He was not planned, but I think that he was "meant" to be for us. I honestly didn't think we could get preggers, but a year off of birth control, and just 3 mos after our wedding Voila!!

 

I love having one kid. I had a brother, step brothers and a half sister. My hubby is basically an only child.

 

Since my son and I almost died right before delivery, and there is the 30% chance (on top of the norm) that it could happen again, I think we are good to go with just one. There are those people "Oh! You'll have another one!" Even telling them that trying to have another one and possibly leaving my precious boy without a mom is NOT a possibility, they STILL argue with you!! It amazes me how friends and even family will be so insensitive sometimes! I have even said that if you guys are willing to pay off my son's hospital, dr, home medical equipment bills and do the same for the next one and maybe even a bigger house, we will most certainly try!!! (my hubby loves the practice )

 

It is great and there is nothing like it, BUT my life has changed dramatically. I was on my way to a new career and a newlywed. Now we have bills that we never dreamed of having, even during the pregnancy. Day care was not an option after bringing home a less than 5 pound baby on oxygen and heart monitor at the beginnning of winter and being in isolation for so long. Not being able to see people or getting out was very difficult. You had to be harsh to people, with thier evil germs!!

 

I don't think its selfish at all, I commend you for not "giving in" to John Q. Public!

[Jade30]

I love other peoples children. I love being an aunt aunt to all the children out there! My mom and 97 year old granny have been pressuring me to have a kid of my own for the last 3 years but I highly doubt I will ever have a child of my own. I am happy being an aunt and a step-mom.

 

I love other peoples kids.