Potential violence in future?

[Boots87]

Hi everyone, just wanting to get an outside perspective from you helpful people!

 

I have been married to my husband for 20 months, together for 4 years. I love him and am generally happy with him, but there are a couple of issues that are ongoing.

 

The problem is he has a temper, and when we fight, I find he is very disrespectful. I personally believe that there should be no name calling or hurtful insults, and nothing physical at all.

 

He has called me names on multiple occasions, and more recently a f-ing idiot, and said that he doesn't know why he married me.

 

He also breaks and punches things when he is angry.

 

He has grabbed me by the front of my shirt a few times now and pushed me backward forcefully, and pushed me down onto the floor and sat on top of me while yelling at me. There was also an argument in the car where he grabbed me by my hair and shoved my head down towards the floor.

 

It frustrates me because I never call him names or touch him, no matter how angry I am. If he had done any of the above while we were dating, it would have been a definite dealbreaker.

 

Not really sure what to do, I feel like I should leave, but the fights aren't all that often and things are good most of the time.

 

I'm mostly worried that it will get worse, and he will start to get violent and actually hit me. Does this sort of behavior usually escalate into hitting/punching etc? I don't want our son to grow up thinking that is normal behavior.

 

Any opinions and advice are much appreciated.

Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[minimariah]

Does this sort of behavior usually escalate into hitting/punching etc? I don't want our son to grow up thinking that is normal behavior.

 

yes. he's already abusing you.

 

you can try to talk it out and suggest some kind of therapy for his anger issues but... make a strong plan to escape. take this seriously, find a strong support system and make sure you have a place to be safe when you'll leave. if you're going to leave, then tell about the abuse on the court and ask for psych evaluation of the husband + supervised visitations for the son.

[mrldii]

"Potential violence in the future?"

 

...I'm mostly worried that it will get worse, and he will start to get violent...

 

Yes, it will get worse and yes he already is violent, so, no...there is no "potential violence in the future"; the future has arrived.

 

No, it is not good for your child - male or female - to see it/be around it.

 

 

I'd get out, with no intentions of going back. When and if he gets effective anger-management counseling and he has resolved his anger issues, I'd consider going to joint-counseling with the possibility that we may get back together.

 

In the meantime, I'd get on with my life, without him.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[CarrieT]

Not really sure what to do, I feel like I should leave, but the fights aren't all that often and things are good most of the time.

Listen to your gut.

 

I'm mostly worried that it will get worse, and he will start to get violent and actually hit me. Does this sort of behavior usually escalate into hitting/punching etc? I don't want our son to grow up thinking that is normal behavior.

Yes, your fears are very founded and it is commendable that you don't want your child raised in this atmosphere. He has already crossed the boundaries and you ARE being abused. Please try and get out now, before he causes more physical damage!

[xxoo]

Your post is very concerning. The times that he's put his hands on you in anger-- pushing, shoving, sitting on you--are already examples of violence.

 

Yes, it could escalate and probably will. Even if it doesn't, he is currently abusing you.

 

Please listen to your gut. It's not comforting that he's only violent sometimes. Any violence in the home is destructive.

[Poppyolive]

It is more than violent enough, already. What next? He hits you, ahh, but it was just once and on the side of your head...you are already downplaying what his is doing to you. Who on earth sits on someone while yelling? My gawd. Degrading, disrespectful, abusive, controlling... there must of been some signs before marrying? Surely!

 

I understand it's confusing seeing someone respond like this in anger, especially if you have your emotions/feelings in check, but, I can assure you, it always gets worse. On your "good days" is he sorry, upset, apologetic, promising change etc?

 

I'm very sad for you. I really hope you make escape plans, reach out for help. Have you told family/friends?

 

You don't deserve this treatment, no matter how fierce your arguments are.

 

And your son does not deserve to see his mom treated like this, what example is your husband setting?

[Boots87]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Its funny, before I met him if someone I cared about had someone doing this sort of thing to them, I would be telling her the exact things you are all saying. I guess I thought that since it doesn't happen very often I could just put up with it.

 

Since having my son though, (he is only 6 weeks old) I have realised that it isn't just me that it will affect any more, and I am feeling more and more like we need to go. My son is the most important thing to me.

 

My only concern with leaving though is custody - I know he will fight me all the way, possibly even try to get full custody. His mother is a family lawyer, she has a lot of money to spend on good attorneys etc, and I know they will go to extreme lengths. I'm worried they will make me look bad to get custody.

 

There are obviously financial issues with leaving as well, but I am not too concerned about that - I will find a way to make it work!

[Boots87]

Sorry Poppyolive, I just realised I didn't answer your questions.

 

I guess there were signs before we were married. He had started throwing and breaking things, but hadn't yet touched me. None of my family or friends like him either - I guess I should have listened!

 

He used to feel bad and apologize after, and try to make it up to me by giving me gifts etc. Not any more. He doesn't even apologize unless I bring up the subject.

 

I have told my brother, he thinks I should never have married him and that I should leave. I don't have any of my own friends any more really, the only ones I have are my husbands friends as well so I can't talk to them.

[youdunsay]

The problem is he has a temper, and when we fight, I find he is very disrespectful.

 

There was also an argument in the car where he grabbed me by my hair and shoved my head down towards the floor.

.

 

This, is worrisome. People only commonsensibly fight this way when confronted with burglars.

[Lady Hamilton]

I'd say your chances at "potential" further violence is about zero, only because what you're dealing with now is ACTUAL violence and abuse.

 

"Potential" implies it could escalate to a level above where you're at now, but since thats where you're at now, the question you should ask is "Potential Death and/or Serious Bodily Harm From Violent Husband?"

 

The answer to that is, of course, yes.

 

Since you have a small child, you need to start informing the police of these attacks so they are documented and/or reach out to a women's shelter who can help you with an exit for you and your son that is both legal, doesn't damage your court case for custody, and gets you out of danger. The police can help with that too and there are apps that can discretely call 911 for you if need be. If you have bruises and such now, you can go and at least file a report and get photographed.

 

His mother could have all the money in the world, but that doesn't litigate away abuse. As long as what you're doing is on the up and up (not an alcoholic, drug abuser, abusing him, active criminal lifestyle or past criminal conduct), it would be really hard to have proven abuse on you result in you losing custody to the abuser.

[Poppyolive]

Congratulations on the birth of your son. This is a very time. I'm sorry you're going through this. My heart aches for you. As the last poster said, document everything, involve the police, contact a woman's shelter for advice, support.

 

It sounds like classic abuser, sweetening you up after the event with apologies and gifts, now that he has you (married and with kid) he can do as he pleases and not even entertain apologising or make it up to you. This shows he has zero care for you. And himself. He sounds like a sick man. And very scary. Start planning your escape route.

 

Just out of interestwhat, types of arguments do you have? What makes him tick? How do you feel during and after? When you have "good days" what are those like?

[Boots87]

Our arguments are usually over something minor, just something we disagree on I guess. I honestly cant remember what most of them have been about, except for a few.

 

I don't feel scared when we fight. I don't think he would ever really hurt me. I do feel like my self esteem is suffering though, he has called me a bitch so many times now I'm starting to believe it.

 

I think his upbringing and family situation have a lot to do with the way he is, as well as his dependence in alcohol. I believe he is what would be called a functioning alcoholic. Although he isn't that bad (as in he doesn't start drinking early in the day like his father) I still think it is a problem, and he has told me in the past he thinks it is too.

 

The thing I hate most is that I have always thought that this sort of thing is wrong, it has always been something I have felt very strongly about. I am losing more and more respect for him.

 

Having said that, there are a lot of good things about him as well, and I myself have plenty of faults. I feel awful for just posting all the negative things about him when I know there are so many good things as well, I dont want to make him look worse than he really is. And I'm sure I do sometimes push him to the point of doing these things, like I said I'm far from perfect.

[Buddhist]

Our arguments are usually over something minor, just something we disagree on I guess. I honestly cant remember what most of them have been about,

 

And I'm sure I do sometimes push him to the point of doing these things, like I said I'm far from perfect.

 

Now that I've removed all the white noise from your post can you not see what everyone here is seeing?

[Mr. Lucky]

If he had done any of the above while we were dating, it would have been a definite dealbreaker.

 

I'd think your emphasis would be just the opposite, having this happen while married would be the dealbreaker. We've made a clear commitment to love and honor our spouse, not sure how one could discredit that bond more completely than your husband has.

 

I don't think he would ever really hurt me.

 

Perhaps not intentionally. But what happens if, one of these times he pushes you, you hit your head or break your wrist, injuries that might affect your ability to care for your child?

 

You and your child are in a dangerous situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Boots87]

Now that I've removed all the white noise from your post can you not see what everyone here is seeing?

 

Yes I think I do see it - just in denial I guess!!

[AMarriedMan]

I'd say your chances at "potential" further violence is about zero, only because what you're dealing with now is ACTUAL violence and abuse.

 

"Potential" implies it could escalate to a level above where you're at now, but since thats where you're at now, the question you should ask is "Potential Death and/or Serious Bodily Harm From Violent Husband?"

 

The answer to that is, of course, yes.

 

Since you have a small child, you need to start informing the police of these attacks so they are documented and/or reach out to a women's shelter who can help you with an exit for you and your son that is both legal, doesn't damage your court case for custody, and gets you out of danger. The police can help with that too and there are apps that can discretely call 911 for you if need be. If you have bruises and such now, you can go and at least file a report and get photographed.

 

His mother could have all the money in the world, but that doesn't litigate away abuse. As long as what you're doing is on the up and up (not an alcoholic, drug abuser, abusing him, active criminal lifestyle or past criminal conduct), it would be really hard to have proven abuse on you result in you losing custody to the abuser.

 

I think OP needs to get out ASAP. She should work out a plan to escape with the baby and execute it. Child protection services do not look kindly on people who stay in relationships with serious abusers. Plan your escape and collect evidence. Talk to a lawyer. Enlist trusted friends and family as help. It is considered the responsibility of a parent to remove themselves and the children from situations that may cause serious harm to the children.

[bathtub-row]

You can rationalize this in a thousand different ways but just understand that while you stay, you're saying "yes" to this abuse. And this is exactly what turns women into victims. Over-thinking, "but I love him", we have a child -- blah, blah, blah.

 

Take away all of the outside factors -- the marriage license, the kid, the place you live, the world's opinions -- and what are you left with? You're left with a man who abuses you. You will be raising your child in this environment. Ask yourself what self-respecting person would stay one minute longer?

 

Btw, you already answered the question yourself. If he had done this while you were dating, you would've left. Do you think it's a coincidence that this started shortly after marriage? And I can save you the suspense, abusers don't change.

[noelle303]

I am so sorry this is happening to you and even more sorry that his actions made you believe that you are somehow responsible for bringing this on to yourself.

 

No matter what you do, you never deserve to be degraded like that - sitting on top of you, pulling your hair, pushing you etc. Maybe he isn't doing that to physically harm you, but he is certainly doing it to humiliate you and control you.

 

Do you want to see your son doing that to someone when he gets older? Because chances are that if he grows up seeing that type of behavior, he is most likely to emulate it.

 

Document his alcoholism, document the abuse, surround yourself with family and close friends and confide in them. Start making an escape plan and file for a TRO. You will have a very good chance at custody for your son.

 

And don't for a second blame yourself, you seem like a person who really respects others and wouldn't put your hands on anyone or call them names. Now it's time to respect yourself and know that you are worth more than some man calling you names and pounding on you.

Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[mikeylo]

Yeah, its happening now ! Take action now before its late.

[elaine567]

 

Having said that, there are a lot of good things about him as well, and I myself have plenty of faults. I feel awful for just posting all the negative things about him when I know there are so many good things as well, I dont want to make him look worse than he really is. And I'm sure I do sometimes push him to the point of doing these things, like I said I'm far from perfect.

 

Abusers are never nasty 24/7, they always have good points, if they were nasty 24/7 then it would be so easy for their victims to walk away.

BUT abusers don't want you to walk away they want to abuse and control you and if that means sometimes being nice to you to keep you on board, then that is what they will do.

That is why so many people will choose to stay, they put up with just about anything, as the times the abuser was good, outweighs the nasty stuff.

He is not a "good" man sometimes being "bad", he is essentially a "bad" man, sometimes being "good".

 

YOU have a child, your husband sometimes loses control of his temper, he is also an alcoholic, it is not a good mix.

Too many little kids get caught up in the abuse too, your baby will already sense the stress you are under, that is not good for a child's development, and your son is at risk from your husband's anger too.

Please get out, if not for your sake, for your child's.

[noelle303]

That is why so many people will choose to stay, they put up with just about anything, as the times the abuser was good, outweighs the nasty stuff.

He is not a "good" man sometimes being "bad", he is essentially a "bad" man, sometimes being "good".

 

Agreed. And precisely because of how bad he treats you, it makes you idealize the times when he is not behaving that way and you think they are great and worth the bad times. They are not. There are men out there who will truly love you and even on your worst day, would never lay a hand on you. Only then you will understand what it means to actually have good times.

[sandylee1]

You weren't born to tolerate his abuse which will only escalate. He sat on you.... pushed you ... calls you names.... he'd have been my XH by now with all that.

 

He's a bully and you need to make his violence a dealbreaker. OR... issue him with a final warning. 'The next time you lay a hand on me in any kind of aggressive/violent way. This marriage is over and I'll call the police'

 

So if he does it .... you know that he knows what will happen. You have to follow through though. It doesn't mean you leave the house that day ... but your heart isn't in.

 

If nothing else have an emergency bag packed... so you can leave that night with your baby.

Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Lois_Griffin]

If he had done any of the above while we were dating, it would have been a definite dealbreaker.

Let me get this straight.

 

Just because you married this abusive guy, being called horribly abusive things, being pushed around and forced down and sat on and thrown around ISN'T a deal breaker?

 

Is that what you're saying?

[Lois_Griffin]

Our arguments are usually over something minor, just something we disagree on I guess. I honestly cant remember what most of them have been about, except for a few.

 

I don't feel scared when we fight. I don't think he would ever really hurt me. I do feel like my self esteem is suffering though, he has called me a bitch so many times now I'm starting to believe it.

 

I think his upbringing and family situation have a lot to do with the way he is, as well as his dependence in alcohol. I believe he is what would be called a functioning alcoholic. Although he isn't that bad (as in he doesn't start drinking early in the day like his father) I still think it is a problem, and he has told me in the past he thinks it is too.

 

The thing I hate most is that I have always thought that this sort of thing is wrong, it has always been something I have felt very strongly about. I am losing more and more respect for him.

 

Having said that, there are a lot of good things about him as well, and I myself have plenty of faults. I feel awful for just posting all the negative things about him when I know there are so many good things as well, I dont want to make him look worse than he really is. And I'm sure I do sometimes push him to the point of doing these things, like I said I'm far from perfect.

You sound like EVERY abused woman before you.

 

Defending him, making excuses for him, feeling bad that you 'ratted' the abusive bas*tard out on this board, making a million excuses for why he is the way he is, blaming YOURSELF for 'pushing' him into it, and trying to convince yourself that maybe this situation isn't as revolting as it seems.

 

I'm assuming all the time this 'functioning alcoholic' has actually spent caring for your newborn son can be counted in minutes. I'd find it extremely hard to believe that he'd even be capable of caring for a newborn in a 50/50 custody split or every other weekend scenario - unless he got a woman to do it for him. Of course, she'd have to hang around and put up with his physical bullying, so that might narrow the pool down some.

 

GET A PAPER TRAIL. You should have been calling the cops every time this loser put his hands on you. A PAPER trail would go very far in heavily leaning the scales toward you in a child custody battle.

 

Get smart. Get your ducks in a row.

[jen1447]

My only concern with leaving though is custody - I know he will fight me all the way, possibly even try to get full custody. His mother is a family lawyer, she has a lot of money to spend on good attorneys etc, and I know they will go to extreme lengths. I'm worried they will make me look bad to get custody.

 

It what ways could they make you look bad? (Do you associate with known felons, drug abusers, etc.?)