Potential violence in future?

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes I think I do see it - just in denial I guess!!

 

Also, if you think his anger and abuse would never be turned on your child, I'll just say this - I bet you thought the same at one point of his treatment of you, eh?

 

How did that play out?

 

Mr. Lucky

[tojaz]

Boots, Years ago I had a friend that was going through what you are. So similar that this tread was very much like I had been reading one of our old conversations. That story did not have a happy ending.

 

Find a way to get out and take it. if that sparks something in him to better himself, then great, but he will have to do that for himself and I wouldn't even consider going bad until he has had help from a counselor (one that you have met and shared sessions with, don't just take his word).

 

While you are preparing to leave, if things become physically abusive again CALL THE POLICE. Pressing charges is up to you, but get something on file that this has happened.

 

At the very least, look into programs for help in your area that can help should this end in divorce, they can help with the legal issues and questions about custody so you are informed and are a great place for advice and support.

 

TOJAZ

[66Charger]

There are men who will hit a woman and men who never would. Your husband has and will. Most, myself included, think you need to leave....yesterday. If you chose to stay with him, you have to put a stop to this immediately. Disclose. Get into a pattern of leaving. When it starts as verbal, leave, even if you leave the next day. If he puts his hands on you, make the call, and put him behind bars. This will end any possiblity of him having full custody. This should not be a question. This isnt about who he is, its about how you want your life to be. It makes no difference how nice he is at times. He is one of "those" guys. You are wasting your time on a unworthy.

[Whoknew30]

My H hit me one time, we were young & had been drinking. I had him removed by the police & kicked him out for 3 months. He had to go to counseling & prove he was willing to change himself. Before I allowed him back, we had a family meeting with my family & his. I told them all, if he so much ever touches me in the wrong way again, it's absolutely done & I don't want anyone to say anything. That's was over 15 years ago & he won't as so much even stand next to me if we're arguing.

 

My son has behavioral therapy everyday for the last 2 years & ive learned that people commit the same behavior bc they get something from it & if never made to face consequences for bad actions there is no incentive to change. He's going to beg if you go to leave him. He needs to be thrown in jail & left. If you see him actually putting work into changing then maybe you can reconsider later on but right now, you need to show him you refuse to be a victim to him.

 

Good luck, I'm sorry you have to go through this at this time in your life. You should only be worried about enjoying your new baby...congrats

[Cherryz]

Wow :eek::eek::eek::eek:

 

I dont know the real story or everything that is going on in your home.

Because i think there are women that also keep push push till the men gets really angry. Because they want to hurt him badly with words.

But either way people should keep their hands to themselves!

This guy is a real abuser or worst!

 

He dont know how to control his anger and not men enough to walk away before its escalate.

He is already doing the worse to you! I think next will be something

even more horrible.

 

Did you took time to know this guy? Or get to know his family and friends? Childhood history?Was there argument when you met him? How did he react?

I dont think anyone start being this way out of the blue.

What about his exes,wasn't he abusive to them also? Did he never show emotions while you wasnt married? Thats also a reason to be worried back then.

 

Many people gets busy with romance and fantasys and ignore real signs and real stuff while dating.

 

You need to MAN UP! And dont take this lightly because its very bad!

He is abusing you very bad.

I never heard of a abuser that stops after the first time.

Or changed.

It often continue and gets worse.

 

So if you want to stop this choose now. You can choose to go live somewhere else. Or divorce.

And talk with a lawyer about your rights.

And while you there hide a camera and record him. So you have prove of his behavior in court.

 

But if its not necessary dont stay a second with this figure.

He is sick. And only way of escape this is by leaving him!

Because in their mind its justify that they abuse you.

 

THink about your son and about your safety.

If needed contact your parents and go stay with them while you figure it out with your lawyer. Or at the women shelter in your country.

Dont keep this as a secret from your parents and close friends.

And dont believe your husband if he tells you he will change and ask you to come back.

 

And if his mom turn against you and choose his side, it will be clear that she is the reason why he is mess up like he is.

[Cherryz]

By keep calling the police on him when he puts his hands on you, you also

build evidence against him that you can use in court. Also he then see that there is consequences.

 

But you need to leave, dont stay unnecessarily just to gain evidence.

He is going hard on you with his abuse. You dont know what he up to next.

[Tayla]

Boots- Get counseling and suggest your husband do as well.

 

Have you both discussed methods of healthy conflict resolution?

 

How are you both at validating the others views?

 

Would you both be willing to save the marriage?

[Emilia]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Its funny, before I met him if someone I cared about had someone doing this sort of thing to them, I would be telling her the exact things you are all saying. I guess I thought that since it doesn't happen very often I could just put up with it.

 

Since having my son though, (he is only 6 weeks old) I have realised that it isn't just me that it will affect any more, and I am feeling more and more like we need to go. My son is the most important thing to me.

 

My only concern with leaving though is custody - I know he will fight me all the way, possibly even try to get full custody. His mother is a family lawyer, she has a lot of money to spend on good attorneys etc, and I know they will go to extreme lengths. I'm worried they will make me look bad to get custody.

 

There are obviously financial issues with leaving as well, but I am not too concerned about that - I will find a way to make it work!

The devious way I would do it is I'd wait until he hit me (as long as my son wasn't being damaged in any way) or anything similar that I could go to the police with. Once I had a police report and they had a chat with him, there is nothing he or his mother could do....

[spiderowl]

I have a friend whose husband became abusive, eventually hitting their children too. The cops got involved at that point and he is now out of her life. It all started like you describe though. Your partner is abusive and controlling. He will be nice for patches and then get into a rage. It's called the cycle of abuse: Cycle of Abuse

 

I feel sorry for you because you have committed to sharing your life with him (home and everything) before finding out his true nature. The only thing to do is to get out as fast as possible. Treat this as the end of the road for the relationship. I know that will be hard and hurtful because there was/is love there in any relationship, but it will only deteriorate. When will he reach the point of pulling out your hair, burning you on the iron, beating you until you have broken bones? Don't wait to find out.

 

I really wish you all the best. Seek support from refuges because they have good advisors who can support and arrange counselling. You are in a very tough spot, but one day you will be out of it and so relieved.

[Buddhist]

There was a very famous case of this in Australia. The girl concerned with scared of her partner but wouldn't leave him. He had at this stage (as far as records show) not beaten her. But he was jealous and possessive and controlling. She expressed as much to her parents but went back to him.

 

He threw her out a 10 story window and killed her when she returned home. There was no argument, no nothing. He just grabbed her as she walked in the door and killed her. That was his next step. Don't assume that the escalation in a process like this will be one that you will survive. It may not be. Get out today. You have the support of your brother, go and stay with him. Today.

Edited May 22, 2016 by Buddhist

[Boots87]

Thank you everyone for all the replies, you have no idea how helpful you have been. There have been a lot of good points made, and a lot of useful advice. You have no idea how helpful you have all been - every time my resolve weakens I look at this thread and read all the responses and it makes me more determined to leave and make a happy life with my son.

 

I think it is finally sinking in....