BF left cause is bored in bed and needs time to think

[Emilia]

I totally agree with you. He was the one that moved really fast. I was afraid this would happen when he wouldn't leave my side from day 1.

You need to become more assertive. A lot of men take advantage of the fact that women tend to be more pliant. When you know what you want, you need to stick to your guns, you can't just give in and let the other person control the outcome completely.

I don't have a very high sex drive. I think it's the pills I'm in so I don't have a problem not having sex all the time. No it's not all about him. He says it's all about me in the bedroom and wants to do diff things. I said ok that's fine. We tried his way the day he came back and it was awesome! Then the next time we tried he said he was worried the whole time and took him long to cum. The next day he left

It sounds like you aren't sexually compatible, I bet this was apparent by the 6 months mark but because you spent so much time together, the relationship dragged on.

[66Charger]

I don't think the sex is amazing and I see where he says it go routine. Not something I'm not willing to work on. Love is more important to me than sex.

 

If this is how you really think, then there may not be another woman. It probaly is incompatability. Neither may be in the wrong..

 

To be fair, if the sex isnt amazing for you, perhaps his skillset isnt up to par. If you saw stars more often, that thought pattern might change. I have found its always on, if a woman anticipates a couple of Os. Sometimes the blame is the mirror.

[Zapbasket]

If this is how you really think, then there may not be another woman. It probaly is incompatability. Neither may be in the wrong..

 

To be fair, if the sex isnt amazing for you, perhaps his skillset isnt up to par. If you saw stars more often, that thought pattern might change. I have found its always on, if a woman anticipates a couple of Os. Sometimes the blame is the mirror.

 

Yeah, you know, it really could be HIM feeling inadequate. I think it's telling that he said to you that he still doesn't know what you like. I mean, did you try to tell or show him what you like? Did you have orgasms when you had sex? I think it's not hard, even if someone is reticent to talk about sex explicitly, to explore the other person's body and discover what they like. It takes patience and awareness of the cues.

 

It sounds like maybe he's not great in the sack and perhaps that is why he doesn't want to work on it: he fears being shown up as lacking.

 

Does this ring true at all, OP?

[HopeForTomorrow]

If you want to live your life trying desperately to act like a porn star 24/7 just for some ignorant misfit who thinks the world revolves around his pitiful little d*ck, then you're going to have ONE sh*tty life, my friend.

 

And only the incredibly naive actually make the statement, "I know 100% that he's not cheating on me." Unless you carry his pitiful d*ck around in your purse all day long and only give it to him when he's home at nght, you DON'T know anything with 100% certainty. That's the type of statement just about every woman whose ever been cheated on has made - and lived to regret. Take off the blinders.

 

Stop selling yourself short, stop disrespecting yourself, and stop swallowing your dignity to cater to some selfish, lying assclown whose too ignorant and too immature to know that life doesn't revolve around his genitals.

 

^^^ This ^^^

 

(And I know this is very serious, but the above post made me lose my mouthful of diet pepsi on my keyboard)

 

I am sorry; I know it hurts - but this guy either has another woman or he's just a selfish, um, clown who thinks the world revolves around his almighty penis.

 

As far as sex, IME many men aren't as good as they think they are, especially the ones who brag about it or just generally act like jerks. Don't sell yourself short. An earlier poster, I think it was Satu, said that if he wants time, give him forever. And maybe you should find yourself bored with him in bed too and get someone else. Good luck to you!

[Buddhist]

Why prepare for him to leave?

 

SHE should leave or just tell him to leave.

.

 

Because she's clearly not ready to let go yet. If you make a move before you are truly ready all you do is second guess yourself and cause more drama and pain to yourself. She probably needs him to leave again to accept that, this is what he intends to do.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Come to RedPurpleOrange. He needs a woman tonite. Let him show you what the deepest, widest love feels like. He can make any woman tingle.

 

 

PS: No woman is 'bad in bed'. You have to take a woman to *that* place and it can be done with every one if you take the effort. Dump his bum ass, he's damaging your confidence and getting away with murder. Go get a better man who loves you and your lovemaking and let him come crawling back when it all goes wrong at his end.

 

 

Then laugh in his face and point to your new-found Casanova. ;)

[Jpiccolo6]

You are probably right. I'm not very vocal or creative in bed but I explained to him he needs to bring it out in me. He feels it should just happen.

[Jpiccolo6]

I don't expect orgasms. I can't orgasm from just sex. Maybe that upsets him. I don't know. I don't need to orgasm every time we have sex. Just being with him is enough for me. I can orgasm with bullets and wands though. And we use them.

[Gloria25]

Come to RedPurpleOrange. He needs a woman tonite. Let him show you what the deepest, widest love feels like. He can make any woman tingle.

 

 

PS: No woman is 'bad in bed'. You have to take a woman to *that* place and it can be done with every one if you take the effort. Dump his bum ass, he's damaging your confidence and getting away with murder. Go get a better man who loves you and your lovemaking and let him come crawling back when it all goes wrong at his end.

 

 

Then laugh in his face and point to your new-found Casanova. ;)

 

No, there are terrible women in bed. Some just lie there like a dead fish.

[RedPurpleOrange]

No, there are terrible women in bed. Some just lie there like a dead fish.

 

 

Well I can honestly say I've never EVER experienced that! Truly!!!!

[Gloria25]

No, there are terrible women in bed. Some just lie there like a dead fish.

 

I remember watching the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and she just climbed on dude, grinned and then it was over - terrible sex scene if you ask me. There was another scene where she was doing it with her gf and yes, she definitely showed some enthusiasm and passion.

[RedPurpleOrange]

I remember watching the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and she just climbed on dude, grinned and then it was over - terrible sex scene if you ask me. There was another scene where she was doing it with her gf and yes, she definitely showed some enthusiasm and passion.

 

 

Well she obviously batted for the other team lol.

 

 

My mate lent me that book, he said it was amazing! Still haven't read it yet.

 

 

Most stories I hear from ladies are of guys who don't go down and who pop off in like three minutes in one position, then grunt, flop onto the bed, turn their backs and fall asleep.

 

 

I seriously have never had a woman being a cold fish in bed!

[Gloria25]

Well she obviously batted for the other team lol.

 

 

My mate lent me that book, he said it was amazing! Still haven't read it yet.

 

 

Most stories I hear from ladies are of guys who don't go down and who pop off in like three minutes in one position, then grunt, flop onto the bed, turn their backs and fall asleep.

 

 

I seriously have never had a woman being a cold fish in bed!

 

Yes, they're out there. I've had guy friends tell me about them. I think prostitutes do that a lot too. There are some Sex and the City shows too where the sex was terrible. In one Carrie just laid there quiet...but that guy she was with, Berger or something, he wasn't like you, he didn't "bring it", so she didn't try either. Oh gosh and the "jackhammering" guy she hooked up with for Charolette's wedding. Carrie just lied there while he jackhammered away and he thought that the the sex was great

[Jpiccolo6]

I've never had this problem until now. Also have never been in such a good relationship before . He treats me like a princess. I don't get it.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Yes, they're out there. I've had guy friends tell me about them. I think prostitutes do that a lot too. There are some Sex and the City shows too where the sex was terrible. In one Carrie just laid there quiet...but that guy she was with, Berger or something, he wasn't like you, he didn't "bring it", so she didn't try either. Oh gosh and the "jackhammering" guy she hooked up with for Charolette's wedding. Carrie just lied there while he jackhammered away and he thought that the the sex was great

 

 

It's a sad, sad state of affairs. When I'm with a woman, I wanna EAT 'em. I wanna taste their tastiness, I wanna make the sex as good and as poppin' as possible, my mouth will not stop wanting to taste them and my D will not will not stop wanting to F them.

 

 

I think...ya know...that's the WAY, that's the WAY.

 

 

To naturally feel like all you want is that edibility. I used to think I was weird, now I know I'm blessed.

[RedPurpleOrange]

I've never had this problem until now. Also have never been in such a good relationship before . He treats me like a princess. I don't get it.

 

 

And he's NOT 'treating you like a princess'.

 

 

He's treating you like a C.

[Buddhist]

Also have never been in such a good relationship before . He treats me like a princess. I don't get it.

 

Okay I'm going to share with you here. Maybe one day soon you will come back to this post and have an aha moment.

 

- He sometimes does things which you equate with being in your ultimate love relationship.

- He probably did those things more often in the beginning than now.

- The trouble is you're not living in the now, you're living in the past, bringing back all those memories of when he was prince charming.

- Doing that is stopping you from seeing what's happening now, which is he's being an arse and treating you badly.

- He will never go back to being prince charming because prince charming was an act in order to get you into a relationship with him. Now that is accomplished and he is bored with you prince charming does not exist in him anymore.

- Prince charming is very likely dating another woman now.

 

Whenever we hold these kind of fairytale expectations we are vulnerable to being played and experiencing heartbreak. That's not to say that true love does not exist, it does. But true love does not look anything like your fairytale, dreams and desires. True love comes when we have finally done with the fairytale and see it for what it is. A child's story that others can easily use to manipulate you.

 

This is not an easy post to read, I know. I did not want to read similar when I was where you are. I would rather have died than face that truth. But face it I did, when I was ready. You will too. If this is your good relationship, then it means you've only been in terrible ones. You can do much better than this.

Edited May 22, 2016 by Buddhist

[JuanDelToro]

I'm going to play the devils advocate here because everyone else is bashing the **** out of this guy and jumping to conclusions without knowing his side of the story.

 

Stating that he's cheating and that she should breakup with him after reading a couple of the OP comments, honestly I find it to be irresponsible to say the least.

 

It's one thing to share a personal opinion, offer an advice and another to try and influence someone as per personal beliefs.

 

OP's first few comments were about asking for clarity, a different perspective in a confusing situation and help how to fix the issue. There wasn't an indication of her wanting to end the relationship. She constantly stated that she's certain that he is not cheating. Yet after comments of stating the opposite start flooding in she took a turn on a dime and now she's asking how to breakup. She has been clearly influenced here and anyone can see it.

 

No one is guilty until proven otherwise and there's no way for forum members to prove this in this instance. Assumption is not evidence.

 

From OP's comments I can see that he does like her and possibly love her. He wants her to step up her sexual game a little. When this doesn't happen (at least in the way he invisions it) confusion and doubt kicks in making him distant. I get that the guy doesn't want to go but at the same time he is hurting. Sex is very important, if not the most important factor of nurturing a healthy relationship.

 

Yes there's an apparent sexual incompatibility here at this point, the real question to be asked is, are both parties willing to work and find common grounds? Meaning discuss the issue like adults, discover each other's needs on a deeper level, put in the effort. Even if that means that she will have to step up her game a little and he tones down his demands a little.

 

Just my 2cents.

 

And a little bit of a rant as I feel like to. Great relationships are built on mutual understanding, collaboration and teamwork. Giving up on each other with the first misdemeanor, although acceptable with no judgement, puts us into the "looking for perfect match" steam train that everyone seems to be riding these days. Yet few manage to find the unicorn and many are miserable.

I don't condone "settling for less" or complacency but I'm pro some sweat and tears when building a relationship.

[Jpiccolo6]

Thank you juandeltoro! You definitely get where I'm coming from! And what you said is exactly how he said it. He loves me and I'm his heart so he is confused on what to do bc he is unhappy with the situation but he is happy with me. But in the other hand, the way he is handling the situation is very immature. I think it's bc he is about 10 years behind in life. He lost 10 yrs of his life due to be stupid and ending up in jail from 22 years old to 33 yrs old. He doesn't have the mentality of a 37 yr old. He didn't have sex for all of his 20's. I know I need to step up my game too. It's a 2 way street. The problem now is it's probably too late. Now he had lost sexual attraction and doesn't know if "he can be fixed." His words.

[bathtub-row]

I disagree with those who think he's cheating. I think your lack of sex drive is a big turn-off for him and he doesn't quite know what to do about it. The truth is, if sex is bad or boring within a year of the relationship, then he's right to think it's not going to get any better, nor will you be able to maintain whatever energy you decide to put into it for awhile. It will go right back to where it is now.

 

I'm sure you're a great person but low sex drives are death sentences to relationships. I actually respect him for being honest with you. We see it all the time on this forum where men are constantly complaining about how their wives don't care about sex, nor do they care about his needs. Then the wives are shocked when their husband leaves or has an affair. You should not accuse him of being immature. He's actually right that it should just happen. Sex should not be that much work. It's one of the most common, natural acts we as humans can perform -- right up there with breathing. Your best bet would be to find a man who's sex drive matches yours. Otherwise, this monster will keep raising its ugly head.

[Emilia]

Yes there's an apparent sexual incompatibility here at this point, the real question to be asked is, are both parties willing to work and find common grounds? Meaning discuss the issue like adults, discover each other's needs on a deeper level, put in the effort. Even if that means that she will have to step up her game a little and he tones down his demands a little.

Not sure whether you have read the whole thread but this has been answered already, hence the unified tone of the other posts.

 

No, he isn't prepared to work on it, they are supposed to be living together and he had left already.

"1 week ago he left bc he said he's not happy with our sex life. It's become routine and boring. After 5 days he came back bc he was willing to try and fix things. Then 1 week later he left again. Said he doesn't feel like it's changing and he needs time to really think about things."

 

"I tried suggest sex therapy and he won't go. He thinks therapy is stupid."

 

Having relationship and life experience mean that you also have to know when to accept the inevitable. It can be a unilateral decision to end a relationship and this guy is leaving/left. He doesn't want to work on a very basic incompatibility issue and he is in the right here. He is doing this the wrong way (he obviously doesn't have much relationship experience himself) but he is unhappy with the sex and it's not something you can come back from only 1 year in.

 

It's DONE. The OP is doing it the hard way.

[Emilia]

Thank you juandeltoro! You definitely get where I'm coming from! And what you said is exactly how he said it. He loves me and I'm his heart so he is confused on what to do bc he is unhappy with the situation but he is happy with me. But in the other hand, the way he is handling the situation is very immature. I think it's bc he is about 10 years behind in life. He lost 10 yrs of his life due to be stupid and ending up in jail from 22 years old to 33 yrs old. He doesn't have the mentality of a 37 yr old. He didn't have sex for all of his 20's. I know I need to step up my game too. It's a 2 way street. The problem now is it's probably too late. Now he had lost sexual attraction and doesn't know if "he can be fixed." His words.

I can't believe you are doing all this work for an ex-con. Are you kidding me? People don't get 11 years for nothing. That goes beyond 'stupid'

[JuanDelToro]

Not sure whether you have read the whole thread but this has been answered already, hence the unified tone of the other posts.

 

No, he isn't prepared to work on it, they are supposed to be living together and he had left already.

"1 week ago he left bc he said he's not happy with our sex life. It's become routine and boring. After 5 days he came back bc he was willing to try and fix things. Then 1 week later he left again. Said he doesn't feel like it's changing and he needs time to really think about things."

 

"I tried suggest sex therapy and he won't go. He thinks therapy is stupid."

 

Having relationship and life experience mean that you also have to know when to accept the inevitable. It can be a unilateral decision to end a relationship and this guy is leaving/left. He doesn't want to work on a very basic incompatibility issue and he is in the right here. He is doing this the wrong way (he obviously doesn't have much relationship experience himself) but he is unhappy with the sex and it's not something you can come back from only 1 year in.

 

Apparently for him to keep going back and forth, to me it means that the issue is unresolved and they both have not addressed this in a proper manner. Most probably because of relationship inexperience, i wont debate that.

 

The duration of the relationship is irrelevant, time is not always a good strength measurement of the bond between a couple.

 

It's DONE. The OP is doing it the hard way.

 

This is YOUR personal opinion. Personal opinions are not facts.

 

I can't believe you are doing all this work for an ex-con. Are you kidding me? People don't get 11 years for nothing. That goes beyond 'stupid'

 

This comment to me speaks volumes and it`s an utterly biased generalization! For one you don`t know how and why the guy ended up in prison and secondly people do screw up you know. Does that mean that they should be tagged as criminals, always prone for misbehavior, for the rest of their lives and have their right of living a normal life and be treated as equals, removed?

 

Apparently the OP saw something in him that made her liked him and she decided, after weighing things as an adult, that she wanted to be with him. She treated him as a human being ought to treat another.

[JuanDelToro]

Thank you juandeltoro! You definitely get where I'm coming from! And what you said is exactly how he said it. He loves me and I'm his heart so he is confused on what to do bc he is unhappy with the situation but he is happy with me. But in the other hand, the way he is handling the situation is very immature. I think it's bc he is about 10 years behind in life. He lost 10 yrs of his life due to be stupid and ending up in jail from 22 years old to 33 yrs old. He doesn't have the mentality of a 37 yr old. He didn't have sex for all of his 20's. I know I need to step up my game too. It's a 2 way street. The problem now is it's probably too late. Now he had lost sexual attraction and doesn't know if "he can be fixed." His words.

 

Look, at the end of the day it is your decision and how willing are you to see if this issue can be addressed and if anything can be done about it. If your feelings for him are strong enough and you see that something good can come about for the future, then by all means you should and in collaboration with him, try and work things. It is never too late, as long as both parties have strong feelings and are keen.

 

If on the other hand, you`re not too sure about him or you don`t think that you have the energy or the patience to work on this, and especially to work on yourself first, then you have every right in the world to choose not to continue and in good time attract another person that is more compatible.

 

Seeking advice is great and listen to what people have to say, but do take all points of view with a grain of salt. It is your life and your decisions after all.

[elaine567]

If your feelings for him are strong enough and you see that something good can come about for the future, then by all means you should and in collaboration with him, try and work things. It is never too late, as long as both parties have strong feelings and are keen..

 

But both parties are NOT keen.

He refused her offer of going to sex therapy, she was willing to work on the sex with him, but he left anyway.

 

He said the sexual attraction was just not there for him any longer, so it was not really just about some bad sex.

With no attraction present, even Mata Hari would be struggling.

I guess he just wishes to seek pastures new.