Jpiccolo6 Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and we live together. We haven't left each other's side from day 1. We both have never been in such a good relationship in our entire life. I'm 36 and he's 37. We love each other so much. We rarely fight and are so happy in Everyway except sex. 1 week ago he left bc he said he's not happy with our sex life. It's become routine and boring. After 5 days he came back bc he was willing to try and fix things. Then 1 week later he left again. Said he doesn't feel like it's changing and he needs time to really think about things. He feels if he comes back and things don't change its going to be worse in the future. He doesn't want to end up cheating or leave me years down the line. He said there is no one else and he hasn't cheated and I believe him. He said sex became boring and routine and he feels like we just do it to do. Feels like a chore and doesn't care if we have sex or not. The desire isn't there and he doesn't like feeling like that. He has a hard time keeping an erection bc its on his mind the whole time. He said he loves me so much and I'm his heart but he's not attracted to me in bed. He thinks I'm beautiful but the sexual attraction isn't there like it used to be. I've been making so many suggestions to fix it. Going away together, going to sex therapy. Watching porn, reading books. He says he doesn't need any of that. Once the these feeling are gone it's hard to get them back. I think he's beeing really immature. He lost a lot of his life in in 20's and I feel like that's why he has a mentality of a 20 year old when it comes to sex. He said our sexual chemistry isn't the same and after a year he still doesn't know what I I like. I'm A little shy dirty talking and not very creative in bed., but I've been trying and it's not helping. when it comes to told him you can't just run away when we have a problem. You have to work on it. He just thinks it's too hard to get this back., please help. I don't know what to do. 2 months ago he was talking about "when we get married." Edited May 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 (edited) I think he wants or he actually has, someone else. Sorry! Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 20, 2016 Author Share Posted May 20, 2016 I know there is no one else right now. All his stuff is also still in my apt. How long do I give him to "think"? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 I think he wants or he actually has, someone else. Sorry! Yeah... IMO..he wouldn't have left unless there was another already in the wings that he is trying out. One thing to think about if he doesn't have anybody else then why in the world would you want to build a life with a man who leaves instead of talking things out, the reaction of leaving to fix something like this would make me believe life with this guy is going to be a roller coaster and full of heartbreak and certainly this kind of problem solving will takes it's toll on your self esteem. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 I have to agree with Elaine. Don't be naive to the fact that there could be someone else or that he's harboring thoughts of wanting someone else. I was with my ex for two years and we went through the same thing and I found later he was cheating. His attention was distracted and taken by someone else. I'm wondering if he is using this reasoning to leave the relationship. The fact that he's resisting efforts to work on this is telling in that he's made up his mind. This is likely his way of easing it onto you so that when it all comes to a halt, he has an excuse as to why it wasn't working. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 20, 2016 Author Share Posted May 20, 2016 Yeah one of our Mutual guy friends said the same thing. That its simple to fix but he's too stubborn and immature. Said he will most likely keep doing this. I miss him so much. I'm hurting so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 Are you joined at his hip 24/7? How do you know there is no one else? Reread what you wrote. He thinks your sex life is not good but he doesn't want to do anything to fix it because he doesn't need any of the things you've suggested. He thinks you're beautiful but he's not sexually attracted to you. Basically he is telling you the problem is you and it cannot be fixed. You've tried but nothing is helping because his mind is made up. He is more than likely getting satisfied elsewhere or he wants out to get it elsewhere. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 20, 2016 Author Share Posted May 20, 2016 Zahara.... I know 100 percent he's not cheating . Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 Yeah one of our Mutual guy friends said the same thing. That its simple to fix but he's too stubborn and immature. Said he will most likely keep doing this. I miss him so much. I'm hurting so bad. I don't think it has to do with him being immature or stubborn but more so his lack of emotional investment in you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 Zahara.... I know 100 percent he's not cheating . No one ever knows 100%. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 20, 2016 Author Share Posted May 20, 2016 But that's the thing. I know he loves me and is really invested. This is the only problem we have. He said its his problem and is just afraid that if we can't get the sex back it will hurt worse in the future if we continue. He needs time to think if it can or can't be fixed. It's been 2 weeks. All his stuff is still in my apt. His Facebook till says we are in a relationship. Last time we talked I asked if we were together or not. He said he never said we were broken up. He's confused on what to do. How much time do I give him? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 People who want to work on the relationship, work on the relationship, leaving is not working on the relationship. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 How is he invested when he doesn't want to work on it? How can you even continue if he is not sexually attracted to you? How can he get "it" back if he's not willing to work on it? Does it really take 2 weeks to decide if you want to be with someone and work on a relationship if a boring sex life is the only issue? Why did he need to leave to think about it if he loves you and is invested? Why is it his decision to make whether he wants to stay or go while you wait at home with bated breath? Something seems off....I can't put my finger on it....... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 But that's the thing. I know he loves me and is really invested. This is the only problem we have. He said its his problem and is just afraid that if we can't get the sex back it will hurt worse in the future if we continue. He needs time to think if it can or can't be fixed. It's been 2 weeks. All his stuff is still in my apt. His Facebook till says we are in a relationship. Last time we talked I asked if we were together or not. He said he never said we were broken up. He's confused on what to do. How much time do I give him? I think in his mind, he's made a decision. The waffling is his hesitancy in telling you how he truly feels because he doesn't want to hurt and disappoint you. It could also be his own uncertainty as to whether he's ready to step to the other side. But he's telling you he doesn't feel it anymore. He's even avoidant -- resisting ways to work on it. If he doesn't want to work on the relationship then you need to decide how long you're willing to wait for him to decide. Just don't give him too much time to leave you hanging while he figures his transition plan. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 (edited) First, I love when members start a thread claiming to be insanely in love and happy and everything is perfect...except... Clearly things are NOT as wonderful as you believe them to be, especially when sex issues are at the core. My gut instinct tells me he's got someone else. If he hasn't already slept with her, he definitively has found someone whose gotten his engine roaring to the point where he's questioning your relationship and willing to risk it all. Please don't be so naive to think otherwise. I would say he's actually done with the relationship but he's too scared to pull the plug on it. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and is likely behaving this way so you'll be the one to cut him loose. He's a coward. OP, he's done and so should you. You said yourself you've tried to change, improve, compromise and nothing pleases him. The writing is on the wall with this guy. Sorry. Edited May 20, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 20, 2016 Author Share Posted May 20, 2016 I get what everyone is saying ? I'm just having a really hard time. I can't sleep and have a lot of anxiety I've never had. I'm just really hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 I get what everyone is saying ? I'm just having a really hard time. I can't sleep and have a lot of anxiety I've never had. I'm just really hurt. I know and I'm sorry but better to find out the kind of man he is NOW rather than after you married him! Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 I know a friend who felt just the same. She loved her husband, and thought they're a good couple and good parents. She was just bored in bed with him and had a little attraction to him. She's suggested that she'll get a free pass to hang out sometimes with others just for that purpose - for the sex (A kind of an open marriage). He husband rejected the idea at first. She didn't understand why should they split the great family and love they had, just for this minor thing. She'd waited for years for his consent, but he was very possessive. Eventually she went on with this and just notified him that she's doing it, hoping he won't leave. It's been almost a years she's doing it (keep males friends for sex sometimes, not every week). He knows, and she's doing it for a year now. Till now he hasn't left or made any action to leave. She takes it as a YES. and she's very happy. She understands that her husband can't fulfill ALL her needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 I get what everyone is saying ? I'm just having a really hard time. I can't sleep and have a lot of anxiety I've never had. I'm just really hurt. I'm sure it's very hard and it's breaking your heart. Best you know now rather than later. Now that you have this information on hand, try to start processing and expecting the potential of this possibly not working out the way you hope. There's no easy way, but it's all you can do for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 1 week ago he left bc he said he's not happy with our sex life. It's become routine and boring. After 5 days he came back bc he was willing to try and fix things. Then 1 week later he left again. Said he doesn't feel like it's changing and he needs time to really think about things. So he ups and leaves you just because the self-entitled man child is 'bored' sexually? Does he up and leave when the cable goes out or if he has no clean clothes to wear? It's the same immature, selfish logic. He feels if he comes back and things don't change its going to be worse in the future. He doesn't want to end up cheating or leave me years down the line. He said there is no one else and he hasn't cheated and I believe him. That, my dear, is your first mistake. Believing a word out of some liar's mouth who doesn't think TWICE about deserting the woman he supposedly loves - all because the poor deprived man is sexually 'bored.' Poor victim! He said sex became boring and routine and he feels like we just do it to do. Feels like a chore and doesn't care if we have sex or not. The desire isn't there and he doesn't like feeling like that. He has a hard time keeping an erection bc its on his mind the whole time. LOL. More like he's getting it elsewhere so he's not motivated to get it at home. He said he loves me so much and I'm his heart but he's not attracted to me in bed. He thinks I'm beautiful but the sexual attraction isn't there like it used to be. I've been making so many suggestions to fix it. Going away together, going to sex therapy. Watching porn, reading books. He says he doesn't need any of that. Once the these feeling are gone it's hard to get them back. Why the hell are YOU jumping around like a trained seal trying to please this selfish ass? I think he's beeing really immature. He lost a lot of his life in in 20's and I feel like that's why he has a mentality of a 20 year old when it comes to sex. He said our sexual chemistry isn't the same and after a year he still doesn't know what I I like. LOL. The guy stinks in bed and has no freakin' CLUE how to please a woman - and YOU'RE the one jumping around trying to please him? Seriously? I don't know what to do. 2 months ago he was talking about "when we get married." If you want to live your life trying desperately to act like a porn star 24/7 just for some ignorant misfit who thinks the world revolves around his pitiful little d*ck, then you're going to have ONE sh*tty life, my friend. And only the incredibly naive actually make the statement, "I know 100% that he's not cheating on me." Unless you carry his pitiful d*ck around in your purse all day long and only give it to him when he's home at nght, you DON'T know anything with 100% certainty. That's the type of statement just about every woman whose ever been cheated on has made - and lived to regret. Take off the blinders. Stop selling yourself short, stop disrespecting yourself, and stop swallowing your dignity to cater to some selfish, lying assclown whose too ignorant and too immature to know that life doesn't revolve around his genitals. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 He lost a lot of his life in in 20's and I feel like that's why he has a mentality of a 20 year old when it comes to sex. He said our sexual chemistry isn't the same and after a year he still doesn't know what I I like. I'm A little shy dirty talking and not very creative in bed., but I've been trying and it's not helping. Wow. I know some males and females find sex very very very important. For me my love for the other person is much more important than sex. I also agree with the others, he should have dealt with this in an entirely different way. Also do not agree with something like lolablue17 suggests, if that is not you for some people that is OK. For me personally that would never work. I rather would be alone! The argument that because he had it tough before makes me a bit mad if I am honest with you. I have had some rough periods too in my life, so what? Does not entitle us to be egoists. Jpiccolo6 you should fire his sorry ass yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 Sex is tricky, if it's an issue a year in, I think it's usually the death of the relationship regardless whether he is cheating or not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 OP, you need to be real with yourself: He is not invested if he's left twice now and is unwilling to work on it. Also, unless you are with him 100% of the time, you can never be 100% sure there isn't someone else. Sorry. Those of us who have been betrayed know this all too well. I am not saying that he is definitely cheating, but you cannot claim to know for sure that he isn't. His departure and sudden return sound awfully suspect. I think this is over. He isn't sexually attracted to you and doesn't want to try. A relationship requires effort on both sides, and you're the only who wants to make an effort. Don't give him more "time." He knows it's gone. I'm very sorry because I know it's very hurtful to you. I can't imagine a partner telling me the same thing. He is being honest that for him, the chemistry just isn't there. Link to post Share on other sites
deadparrot Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 Well, first of all, some people are just not sexually compatible, and it sounds like, at least on your boyfriend's end, he wasn't getting what he needed out of the physical relationship. That in and of itself doesn't make him a bad person, even if the breakup is painful. That said, he's going about it in an incredibly hurtful and selfish way. Either he needs to cut ties and get out of your life completely, or, if you're open to it, you should get help to see if things could be improved in the bedroom. None of this "I need to think; maybe I'll come back when I'm bored" nonsense. At this point, OP, I think you need to make the decision for him and end things on your terms rather than letting him use you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 20, 2016 Author Share Posted May 20, 2016 Yeah I agree with you. I tried suggest sex therapy and he won't go. He thinks therapy is stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
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