BF left cause is bored in bed and needs time to think

[Jpiccolo6]

Yes we both have really strong feelings for each other. I'm willing to do whatever I can to make it work. He's going about this situation in the wrong way but I guess this is how he deals with it. I'm not ready to let him go. I'm thinking maybe he wanted to time apart to see if the sexual attraction can come back. He said he is attracted to me physically just not in the bedroom. He feels we fell off there and doesn't know if he can can get it back. He's afraid if we continue and it doesn't come back he's gonna hurt me worse in the future. I understand this but I tried telling him that you have to risk it and try everything you can to make it work when you find the kind of love we have. He said he doesn't know if he's willing to risk it and needs time to think. Said this the hardest decision he ever has to make. It's been 11 days since I've spoken to him. I refuse to contact him. It's been 18 days since he left. Juandeltoro ... What do you suggest I do as next step?

[Emilia]

18 days? You were dumped 18 days ago OP, it's done, he is gone, you don't have a relationship. Please think of your dignity.

[Jpiccolo6]

I asked him if we are together or not last time we spoke. He said he never said we were broken up. That it's really simple what he needs. He just needs time to think and everyone to leave him alone. He said it's all he hears from family and friends all day and all night. All his stuff is still in my apt.

[Emilia]

This is him softening the blow OP. He's gone. It's been 18 days and it's not acceptable. You can't allow anyone to treat you this way, you need to take control of your life.

 

I hate to say it but this plays into sexual attraction too, if you constantly keep rolling over and just tolerate anything the other person throws at you, you lose their respect and in turn their attraction.

[Itspointless]

He doesn't have the mentality of a 37 yr old. He didn't have sex for all of his 20's. I know I need to step up my game too. It's a 2 way street.

Yes, it is a 2 way street and you are the only one investing.

 

I really cannot see why he has leverage because of what you write here. But I thank you for the tip as apparently it is the way to get me some being 37. On second though no, I couldn't live with myself if I would treat women like that. Do not treat yourself like that either.

[elaine567]

I know that you are certain he is not seeing anyone else, but you will not be the first person to find that "on a break" means that the other person thinks it is OK to see other people. It causes no end of trouble when the break ends and they get back together.

 

"I thought we were on a break, to work on our relationship????"

"But I was not cheating, as we were on a break..."

 

If you genuinely think you are on a break and not broken up then you need to make sure you have that conversation, if you haven't already had it.

Edited May 22, 2016 by elaine567

[RedPurpleOrange]

Stating that he's cheating and that she should breakup with him after reading a couple of the OP comments, honestly I find it to be irresponsible to say the least.

 

 

Yeah, there is truth in that. There needs to be a little balance.

[Jpiccolo6]

I'm having a really hard day today. I want to text him so bad. Don't know if I should. My friends are saying no. Let him make the move.

[Jpiccolo6]

I caved and texted him. He said he is going to come by tomorrow so we can talk.

[elaine567]

I caved and texted him. He said he is going to come by tomorrow so we can talk.

 

Why not today?

[Jpiccolo6]

He has an event today. He said if he gets back early enough he will come today.

[Jpiccolo6]

I don't know what to say to him. I want to be strong and tough but I know when I see him I'm going to weak.

[JuanDelToro]

Jpiccolo6. First of all don't get in contact with him when you're under emotional stress. Emotions are not always a good guide. Take some time to relax and pull yourself together.

 

Now, I would suggest when you're calm enough, to take paper and pen, sit down and write a couple of things.

First make a list with his top10 pros and top10 cons. What you like the most about him and what you don't like. Be as honest as possible.

By doing this you'll get a better perspective of what it's really in your head and heart. Keep this list to yourself.

 

Next make a top10 list for both, the things about you (that you think) he likes and the things (that you think) he doesn't like. Next to the dislikes write solutions you find practical and doable. Be honest. Do not write solutions that deep down you know that you wouldn't be able to do or to keep up with for a prolonged period. Let's call this the "Plan B".

 

Then contact him and just ask him to do the same. Don't discuss anything else. Just ask him to do the same and create a "Plan B". When you both have your B plans ready, exchange them.

It'll be an eye opener, it'll give you both a solid understanding where you're standing. Most importantly it'll show you if the relationship is salvageable or not. Take note of where the scale tips and how much is there on common grounds.

 

The above is a good exercise for couples in dispute and it works as long as both parties are honest. It also removes guilt from the departing party and also provides answers/closure (to a point) to the party left behind.

[Emilia]

Apparently for him to keep going back and forth, to me it means that the issue is unresolved and they both have not addressed this in a proper manner. Most probably because of relationship inexperience, i wont debate that.

 

The duration of the relationship is irrelevant, time is not always a good strength measurement of the bond between a couple.

He isn't going back and forth. He has gone for 18 days. You are asking the OP to work on something that' doesn't exist anymore.

 

I completely disagree that duration isn't a good stength of measurement, it IS a very good strength of measurement. It means people are able to - or unable to - maintain a hopefully healthy relationship for substantial period of time.

 

The idea of dating is that you spend the first year or so to determine whether you are compatible. It doesn't mean that anyone that you move in with who wants to leave and leaves you, you fight tooth and nail for.

 

You are only able to have healthy relationships and a healthy self esteem if you have boundaries and look after yourself.

 

This is YOUR personal opinion. Personal opinions are not facts.

Of coursed it is a personal opinion, that's what everyone posts here. So is yours.

 

Most people would consider someone they used to live with walking out on them for 5 days then returning, then disappearing as 'gone'. That is when you have meaningful boundaries and don't allow people to treat you like a doormat.

This comment to me speaks volumes and it`s an utterly biased generalization! For one you don`t know how and why the guy ended up in prison and secondly people do screw up you know. Does that mean that they should be tagged as criminals, always prone for misbehavior, for the rest of their lives and have their right of living a normal life and be treated as equals, removed?

 

Apparently the OP saw something in him that made her liked him and she decided, after weighing things as an adult, that she wanted to be with him. She treated him as a human being ought to treat another.

Are you kidding????? You know the sort of people that get 11 YEARS in prison - which may have been longer if he was released early for good behaviour? It is often for repeated offences and violence, you don't get 11 years for something minor. I cannot believe someone would even suggest to overlook something like this

[Cooper04]

I'm going to play the devils advocate here because everyone else is bashing the **** out of this guy and jumping to conclusions without knowing his side of the story.

 

Stating that he's cheating and that she should breakup with him after reading a couple of the OP comments, honestly I find it to be irresponsible to say the least.

 

It's one thing to share a personal opinion, offer an advice and another to try and influence someone as per personal beliefs.

 

OP's first few comments were about asking for clarity, a different perspective in a confusing situation and help how to fix the issue. There wasn't an indication of her wanting to end the relationship. She constantly stated that she's certain that he is not cheating. Yet after comments of stating the opposite start flooding in she took a turn on a dime and now she's asking how to breakup. She has been clearly influenced here and anyone can see it.

 

No one is guilty until proven otherwise and there's no way for forum members to prove this in this instance. Assumption is not evidence.

 

From OP's comments I can see that he does like her and possibly love her. He wants her to step up her sexual game a little. When this doesn't happen (at least in the way he invisions it) confusion and doubt kicks in making him distant. I get that the guy doesn't want to go but at the same time he is hurting. Sex is very important, if not the most important factor of nurturing a healthy relationship.

 

Yes there's an apparent sexual incompatibility here at this point, the real question to be asked is, are both parties willing to work and find common grounds? Meaning discuss the issue like adults, discover each other's needs on a deeper level, put in the effort. Even if that means that she will have to step up her game a little and he tones down his demands a little.

 

Just my 2cents.

 

And a little bit of a rant as I feel like to. Great relationships are built on mutual understanding, collaboration and teamwork. Giving up on each other with the first misdemeanor, although acceptable with no judgement, puts us into the "looking for perfect match" steam train that everyone seems to be riding these days. Yet few manage to find the unicorn and many are miserable.

I don't condone "settling for less" or complacency but I'm pro some sweat and tears when building a relationship.

 

This is very well put!

 

I was in a similar situation to the original poster, but from the other side.

I have a strong sex drive, she didn't. I always had to take the initiative and it always felt like a job to convince her to have sex.

And when we had sex, she would just lie there. She declared she was unable to have an orgasm with another person in the room, and that was that. If I tried to talk about it, ask her what she would do when she was alone, what I could do, what she liked, whatever, she would refuse to discuss it.

Though the bad sex didn't necessarily kill the relationship, what killed it was her refusal to discuss it and work on it. I saw no prospect of improvement so I ended it.

I didn't cheat or find someone else, I just said stop.

 

To the OP, I can't read your boyfriends mind, but if he's anything like me, what he needs is for you to show him that you can change. And you need to ask yourself, can you? And is it worth it?

[Jpiccolo6]

Yes, I can absolutely change. He's not totally wrong. And the jail time was for something minor. He was there that long bc he wouldn't rat on the people that they were initially after. The jail time is not an issue for me. He didn't do anything bad.

[ExpatInItaly]

Look, it's only been a year and he's already bored and doesn't want to work on it.

 

I think he's just plain lost interest. He says you're not broken up so he can keep his Plan B. Sorry OP, it happens.

Edited May 22, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[oldshirt]

He needs time to think if it can or can't be fixed. It's been 2 weeks. All his stuff is still in my apt. His Facebook till says we are in a relationship. Last time we talked I asked if we were together or not. He said he never said we were broken up. He's confused on what to do. How much time do I give him?

 

This is bullcrap. Noone should ever accept this. He is not confused, he knows exactly what he is doing. He is warehousing you on the shelf until he decides if this other woman/women are going to pan out or not.

 

 

Men don't usually formally break up with women like women do with men. Men don't say, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee." like women do. Men just stop calling and slowly stop coming around. They may show up in the middle of the night periodically for a booty call if their are feeling lonely or when their tank is getting full, but as far as a formal relationship, they do a fade out.

 

 

If you have to consult Facebook or ask him if you are still together - then you are not.

 

 

As far as how long to give him, I think it's reasonable to give a day or two to pick up his stuff, or until the next guy that go out with is coming over, whichever comes first.

 

 

Either way, the key here is for you to move on with your own life and do what you want to do without regards to him. He has chosen through his actions to abandon and dissolve your relationship. You can do what you want now. You are released from any relationship commitments or responsibilities.

 

 

You are now a free woman.

 

 

You may get back on the dating market and date whoever you want, bring home from the bar whoever you want, or invite over a bunch of girlfriends to lay around in your sweats and eat ice cream all you want. He has removed himself from your life so you are free to do as you wish.

[Emilia]

Yes, I can absolutely change. He's not totally wrong. And the jail time was for something minor. He was there that long bc he wouldn't rat on the people that they were initially after. The jail time is not an issue for me. He didn't do anything bad.

Please OP stop bending over backwards for some ex-con who has done nothing to deserve a decent relationship with you. I don't know why your self esteem is so low, maybe you were single for a long time before you met him but you are not looking after yourself.

 

He is a LIAR! People don't go to jail for not rating on anyone for 11 years and I wouldn't necessarily believe that he didn't have sex in jail either, a lot of guys do. Maybe that's one of the issues with this relationship.

 

Please listen to oldshirt, he usually posts sensible things. It's time to move on.

[elaine567]

I wouldn't necessarily believe that he didn't have sex in jail either, a lot of guys do. Maybe that's one of the issues with this relationship.

I never actually considered that, but yes of course.

 

Please listen to oldshirt, he usually posts sensible things. It's time to move on.

Agreed

[oldshirt]

I can't believe you are doing all this work for an ex-con. Are you kidding me? People don't get 11 years for nothing. That goes beyond 'stupid'

 

Yeah, this is just stupid and naïve. There are child molesters and 2nd degree murderers that don't get 11 years.

 

 

His conviction is public record, look it up. It was not for something minor. Simply look it up and read it in black and white for yourself.

[oldshirt]

He has an event today. He said if he gets back early enough he will come today.

 

what event is so important that he can't talk today?

 

 

Actually, don't answer that yet, lets get back to that in a little bit. First let's interpret what a guy means when he says, "we'll talk then."

 

 

When a woman says, "we need to have a talk" at best it means she has one foot out the door and if you don't do 180 degree turnaround, you are going to be seeing her dust as she's driving down the road. usually it means that she is dumping you or she is going to confess about the new guy she's been dating for awhile.

 

 

That's for women and they are the ones that do most of the communicating and are the ones that do the formal break up 95% of the time.

 

 

When a guy says, "we'll talk then.." it means when can fit it in to schedule when it is convenient for him, he will tell you stop bugging him.

 

 

You haven't heard from him for almost 3 weeks, who does that in a relationship???????

 

 

Relationships are nuts and bolts behaviors and actions, they are not words and labels. If someone has simply dropped off the face of the earth for 3 weeks - they are not in a relationship with you.

 

 

 

 

So now lets get back to this "event". Is he receiving a Nobel Prize? Is he meeting with the president to receive an award? Is going to the lottery commission to collect his Powerball check? Are they taking the bandages off of his mother's eyes to see if her sight has been restored after surgery?

 

 

What event is it that is so important that he can not talk to about the status of your relationship after you haven't heard a peep from him in 3 weeks??

 

 

......should we all be watching CNN today to see if we see him on TV?

 

 

I'm talking about personal investment here. What event is so important to him that he 'might' stop by today if he gets the chance?

 

 

This event will show you where you stand in his life.

 

 

You need to decide if that is the level of priority that you want to be or not.

 

 

If you are willing to be second-fiddle to his coed softball team's potluck luncheon then none of us can really help you here.

 

 

You need to draw a line and determine what you are and you are not willing to settle for and accept.

 

 

 

 

(hint: someone who is in a relationship, invites their partner to their events)

[JuanDelToro]

Well then let's burn him at the stake for being an ex-con, while we all watch in satisfaction eating a hot dog at the same time.

I'm not a Christian but I'll quote this. John 8:7 "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her".

 

One of my best friends got 8years for manslaughter and after serving his time he went on to become the most successful entrepreneur of our group, being an important member of the community, while building a family that most would envy, with a wife and three daughters that adore him to bits.

 

Yes the OP should weigh things as an adult and do her due diligence for her own wellbeing. That's different to being biased and judge people that we don't know anything about though. Apparently some in here are missing this.

[Emilia]

Well then let's burn him at the stake for being an ex-con, while we all watch in satisfaction eating a hot dog at the same time.

I'm not a Christian but I'll quote this. John 8:7 "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her".

 

One of my best friends got 8years for manslaughter and after serving his time he went on to become the most successful entrepreneur of our group, being an important member of the community, while building a family that most would envy, with a wife and three daughters that adore him to bits.

 

Yes the OP should weigh things as an adult and do her due diligence for her own wellbeing. That's different to being biased and judge people that don't know anything about though. Apparently some in here are missing this.

A very small % of the posts on this thread have focused on the fact that this person is an ex-con.

 

The point everyone is making is that you don't disappear for 3 weeks when you are in a relationship.

 

What the hell has that anything to do with your friend?

[elaine567]

The point everyone is making is that you don't disappear for 3 weeks when you are in a relationship.

 

What the hell has that anything to do with your friend?

 

If you want to improve your sex life with your gf, then moving out and not contacting her for 3 weeks is just the way to do it...