Inconsiderate husband, don't know how to handle it

[ChristineArayla]

Default Inconsiderate husband, don't know how to handle it

My husband and I have had issues for quite a while. We have been married 7 years now. We keep hitting a lot of the same issues and I am at a loss at how even react anymore. I try to ignore some of the issues, looking on the " bright side" but anymore it is just repressing my feelings. I don't want to shove my emotions aside anymore but I don't feel he is working with me. And there have been some big ones as of late.

 

He recently started working a second job, just one day a week at this store a woman owns. His main work is picture framing. Yup, guessed it, I mentioned woman for a reason. It isn't just that she is a woman though. It is because a couple of weeks ago he got a text from a waitress when he left his card where he had breakfast. Only the text was "thanks for listening to me, hope I didn't complain too much, nice to meet you. I wasn't going through his phone. He just happened to get the text when we were at the store and thought it may be my daughter. We have always checked each other's phones at times like that. He said he left the card as business. I always tell him he needs to promote more he said. Yes, I do, because he doesn't prove himself when he has perfect opportunity to so dropping a card a waitress very uncharacteristic of him. I asked what she wanted frames. He said he didn't they didn't talk much about it. Just she said moved and had bare walls. Another point, if you anything custom framing you know some young single waitress can not afford it. I made my points, some of them very loudly and he insisted for days it was business. Finally he admits he was wrong. But status for our relationship, by time it gives me little satisfaction. I would honestly have been happy with, right from the beginning, he would have said "yea, that was kind of stupid, sorry".

 

THEN a couple of weeks later he admits he though of having an affair, not necessarily in waitress case, but "on the hunt". Honestly, I was glad he admitted it because it is better than lying and can give us a point to move forward. Still, a kick in the gut. It hurt horribly! And still not sure how to use this info to repair or troubles.

 

THEN, he starts working with woman and I notice in conversation with him she is talking to about personal things. Not flirt personal but loads of info about friends, how they hurt her, how her and husband were not getting along. RED flag! And my favorite - I see an open chat Him - "hi, how are you? I have been doing collections for work and have people screaming at me. Good thing my wife has me immune to screaming LoL" My favorite part, at the time we were getting along great!!! Called him on it, no screaming, because that is NOT how I EVER START these conversations. He admitted it was wrong. I thought great, progress and actually got over it pretty fast.

 

THEN - as he has been known to do from time to time, but something he had not done for months, so I thought we were past it - He is at the store and is supposed to be home around 6:30. 7:00, still no show. He knows this is my worry trigger as I call it. I only have a few but this one huge, if he, or anyone I know for that matter, is going to be late, please send a text or one minute call so I know you not dead on side of the road. I text him. Nothing. I call him, more nothing. It's 7:30 now. A quarter to 8 he text, "home soon, got to talking, please give me freedom to be me". How could one not know it is past six and just loose track of time when the store closes at six and the owner locked up and you are the last two people there??? And what was the topic of conversation?? She really needed to talk to someone about a good friend that had jewelry in the store and friend had blowout with her and took all her jewelry back. It was rough.

 

And why, after a long, hard day, would she NoT want to hurry home to talk to her husband or a friend? She HAD to talk to my husband about it, whom she has known for a month and talks to once a week???

 

My husband comes home, tries to tell me how she needed to talk and didn't get calls because phone was on silent (though he spent all day just texting me random stuff). I am kicked in the gut again. He gives some lame sorry, I don't know why I can't remember to text. I was furious. I brought up that it especially hurt because of his admitting to looking for an affair. He gets angry because he told me that in confidence and not to throw back at him, and he told me casually he wasn't wanting to have an affair anymore.I spent ten minutes telling him how hurt I was, and No screaming, again because that is never my initial reaction. I avoided him the rest of the night and slept on the couch. He asked me to come to bed but I just couldn't.

I don't know how to act. Right now I don't even know how to treat him when he comes home today. If he DIDN'T already have sex with her yesterday - she very much wants it to go there and seems he is there too.

 

I true my want to work through this. I want to tell him to quit the store, we are not that in need of money. But if it wasn't her it would probably be someone else. We talked about setting boundaries with other people and he agreed he needs to do that. He says these things and does another. I can't force him to honor it.

 

I just don't know how to move forward! I am hurt and it seems he just wants me to get over it. Because my holding on to things will not help, he says. But when these three things happen in the span of like a month - I an NOT going to just get over it. It is not his job to make me happy but when he is doing things that cause pain it is his job to stop and help me "get over it"

Advice please. I'm exhausted!!!

Edited May 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spacing ~6

[NTV]

Wow, of course you're exhausted. He's placing you into the role of a parent and acting like a child. If he had problems with you in the marriage he should have come to you (or therapy) instead of talking about them elsewhere.

 

 

Yeah, he's cheating or actively looking to cheat, but he's honest that's what he's doing.

 

 

Your reaction to this confuses me some. Has he cheated before? Have you?

 

 

As far as the cheating goes, the cheaters manual has the following steps:

-belittle your spouse to the other person so that you both feel better about it

 

 

-lie to your spouse and tell them that they're controlling, insecure, the other folks 'are just friends, can't I have friends?',

 

 

-if caught blame your betrayed spouse, because clearly they're the problem and not you.

 

 

 

 

Truly, there is much more to the steps, these three I just brought up to let you know that you may be feeling crazy but you're not.

 

 

I found that until I was ready to lose my marriage, my ww wouldn't do anything to save it. If you want your marriage to repair, you must be willing to lose it.

 

 

I recommend filing for divorce as you can always stop the process if you both want to. Nothing else but the risk of that will stop him.

[ChristineArayla]

Sorry for all the typos!!

[ChristineArayla]

"Your reaction to this confuses me some. Has he cheated before? Have you?"

 

I don't think he has cheated before, with me. He has cheated on past relationships many times and sometimes I have wondered if I am indeed insecure because of this. He has accused me of being insecure. Like I said, I have wondered that but most of the time I feel like my trust has failed because it is becoming obvious he refuses to put my feelings first.

What about that part was confusing? Maybe I could elaborate?

 

It really hit me when you posted the cheater manual points. Since they apply. And I have to look at the bigger points of why cheating is harmful, not just because of being with another woman. But because that one action shows so much disrespect and disregard.

 

Thank you for telling me I'm not crazy. I needed to hear that.

I need to clear my head. I need to stop thinking I can repair this if I just try something different. I need to get back to ME and right now it is killing me that I don't know how to do that.

I have been too mentally wrapped up in trying to make something work that I can't control.

Actually facing that no matter what I do we may still split has been something I didn't want to look at.

[kalap]

"Your reaction to this confuses me some. Has he cheated before? Have you?"

 

I don't think he has cheated before, with me. He has cheated on past relationships many times and sometimes I have wondered if I am indeed insecure because of this. He has accused me of being insecure. Like I said, I have wondered that but most of the time I feel like my trust has failed because it is becoming obvious he refuses to put my feelings first.

What about that part was confusing? Maybe I could elaborate?

 

It really hit me when you posted the cheater manual points. Since they apply. And I have to look at the bigger points of why cheating is harmful, not just because of being with another woman. But because that one action shows so much disrespect and disregard.

 

Thank you for telling me I'm not crazy. I needed to hear that.

I need to clear my head. I need to stop thinking I can repair this if I just try something different. I need to get back to ME and right now it is killing me that I don't know how to do that.

I have been too mentally wrapped up in trying to make something work that I can't control.

Actually facing that no matter what I do we may still split has been something I didn't want to look at.

 

Of course you're not crazy and NTV is right that maybe the only thing that will work is to file for divorce.

 

 

Do you have kids together?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

What kind of spouse tells their partner they are looking to have an affair? One that has checked out of the relationship and no longer cares about you.

 

How do you listen to a spouse tell you they want to have an affair and you don't kick their ass out immediately? Tell him there won't be a need for an affair cause suddenly he is single and you are taking half his ish to boot.

 

If my wife even hinted at wanting to go bang someone else, I would gladly oblige by serving her with divorce papers saying "have at it, you're single now after all"

[Mr. Lucky]

He recently started working a second job, just one day a week at this store a woman owns. His main work is picture framing. Yup, guessed it, I mentioned woman for a reason. It isn't just that she is a woman though. It is because a couple of weeks ago he got a text from a waitress when he left his card where he had breakfast. Only the text was "thanks for listening to me, hope I didn't complain too much, nice to meet you. I wasn't going through his phone. He just happened to get the text when we were at the store and thought it may be my daughter. We have always checked each other's phones at times like that. He said he left the card as business. I always tell him he needs to promote more he said. Yes, I do, because he doesn't prove himself when he has perfect opportunity to so dropping a card a waitress very uncharacteristic of him. I asked what she wanted frames. He said he didn't they didn't talk much about it. Just she said moved and had bare walls. Another point, if you anything custom framing you know some young single waitress can not afford it. I made my points, some of them very loudly and he insisted for days it was business. Finally he admits he was wrong.

 

He admitted he was wrong or you browbeat him into admitting it?

 

That you feel the need to monitor and confront based on such an innocuous conversation seems more parent/child than husband/wife. On either end, I'd get tired of it quickly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

What kind of spouse tells their partner they are looking to have an affair? One that has checked out of the relationship and no longer cares about you.

 

How do you listen to a spouse tell you they want to have an affair and you don't kick their ass out immediately? Tell him there won't be a need for an affair cause suddenly he is single and you are taking half his ish to boot.

 

If my wife even hinted at wanting to go bang someone else, I would gladly oblige by serving her with divorce papers saying "have at it, you're single now after all"

 

This. The level of disrespect is breathtaking.

 

Your husband is having emotional affairs and he's looking for physical affairs if he isn't having one already.

 

He also has some nerve being defensive after the bomb he dropped on you.

 

Time to seriously consider a divorce. Gather evidence before you file.

[NTV]

"Your reaction to this confuses me some. Has he cheated before? Have you?"

 

I don't think he has cheated before, with me. He has cheated on past relationships many times and sometimes I have wondered if I am indeed insecure because of this. He has accused me of being insecure. Like I said, I have wondered that but most of the time I feel like my trust has failed because it is becoming obvious he refuses to put my feelings first.

What about that part was confusing? Maybe I could elaborate?

 

It really hit me when you posted the cheater manual points. Since they apply. And I have to look at the bigger points of why cheating is harmful, not just because of being with another woman. But because that one action shows so much disrespect and disregard.

 

Thank you for telling me I'm not crazy. I needed to hear that.

I need to clear my head. I need to stop thinking I can repair this if I just try something different. I need to get back to ME and right now it is killing me that I don't know how to do that.

I have been too mentally wrapped up in trying to make something work that I can't control.

Actually facing that no matter what I do we may still split has been something I didn't want to look at.

No that was enough additional information to clarify it.

 

I'm no longer confused about what you say even though I may be confused about other things or that would be irrelevant to this conversation lol.

 

Either way there's a lot of things that can help you right now but I think the biggest one is a journal.... it was what helped me the most anyways. For some reason it's a lot easier to filter through b******* when you write out what they said.

[ChristineArayla]

My kids are not biologically his. And the house was mine before we got married. So that does make things easier. I am torn. One day I think we can work through it, the next things like this happen. I want to do what is right but am so very confused as to what that is. I don't want to talk to him. I just feel sick.

 

To Mr Lucky -

Browbeat? That is one way of making an assumption!

Let's just say I may have. (Yet I did not.) If someone did go nuts and demand an apology for their SO leaving their number with a waitress and declaring a desire to have an affair, I can't say I would blame them. I have even seen very good friends of mine reamed by their SO and could only stand back and tell him he deserved every word. I didn't exactly light candles and make him a special dinner.

I'm writing for advice, not to be further beaten down.

[ChristineArayla]

No that was enough additional information to clarify it.

 

I'm no longer confused about what you say even though I may be confused about other things or that would be irrelevant to this conversation lol.

 

Either way there's a lot of things that can help you right now but I think the biggest one is a journal.... it was what helped me the most anyways. For some reason it's a lot easier to filter through b******* when you write out what they said.

Thanks for the advice! I think I will start a journal. I have before and it does help. I guess in the meantime try to figure out how to act around him.

[ChristineArayla]

This. The level of disrespect is breathtaking.

 

Your husband is having emotional affairs and he's looking for physical affairs if he isn't having one already.

 

He also has some nerve being defensive after the bomb he dropped on you.

 

Time to seriously consider a divorce. Gather evidence before you file.

 

As far as evidence, how do you think I should do that?

[kalap]

My kids are not biologically his. And the house was mine before we got married. So that does make things easier. I am torn. One day I think we can work through it, the next things like this happen. I want to do what is right but am so very confused as to what that is. I don't want to talk to him. I just feel sick.

 

To Mr Lucky -

Browbeat? That is one way of making an assumption!

Let's just say I may have. (Yet I did not.) If someone did go nuts and demand an apology for their SO leaving their number with a waitress and declaring a desire to have an affair, I can't say I would blame them. I have even seen very good friends of mine reamed by their SO and could only stand back and tell him he deserved every word. I didn't exactly light candles and make him a special dinner.

I'm writing for advice, not to be further beaten down.

 

 

Well then the only torment you have is of your liking for him.

It's hard I know...been there too.

It seems then that you're allowing this to happen to you.

You have to ask if he's worth it.

If you behavior has been honest and there is no wrong doing on your part then just move on. Yes there is plenty of fish in the sea and there is one that is just right for you (more than one I'm sure).

I have to also wonder if he's like that with you then how is he with your kids?

Personally, when I think of finding a partner, I think of how important it is that they love my kids and I don't see how that can be if they don't respect and love me.

 

 

p.s.

There's plenty of people here that don't know how to help out and are looking to judge - just feel sorry for them and move on, they don't deserve your attention.

 

 

Also help for me seems to be this forum...I am troubled too and putting in my perspective in situations like yours helps me find what is really important to me and will help me make a decision.

 

 

I don't see why you would need the evidence. Do judges care about infidelity any more if there are no assets to worry about?

O

Edited May 20, 2016 by kalap

[ChristineArayla]

One of things I am worried about is that my grandmother and aunt passed away and left me and the kids money a couple of years ago. It has been sitting in our savings account. Does anyone know if we would have to split this in a divorce??

[NTV]

Thanks for the advice! I think I will start a journal. I have before and it does help. I guess in the meantime try to figure out how to act around him.

 

I think you should disconnect have you heard of the 180?

[NTV]

To Mr Lucky -

Browbeat? That is one way of making an assumption!

Let's just say I may have. (Yet I did not.) If someone did go nuts and demand an apology for their SO leaving their number with a waitress and declaring a desire to have an affair, I can't say I would blame them. I have even seen very good friends of mine reamed by their SO and could only stand back and tell him he deserved every word. I didn't exactly light candles and make him a special dinner.

I'm writing for advice, not to be further beaten down.

 

I think mr. Happy was just trying to figure out whether your husband came clean on his own or what do you have to extract it out of him. In that context browbeating wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.... or I really mean it wouldn't be a bad thing for you to have done it would be bad that he didn't come clean on his own.

[kalap]

One of things I am worried about is that my grandmother and aunt passed away and left me and the kids money a couple of years ago. It has been sitting in our savings account. Does anyone know if we would have to split this in a divorce??

 

If you have money don't ask for advice here.

Even if someone knows or even has had a close experience, legal matters change from State to state and even municipalities.

A local lawyer would be the best to give you advice and as always make sure to look for rating of that lawyer online and ofcourse make sure he/she have a good background with divorce law or maybe deal just in divorce law.

[ChristineArayla]

Well then the only torment you have is of your liking for him.

It's hard I know...been there too.

It seems then that you're allowing this to happen to you.

You have to ask if he's worth it.

If you behavior has been honest and there is no wrong doing on your part then just move on. Yes there is plenty of fish in the sea and there is one that is just right for you (more than one I'm sure).

I have to also wonder if he's like that with you then how is he with your kids?

Personally, when I think of finding a partner, I think of how important it is that they love my kids and I don't see how that can be if they don't respect and love me.

 

 

 

p.s.

There's plenty of people here that don't know how to help out and are looking to judge - just feel sorry for them and move on, they don't deserve your attention.

 

 

Also help for me seems to be this forum...I am troubled too and putting in my perspective in situations like yours helps me find what is really important to me and will help me make a decision.

 

 

I don't see why you would need the evidence. Do judges care about infidelity any more if there are no assets to worry about?

O

 

He was great with kids at first. My older daughter especially. Now he has been, well sometimes borderline cruel. They are starting to be angry with him for the way he is treating them. Family outings I feel like I'm a circus leader. My younger daughter especially, she is one of those girls love everyone. You know the one teacher always start confrinces out by gushing how sweet she is.

I just don't know how it all got like this.

[kalap]

He was great with kids at first. My older daughter especially. Now he has been, well sometimes borderline cruel. They are starting to be angry with him for the way he is treating them. Family outings I feel like I'm a circus leader. My younger daughter especially, she is one of those girls love everyone. You know the one teacher always start confrinces out by gushing how sweet she is.

I just don't know how it all got like this.

 

 

Maybe you should ask for an honest answer from him as to why is he causing all this mayhem.

If this is affecting your kids then it's way more serious than I thought.

This is not adult thinking behavior on his part.

If he is unhappy, displeased or dissatisfied he needs to express it honestly with words that make sense.

[ChristineArayla]

If you have money don't ask for advice here.

Even if someone knows or even has had a close experience, legal matters change from State to state and even municipalities.

A local lawyer would be the best to give you advice and as always make sure to look for rating of that lawyer online and ofcourse make sure he/she have a good background with divorce law or maybe deal just in divorce law.

 

True. All in all though if it comes to divorce the money split would be a bummer but overall something I would get over.

[kalap]

True. All in all though if it comes to divorce the money split would be a bummer but overall something I would get over.

 

Yes it helps a lot of money is not an issue.

[kalap]

It's really dangerous to play the divorce game. I say it as someone who has seen the most change from my partner after being so serious about divorcing her but!

Not everyone will deal with it the same way.

It's wrong to suggest to someone over the internet to file for divorce...wait a little.

I'm sure there's more to the story than you are able to type on this forum.

 

 

It seems best to get him to agree to go to a few counseling sessions with you and also the two of you on your own.

 

 

In a way it is easy to blame one another when things get difficult.

 

 

I don't know how bad is his behavior toward your kids. If there is violence or bad words and heavy negativity on his parts toward your kids then you need to have another approach but if it is bad behavior that is not catastrophic then just go see a counselor or two as I said above.

 

 

Don't play the divorce game just yet.

 

 

It's possible that even as adults we can lose common sense and rational that we have gained over many year of being alive.

 

 

I'm not saying don't divorce but don't do that as a first card on the table.

[NTV]

Maybe you should ask for an honest answer from him as to why is he causing all this mayhem.

If this is affecting your kids then it's way more serious than I thought.

This is not adult thinking behavior on his part.

If he is unhappy, displeased or dissatisfied he needs to express it honestly with words that make sense.

 

It would be nice if it were that easy. Most folks can't be honest with themselves about a lot of things. I don't know why but cheating usually falls in that category. And if her husband can't be honest with himself how can he be honest with her?

[kalap]

It would be nice if it were that easy. Most folks can't be honest with themselves about a lot of things. I don't know why but cheating usually falls in that category. And if her husband can't be honest with himself how can he be honest with her?

 

I hear you...however I think that if you put the right words together and approach someone out of love and genuine concern then a rational adult will come to his/her senses and find a solution that will not hurt another or not cause further problems.

[ChristineArayla]

I think mr. Happy was just trying to figure out whether your husband came clean on his own or what do you have to extract it out of him. In that context browbeating wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.... or I really mean it wouldn't be a bad thing for you to have done it would be bad that he didn't come clean on his own.

 

I'm just a little sensitive to criticism right now ?

 

Yes, that he says what he means instead of just saying something to make it go away. I have wondered how much of it he says to get a reaction out of me because it just isn't logical. Like the wanting to have an affair then something like two weeks later he says he doesn't anymore. So now magically I need to get over it. But how do I do that exactly?? He is not offering to talk about the issue. And compounds it by doing something else hurtful, just as we get to the point we are getting along again. And by getting along I - lots of times after something happens there are a few days of silence, one of us can't take it anymore then we blow up, then back to a few of no talking again. Usually something comes Like a family function where we are cordial again and then bam it's over. No talking, he doesn't like to bring up the past he says. I don't think a week or two is the past.

Anyhow, yea, lots to get off my chest!