I'm a pompous douche

[Johnsmith1003]

I am 25. All my life I've had no one to support me on matters so I had no backbone. I would pander to appease even if I didn't like it. This led to many people using and abusing. Disrespecting and taking advantage. It led me to create a defensive mechanism to be skeptical of people, talk back, and to stand my ground and not care who I offended and bolster my opinions. This now developed to being what I don't want: pompous and an ass. The very thing I despised I came to be. It came to a head when the wife says I'm being rude and disrespectful (something that's very out of her comfort zone and unordinary). I feel if I become lax and kind again, it will be a repeat like last time. Is it really a fine line? How do I fix this? TIA

[carhill]

The fine line is respecting your own boundaries and communicating them clearly. If people choose to step over the line then they get what they get.

 

Lead with respect and brook no disrespect.

 

Since you're married you get valuable feedback from someone who ostensibly loves and respects you and, IMO, that content is worth a hard look at to balance out the often cold and cruel world out there.

[Emilia]

Another one for setting and communicating boundaries - BEFORE people cross them. It's a process, a bit of hit and miss while you learn and will take a while.

 

What you are going through is not unusual at all for someone in their early to mid-20s IMO.

[Johnsmith1003]

Thank you guys. Looks like I'll want to make my demands more explicit and less vague from here on. Sometimes I think they favor me too much and somewhat selfish but I hear you must look out for yourself prior to anyone else. Going to be a complex road ahead but when I'm undesirable I feel ashamed it seems immature. I want to act in a way that people want to be around me but one criticism or "suggestion" unwarranted and I'm off the deep end taking it personal. Always seem as though people mistaken kindness for weakness and naivety

[TaraMaiden2]

 

Improving your attitude does not mean, or even imply, you have to go all the way back to being how you once were.

 

Find your centre, and then sit there.

[Emilia]

Thank you guys. Looks like I'll want to make my demands more explicit and less vague from here on. Sometimes I think they favor me too much and somewhat selfish but I hear you must look out for yourself prior to anyone else. Going to be a complex road ahead but when I'm undesirable I feel ashamed it seems immature. I want to act in a way that people want to be around me but one criticism or "suggestion" unwarranted and I'm off the deep end taking it personal. Always seem as though people mistaken kindness for weakness and naivety

You can be very polite and nice when you say no, in fact you should be. You are also allowed to question people's flakiness (typical of your generation, fair?). It's better than letting it get out of hand. You will lose some friends probably because there are those that don't like boundaries (that's why they are your friend at the moment). I said no to someone recently who had been in my life for 7 years, as a consequence, he isn't in my life anymore.

 

Should have said no sooner

[Buddhist]

Boundaries require saying no at various times. That's just life. Trying to appease just leads to becoming a victim as you've discovered. You've only become a pompous ass because you feel threatened and therefore feel the need to fight, rather than just draw the line. The only adjustment to be made really is tone down the aggression when you feel manipulated. And believe me, people will try and manipulate all the time. :roll eyes:

 

I read recently. No. Is a complete sentence. That's really helped me because I would always feel the need to justify why I'm saying no to something as if I need someone else's agreement to actually decline a request.

[Tayla]

When a mind is open, so too are varying results.

 

I tend to balance out the dynamics of mutual regard. There is a way to say no in a yes (positive manner). Example: Person A says, I need you to stay over time, you say: yes I'll be leaving at 5 as I have obligations at xyz. Then do it.

 

If you want to be defensive then by all means say, I'm not your whippin boy! That will get ya out the door equally quick.

 

See the difference. ?

 

It won't happen in a day ... It will take modifications and staying in the moment.

[basil67]

I just started a thread about friends, favours and boundaries.

 

It's really important to find reasonable parameters for favours and stick to them. For instance, over the last few days, a friend was talking to me about wanting some clothing alterations done. I told her she could bring it to me anytime. But she was busy and asked me to come to her. In the end, I had to spell out for her that while I'm happy to do it, I don't do 'outcalls' because it's a PIA to pack, travel and then do freebie sewing.

 

Guess what? She decided to take it to her local alterations place instead of drive to me.

 

Win/win. I'm still good with her because I was prepared to do it, but I didn't have to inconvenience myself because I enforced my boundaries.

[basil67]

I read recently. No. Is a complete sentence. That's really helped me because I would always feel the need to justify why I'm saying no to something as if I need someone else's agreement to actually decline a request.

 

I'm still working towards this!

[seamos]

Just being aware that you're coming off this way and a willingness to do something to fix it is, I believe, a big step in the right direction. Because of this I don't think there's much risk of a "repeat like last time"

 

Trying to micromanage behavior that doesn't come natural is going to be pretty difficult, esp. since you're dealing w/ emotions too, so, like Tayla says; "It won't happen in a day".

 

I've often felt that my tendency to come off as a nice guy seems to give some people the idea they can walk all over me so I know where you're coming from.

 

Some people are just naturals at being strong yet polite and respectful and sometimes I've picked up little ways to deal politely w/ people that I disagree w/ by watching how these people that seem to come by it naturally do it.

 

(I consider myself to be somewhat socially dysfunctional.) LOL