Very critical/judgemental parents

[Trinity_84]

OK so I'm in my early 30's and for reasons I'd rather not get into right now, basically have found myself living with my parents again.

We never had that great of a relationship (they were very distant and I was always sensitive to that) but they are helping me through a tough spot right now.

 

They criticize certain areas of my appearance. Yes, even after all this time, after I've been independent and self-reliant, they still put me down for the way I look. They say mean things, like "you look horrible like that" and the like. I confronted them, saying that negative comments like that don't really serve a purpose besides making me feel bad about myself. They didn't say anything back and it has been kind of a cold, tense environment ever since. I don't really care if they don't like the way I look, everyone is entitled to their opinion. My problem is that they choose to voice this negativity showing no respect whatsoever. It is just not nice!

 

It's pretty clear to me that they are the root cause of my life-long low self esteem. I am hopefully starting therapy (again) soon enough; I know I am old enough to deal with this but since my relationship with them has never been too "warm" and loving and I am living with them for the first time in over 10 years, I don't know if I am being overly sensitive or if I have a point?

 

Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. My comments depend on what it is they are commenting on.

 

If you're an indie type with a lot of tattoos and piercings I can see that old folks would find it quite confronting. Your mum may still imagine you as her pretty girl. That's not to say that the criticism is OK, but it is understandable.

 

However, if they are critiquing you on your body type or because you wear pants instead of a skirt, then it's much harder to understand their point of view.

 

Not sure I've been much help - but first step in dealing with it is to see if they are being super picky or if they are simply conservative.

[SpiralOut]

You are not being overly sensitive. I think you are handling the situation well. You are standing up for yourself without being rude. Maybe things are tense because they aren't used to you doing that and they don't know what to think? Just a guess on my part. I don't know what you were like growing up, but if you used to be more passive, that might be what they are used to so now they are unsure of how to react. Sorry you are dealing with this.

[Tayla]

Yes I walked this path.

 

I tend to empathize with moving back home. We have a great opportunity to re-establish or rebuild our adult relationships. Boy was that a challenge to see a parent as human and sometimes more wise or terse then we care to admit.

 

Having a negative comment made is rarely welcoming. That sounds hurtful particurly when someone close says it. You spoke up and set a boundary. Well done!

 

A tidbit of wisdom that works wonders is to eloquently ask the person: Is it true?Is it kind? is it necessary. ? Chances are one of those questions will be a no, in which case... They need to be more mindful of what they say. You can't Unring a bell but you can close mouth and be silent.

[Trinity_84]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. My comments depend on what it is they are commenting on.

 

If you're an indie type with a lot of tattoos and piercings I can see that old folks would find it quite confronting. Your mum may still imagine you as her pretty girl. That's not to say that the criticism is OK, but it is understandable.

 

However, if they are critiquing you on your body type or because you wear pants instead of a skirt, then it's much harder to understand their point of view.

 

Not sure I've been much help - but first step in dealing with it is to see if they are being super picky or if they are simply conservative.

Yeah it's basically my tattoos that bother them. I ha e a s*** load of them.

 

Thanks every one for your replies. Sometimes I think I should just let these kind of mean comments slide, but when it happens I feel like I'm still that sad teenager that was always made fun of for not looking "normal". I guess therapy is in order. I wish my parents would go to therapy too, but they are old and set in their ways.

[Downtown]

I guess therapy is in order.

Trinity, I suggest you consider a therapist experienced in CBT, DBT, or EMDR -- all of which are used to treat BPD and some other PDs. Wrist cutting is one of the defining symptoms for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

For 15 years, I was married to a BPDer who did self harming. Yet, by themselves, the two symptoms you mention (cutting and low self esteem) are insufficient to establish a pattern of BPD symptoms. Rather, you would have to exhibit at least five of the nine traits at a strong and persistent level. I thus am only suggesting you discuss this possibility with a psychologist or psychiatrist.

[Cherryz]

Maybe you got all this stuff on your body that they ddnt picture you to have

and feel like you ddnt turn out the way they wanted you to be.

 

I think its ok for them to be honest. But keep saying that they dont like it every single day is annoying.

And its good that you did speak up and tell them that you dont like how they acting to you.

Thats the fist step if you ever want something to change.

They may got cold because they may have understand but still want to have some control in doing their way.

 

Either way you cant change them.

And you are in their space. So best is to move out once you are able to.

And maybe sometimes when they say negative stuff, start a other topic about something else that is positive. Even if its the weather.

Or walk away right away when they start about that one topic.

 

And since you are in their home and try to survive, dont go walking with tops to show off your tattoo much more clear.

Just adjust till you able to move out.

[d0nnivain]

First I'd do everything in my power if I were you to find alternative living arrangements. Getting away from a daily does of this mean spirited comments will help.

 

 

Next, as much as you like your body art, keep it under wraps -- long sleeves & long pants around them just so you don't have to hear it. Save the displays for people who appreciate that tattoos.

 

 

Finally, when they say something negative reply along the lines of "I'm sorry you don't care for my body art. I like it. If you ever loved me as a person, your son/daughter you will stop saying demeaning things to me because they hurt my feelings." Repeat as needed but do not otherwise engage or take what they say to heart.

[Satu]

Some people, especially older people, don't get the tattoo and piercing culture.

 

It's your body, and you have the right to do pretty much whatever you want with it, but they also have the right to dislike what you've done.

 

If they keep bringing it up, I understand that you would find that upsetting.

 

The only real fix for this is you moving out as soon as you can.

 

 

Take care.

[Trinity_84]

Trinity, I suggest you consider a therapist experienced in CBT, DBT, or EMDR -- all of which are used to treat BPD and some other PDs. Wrist cutting is one of the defining symptoms for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

For 15 years, I was married to a BPDer who did self harming. Yet, by themselves, the two symptoms you mention (cutting and low self esteem) are insufficient to establish a pattern of BPD symptoms. Rather, you would have to exhibit at least five of the nine traits at a strong and persistent level. I thus am only suggesting you discuss this possibility with a psychologist or psychiatrist.

 

Yes I am looking into that.

It's not like I self harm at all! I was very drunk and thought it would be the way out. Never done anything like that before or since.

[BettyDraper]

My mother loved to make rude remarks about my weight. This stopped once my husband called my father and discussed this issue with him. The two men I love most in my life basically told my mother to have several seats. My dad reminded my mother of how skinny she was when they first met. I am a size 12 and my mother is a size 16. She is prediabetic while I have normal blood sugar levels. I think my mother was just trying to make herself feel better about her size by taking shots at me.

 

All you can do is move out. Since you are living with your parents, they are free to say whatever they want in their home even if their words are hurtful. I do not condone insults. I just don't think you can tell your parents what to say when it is their house. Many people do not understand tattoo culture and have the old fashioned belief that a woman with many tattoos and piercings looks ugly. It sounds like that is your parents' thought process.

[NTV]

Imagine you have a child. The most beautiful little person in the world. You watch them grow up right in front of you. You learn the hard way when to bite your tongue and let them learn a lesson for themselves when you wished they'd have just listened to your words. You feel them becoming more empowered, independent, and you miss the times when they just wanted a hug and would come running when you walked in the door happy to see you.

 

 

You tried to show them by example how to be a good person, even though it meant suffocating your own selfishness sometimes... okay a lot of times. You deal with their attitude as they rebel as teens, you watch them being slowly beaten into submission by the responsibilities of the real world and paying bills and adult relationships. You wish even more they had listened to you because you could have guided them on how to avoid a lot of the pain they go through. You hope and pray that you taught them right, never feeling fully like you had enough time to prepare and regret every second you ignored them for the TV or newspaper or gossip or whatever else you wasted time on and can't remember.

And then one day they come back different. Adult. Independent. So many views that you wish they didn't have. So many that you are glad they kept. You still see you kid in there somewhere, but aren't quite sure how to deal with this new version of them. There is no guidebook, no training certificate, no college class that teaches how to be a parent. Not really. So you do your best. Add to that that you feel like you don't have much time left to be there and guide--so you say things more directly more often.

 

 

And that's all you can do.

 

 

So this obtuse comment where they express aren't happy that you marred what they saw as the most beautiful person in the world's body with tattoos... maybe that was a little rough... can you really blame them?

Edited May 25, 2016 by NTV

[BettyDraper]

Imagine you have a child. The most beautiful little person in the world. You watch them grow up right in front of you. You learn the hard way when to bite your tongue and let them learn a lesson for themselves when you wished they'd have just listened to your words. You feel them becoming more empowered, independent, and you miss the times when they just wanted a hug and would come running when you walked in the door happy to see you.

 

 

You tried to show them by example how to be a good person, even though it meant suffocating your own selfishness sometimes... okay a lot of times. You deal with their attitude as they rebel as teens, you watch them being slowly beaten into submission by the responsibilities of the real world and paying bills and adult relationships. You wish even more they had listened to you because you could have guided them on how to avoid a lot of the pain they go through. You hope and pray that you taught them right, never feeling fully like you had enough time to prepare and regret every second you ignored them for the TV or newspaper or gossip or whatever else you wasted time on and can't remember.

And then one day they come back different. Adult. Independent. So many views that you wish they didn't have. So many that you are glad they kept. You still see you kid in there somewhere, but aren't quite sure how to deal with this new version of them. There is no guidebook, no training certificate, no college class that teaches how to be a parent. Not really. So you do your best. Add to that that you feel like you don't have much time left to be there and guide--so you say things more directly more often.

 

 

And that's all you can do.

 

 

So this obtuse comment where they express aren't happy that you marred what they saw as the most beautiful person in the world's body with tattoos... maybe that was a little rough... can you really blame them?

 

I'm guessing that the OP has an issue with how her parents are expressing their disappointment with her tattoos.

 

Parents should be listened to in most cases. However, there comes a time when parents have to accept that they will not be around forever and that's why adult kids need to learn to keep their own counsel. Since parents are human, their advice is not always correct either.

 

My mother wanted my husband and I to use her real estate agent in order to buy our first home. She also wanted to accompany us during showings. I politely declined and my mother was offended. My response was "Mom, you aren't always going to be available to hold my hand. I need to learn for myself as a woman and as a wife." My mother grudgingly admitted that I was right and she was sorry for intruding.

 

It must be very hard for some parents to step back. I had to leave home in order to live for myself. That's why I'm suggesting that the OP move out on her own again.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah it's basically my tattoos that bother them. I ha e a s*** load of them.

 

Thanks every one for your replies. Sometimes I think I should just let these kind of mean comments slide, but when it happens I feel like I'm still that sad teenager that was always made fun of for not looking "normal". I guess therapy is in order. I wish my parents would go to therapy too, but they are old and set in their ways.

 

Yes they are set in their ways and once you get back into counseling and as time goes on you'll learn skills to not care what they say to you or what they think about your life choices. What counts is how YOU feel.

 

It's hard to move back home after so many years living on your own so I sympathize with you as that wouldn't be easy for anybody but due to your parents attitude and judgements it makes so much harder for you to deal with them.

 

Just know they have their own issues and emotional baggage that has nothing to do with you and their misery also is theirs not yours. Don't give them power to ruin your self esteem.