Cheating for 2 years and now she's pregnant

[eyepeg]

I am well aware of the damage that I caused. I am having a child with a woman I love but am not married to or in a real relationship with. I am leaving my wife "high and dry" and it will affect her greatly. Two toddlers may be out of a home, one could die the other will never eat or speak. I am damn well aware.

 

My wife called my "OW", who just hung up on her. When I got home from work she pretty much lost her s**t. Screaming, yelling, crying, swearing (she never swears). Wanting to know every detail of the whole thing. Wanting to now if I plan on leaving to be with "OW". Had sex and she told me to leave (the house is hers).

 

She said we have to bring the boys home. And that she just needed me to sign the papers and I could be done. And I owe her that. They are very young. 4 months and 1 year.

 

I know she is capable of caring for them. Financially, she can handle it. We aren't in the USA, we have a medical system and don't go into debt for health care. She is able to stay home for 1 year with 100% pay. To care for and bond with the kids.

 

But it is still fraud and something that I don't want to be stuck in forever.

 

I love my wife, I care about my wife in the way I care about a friend or sister. But I am not in love with my wife. I don't feel the need to protect her from everything and pussyfoot around her.

[dreamingoftigers]

What? Come on... how did I know where his wife had been? We absolutely used condoms.

 

Hey, just because I had never heard of it doesn't mean "it never happened."

 

Nor does it mean I was peeking in your bedroom window either.

 

But I wouldn't be as worried about the wife in that instance. Just saying...

[dreamingoftigers]

I am well aware of the damage that I caused. I am having a child with a woman I love but am not married to or in a real relationship with. I am leaving my wife "high and dry" and it will affect her greatly. Two toddlers may be out of a home, one could die the other will never eat or speak. I am damn well aware.

 

My wife called my "OW", who just hung up on her. When I got home from work she pretty much lost her s**t. Screaming, yelling, crying, swearing (she never swears). Wanting to know every detail of the whole thing. Wanting to now if I plan on leaving to be with "OW". Had sex and she told me to leave (the house is hers).

 

She said we have to bring the boys home. And that she just needed me to sign the papers and I could be done. And I owe her that. They are very young. 4 months and 1 year.

 

I know she is capable of caring for them. Financially, she can handle it. We aren't in the USA, we have a medical system and don't go into debt for health care. She is able to stay home for 1 year with 100% pay. To care for and bond with the kids.

 

But it is still fraud and something that I don't want to be stuck in forever.

 

I love my wife, I care about my wife in the way I care about a friend or sister. But I am not in love with my wife. I don't feel the need to protect her from everything and pussyfoot around her.

 

One year mat leave. Sounds Canadian.

If so, our government doesn't check shyte. And you most likely know that. Suck it up. Seriously.

[MidwestUSA]

I am well aware of the damage that I caused. I am having a child with a woman I love but am not married to or in a real relationship with. I am leaving my wife "high and dry" and it will affect her greatly. Two toddlers may be out of a home, one could die the other will never eat or speak. I am damn well aware.

 

My wife called my "OW", who just hung up on her. When I got home from work she pretty much lost her s**t. Screaming, yelling, crying, swearing (she never swears). Wanting to know every detail of the whole thing. Wanting to now if I plan on leaving to be with "OW". Had sex and she told me to leave (the house is hers).

 

She said we have to bring the boys home. And that she just needed me to sign the papers and I could be done. And I owe her that. They are very young. 4 months and 1 year.

 

I know she is capable of caring for them. Financially, she can handle it. We aren't in the USA, we have a medical system and don't go into debt for health care. She is able to stay home for 1 year with 100% pay. To care for and bond with the kids.

 

But it is still fraud and something that I don't want to be stuck in forever.

 

I love my wife, I care about my wife in the way I care about a friend or sister. But I am not in love with my wife. I don't feel the need to protect her from everything and pussyfoot around her.

 

 

Sounds like she's being more than reasonable, considering everything. Do it.

[wmacbride]

I am well aware of the damage that I caused. I am having a child with a woman I love but am not married to or in a real relationship with. I am leaving my wife "high and dry" and it will affect her greatly. Two toddlers may be out of a home, one could die the other will never eat or speak. I am damn well aware.

 

My wife called my "OW", who just hung up on her. When I got home from work she pretty much lost her s**t. Screaming, yelling, crying, swearing (she never swears). Wanting to know every detail of the whole thing. Wanting to now if I plan on leaving to be with "OW". Had sex and she told me to leave (the house is hers).

 

She said we have to bring the boys home. And that she just needed me to sign the papers and I could be done. And I owe her that. They are very young. 4 months and 1 year.

 

I know she is capable of caring for them. Financially, she can handle it. We aren't in the USA, we have a medical system and don't go into debt for health care. She is able to stay home for 1 year with 100% pay. To care for and bond with the kids.

 

But it is still fraud and something that I don't want to be stuck in forever.

 

I love my wife, I care about my wife in the way I care about a friend or sister. But I am not in love with my wife. I don't feel the need to protect her from everything and pussyfoot around her.

 

So this is how you treat this woman who has already given you so much?

You use her to have sex, all the while bemoaning that you are not "in love" with her?

 

Wonder how your ow would feel if she knew you just f@#$@d your wife all while telling her how much you care about her?

[dreamingoftigers]

I am well aware of the damage that I caused. I am having a child with a woman I love but am not married to or in a real relationship with. I am leaving my wife "high and dry" and it will affect her greatly. Two toddlers may be out of a home, one could die the other will never eat or speak. I am damn well aware.

 

"I aware of how I am screwing EVERYONE in this circumstance. Screw them. Especially the little kids with the severe health problems that live in the third world country. Screw them extra much."

 

My wife called my "OW", who just hung up on her. When I got home from work she pretty much lost her s**t. Screaming, yelling, crying, swearing (she never swears). Wanting to know every detail of the whole thing. Wanting to now if I plan on leaving to be with "OW". Had sex and she told me to leave (the house is hers).

 

She said we have to bring the boys home. And that she just needed me to sign the papers and I could be done. And I owe her that. They are very young. 4 months and 1 year.

 

I know she is capable of caring for them. Financially, she can handle it. We aren't in the USA, we have a medical system and don't go into debt for health care. She is able to stay home for 1 year with 100% pay. To care for and bond with the kids.

 

"Even though I committed to this whole process, I've already shown everyone how much I am capable of commitment. "

 

"Doesn't matter how much my wife can take care of those kids and put them in a circumstance 1000x better then where they are now, with covered health-care......and the fact that my wife WOULD be over 30 by now if we were high school sweethearts.......MY specialness is what matters here."

 

But it is still fraud and something that I don't want to be stuck in forever.

 

"Only my marriage should be a fraud."

 

I love my wife, I care about my wife in the way I care about a friend or sister. But I am not in love with my wife. I don't feel the need to protect her from everything and pussyfoot around her.

 

God help your sister.

 

[bathtub-row]

You can't and shouldn't stay with your wife out of guilt. But I do think it would go a long way if you would go through the motions of the adoption and let it happen. Too much is riding on it. And you can't really plead not liking the fraud when you did that for two years with your wife. So let her have her little family and then go your merry way. I think it's the only way to salvage yourself and others in this situation.

 

I'm actually heartened to hear about the kids. This is the ray of light that needed to happen. Let it be, my friend. Don't try to hinder the process in any way. As a matter of fact, knock yourself out by keeping up appearances and making sure these kids find their new home and their new mom.

[wmacbride]

You can't and shouldn't stay with your wife out of guilt. But I do think it would go a long way if you would go through the motions of the adoption and let it happen. Too much is riding on it. And you can't really plead not liking the fraud when you did that for two years with your wife. So let her have her little family and then go your merry way. I think it's the only way to salvage yourself and others in this situation.

 

I'm actually heartened to hear about the kids. This is the ray of light that needed to happen. Let it be, my friend. Don't try to hinder the process in any way. As a matter of fact, knock yourself out by keeping up appearances and making sure these kids find their new home and their new mom.

 

I get wanting to make sure the adoption goes through, but just make sure it is done for the right reasons. The right reasons would be that she would be a great mom to two little boys who need a lot of love

 

The wrong reasons would be to use these two little boys as a balm to soothe your guilt.

[bathtub-row]

I get wanting to make sure the adoption goes through, but just make sure it is done for the right reasons. The right reasons would be that she would be a great mom to two little boys who need a lot of love

 

The wrong reasons would be to use these two little boys as a balm to soothe your guilt.

 

I hear you. He already said that she woukd be a great mom, and that she's financially capable of taking care of them.

 

It's not relevant if his guilt is soothed. It's a nice side effect though. To use the kids only for that - yeah that would be bad. But there are plenty of great reasons for these adoptions to transpire. Let that ball roll!

[sidney2718]

I do comend you for coming clean about everything to your wife. If you don't want to be married to her anymore, then there is nothing else left to say. It is certainly better then stringing her along and putting her through a fake reconciliation process.

 

But I am absolutely heartbroken for the two little children who are the collateral damage in this and won't get the family and help that they need. Is there any way she can still go through with this as a single parent? Or is there any way to say married legally until the adoption goes through? The children won't be taken back after the divorce.

 

This is incredibly sad. Please make sure your wife doesn't hurt herself in any way.

 

I agree with you. But he didn't really come clean. He told his wife no details such as the length of time the affair has been going on. And he did not initially tell us about the planned adoptions.

 

Now he no longer wants to be married. It would have been so much better if he'd figured that out two years ago.

[minimariah]

But it is still fraud and something that I don't want to be stuck in forever.

 

two options -

 

a. sign the adoption papers. let the adoption go through, divorce & give up your parental rights completely = sign them off.

 

b. do not sign the adoption papers. divorce your wife; she can try to proceed with the adoption as a single parent - she can cite your abandonment and you being toxic & abusive and potentially dangerous to the children as reasons she's continuing with the adoption as a single parent... in most cases, this works.

 

I love my wife...

 

you don't love your wife. you don't even care for your wife; you care more about the bottom of your shoe than you do about your own wife --- the sooner you realize your definition of love is completely skewed, the sooner you'll heal & grow as a person.

[sidney2718]

her choice of words when he told her, i think i was something like: we just go matched (for adoption)

and what he wrote about her sending him pictures of the two to be adopted children, to me that showed that all she cared about was that project and she showed no feelings of jealousy or anger at him for betraying her with another woman, i got the feeling it was more the loss of the adoption than the loss of him that mattered to her. Just what i read from his story:) goodnight

 

Can't agree. She, having just been hit by a 2x4, shows him that she's been doing everything he asked. And they've been matched to two children in need. Isn't that what he wanted? Look at what she went through for him.

 

At this moment she's lost. She's in a strange town where she has no friends, she knows that he's leaving her in spite of the fact that she did everything he wanted including moving to this strange town.

 

We don't even know if she has a job.

 

What is she to do?

 

In a day or two, if not tonight, she'll be alone in the house or apartment they lived in. It will be empty and dark. The rejection in her life will be total. Never adopted and now this makes her sense of worthlessness total. Many here recognize this by worrying about her physical safety.

 

I shall not sleep well tonight thinking on this.

[sidney2718]

This is a HORRIBLE response.

 

You don't spread the body parts around the house! That's how the smell happens and the neighbours get suspicious!

 

Take a cue from Breaking Bad and do the acid thing.

 

 

Otherwise, yes, what an awful partner on so many levels.

 

Nah. If a jury hears the whole story they'll never convict.

[MidwestUSA]

two options -

 

a. sign the adoption papers. let the adoption go through, divorce & give up your parental rights completely = sign them off.

 

b. do not sign the adoption papers. divorce your wife; she can try to proceed with the adoption as a single parent - she can cite your abandonment and you being toxic & abusive and potentially dangerous to the children as reasons she's continuing with the adoption as a single parent... in most cases, this works.

 

I believe he mentioned something about her not being able to adopt as a single mom, due to her age.

 

And I would fear that citing abandonment and his abuse of her would give them pause to consider her mental state at the moment, despite the fact that she is the innocent victim in all of this. She'd essentially be starting over, and it could be three years, meaning kids other than the two already on the hook.

 

So, I agree with option A. Then may she find someone who cares for her AND her much desired family. I hope and pray.

[sidney2718]

We used condoms for awhile.

 

But we also got pregnant most unexpectedly not too long after he left his marriage for the final time.

 

To this day I literally have exactly no idea how it happened. Not a clue. I didn't trap him, it wasn't a wink, wink "accident," we weren't trying, I was on birth control, and I couldn't tell you anything beyond what is a wild speculation as to how it happened.

 

Google is your friend. No birth control method (short of surgery) is 100% effective. Look it up.

[MidwestUSA]

Can't agree. She, having just been hit by a 2x4, shows him that she's been doing everything he asked. And they've been matched to two children in need. Isn't that what he wanted? Look at what she went through for him.

 

At this moment she's lost. She's in a strange town where she has no friends, she knows that he's leaving her in spite of the fact that she did everything he wanted including moving to this strange town.

 

We don't even know if she has a job.

 

What is she to do?

 

In a day or two, if not tonight, she'll be alone in the house or apartment they lived in. It will be empty and dark. The rejection in her life will be total. Never adopted and now this makes her sense of worthlessness total. Many here recognize this by worrying about her physical safety.

 

I shall not sleep well tonight thinking on this.

 

Post #127. She has the means. She owns the house (I hope she changes the locks soon). She gets a year of maternity leave.

 

I hope she can find a support system. Perhaps she has one and OP conveniently left that out.

[minimariah]

And I would fear that citing abandonment and his abuse of her would give them pause to consider her mental state at the moment, despite the fact that she is the innocent victim in all of this. She'd essentially be starting over, and it could be three years, meaning kids other than the two already on the hook.

 

good thinking. i completely overlooked that. in that case, i agree - option a.

 

HOWEVER - this can go really bad; she clearly carries a lot of childhood trauma and if she uses the kids as some kind of selfmedication... it's going to be bad. i'd recommend some strong therapy and getting her emotions together first. maybe she should take a break from everything... not saying it's the right thing to do, the children might be her strength to move on but... this can turn out either really good or really bad. hard to tell.

[sidney2718]

Here is where I am confused. Its my understanding that it takes longer than a week to determine if the IVF worked. (Someone correct me on that if I am wrong but I dont think I am). So what if she is pregnant? Why did you give up if she only had the embryo transfer last week?

 

It just sounds like you have sooooooo much going on. IVF and 2 failed adoptions and now a third failed adoption all while undergoing IVF with your wife and now a pregnant OW. Evenjust in the last week, wow, another failed IVF (although again the timing seems like it should not be considered failed yet) and a match for adoption and you suddenly know you want a divorce. Its just almost, um well, just wow.

 

I agree on the wow.

[sidney2718]

Post #127. She has the means. She owns the house (I hope she changes the locks soon). She gets a year of maternity leave.

 

I hope she can find a support system. Perhaps she has one and OP conveniently left that out.

 

Thanks.

 

I saw that and it went out of my mind.

 

I went through the entire thread just now and I posted a number of responses as I went. Somehow, those responses seem to have come up out of order. I had not yet read #127 when I wrote the post above. But still, thanks for pointing out the error.

Edited May 25, 2016 by sidney2718
Paragraph added.

[MidwestUSA]

good thinking. i completely overlooked that. in that case, i agree - option a.

 

HOWEVER - this can go really bad; she clearly carries a lot of childhood trauma and if she uses the kids as some kind of selfmedication... it's going to be bad. i'd recommend some strong therapy and getting her emotions together first. maybe she should take a break from everything... not saying it's the right thing to do, the children might be her strength to move on but... this can turn out either really good or really bad. hard to tell.

 

Yes, it is. And we don't know her side of the story.

 

It's hard to believe the farce that had to have been put up by the OP to even get thru the approval for adoption. Simply mind boggling.

 

And the most recent IVF attempt? Poetic justice if it took. I'm working for a couple who went thru it, and had two embryos implanted. These TRIPLETS are simply the most precious things I've ever seen.

 

So, my secret wish is.........

[minimariah]

So, my secret wish is.........

 

you know... i actually hope that the author's wife isn't pregnant. having children with him will tie her up to him forever + she'll have to accept the OW in the form of a stepmother; that is a very bitter pill to swallow. and i somehow doubt that the author will abandon his bio child.

 

in this case, the last IVF attempt looks like a huge bullet - adopting the kids and getting rid of her husband forever would be the way to go.

[Liam1]

I am well aware of the damage that I caused. I am having a child with a woman I love but am not married to or in a real relationship with. I am leaving my wife "high and dry" and it will affect her greatly. Two toddlers may be out of a home, one could die the other will never eat or speak. I am damn well aware.

 

My wife called my "OW", who just hung up on her. When I got home from work she pretty much lost her s**t. Screaming, yelling, crying, swearing (she never swears). Wanting to know every detail of the whole thing. Wanting to now if I plan on leaving to be with "OW". Had sex and she told me to leave (the house is hers).

 

She said we have to bring the boys home. And that she just needed me to sign the papers and I could be done. And I owe her that. They are very young. 4 months and 1 year.

 

I know she is capable of caring for them. Financially, she can handle it. We aren't in the USA, we have a medical system and don't go into debt for health care. She is able to stay home for 1 year with 100% pay. To care for and bond with the kids.

 

But it is still fraud and something that I don't want to be stuck in forever.

 

I love my wife, I care about my wife in the way I care about a friend or sister. But I am not in love with my wife. I don't feel the need to protect her from everything and pussyfoot around her.

 

Eyepeg:

 

I am really sorry that you are being bashed so badly.

 

You came here for support and helpful advice and all you are getting is judgment from people who know nothing about the state of your marriage.

 

That is not helpful.

 

If you feel that the marriage is over. Then it is. The exit affair was not the best way to blow up your marriage, but what is done is done.

 

A marriage can look perfect on the outside, but be a living hell for one spouse for various reason. That's why we have divorce courts and no fault divorce. A divorce case is always a he said/she said case, and it's difficult to know what is really going on inside a marriage.

 

Whether or not she wants your comfort, now, she undoubtedly needs it. So give her whatever emotional support you can, despite her yelling and screaming and pushing you away. That is all normal, after the shock she has received. So try to be the bigger person and let all her ranting wash over you, while you still make an effort to be kind to her.

 

As for whether you should go through with the adoptions.......I think you really need to seek legal counsel.

 

The ramifications may or may not be fraud charges. But at the very least, if you two are married when the adoption goes through, you will be the legal father and responsible for their child support.

 

I don't know about your country, but in the USA, a single person can adopt a child, if they have the financial wherewithal to do so.

 

You said your wife earns $125,000 per year. So in the USA, she would have no trouble adopting in the USA. Particularly a toddler or a disabled child.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I am sad that your wife is going through this.

 

But in the end, if you no longer lover her, the best thing to do would be to let her go. But please be kind, even as she screams, rants and rails at you.

 

If you ever loved her, why not make the effort be kind, now.

[wmacbride]

Eyepeg:

 

I am really sorry that you are being bashed so badly.

 

You came here for support and helpful advice and all you are getting is judgment from people who know nothing about the state of your marriage.

 

That is not helpful.

 

If you feel that the marriage is over. Then it is. The exit affair was not the best way to blow up your marriage, but what is done is done.

 

A marriage can look perfect on the outside, but be a living hell for one spouse for various reason. That's why we have divorce courts and no fault divorce. A divorce case is always a he said/she said case, and it's difficult to know what is really going on inside a marriage.

 

Whether or not she wants your comfort, now, she undoubtedly needs it. So give her whatever emotional support you can, despite her yelling and screaming and pushing you away. That is all normal, after the shock she has received. So try to be the bigger person and let all her ranting wash over you, while you still make an effort to be kind to her.

 

As for whether you should go through with the adoptions.......I think you really need to seek legal counsel.

 

The ramifications may or may not be fraud charges. But at the very least, if you two are married when the adoption goes through, you will be the legal father and responsible for their child support.

 

I don't know about your country, but in the USA, a single person can adopt a child, if they have the financial wherewithal to do so.

 

You said your wife earns $125,000 per year. So in the USA, she would have no trouble adopting in the USA. Particularly a toddler or a disabled child.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I am sad that your wife is going through this.

 

But in the end, if you no longer lover her, the best thing to do would be to let her go. But please be kind, even as she screams, rants and rails at you.

 

If you ever loved her, why not make the effort be kind, now.

 

 

In a situation like this, the W is likely very angry hurt and having the op in her face with his "kindness" ( it's a bit late for that now) will just add to her despair.

 

 

The problem is that, from the way the op has made it sound, he is her sole support person. This is doubly cruel, as the very person who has stuck the knife in her back and twisted it may well be the only person she feels she can turn to. It's even worse if the only reason he wants to do anything for her is because he doesn't want to feel guilty.

 

This has the potential to be a powder keg, and I would highly suggest he try and find some other support system for her, such as any friends from her hometown, etc. and then, once he knows she has people she can call on, he should back off and leave her alone.

 

He's already shown, by having sex with her after he told her about his pregnant ow and that he is done with his marriage, that he is not in any sort of position to offer her much of anything right now. The best way for him o be kind would be to get a support system in place for her that does not include him, then give her the easiest divorce possible.

 

It is a good idea for him to seek legal counsel, especially regarding the adoption. It doesn't sound like he live sin the USA, and it sounds like this could be an international adoption. Each country has rules surrounding this area, and the one who will know those best is an attorney.

[WasOtherWoman]

Hey, just because I had never heard of it doesn't mean "it never happened."

 

Nor does it mean I was peeking in your bedroom window either.

 

But I wouldn't be as worried about the wife in that instance. Just saying...

 

Well, I was trying to be funny....

 

But, "our ex-wife" is a lovely woman but in our case, she was the one with the history of cheating, not us. I take no chances with my body...

[summerdowling87]

her choice of words when he told her, i think i was something like: we just go matched (for adoption)

and what he wrote about her sending him pictures of the two to be adopted children, to me that showed that all she cared about was that project and she showed no feelings of jealousy or anger at him for betraying her with another woman, i got the feeling it was more the loss of the adoption than the loss of him that mattered to her. Just what i read from his story:) goodnight

 

SO how would you respond if you spouse told you that they have been cheating for 2 years and will be having a baby with their lover and they want a divorce and they don't want kids with you?

 

How would you react???-(Plus you have no family or friends or support) SO?