Cheating for 2 years and now she's pregnant

[summerdowling87]

Understand that you will be painted as the bad guy,

 

Nah he did that himself.

 

Also unless your OW is be giving all of her attention to the new baby. It's going to be about that baby and the babies wants & needs not yours.

 

Unless she going to be a bad mom IMO that will happen so what are you going to do when all of her attention is on the baby and not you?

[Lady Hamilton]

Google is your friend. No birth control method (short of surgery) is 100% effective. Look it up.

 

I'm well aware of how sex works, even enough to say that not even surgery is 100% effective like even you claim, so thanks.

 

Frankly, I'm probably more knowledgable on the statistics relating to pregnancy, how to get pregnant, how to stay pregnant, and everything related to sex and pregnancy than the average human. One of the perks that comes with 5-figure debt from infertility treatments.

 

My point was that after almost a decade of IVF, fertility treatments, and losses, the fact that I randomly got pregnant and stayed pregnant while on birth control was a shock, hence, it's possible to get pregnant accidentally and with no idea how it happened.

Edited May 25, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[Lady Hamilton]

I am well aware of the damage that I caused. I am having a child with a woman I love but am not married to or in a real relationship with. I am leaving my wife "high and dry" and it will affect her greatly. Two toddlers may be out of a home, one could die the other will never eat or speak. I am damn well aware.

 

I think you're aware of it all on paper, but on an emotional level? You're not getting it.

 

My wife called my "OW", who just hung up on her. When I got home from work she pretty much lost her s**t. Screaming, yelling, crying, swearing (she never swears). Wanting to know every detail of the whole thing. Wanting to now if I plan on leaving to be with "OW". Had sex and she told me to leave (the house is hers).

 

Well, you got the reaction you wanted. Feel better? Did you leave? Where did you go? How did we go from wanting to salvage the marriage and present this other woman's baby as the replacement baby for your wife to you wanting out as fast as possible to you having sex with your wife and having to be ordered to leave?

 

And if you don't like the woman and want out, WHY ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH HER KNOWING SHE'S ACTIVELY TRYING TO GET PREGNANT?

 

But it is still fraud and something that I don't want to be stuck in forever.

 

You have been a pillar of honesty until now so I can see where telling a lie for the benefit of 3 people (one of whom isn't you) and fulfilling a promise you made to somebody else would be a struggle.

 

I love my wife, I care about my wife in the way I care about a friend or sister. But I am not in love with my wife. I don't feel the need to protect her from everything and pussyfoot around her.

 

A happy medium between tiptoeing around her and actively trying to hurt her and using her for your own needs while saying you don't love her would be nice.

[Raena]

OP: There is a part of me that hopes that the reason why your wife didn't end up pregnant by you is because she is meant to have children with someone else. I know it sounds odd, but maybe the reason why the IVF didn't work is because of the tension in your marriage. You never know.

 

You have been bashed several times already on here for your choices so I won't put my opinion in about that. I think you get the idea that what you did was so wrong on so many levels already.

 

I will say that I don't think you should help with getting her to adopt those children. It's not in your best interest to do that legally and being a single parent is hard. She may not realize that right now because she's so focused on baby, baby, baby... but she is still young enough to try again with someone else down the line.

[ShatteredLady]

I think that because this COUPLE has been through years & stress trying to become a FAMILY be are jumping on the fact that she wants children & seeing it as a solution.

 

She has been planning & fighting for a FAMILY, remember her H has done everything to give the impression that HE also DESPERATELY wanted a family. None of us can even start to guess if she wants to be a single mother!

 

She's loosing the whole dream, her FAMILY. Now that her initial shock has worn off it appears that those who said she was only interested in kids, not him, can reasses.

 

In real life I know a couple who went through all of this. It's one of those incredibly, indescribably hard things & the weak do look for an escape sometimes.

 

In their case the W became pregnant before she discovered the A & divorced him after blowing up WH & OW worlds at work. H is now single at the groveling stage.

 

I question if he would be leaving if the OW wasn't pregnant but it is what it is. We've talked MANY TIMES here on the difference between "falling in love" & true deep love.

 

This is such a sad mess.

[Sassy Girl]

I guess if OP could show a touch of empathy for the woman he shredded, then he wouldn't feel so bashed...just a thought.

 

Or perhaps... We just love a good antagonist

[ladydesigner]

I guess if OP could show a touch of empathy for the woman he shredded, then he wouldn't feel so bashed...just a thought.

 

Or perhaps... We just love a good antagonist

 

I think this is why most posters get bashed. The lack of empathy is chilling. This whole thread is like trigger central.

[underpants]

I think this is why most posters get bashed. The lack of empathy is chilling. This whole thread is like trigger central.

 

Perhaps why they never return to share results? Why would someone?

 

You guys run them off well, to salve your triggers and keep your 3% statistic lie.

 

Well done, I suppose.

 

I agree the lack of empathy is chilling. Its not all about ...you or your triggers.

 

OP, you would do well to seek the advice of a lawyer and don't have further sex with the wife if you are formulating an exit plan. It confuses everyone (including yourself).

 

Good luck.

[ladydesigner]

Perhaps why they never return to share results? Why would someone?

 

You guys run them off well, to salve your triggers and keep your 3% statistic lie.

 

Well done, I suppose.

 

I agree the lack of empathy is chilling. Its not all about ...you or your triggers.

 

OP, you would do well to seek the advice of a lawyer and don't have further sex with the wife if you are formulating an exit plan. It confuses everyone (including yourself).

 

Good luck.

 

Yep a pat on the back might work.

[TaraMaiden2]

The lack of empathy from members is merely a reflection of the evident lack the OP demonstrates for his wife.

He sheds crocodile tears.

we're not about to hand him a box of tissues.

Edited May 26, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[summerdowling87]

I'm glad that you told the truth.

 

In this case I'd say don't tell your BW the whole truth to me she seems way to fragile and I don't think she can take anymore "honesty".

 

Secondly how will your family handle you getting another woman pregnant and you leaving your wife?

[Liam1]

 

My wife called my "OW", who just hung up on her. When I got home from work she pretty much lost her s**t. Screaming, yelling, crying, swearing (she never swears). Wanting to know every detail of the whole thing. Wanting to now if I plan on leaving to be with "OW". Had sex and she told me to leave (the house is hers).

 

 

Eyepeg:

 

A handful of people in this thread are on my ignore list, so I do not see their posts. So, If my following comment was already mentioned I apologize.

 

I just noticed that your wife is asking if you "PLAN TO LEAVE FOR THE OW"

 

This suggests to me that she thinks there is chance you are NOT planning to divorce her.

 

I think it would be best to straighten this out as soon as possible, if you do plan to leave your wife.

 

A betrayal, a child soon to be born of that infidelity, and being left, is a triple whammy. It is extremely devastating to your wife.

 

Since she has no one, she definitely needs you to be kind to her. She will likely reject you and push you away, but since she has no one, IMO, it is still important that you remain kind and do not become cruel during the divorce. Your wife has been devastated and she will be emotionally fragile for a long time. Even if she pushes you away, please be kind to her.

 

Her screaming and ranting is normal and to be expected.

 

Also, again, think long and hard about marrying this OW.

 

It seems that you want a child and that is more than connection than actually knowing what you will be getting into with the OW.

 

It is really easy to think you are in love with an OW because they are always on their best behavior when you are around. It's not a marriage and it is not even a normal dating relationship. It's an affair. And, you may still be in the affair fog of infatuation.

 

Only 3 percent of marriages that are rooted in an affair survive. Do not take my word for it. Google it.

 

So, it might be best to not jump into marriage with the OW, even if you do divorce your wife.

[LifesontheUp]

I seriously hope you don't adopt then divorce. It is a long process to get through adoption and those children will be vulnerable with issues. That is not the right environment to bring children into!

 

We've been through the adoption process and the children have so many issues that will need to be addressed on a short term and even longer term ongoing process. Adopted children need to be brought into a stable environment not one that a bomb will go off shortly after.

 

How on earth can you consider doing something that could damage the children even more

[minimariah]

This thread is about you and how to help you.

 

constructive criticism, pointing out the obvious + help & giving useful advice... are not mutually exclusive. the OP is a bad guy here, the villain; denying that fact only encourages him in NOT taking the responsibility for his actions.

 

Perhaps all of these events were a catalyst for a necessary change?

 

for sure --- but the necessary change isn't the divorce (which the OP absolutely should do) but the change in his behavior & emotions; his nonchalant attitude managed to shock even those former OWs who are now very happily married to their MMs - the OP isn't aware of the damage he's done. & i'm not the only one who noticed that; so he needs to do THAT 1st - only then he will be able to grow as a person and actually make a significant change.

[underpants]

constructive criticism, pointing out the obvious + help & giving useful advice... are not mutually exclusive.

 

No, it is not, but bullying and bashing is not helpful. It just isn't.

 

the OP is a bad guy here, the villain; denying that fact only encourages him in NOT taking the responsibility for his actions.

 

Or he is a human being, in a, yes difficult situation, of his own making, sure. It is simply what it is. How can we help?

 

for sure --- but the necessary change isn't the divorce (which the OP absolutely should do) but the change in his behavior & emotions; his nonchalant attitude managed to shock even those former OWs who are now very happily married to their MMs - the OP isn't aware of the damage he's done. & i'm not the only one who noticed that; so he needs to do THAT 1st - only then he will be able to grow as a person and actually make a significant change.

 

You have been quoted in full context (unlike me). I agree that this will be a learning experience for the op. my thoughts are that he should end the limbo and commit to a decision. He has acknowledged the hurt and damage he has done. He seems to be figuring it out. Why not help him?

 

OP, consult with an attorney. When relationships end there is selfishness on both sides. Man up. Be kind, but man up.

[minimariah]

He has acknowledged the hurt and damage he has done. He seems to be figuring it out. Why not help him?

 

i don't think he is.

 

in the 1st post, he loved the wife. seems totally detached from his own personal story in a way that makes you think that the OP is actually making sh*t up; he loves the wife & thought about the possibility of raising his child he has with the OW... with her - IF she'll forgive him. he finally tells her; she doesn't react the way he expected and now he suddenly wants to divorce, doesn't love her and doesn't feel the need to protect her and all of that. can't find the middle ground where he'll emphatize with the wife at all; he then has SEX with her (?). all that time, he's in love with the OW and wants to raise a child with her.

 

he is all over the place. he's not even close to figuring it out and to be honest - i don't think LS can help him. this is way beyond LS. get the attorney, divorce, seek professional counseling... he already knows all of that. he knew it before he even opened the thread, i think he just wanted to vent and rant about it. the only aspect of his situation that LS MIGHT touch is the emotional one; harsh reactions might help him see the damage he did.

 

the bashing isn't helpful, no... but i somehow doubt it bothers the OP; he seems completely detached from the entire situation. it's like it's not his life at all.

[wmacbride]

i don't think he is.

 

in the 1st post, he loved the wife. seems totally detached from his own personal story in a way that makes you think that the OP is actually making sh*t up; he loves the wife & thought about the possibility of raising his child he has with the OW... with her - IF she'll forgive him. he finally tells her; she doesn't react the way he expected and now he suddenly wants to divorce, doesn't love her and doesn't feel the need to protect her and all of that. can't find the middle ground where he'll emphatize with the wife at all; he then has SEX with her (?). all that time, he's in love with the OW and wants to raise a child with her.

 

he is all over the place. he's not even close to figuring it out and to be honest - i don't think LS can help him. this is way beyond LS. get the attorney, divorce, seek professional counseling... he already knows all of that. he knew it before he even opened the thread, i think he just wanted to vent and rant about it. the only aspect of his situation that LS MIGHT touch is the emotional one; harsh reactions might help him see the damage he did.

 

the bashing isn't helpful, no... but i somehow doubt it bothers the OP; he seems completely detached from the entire situation. it's like it's not his life at all.

 

you are making a lot of sense.

 

This isn;t about him per se. It's about the new baby who will soon be here.

 

Quite frankly, he doesn't have time to waffle around. In a few months, he is going to be 50% responsible for the life of a new little person who has done nothing wrong and will be looking to him for guidance and the creation of a strong foundation for the rest of her life.

 

He needs to get his sh#t together so that he can be there for her. That doesn't automatically mean jumping form his M into a R with his ow. He has too much work to do on himself first, as he has so much baggae. He can still be a great dad without being with his ow right now.

[PennyP]

You are in tough situation. It seems that you would prefer to stay with your W, but also excited about the baby with the OW. Since there is a baby on the way there is no way you can go back to "life as normal." Your wife will find out one way or the other. Since she is going to find out anyway because you love her I suggest you tell her. As difficult as this situation is it is better she hears about the baby from you instead of someone else. I think once you tell her about the baby you allow her to make the decision as to whether she wants to stay in the marriage. The baby can bring happiness while at the same time it will be a constant reminder of her struggle with infertility and the affair. I know you have received lots of advice. In the end do what is best for your individual situation.

[elaine567]

You are in tough situation. It seems that you would prefer to stay with your W, but also excited about the baby with the OW. Since there is a baby on the way there is no way you can go back to "life as normal." Your wife will find out one way or the other. Since she is going to find out anyway because you love her I suggest you tell her. As difficult as this situation is it is better she hears about the baby from you instead of someone else. I think once you tell her about the baby you allow her to make the decision as to whether she wants to stay in the marriage. The baby can bring happiness while at the same time it will be a constant reminder of her struggle with infertility and the affair. I know you have received lots of advice. In the end do what is best for your individual situation.

 

Read the thread - he told her.

[PennyP]

"I love my wife, I care about my wife in the way I care about a friend or sister."

 

This is deep, expression of feelings.

Edited June 23, 2016 by PennyP
Learning how to quote

[Robert]

The thread starter has left the building so we'll close this one up.

 

Thanks,

~6