Re: confused and depressed

[Mrs. Kalea]

I am a 21 year old female who has been married for two years. Before I met my husband, I was going with a guy named "Gary". When I met my husband I broke it off with Gary. My husband and I started getting close, and we eventually married. Here lately, I find myself constantly thinking about Gary. I do things like ride by his house just to get a glimpse of him, I dream about him at night, and I daydream and fantasize about him. Let me tell you about both my husband and Gary. My husband is a cute, sweet, loving man, that most women would die for. He always seems to have my best interest at heart. He loves me with all of his heart. He is also my best friend--people have always said to marry your best friend. Gary on the other hand is also nice. But, when we were together, he was always shy around me, and I was always shy around him. He was one of the few nice guys left in my town. When I told him that I wanted to break up, he was devastated. Since our break up, I've always considered him as a friend. I've had the urge to tell him how I fell, but I talk myself out of it because it doesn't seem like a good idea. One day when I see him, I just want to tell him to meet me out of town (because we stay in a small town and people will jump to conclusions) and I just want to tell him how I'm feeling. I don't believe in divorce-- so that's out of the question, and I have no idea what to do. I don't have anybody that I can talk to so I hope someone can help me before I go crazy.

[Tony T]

So you are telling me that you are going crazy just because Gary doesn't know how you feel? I don't think so. So exactly what's Gary supposed to do if you tell him? Jump for joy? I don't think so. Is the quality of your life or Gary's life going to be better as a result of this disclosure? I don't think so. You have no intentions of getting a divorce because you don't believe in it. You're not even sure how Gary might feel at this point.

 

No useful purpose would be served by telling Gary how you feel, except to possibly piss him off...since nothing can come of it.

 

Why not just get control of yourself, think fondly of Gary, and move on with your life? And get over this thing that you have to tell every living soul your every thought about them. That simply is not the case.

 

You are a victim of what author Robert Ringer called "The Better Deal" theory (in his book, "Looking Out For Number One". No matter what situation you're in, you always feel there may be a better deal out there for you. And the truth of the matter is...no matter who we end up marrying, there is ALWAYS a better deal out there. Yep, there is always somebody out there that can be better for us. It's a very big world.

 

But you can "better deal" yourself right to your grave. You can deny yourself a lifetime of happiness by always thinking about someone else who might make you happier. When you have found someone you love and care deeply about, dedicate yourself to that person and STOP the shennanigans. Get Gary and any other men out of your mind. Start giving your husband the thoughts, feelings and dedication of your soul that you promised in your marriage vows.