Long Distance Thoughts

[dezzy1028p]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I'm really happy with this guy and we both care about one another. Currently he lives an hour from me and we see each other 3 times a week. He decided to go to another college in another state for one year to see if he likes it or not and if it will benefit him in his career path. If he doesn't like the college he plans on coming back home to pursue his goals here. He leaves in July and as the day draws nearer I'm getting more worried about what the future holds. We will still have a talk about what we both plan to do. We had short talks about this topic multiple times and he constantly reminds me not to worry. I told him that we both know long distance is difficult, but he tells me that he loves me, sees a future me, and that he will visit for holidays. We both know he wouldn't be there forever because he grew up here and all his family is down here. I know he is very close with his parents.

 

I do trust him, but I'm afraid of multiple things. I don't want the relationship to die out and we know how important communication is going to be. Physically seeing him is important and when I think about how I will adjust to him being gone is going to be extremely difficult. I'm thinking about my well-being and I will have to make constant reminders to not go insane, to not get jealous, to keep trusting him, and to keep calm. I've never done long distance butI know he's not going to be gone forever. I know that being busy is important while he is away. I understand that if we did do long distance, it will help us both to be stronger individuals and make our relationship stronger (atleast what I was told). I told my boyfriend that no matter what, I will be supportive in his decisions.

 

I'm a very spiritual person, so I keep praying about it that God will lead us both in the right direction and that he helps in make good decisions. I'm putting this situation in His hands. I don't want to let him go, and I don't want to go insane if he's away either. I'm just terrified for that empty feeling once he's away. But at the same time, we love each other and are both willing to try but I'm afraid of our relationship dying out and the distance which makes it difficult since we would be in two different colleges.

 

I also spoke with my mom about it (who is against LDR), and she said that if he plans on staying at the college out of state he is threatening our relationship and it's selfish of him. But I know that having a successful career is important for him as well...

 

I apologize this is very long and I hope it makes sense. lol I'm just confused and worried. I don't know what I believe in LDR since I've never been in one.

 

I dont know what to do..any tips about long distance? What are the pros and cons of LDR? Should I give long distance a shot even though I will hurt in the process? And i really dont want breaking up as an option..because that will hurt too.. Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it.

[chasingDragonflies]

Oh, girl. I feel you. Reading this, I feel like you and I are very similar people. I totally get your concerns about entering a LDR, and I want to share my experiences with you and hopefully they will prove insightful (full disclosure, this will probably be long)...

 

So when I was 14 there was a boy at my school that I had a major crush on but, even though we were good friends, I never told him, and then he moved to another state. Two years later we reconnected on myspace (lol) and we eventually revealed that we both had feelings for each other, and decided to try a LDR... and it lasted about a year, until we realized that neither of us were planning on uprooting our lives any time soon, and at 17 there's really no point in waiting for someone that you're never really going to get to be with. So we ended it, and I was heartbroken, of course. He was my first love. It's been five years since we broke up and I never could get over him, and about six months ago he reached out to me to tell me that he basically felt the same way and that he still loved me and wanted to be with me. He told me he wanted to move back out here so we could finally be together, and so we've re-entered the LDR in the meantime... But recently he was offered an amazing job, and now he is unsure about what he wants to do. I totally relate to your situation, and it SUCKS not being able to be in control. I'm trying not to pressure him to choose me, because his career is also important, but obviously I hope that he does. I too am very spiritual, and I can honestly say that this whole situation has caused me to doubt... Not that God will work his will and that it will be what is best, but that He won't answer my prayers, I suppose. Part of the reason I really wanted him to move out here is because he doesn't know God, but he's willing to come to church with me, and i know he won't do that on his own. Anyways, I'll be praying for you and your boyfriend, and that God will allow this situation to unfold in whatever way is best for you both.

 

Now, the pros and cons of being in a LDR...

 

Pros:

- you get to know the person in a new way... Because there is no physical aspect to the relationship, the only way to show affection is verbally, and you get to know your partner's personality on a whole new level.

- the intimate moments you share become incredibly meaningful. One heartfelt text can be enough to make your entire day. A Skype date can leave you feeling more in love with them than ever.

- It ultimately makes you stronger as a couple. I think sharing any kind of struggle brings two people closer together, and a struggle this big is definitely something that you bond over. You understand each other's sadness and your desire to be together.

- When you see each other again, you see that all the struggle was worth it.

 

Cons:

- if you don't get really good at communicating, it can be REALLY hard to stay together. you have to make time to talk, and you have to really do your best to make the there person feel like they're still involved in your life.

- jealousy. this gets easier when there's communication, but I can tell you that there will be times when you fear the worst.

- loneliness

 

Overall, if you think you see a future with this man, I say you should give long distance a shot. I disagree with your mom, and I don't think it's fair to say that he's being selfish for making his career a priority. That's kind of what being a college student is all about lol. I think you're handling this the right way by allowing him to make his own decisions and supporting them, as well as having faith that God is in control. And like you said, it won't be forever, and he seems to be committed to making this work as well. I don't think if you two are truly in love that you have to worry about it "dying out". I think absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that after spending time apart you two will have an entirely new appreciation for your time spent together.

 

If you're serious about making this work, here is my best advice:

 

1. Before anything, lay everything out. Make sure that you are both committed, and come up with a solid plan/goal to work towards. Don't allow there to be any room for ambiguity.

2. Do your best to send each other care packages in the mail (like their favorite candy, small gifts, hand written letters... it really helps), and maybe try to visit each other a couple times during the school year.

3. Remain cautiously optimistic. If you allow fear or doubt to creep in, it can completely overpower any hope of it working out, so you have to constantly reassure each other.

4. Keep praying about it!

 

I really hope you found some part of this helpful!

[dezzy1028p]

Oh, girl. I feel you. Reading this, I feel like you and I are very similar people. I totally get your concerns about entering a LDR, and I want to share my experiences with you and hopefully they will prove insightful (full disclosure, this will probably be long)...

 

So when I was 14 there was a boy at my school that I had a major crush on but, even though we were good friends, I never told him, and then he moved to another state. Two years later we reconnected on myspace (lol) and we eventually revealed that we both had feelings for each other, and decided to try a LDR... and it lasted about a year, until we realized that neither of us were planning on uprooting our lives any time soon, and at 17 there's really no point in waiting for someone that you're never really going to get to be with. So we ended it, and I was heartbroken, of course. He was my first love. It's been five years since we broke up and I never could get over him, and about six months ago he reached out to me to tell me that he basically felt the same way and that he still loved me and wanted to be with me. He told me he wanted to move back out here so we could finally be together, and so we've re-entered the LDR in the meantime... But recently he was offered an amazing job, and now he is unsure about what he wants to do. I totally relate to your situation, and it SUCKS not being able to be in control. I'm trying not to pressure him to choose me, because his career is also important, but obviously I hope that he does. I too am very spiritual, and I can honestly say that this whole situation has caused me to doubt... Not that God will work his will and that it will be what is best, but that He won't answer my prayers, I suppose. Part of the reason I really wanted him to move out here is because he doesn't know God, but he's willing to come to church with me, and i know he won't do that on his own. Anyways, I'll be praying for you and your boyfriend, and that God will allow this situation to unfold in whatever way is best for you both.

 

Now, the pros and cons of being in a LDR...

 

Pros:

- you get to know the person in a new way... Because there is no physical aspect to the relationship, the only way to show affection is verbally, and you get to know your partner's personality on a whole new level.

- the intimate moments you share become incredibly meaningful. One heartfelt text can be enough to make your entire day. A Skype date can leave you feeling more in love with them than ever.

- It ultimately makes you stronger as a couple. I think sharing any kind of struggle brings two people closer together, and a struggle this big is definitely something that you bond over. You understand each other's sadness and your desire to be together.

- When you see each other again, you see that all the struggle was worth it.

 

Cons:

- if you don't get really good at communicating, it can be REALLY hard to stay together. you have to make time to talk, and you have to really do your best to make the there person feel like they're still involved in your life.

- jealousy. this gets easier when there's communication, but I can tell you that there will be times when you fear the worst.

- loneliness

 

Overall, if you think you see a future with this man, I say you should give long distance a shot. I disagree with your mom, and I don't think it's fair to say that he's being selfish for making his career a priority. That's kind of what being a college student is all about lol. I think you're handling this the right way by allowing him to make his own decisions and supporting them, as well as having faith that God is in control. And like you said, it won't be forever, and he seems to be committed to making this work as well. I don't think if you two are truly in love that you have to worry about it "dying out". I think absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that after spending time apart you two will have an entirely new appreciation for your time spent together.

 

If you're serious about making this work, here is my best advice:

 

1. Before anything, lay everything out. Make sure that you are both committed, and come up with a solid plan/goal to work towards. Don't allow there to be any room for ambiguity.

2. Do your best to send each other care packages in the mail (like their favorite candy, small gifts, hand written letters... it really helps), and maybe try to visit each other a couple times during the school year.

3. Remain cautiously optimistic. If you allow fear or doubt to creep in, it can completely overpower any hope of it working out, so you have to constantly reassure each other.

4. Keep praying about it!

 

I really hope you found some part of this helpful!

 

I honestly wasn't sure if someone would reply, so thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It's nice to know I'm not alone in the situation either. I also appreciate the prayers too! And are you currently in a LDR with him?

 

My boyfriend mentioned to me yesterday that he will just use up his scholarship at that university which is for one year then come back home (because the university is extremely expensive with the tuition and dorming). So it gave me more ease knowing that it's just a year of LDR. He will be coming back down Thanksgiving for a week, a month in December, and a week in the spring so I do have visits from him to look forward to

 

It makes me look in a more positive perspective as I read all your pros. I never thought of some of them that way. Communication is important, I also am worried that through texting there may be some miscommunication but I'm sure that when we call things could get cleared up if that occurred. With the jealousy, I am more easily jealous than he is. I know that when he hangs out with friends he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, I get jealous because I wish I was with him when he tells me fun things that happened when he was out with his friends. I also know that if there's no reason or proof to be suspicious about him cheating whatsoever, I have no right to lose trust in him and be jealous. I'm also afraid that fear and doubt may creep in unexpectedly and start a fight that could have been avoided...but I'll leave reminders in my room and phone to stay positive all the time and keep myself busy to not think about anything that will bring me down. I know there's going to be struggles every now and then, but as I pray about it and as we do out best to make it work then in the end we can finally say we made it! It will definitely help us to focus on other parts of our life, make us more independent, and in a way find ourselves again. Thank you for the encouragement, motivation, and insight about LDR. I do love him, and we are both willing to make it work and support one another.

 

We agreed that next week we will talk about the plan and how we will communicate while he is away.

 

Again, I really do appreciate it! And I'm so thankful that you replied and can relate to my situation.

[goingcrazy101]

My first post here. Read your story and wanted to write made me think of an old girlfriend years ago.

 

I live in NH. When I was in college at UNH I met a girl on winter break who was home in NH but went to school at Tulane in New Orleans. We hit it off so well that when break was over we continued to stay together. Here is what I can tell you.

 

Back then (2000 ish) I didnt have a cell phone we had to talk on the payphone at my dorm she would call from her dorm which we did all the time. We stayed together for 2 years and saw eachother every break. I flew down there numerous times and she flew up here too. We had an awesome relationship. Sure you had some issues with taking things wrong then they were said but we saw it through.

 

Fast forward 2 years. She went for her masters in Spain. We tired long distance and lasted about 8 months it was just too hard with the time difference and the cost of calling all the time. We did grow apart and go our seperate ways in the end but I would do it again given the chance.

 

So my advice is give it a try. We didnt have cell phones to text and such back then like we do today. Keep an open mind and as long as you trust the person you will be ok. I will tell you that people change though not seeing someone for months then seeing them was hard at first but I think if your communication is good you will get through it. Let us know what you decide.

[Els]

I dont know what to do..any tips about long distance? What are the pros and cons of LDR? Should I give long distance a shot even though I will hurt in the process? And i really dont want breaking up as an option..because that will hurt too.. Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it.

 

Well.... to be completely honest, there are no 'pros' of a LDR, except for the fact that hopefully someday the distance will end and you will be with the person you love.

 

Now, that does not mean you shouldn't give it a shot. Heck I did it for 2 years and don't regret it - it was crappy while it lasted, but it led to many more happy years together after we reunited. It will be hard, it will be costly, and it will really test your relationship's strength. It's up to you to decide whether that will be worth it for a chance at a future together.

 

That reminds me, I suppose I have one 'pro' - you find out quite quickly if your R is strong enough to weather the storm.

[justwhoiam]

He decided to go to another college in another state for one year to see if he likes it or not and if it will benefit him in his career path.

Did he ask for your opinion at any point? I don't think it's selfish for the decision he made in itself, but it could be selfish depending on how it was made. Get it? And of course, he's young and sort of inexperienced, but that says a lot about how he really sees you, his personality and what you can expect of him in the years to come. Men can change some attitudes and often with great effort, but usually they hardly change. So keep that in mind in making your own decisions.

 

If he doesn't like the college he plans on coming back home to pursue his goals here.

Meaning he could stay there after the school year? Or? Sorry, but this is unclear.

 

he constantly reminds me not to worry.

That's his job as the man in the relationship and the one leaving and feeling like reassuring you. But it's little predictive of what can happen in the future.

 

he tells me that he loves me, sees a future me, and that he will visit for holidays.

Consider cheating in the process. Not because he feels like hurting you, but as part of his growing up before settling down. That might happen or not (the cheating), but you need to consider that could happen and decide how to deal with it if it happens.

 

I don't want the relationship to die out

You surely can do things to keep it alive, but in the end it takes two. So the outcome could be regardless of your efforts, though that's hardly acceptable in a lover's view.

 

when I think about how I will adjust to him being gone is going to be extremely difficult.

Adjusting is key. You can't just exude bliss all the time, because he might hurt his feeling and end up making him depressed, and conversely you can't come across as sad all the time, or he'll start thinking you'd be better off without him. So balance is key.

Prepare yourself for some crazy ongoing rollercoaster. If it's not going to feel like one for you, the better. But I guess it does for many in a LDR.

 

I told my boyfriend that no matter what, I will be supportive in his decisions.

That's easier said than done, though. Reality will be much more challenging than that. You might find yourself questioning lots of his decisions. Like he'll get an opportunity, and you fall into the background. When you'll face that for him friends come first, family comes first, school comes first and fun comes first.. it will take you a lot of spirituality to overcome the sentiment of just feeling like slapping his face repeatedly. Again, it might happen, or it might not, just put it in your list of "things I could possibly need to deal with if I want to keep the relationship going".

 

I also spoke with my mom about it (who is against LDR), and she said that if he plans on staying at the college out of state he is threatening our relationship and it's selfish of him.

By staying she means after that one year? Again, see my comment above regarding how he makes his decisions. That will help you be more objective about him.

 

any tips about long distance?

Having been in a LDR for around 4 years, with us being on different continents and having a 6-hour difference, I think I've seen it all. Lots of been there, done that. I realized that learning how to resolve conflicts is one of the best assets in the relationship. That's probably useful in any relationship, but in a LDR there are specific things happening or that we need to deal with that we wouldn't normally deal with otherwise. You might want to watch this with him:

and then talk about it together, regardless of whether you have ever had any fight/argument with him so far.

 

Another thing I feel like suggesting is: you have some time before he leaves. Make the best of it. Have memorable times with him. Do something crazy with him or for him that he will remember for the rest of his life and/or you'll remember for the rest of your life. Whenever either of you is looking back or having cold feet, either of you might resort to those memories together. So it's one of the most precious things you can have and that you can give him. Happy moments, memorable moments can stay with you forever. That's also valid for whenever you can meet each other in person during the LDR, and afterwards. And something that will make you different than anyone else to him.

 

Also, how does he usually express his love for you? Does he give you flowers, gifts? Or? Let him know that you don't expect things to change much just because he's away. Many men opt out of certain things just because they think like "I will do that when I'm with her in person" and underestimate the power of small gestures while being away. Or "she knows I love her (anyway)". That can kill the relationship over time. If for you it's just one year and you never usually fight, then I'd stay positive about it. But on the lookout. If anything goes with you, then you should be fine. I'm not like that. To me it's often a matter of principle and I need to know he'll go out of his way for me. Is he the kind who will or not so much?

 

What are the pros and cons of LDR?

Pros: testing your relationship to unknown levels is very predictive of what to expect in the future. Because in life it's lots about the unexpected and how you deal with it or react to it. It can enhance passion to unimaginable levels. The highs of the rollercoaster. And knowing your SO's inner thoughts if he lets you in. That's more easily happening when you talk for hours and hours, because when you're physically together, it's more about doing things together. The bond can grow stronger than anything.

Cons: the downs of the rollercoaster (sadness, discouragement, loneliness, rage, frustration, jealousy, you name it). Distance can make or break the relationship. I guess you'd want his effort to match yours, but that might not happen, and you might grow obsessed, exhausted, frustrated, dejected...

 

Should I give long distance a shot even though I will hurt in the process?

Is he worth a one-year pain? It comes down to that. But I think it'd be very superficial to break up with someone you love, just because he's away for a year.

 

the only way to show affection is verbally

Not really so. You can show love/affection using all 5 senses:

sight (when you see each other on cam, or he shows you something; when you read something he wrote/typed then it falls into the "verbally" category)

hearing (that falls into your "verbally" category)

taste (one's favorite candy to taste when the other is away, dessert, whatever; you can even cook for him and have food delivered to where he is)

smell (you can send or give your partner your own clothes with your smell on them, for instance)

touch (anything that can be touched and reminds you of him and vice versa)

 

sharing any kind of struggle brings two people closer together, and a struggle this big is definitely something that you bond over.

It can break or make the relationship.

 

My boyfriend mentioned to me yesterday that he will just use up his scholarship at that university which is for one year then come back home (because the university is extremely expensive with the tuition and dorming).

So if he won good money, then what?

 

I also am worried that through texting there may be some miscommunication

Yeah... so try to talk on the phone regularly too.

 

I get jealous because I wish I was with him when he tells me fun things that happened when he was out with his friends.

I hear you. Or when he brushes you off because they're waiting for him like on his birthday and you realize he planned stuff with people that shouldn't be as important as you are and maybe didn't plan anything with you at all? That hurts, girl. Or that he hangs up the phone quick to go sipping some drink with some female friend (among others hopefully), while you needed him bad and had waited for that moment for 3 days or a week... that sounds bad, I know, but it's part of the deal. One thing for sure, I won't get any crap from anyone, so it can get really heated. But through thick and thin, we're still together and our most recent visit was last month, so we must be doing something the right way among all the things we're doing wrong I guess. Edited May 26, 2016 by justwhoiam

[dezzy1028p]

Wow, thank you everyone for taking the time to read my story and situation! Having people respond with different experiences is really helpful.

 

Goingcrazy101: I am going to give LDR with him a shot Even though you went your separate ways in the end, you still would give it a chance. Are you saying you would have given it a chance with that same girl or LDR overall?? When reading what you said, I knew it was worth trying because you love someone. And I thought about it, and I feel like I would be happier if I gave it a try and gave my all in the relationship than just giving up on someone I love.

 

Elswyth: Thank you for the encouragement that even doing LDR are worth it it's crazy to think how people manage to pull through when not seeing each other for years. But I'm atleast aware that there will be challenges, that I should expect them, and that as a team, him and I will conquer those challenges together. You mentioned you did LDR for two years, what were some things you personally did to get through the years and how did you handle your emotions through it?

 

Justwhoiam: You made a big point that "in the end, it takes two." Your answers are very straight forward and I appreciate it how you look at the whole entire picture. Even if cheating is a possibility in any LDR, trust is definitely a must. I don't want to have any doubts and I don't have any reason to feel like he will cheat. And you're right that being supportive is easier said than done...I will give my opinion, advice and suggestions but ultimately it is his decision and that's also in God's control of what He has planned for him. And yes, he will be staying there, at most, it would be a year. Along with what you said, I will definitely make the best out of it. Of course as the day draws nearer I will enjoy every day that he is still here. When he leaves I'll think of it more as an "i'll see you in a few months" rather than as a "goodbye". I'll have to remind myself numerous times that it's not forever. I'm not looking forward to the pain (i'm sure nobody is when its LD), but out of a lot of thought...he's worth giving long distance a shot.

 

Thank you It makes me happy knowing I'm not alone, that people go through the same rollercoaster. It amazes me still hearing stories of how people go past the distance without physically seeing their SO. With all the encouragement, tips, and suggestions it really opened my eyes to the challenges I will face and how strong it can make me as a person and my relationship stronger. I have to be optimistic, try to be positive, and just pray for strength each day...and as each day goes by its a day closer to him coming back home.

[Els]

Elswyth: Thank you for the encouragement that even doing LDR are worth it it's crazy to think how people manage to pull through when not seeing each other for years. But I'm atleast aware that there will be challenges, that I should expect them, and that as a team, him and I will conquer those challenges together. You mentioned you did LDR for two years, what were some things you personally did to get through the years and how did you handle your emotions through it?

 

Oh, we did see each other as often as we could - we lived in different continents, so 'as often as we could' meant every 6 months, which wasn't nearly as often as we would've liked... but we definitely did not go years without seeing each other.

 

Besides the visits (we would start planning each one immediately after the last one ended!), regular communication was essential, as well as little things like gifts in the mail for birthdays, etc. And I had a solid group of friends and several hobbies, so that helped too.

[dezzy1028p]

Elswyth: Wow props to you!! I love hearing success stories - it's very motivating, encouraging, and keeps me in a positive attitude about it. I know saying goodbyes are going to be painful...but overtime in your LDR did you feel less stress and less depressed when they had to leave again? Do you get use to not seeing them that often? And I do have a few hobbies but I want to make sure I keep myself busy, so I'll be getting a gym membership as well.

[Els]

Elswyth: Wow props to you!! I love hearing success stories - it's very motivating, encouraging, and keeps me in a positive attitude about it. I know saying goodbyes are going to be painful...but overtime in your LDR did you feel less stress and less depressed when they had to leave again?

 

Haha, I wish I could say yes, but the answer is no. Every time I sent him off at the airport (he did most of the traveling), it was heartbreaking. But that being said, we were in different continents so we weren't able to see each other more than once every 6 months. In your case as you both are only in different states, it's likely that you will be able to see each other more often, so it won't be as bad.

 

Do you get use to not seeing them that often? And I do have a few hobbies but I want to make sure I keep myself busy, so I'll be getting a gym membership as well.

 

You do somewhat get used to it, yes. Especially if you have a full life going on. Make sure you focus on your career, as that is very important at your age and he himself is doing that.

[dezzy1028p]

I was doing fine the past month preparing myself for starting a LDR. I'm just coming back to my post because I'm starting to freak out again as he leaves next week. I know this feeling is normal, but I hate this uncomfortable feeling. I just really hope I get use to LDR after a few months but I'm scared of feeling depressed once he leaves because I know I may go insane..hoping that my insanity will go away. I'm going to keep myself as occupied as I can, but I just want all my fears about this LDR to go away...I want to be optimistic about the situation but it's like my mind keeps worrying me.