LDR Situation! What do I do?

[Mr. Confused]

Hello Everyone!

 

I am looking for suggestions, support, comments, criticisms, jokes, and whatever else you want to throw my way. Or if you want to just read a juicy story which may or may not impact your own situation, that is cool also!

 

I find myself in a bit of a relationship crises at the moment and well talking about it seems to work wonders. I am somewhat of an introvert and therefore keep a very small circle of people entangled in my relationship problems. Sometimes that isn't enough, so here I am reaching out to all of you beautiful people.

 

By the way, for those who read this entire story from start to finish, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It feels great knowing that people are out there ready to listen to my problems.

 

So here goes, grab a drink and something to snack on. You may be here for a while.

 

Our story begins around 2.5 years ago. I had been out of a horrendous relationship for a while and had finally found myself. I was finally content with being me and well at just that moment the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on walked into my life. We met in graduate school and was without a doubt the best time of my entire life (we were in the same program). She is from halfway around the world and had moved to my country to start a better life. Lets just say "my country" is in North America and "her country" is in the Mediterranean.

 

However, understandably her move to North America was not an easy one since her father had to stay behind for a multitude of different reasons. Because of this, my girlfriend had to deal with so many family issues on top of generally just missing those who she had grown up with for a large part of her life. We are both in our late 20s.

 

I puffed out my chest and told this beautiful woman whom I was deeply in love with that I would be her rock and support her through everything she was dealing with at home. Through the best of times and the worst of times I was there in a moments notice every single time. Because of the rough times I was also very understanding when she couldn't see me as often as we wanted because she had to be at home making sure that everyone stayed sane.

 

We fell deeply in love. I mean the whole nine yards, we talked engagement, marriage, kids, all of that beautiful stuff we both longed to have. We got very serious. What was so wonderful was how honest we both were. Never had I met someone with such an honest and open heart. Never in these 2.5 years did we have a single fight about serious relationship problems until now.

 

Unfortunately our relationship was always shadowed by the fact that eventually our time in North America would come to an end and she would venture back to the Mediterranean to reunite her family. But don't fear! Evening after Evening of deep talks we finally came to a solution. We hand picked a basket of countries that we could realistically move to, somewhat of compromise so both of our families could play an active part in our life!! But I was holding a secret, if push came to shove, I would chase this woman to the edge of the earth. If she wanted to live in the Mediterranean, I would be there in a heartbeat.

 

About 6 months ago, just after our two year anniversary, one of the proudest days of my life, my girlfriend and her family was bestowed with Citizenship. This pretty much happened in the blink of an eye and before I could even take it all in, she was gone back home to the Mediterranean. But we didn't fear, we stayed strong and our next step was to get engaged, we agreed this would be the security blanket that allows us to sleep at night. A true commitment to one another while we vicariously worked at planning our future. Life was good, I found the most beautiful ring I could find and I was ready to tell this woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Just a little over 3 months ago I packed my suitcase and jetted to the Mediterranean to ask her beautiful family if they would be willing to welcome me in as there son and if I could take their daughters hand in marriage. It was the first time I had met her father, they looked at me, they said "We wouldn't have it any other way, we love you and we see how happy you make our daughter". After those beautiful two weeks of seeing her country and learning so much more about her, I left even happier than when I came. Her father helped me plan the next trip in 3 months where she would stay with me for 3 weeks, I would propose and we would head back to her country for an extravagant celebration. Life was perfect, I was over the moon, I truly thought that nothing could bring me down. Boy was I wrong.

 

Also, everyone should know that at this point my girlfriend understood that the main reason for coming back to visit me was to go through with the engagement. Despite me wanting this to be a huge surprise. It was really hard to hide! I spent 2 months planning the most beautiful three weeks of our lives. Every detail. I was so excited!!

 

So about 2 months before her arrival, things started to change. She became very distant, emotionless, and generally cold. This was so rough on me because we were so use to expressing our feelings and talking through our issues. If I even asked the question "Whats on your mind, can we talk about it?" she would pull even further away and act as if my concerns were unfounded... This was rough, I started to see a counselor because I felt like my world was caving in. Probably the best decision I made because I feel I learned a lot of tools to help deal with those negative emotions.

 

Maybe this is unrelated, but there was also a pattern of "partying" more often. Something we didn't do to often in North America, maybe because she had less friends here. Dont get me wrong, this does not bother me whatsoever, but a couple nights a week of 5am mornings can cause a partners mind to think bizarre stories. Especially when you are 12 hours away.

 

Fast forward to today, actually 5 days ago. It felt like Christmas, arranging every last detail for her arrival. I get to the airport, patiently waiting for her, heart beating out of my chest (not sure if it was excitement of fear). There she is!!! As I reached in for a hug all I felt was coldness. I knew something was wrong. She pulled away completely, no affection, no kisses, no urges, nothing. I was so afraid, but to be honest I was so worried about her .

 

On the second day I am able to coax it out of her. That had to be the toughest dinner of my life. You know when your lips get all shaky before crying, try eating a meal like that hahaha...... I held back my tears, with the exception of a few and heard her out. The night is somewhat of a blur but her words went like this;

 

"I have to be honest with you. After being home with my family and friends, I dont know were I stand. I dont know what I want. I dont know what my passions are. I dont know if I could up and leave everyone. I just dont know. Now would be a bad time to get engaged."

 

Ouch.... I was so understanding, at all major junctures of our relationship I asked all of these questions and her answer was the same. "I know what I want, and I want you, I want our plans!"

 

My mind got messed up and I showed some weakness by asking if there was another man, if something happened, if I wasn't giving her what she needed, if I wasn't doing enough, if she was still attracted to me, if she still loved me, etc...... But what was I to do? I was put in a corner and let my negative emotions take hold.

 

We took another two days of talking about how she was feeling. Which she told me "I don't even understand these thoughts". She looked so rattled and it broke my heart. She told me this is why she had pulled away from me for the past two months. I told her,

 

"Look, I love you with all of my heart. My love manifests in so many ways. I love you as a friend, and as your friend I cant see you like this. I want to see you happy no matter what the outcome is. I will always be a phone call away if you need me. I will give you the time to think. but please don't forget all the good in me and all that I have to offer you. Also, please don't forget what I am willing to do for us because that has never changed. I will go to the edge of the earth to be by your side"

 

We both decided that we would need to cut the trip short. We couldn't bring ourselves to do all that we had planned. It would all be shadowed by what was going on. She just left home to think after less than 5 days. I feel unwanted. But I am staying strong for our sake. I am really hoping that my strength during her time of reflection will be enough to get us back on the same path. I guess I will be here waiting....

 

She told me this is not a question of us, it is more a question about herself. We are not breaking up. We are not going on a break. She is just hoping to pick up where we left off before the trip. And when things become clear we will pick up where the good and happy times ended.

 

I write to all of you with the following general questions;

1) Am I reading to much into this by associating it with breaking up?

 

2) Anyone have a similar experience and it brought you and your partner closer together?

 

3) Was showing my emotion and shedding a few tears just pushing her away?

 

4) Should I resume contact with her like it was before this trip or should I be taking a step back?

 

I am so confused. I just want to see her happy. And well of course I hope that happiness includes me. I have so much love to give, so much heart, and it hurts to feel that maybe she doesn't want or need it.

[lazcas]

I've read your story. It is a very sad situation to be in and it is totally understandable that you felt sad and cried when she was telling you how she felt, I don't see that as bad. I feel there is something else she isn't saying, probably someone she may be interested in, if her confusion was only because she wants to be in her hometown and she really wanted to be with you she would tell you to move there with her and she didn't that, did she?. She knows that you love her and that you would do it if she asked you to. If the relationship was as solid as you thought it were she would have told you how she felt much sooner instead of pulling away for two months. I don't think you are reading too much into it. The best for you right now is to take a step back and keep your mind busy. She needs to think and realize what she would be missing if she gets away from you.

 

I hope everything works out well for you, good luck

[LostOnes05]

Hello Everyone!

 

I am looking for suggestions, support, comments, criticisms, jokes, and whatever else you want to throw my way. Or if you want to just read a juicy story which may or may not impact your own situation, that is cool also!

 

I find myself in a bit of a relationship crises at the moment and well talking about it seems to work wonders. I am somewhat of an introvert and therefore keep a very small circle of people entangled in my relationship problems. Sometimes that isn't enough, so here I am reaching out to all of you beautiful people.

 

By the way, for those who read this entire story from start to finish, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It feels great knowing that people are out there ready to listen to my problems.

 

So here goes, grab a drink and something to snack on. You may be here for a while.

 

Our story begins around 2.5 years ago. I had been out of a horrendous relationship for a while and had finally found myself. I was finally content with being me and well at just that moment the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on walked into my life. We met in graduate school and was without a doubt the best time of my entire life (we were in the same program). She is from halfway around the world and had moved to my country to start a better life. Lets just say "my country" is in North America and "her country" is in the Mediterranean.

 

However, understandably her move to North America was not an easy one since her father had to stay behind for a multitude of different reasons. Because of this, my girlfriend had to deal with so many family issues on top of generally just missing those who she had grown up with for a large part of her life. We are both in our late 20s.

 

I puffed out my chest and told this beautiful woman whom I was deeply in love with that I would be her rock and support her through everything she was dealing with at home. Through the best of times and the worst of times I was there in a moments notice every single time. Because of the rough times I was also very understanding when she couldn't see me as often as we wanted because she had to be at home making sure that everyone stayed sane.

 

We fell deeply in love. I mean the whole nine yards, we talked engagement, marriage, kids, all of that beautiful stuff we both longed to have. We got very serious. What was so wonderful was how honest we both were. Never had I met someone with such an honest and open heart. Never in these 2.5 years did we have a single fight about serious relationship problems until now.

 

Unfortunately our relationship was always shadowed by the fact that eventually our time in North America would come to an end and she would venture back to the Mediterranean to reunite her family. But don't fear! Evening after Evening of deep talks we finally came to a solution. We hand picked a basket of countries that we could realistically move to, somewhat of compromise so both of our families could play an active part in our life!! But I was holding a secret, if push came to shove, I would chase this woman to the edge of the earth. If she wanted to live in the Mediterranean, I would be there in a heartbeat.

 

About 6 months ago, just after our two year anniversary, one of the proudest days of my life, my girlfriend and her family was bestowed with Citizenship. This pretty much happened in the blink of an eye and before I could even take it all in, she was gone back home to the Mediterranean. But we didn't fear, we stayed strong and our next step was to get engaged, we agreed this would be the security blanket that allows us to sleep at night. A true commitment to one another while we vicariously worked at planning our future. Life was good, I found the most beautiful ring I could find and I was ready to tell this woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Just a little over 3 months ago I packed my suitcase and jetted to the Mediterranean to ask her beautiful family if they would be willing to welcome me in as there son and if I could take their daughters hand in marriage. It was the first time I had met her father, they looked at me, they said "We wouldn't have it any other way, we love you and we see how happy you make our daughter". After those beautiful two weeks of seeing her country and learning so much more about her, I left even happier than when I came. Her father helped me plan the next trip in 3 months where she would stay with me for 3 weeks, I would propose and we would head back to her country for an extravagant celebration. Life was perfect, I was over the moon, I truly thought that nothing could bring me down. Boy was I wrong.

 

Also, everyone should know that at this point my girlfriend understood that the main reason for coming back to visit me was to go through with the engagement. Despite me wanting this to be a huge surprise. It was really hard to hide! I spent 2 months planning the most beautiful three weeks of our lives. Every detail. I was so excited!!

 

So about 2 months before her arrival, things started to change. She became very distant, emotionless, and generally cold. This was so rough on me because we were so use to expressing our feelings and talking through our issues. If I even asked the question "Whats on your mind, can we talk about it?" she would pull even further away and act as if my concerns were unfounded... This was rough, I started to see a counselor because I felt like my world was caving in. Probably the best decision I made because I feel I learned a lot of tools to help deal with those negative emotions.

 

Maybe this is unrelated, but there was also a pattern of "partying" more often. Something we didn't do to often in North America, maybe because she had less friends here. Dont get me wrong, this does not bother me whatsoever, but a couple nights a week of 5am mornings can cause a partners mind to think bizarre stories. Especially when you are 12 hours away.

 

Fast forward to today, actually 5 days ago. It felt like Christmas, arranging every last detail for her arrival. I get to the airport, patiently waiting for her, heart beating out of my chest (not sure if it was excitement of fear). There she is!!! As I reached in for a hug all I felt was coldness. I knew something was wrong. She pulled away completely, no affection, no kisses, no urges, nothing. I was so afraid, but to be honest I was so worried about her .

 

On the second day I am able to coax it out of her. That had to be the toughest dinner of my life. You know when your lips get all shaky before crying, try eating a meal like that hahaha...... I held back my tears, with the exception of a few and heard her out. The night is somewhat of a blur but her words went like this;

 

"I have to be honest with you. After being home with my family and friends, I dont know were I stand. I dont know what I want. I dont know what my passions are. I dont know if I could up and leave everyone. I just dont know. Now would be a bad time to get engaged."

 

Ouch.... I was so understanding, at all major junctures of our relationship I asked all of these questions and her answer was the same. "I know what I want, and I want you, I want our plans!"

 

My mind got messed up and I showed some weakness by asking if there was another man, if something happened, if I wasn't giving her what she needed, if I wasn't doing enough, if she was still attracted to me, if she still loved me, etc...... But what was I to do? I was put in a corner and let my negative emotions take hold.

 

We took another two days of talking about how she was feeling. Which she told me "I don't even understand these thoughts". She looked so rattled and it broke my heart. She told me this is why she had pulled away from me for the past two months. I told her,

 

"Look, I love you with all of my heart. My love manifests in so many ways. I love you as a friend, and as your friend I cant see you like this. I want to see you happy no matter what the outcome is. I will always be a phone call away if you need me. I will give you the time to think. but please don't forget all the good in me and all that I have to offer you. Also, please don't forget what I am willing to do for us because that has never changed. I will go to the edge of the earth to be by your side"

 

We both decided that we would need to cut the trip short. We couldn't bring ourselves to do all that we had planned. It would all be shadowed by what was going on. She just left home to think after less than 5 days. I feel unwanted. But I am staying strong for our sake. I am really hoping that my strength during her time of reflection will be enough to get us back on the same path. I guess I will be here waiting....

 

She told me this is not a question of us, it is more a question about herself. We are not breaking up. We are not going on a break. She is just hoping to pick up where we left off before the trip. And when things become clear we will pick up where the good and happy times ended.

 

I write to all of you with the following general questions;

1) Am I reading to much into this by associating it with breaking up?

 

2) Anyone have a similar experience and it brought you and your partner closer together?

 

3) Was showing my emotion and shedding a few tears just pushing her away?

 

4) Should I resume contact with her like it was before this trip or should I be taking a step back?

 

I am so confused. I just want to see her happy. And well of course I hope that happiness includes me. I have so much love to give, so much heart, and it hurts to feel that maybe she doesn't want or need it.

 

I hate to say this but you shouldn't hold out hope of her return. Her words are switching from "I don't know, etc." to "This isn't a breakup", but her actions are showing her need to distance herself from you. I understand how you feel, but prepare yourself in the event she doesn't come back. Think about this, does a woman who is absolutely in love leave her partner?...The answer is emphatically, NO. I've seen women stay with men they knew were no good for them, cheaters, addicts, abusive, etc. Why? Because in their minds they were in love, despite all those things.

 

I know it sucks but just back off and work on yourself. Try getting used to her absence in your life. If she comes back...great. If not, you will be well on your way to healing. If you have another conversation with her, you need to get a time frame on her final decision. Otherwise, you will be kept in limbo indefinitely.

 

Stay busy and focus on your own growth. Best wishes to you and stay strong!

[chapter44]

I may be in the minority here or some might even say to optimistic but I think you handled the situation like a gentleman and a man who is deeply in love and concerned for another human being. Many of these boards advocate acting "as if", going about your life or even finding someone new to pass the the time. In some cases that is appropriate but I don't see that in your case. You were genuine, confident, and self evolved. You spoke your truth and now you must wait for her reaction. Regardless of how she responds you should take pride in the fact that you were honest If need be you can walk away knowing you were principled, authentic, and real. There's no shame in that. If more people were as honest as you there would be fewer of these message boards for the broken hearted.

 

Best to you!

[unexpected]

Let me start by saying I'm sorry all of you're dreams did not come true. It sounds like you really had your heart and mind set on spending your life with this woman.

 

As a recently divorced man, and also a man in a 'confusing' LDR situation, my best advice is to get out and socialize with those around you. I, like you, am kind of anti-social. I don't have a large group of friends (working on it) and don't normally find myself going to public social events. But, you must! There is a lot of truth in the old saying "an idle mind is the Devil's playground". If you sit and think about things too much the demons will come calling. I promise!

 

Go out, make new friends, socialize, dance as if no one is watching (because they aren't really), go to movies, etc. You have to show yourself, and your GF, and anybody else looking that you are entirely comfortable with yourself! That you can go anywhere and do anything, whether it be by yourself, or with others. Boarding yourself up in your house doesn't make you look capable of being by yourself and it doesn't allow the World to see all that you have to offer.

 

Know your worth! You deserve better than to grovel after somebody to get the love and attention you need. She knows how to find you. I would tell her that. "Hey, I know you have a lot on your mind and a lot on your plate. However, I expect to place somewhere near the top of your priority list. Maybe not 1 or 2. But at least in the top 3. If I'm not there, I'll just go somewhere where I'm more appreciated. I know you say you want me, but your actions tell me that your want for me isn't as important as other things. I'm not judging you. We all make decisions that we feel are best for us and those things important to us. You've got my number. You know where to find me. I'm going to start working on my own life. I'll probably be available for a little while until I get myself grounded. But, after that, the train will leave the station at some point. I'd love for you to be with me then, but, if not, remember I love you and I wish you the best, but I must be moving on".

 

Then, go into NC mode and send the clear message that the ball IS in her court and that you aren't going to wait forever - as a matter of fact - she maybe hasn't heard from you in days - you may have already moved on with out her. Let her deal with the act of reaching out to you. You've clearly made your feelings known. She knows how you feel. The decision is hers on whether she feels the same way. Don't let too much grass grow under your feet waiting for her.

[Mr. Confused]

Hello Everyone!

 

I just wanted to thank all of you for the beautiful responses. I can truly appreciate the many different opinions of each and every one of you!

 

For those who are interested, here is a small update;

 

Although we cut the vacation short, we parted on good terms and are still in a committed relationship. However, she still needs time to think through her thoughts, primarily here passion in life, and make a decision concerning this. The ball is in her court. I cant lead her decisions or try and change her mind, these thoughts will just end up resurfacing in the future.

 

After talking some more over the phone, she reminded me that she still loves me and that I rank second on the priority list. First being sorting out her thoughts.

 

I have decided to be a support for her in this stressful time. Although it pains me greatly, at the end of the day I can tell myself I put in an honest effort to save this beautiful relationship.

 

I expect that the next little while will be quite the roller coaster ride. Although I support no contact, I think in this situation it may be a little drastic. So instead I have decided to take a more passive approach to our communications.

 

This may sound naive, but I strongly believe that my display of strength and support for her, coupled with all of the wonderful things I bring to this relationship will be enough to pull us through this difficult time stronger than ever. And if not, look I gave it my best shot, learned a lot, and have much to provide the next time around.

 

For all of those struggling with a similar situation, some things that have helped me are as follows;

 

1) Find a self help book for dealing with negative thoughts like worry and anxiety

2) See a therapist. It is OK to reach out for help!! This has done wonders for me in the past.

3) Go to the Gym, if that is not your thing, try going for a long walk!

4) Reach out to your best friend. If you found yourself drifting from your social circle they will help pull you back in!

5) Combat low self-esteem. I find one thing that works for me is that when I see a negative thought drifting into my mind, if I remind myself of how amazing I am and simply say "I need to neutralize this thought" usually the thought leaves as quickly as it came.

6) Writing on discussion boards. Even if you receive no response, the mere fact of writing down your problem and viewing it externally helps you rationalize.

7) Stay social! If you are an introvert like me, finding a team based video game which requires player interaction really helps to keep your mind off any negative thoughts.

8) Avoid alcohol and caffeine. Avoid caffeine because it will just increase your heart rate over an above the increase due to anxiety. This will further increase your anxiety and thus again your heart rate. This could lead to a panic attack. Avoid alcohol because although it will ease your mental anguish, the pain will be back tomorrow likely worse than it is today.

9) Meditate. It just works. (Free Guided Meditations | UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center)

 

Thanks everyone, please reach out if you have more comments or want to talk about anything!

[justwhoiam]

Hello Everyone!

 

I am looking for suggestions, support, comments, criticisms, jokes, and whatever else you want to throw my way. Or if you want to just read a juicy story which may or may not impact your own situation, that is cool also!

Hi, Mr. Confused. I'm starting off by saying that you sound much more mature than the average 20-something year old guy. That may be good, or maybe not, it's all relative.

 

I feel like too many details are missing to really offer you good advice or advice that can be somehow spot on for your case. I wish like putting in my two cents of wisdom or silliness, depending on how you look at it, but with too much information missing, it's just like wild guessing with no real purpose.

 

Nevertheless, there's a series of thoughts that came up in my mind while reading your post, so what you will read here will look like random rambling, just to make more chaos out of an already confused situation. But you never know how these things work, so maybe chaos adding to confusion will have some unknown effect.

 

I feel like I'm probably more imperfect than you are, so keep that in mind while reading anything I write. Also, I'm a woman and older than your girlfriend. That said, the best I can do to understand this "mysterious" situation of yours is trying to put myself in her shoes. That might be very misleading because I don't know:

a) if the Mediterranean country is a European country (poor or relatively rich) or a muslim/Northern African country

b) with question a) would go religious and/or cultural issues, that you never discussed anywhere in your post

 

You might be in California, she might be in Madrid, Spain. But who really knows.

My SO is on the East Coast and I live in a Mediterranean country, and our time gap is significantly less.

 

"I find myself in a bit of a relationship crises at the moment"

This must be some Freudian slip, because crises is a plural, isn't it?

 

"I am somewhat of an introvert and therefore keep a very small circle of people entangled in my relationship problems"

1. I think that some things about the couple should stay within the couple. Always remember that a couple involves another person, so while you're free to talk about yourself with others, when you start revealing stuff about someone else, this person you're talking about might not like that you disclose info about them.

2. You have a small circle of friends anyway? And how small is this circle?

 

for those who read this entire story from start to finish, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You're welcome.

 

3. How was your previous relationship horrendous? Why?

4. What do you mean by "I finally found myself"? Like you got out of some depression?

5. When you say "content with being me", do you mean about being all by yourself, or being yourself as if you couldn't be yourself before?

 

She is from halfway around the world and had moved to my country to start a better life.

6. How had she moved? She was just temporarily in North America like many other foreign students who eventually go back to their home countries.

 

"her father had to stay behind"

7. Why did you mention her father? She only has her father? Or also a mother? Or a larger family?

 

"she had to be at home making sure that everyone stayed sane"

8. Why such responsibility was on her? This makes me think that family members were pressing her to come back. She had wings to fly, though with a far-away family claiming her back.

 

9. On a side note, are you well off? Because people in LDRs often deal with financial issues, economic crisis, money never being enough etc, and you never mentioned that anywhere in your post.

 

"We fell deeply in love. I mean the whole nine yards"

10. Can you mention if she ever went out of her way for you and how?

11. How could you tell she was madly in love with you?

12. How often were you intimate while being together in North America?

13. Were you living under the same roof?

14. Where is your family?

 

"We got very serious"

15. What would you do for fun together?

16. Did you celebrate major holidays together?

 

"We hand picked a basket of countries that we could realistically move to, somewhat of compromise so both of our families could play an active part in our life!!"

17. So you felt the need to find a compromise not to end up being resentful if she chose to stay close to her family?

18. I can't think of any basket of countries that can be a compromise, if compromising means a 6-hour flight. That would mean both families far away, and no advantage to either of you. A compromise would be spending time with both during the year. Think of the relationship as a child with two divorced parents. It stays with one of the two, and all the holidays are with the other one.

 

"If she wanted to live in the Mediterranean, I would be there in a heartbeat"

19. What do you do for a living? Or if you want to remain vague, you work on your own or as an employee? Or are you still studying? Depending on that, you'd figure out if you can make as much money in Europe or wherever she is as in North America.

 

"my girlfriend and her family was bestowed with Citizenship"

20. How? You must mean Canadian or U.S. citizenship. And how could it be granted to someone who doesn't have a job there, nor is studying there? And to her family as well?? Very weird.

 

"our next step was to get engaged"

21. She said that's what she wanted? Was she eager to get engaged to you?

 

"A true commitment to one another while we vicariously worked at planning our future"

22. Uhm.. It looks like the only plan was being engaged, because neither of you knew what you both wanted next? I mean family, kids, etc are something you were wishing. So let's separate plans from wishes. Just one plan: engagement. Anything else: up in the air. Are you following me?

So there might lie the reason for second thoughts.

 

Also, she started having cold feet after your one and only visit to her home country and family. Which makes me think: what happened? What could have possibly be gone wrong? Her family likes you. No fights. You apparently had fun together. Everything seemed perfect. But as soon as you leave, there she starts having second thoughts.

 

Possible reasons: almost infinite. Some wild guesses: I would rule out anything practical, because that could be solved just by talking it out (like picking a different country, staying where she's at, etc.). Seeing you getting along with her family might be good or a turnoff somehow, if she saw you as lacking personality. Or maybe you didn't learn the language, not even a tiny bit, so that to her was a sign of disinterest in her culture/life/whatever. Or maybe you are too old in your manners? Do you ever go wild? The sex part was exciting while you were in the Mediterranean?

Also, she started partying wild. Your reaction: zero. I would be put off somehow. I'm not sure if I'm just one of a kind or what, but I am the essence of "Mediterranean" if any. It's not about being bossy with a partner, it's about understanding expectations and their culture. There's no being politically correct as in North America here, no one gives a .... about that. You're strong on freedom and being politically correct. Freedom doesn't seem to be an issue here, because everyone does what they want anyway, and politically correct is for people on TV who need to watch their mouth when they speak, especially politicians under elections. Anything else is out of place here. We're not British, so to speak.

Consider that she has different male models in her life. She chose you because she fell for you, but that doesn't mean she's marrying every aspect of your culture. How deep is your knowledge of her culture? Did you show any concern about her being out partying till 5 am? Repeatedly so? And I assume she drinks too?

 

"Just a little over 3 months ago I packed my suitcase and jetted to the Mediterranean to ask her beautiful family if they would be willing to welcome me in as there son and if I could take their daughters hand in marriage"

23. Ok, this got me lost. So you were going to ask for her hand, but not popping the question to her? Hmm. Is that how it works where she's at? Then waiting some more months and giving her the ring while on your knees? And did it ever cross your mind that all of that is very American?

 

It was the first time I had met her father, they looked at me, they said "We wouldn't have it any other way, we love you and we see how happy you make our daughter"

24. You went from "his father" to "they" and who are they? Unclear. I understand you want to make it as anonymous as it can possibly be, but that's also quite foggy.

 

25. Anyway, she has you on the hook. She turned cold feet as soon as you left, showing no concern for your own feelings, but I guess she was so much into hers that she couldn't take care of what was going on with you.

Not only that: she turned you off (and in my experience when you do that to a woman, more often than not she's a bad loser or not sucking it up that easily), she sized down the planned trip, she jeopardized the engagement you had envisioned and - cherry on top - also said she still wants the relationship. She's a genius. You know the saying that goes "you want your cake and eat it too"? Well, that's exactly her right now. So she has you faithful and committed, while she's entitled to have second thoughts. I confess my SO and I went through some similar stuff more than once. When he was distancing himself, at first I'd say "OK", then it was going more or less down this path:

Me: How long do you need?

Him: I don't know

Me: You don't know? I can't be in a limbo because you don't know what you want. I need to know how long you need.

And then various levels or craziness would follow. If I couldn't wait, he'd go like "Well, if you need an answer now, then I say let's break up". If he'd said to wait until "Tonight", then usually before then everything was back to normal. If the answer was "Next week, next month or a couple of months", then it was total storm.

But my overall impression is that someone wants out when they can't have it their way. Whatever that is (could be having another guy, you being more assertive, more jealous, more PDA, more adventorous, more exciting, etc.)

 

26. What are your interests? Are you into anything? I'm not sure women approaching their 30s value men too much into videogames, but I assume you're not like a nerd who's all day at the PC sucked into games.

 

"I learned a lot of tools to help deal with those negative emotions"

27. If you want to share the tools, please do so, I'd be interested. We all need to deal with some s##t soon or later. That's life. And at times, it's like there's a sequence of neverending s##t, so having ways to taking it easy is a huge benefit.

 

"Especially when you are 12 hours away"

28. You don't mean that as a 12-hour difference, do you? Because there's no place so far away in the Mediterranean.

 

29. When I've pulled away, he'd insist. When I'd storm out, he'd follow me. You seem to have a different approach, and that could be a further turnoff. I know it's not easy when someone pulls away. You don't know what to do. But if she loves you, she can't turn down hugging. It's not sexual, it's just affection. I guess your approach needs to take into account where she comes from. The "let her be" method wouldn't work with me.

 

"I dont know what my passions are"

30. Whaaat??? What BS is that? You have the passions you want, unless it's illegal or involves killing animals whatever, it's fine with me, except for anything creepy like post mortem or taxydermy.

 

"I dont know if I could up and leave everyone"

31. [Don't leave them!] You made it clear you can live wherever she wants. Either she's up with an act, where you end up saying you like where she lives and want to live there, so that she won't feel guilty for taking you there (in case you won't like it afterwards) [i know it's sounds twisted, but not impossible], or she just picked random BS to avoid the engagement. Basically, with that, she took time. Did she meet your parents? Does she like your family?

 

"My mind got messed up and I showed some weakness by asking if there was another man, if something happened, if I wasn't giving her what she needed, if I wasn't doing enough, if she was still attracted to me, if she still loved me, etc...... But what was I to do?"

32. Heck man, you're just human! Maybe you should have stopped at the 4th question, but I myself would have asked lots of questions. Maybe not right away, because if I start crying I can't speak...

 

"I don't even understand these thoughts"

33. Admitting she's totally clueless, she doesn't even need to defend herself. Did you see this happening in any other sphere of her life? Like running away? Maybe when she went to America, she sort of ran away? So that shows a pattern in her? Did you suggest her to talk to a counsellor to figure out what is wrong?

 

34. You professing you'll stick around even if she decides not to be there anymore might turn against you. Mystery about that works better. Or when someone's really desperate, trying the all or nothing card. That can work. If she fears losing you, she will think twice. Though you don't want to just be with you and unhappy, but that's clearly what it is like now. So you either dig deeper or tell her that you can't be led on like that, etc.

 

"We both decided that we would need to cut the trip short"

35. I think that was the worst decision you could take. That was your chance to turn things, to make it memorable, to have that spark back. She was clearly uncomfortable around you. And why? I'd write off not being attracted to you, or she would have given you different lines, and would have broken it off with you with much more ease. She clearly wanted it her way, without knowing if it was possible to have it with you. I don't rule out some other guy in the picture, with her being torn. I know there's a difference between pulling away not to lead you on and pulling away out of spike or because one is turned off. You need to get to the root of the reasons why she was pulling away, or how can you do the right thing?

 

36. Don't be the doormat waiting around. You must have your dignity. Was she ever strong for you in 2.5 years? Supporting you when you were weak or at a low point?

 

"She is just hoping to pick up where we left off before the trip"

37. Why don't you just skip the engagement? What if you didn't want that anymore? Would that make her happy? Would that drive her nuts or freak her out?

 

"Am I reading to much into this by associating it with breaking up?"

38. Oh boy, when you get to this point reading all my rambling, if ever, that might be the last of your problems

 

"Anyone have a similar experience and it brought you and your partner closer together?"

39. As I said, similar stuff has happened to us a number of times. It always went back to normal so far.

 

"Was showing my emotion and shedding a few tears just pushing her away?"

40. That can happen when she has not feelings for you anymore. But if she does, that was sweet and heartbreaking. And emotional. Knowing myself, I wouldn't be able to see him cry and not hug him. So I hope she just kept herself or she was just kind of spaced out.

 

"Should I resume contact with her like it was before this trip or should I be taking a step back?"

41. Don't ask a doctor the cure, if he doesn't know what the problem is.