Baby college-tuition saving? ugh.. trying to find out why husband keeps give me money

[thestaircase]

Hi, I'm sorry English is my third language, so I apologize for my not perfect English grammars. And the LONGGG post ahead, so please skip it if you don't have a few minutes to spare.

I know everyone time is precious, so I'm not expecting anyone to reply to my Vent/Dear Diary post type of post.. But if you can help, help answer the Italics part in the paragraph below and just skip the rest.

I was wondering, did you/do you save money for your baby college? If so, may I ask how much do you save a month? And was it save for public college or private college?

For baby college, how much do you need to save a month for public college? (Me and my husband we not rich; and private college is very expensive, I don't think we can afford private college).

How much is the usual amount needed to save a month for public college? Did you start saving it when your baby was a newborn? Did you specificly open the 529 college saving plan account to save for your baby college?

Or you just put the money in a regular 'saving' account and take it out later when baby go to college?

 

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Me and my husband we both Debt-free, zero debt. No school debt, No credit-cards debt.. We far far from rich. But we to Debt-free, and we both are not big spender; life is comfy for us.

We pay all our credit cards bills early every month. Once we get the bills, we pay it right away; so our credit scores is excellent.

Everything, including our bills are all pay on time early every month.

 

My husband very responsible with money, he work hard to secure for the future. He always make sure we have decent amount in saving accounts. He save for emergency/rainy days.

Every month we put money into retirement, and into our regular saving accounts. We do have our retirement saving.

We live BELOW our means.. To me, it is important that we must keep on continue saving money for rainy days. Eventhough we have decent money in saving already, but we still must keep on saving (especially we live in a HCOL state).

 

I'm very frugal. I'm a coupon person; I cut coupons, I save coupons, I use coupons.

All my clothes/shoes I buy are 'on sale' price. I shop in the on sale section/clearance section. When the holidays come and clothes goes on sale, I buy alot and save it to wear next season. I'm cheap like that.

My whole life I never own anything brand name. I don't need and don't like brand name stuff.

I don't wear make up, I never wear powder or liquid foundation on my face skin. I never get my nails done, I don't paint my nails. I never dyed or hightlights my hair, never get my hair done.. When my hair get too long; I just go for a dry cut, no shampooo no nothing. I save every dollar as I can.

 

Never once I ask my husband to buy me anything. I never ask my husband for anything.. Everything he did for me/all the things he buy for me; he did it all out of his own willing.

He knows all my life I'm frugal, but he still give me money everytime he gets pay (this is something I just don't understand). He said it my monthly 'spending money', spend it--use it on anything I want, go shopping and buy things for myself. He said he give it to me, it is mine.

But I don't want to spend his hardwork money, plus I'm a very frugal person.

I haven't use a penny of it, I open an addition saving account and put it all in there. Save it for our future baby expense, or save it for baby college, or save it for my husband; I just don't want to use it for myself.

I told him he can have it back any time he wants, but he just wont' take it back. He said I'm silly, and he said he will never take it back.. So that leave me with the only option of keep continue saving it.

 

Eversince I married him, he gives me money eversince and still giving me money. I know he wants to see me well taken care of, I'm grateful for that. But I have a minium wage job--it $10 an hour California minimum wage, but a job is sill a job. I have my own source of income.

I know he make 4x more than me. But he really doesn't need to give me money, especially when he secure everything already.

He already secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life. He really doesn't needs to give me money.

 

He have a full time job that pay weekly, and a part time job that pay bi-weekly; so he gets pay six times a month.. And he gives me money every.single.time he gets pay. Each time he gets pay he always give me $200 to $300; he give me that amount but six times a month--so times six, it does add up quickly. (It alot of money he gives me, he really doesn't have to do this).

The months he work more like holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas), or whenever he work overtime; he gives me more money.

 

There twelve months a year; the amount he gives me each month times twelves. It does add up.

(it probably not be alot to others; But I'm just a girl who work minimum wage jobs all my life, to me it alot of money).

I told him many times to not give me money anymore. But he still insist on give me and said he 'wants' to.

I told him straight out that I put it in the saving account, I don't want to use it for myself. I will save it for our future baby; when the baby comes this money can be spend on the baby--use it for baby expense, Or save it for baby college. At least this is something me as a mom I can do for my baby.

I told my husband that don't give me money anymore, but he keeps on insists that he 'wants' to give it to me. How can I make him understand that I don't want him to give me money everytime he get pays? How to word it to him to make him understand? Since he keeps on insist giving me money, I guess I don't have any other choice besides continue put the money in the saving account.

 

We got married 15 months ago, eversince I became his wife he gives me money eversince and still giving me money.

I still haven't use a penny of it. I have been saving it for 15 months already, and I will continue keep saving it.

I'm a girl with just a High School diploma (No college degree). So I don't know much about University/College-tuition, but I heard that the tuition will keep increase and increase.

So how much do I need to save to reach baby college goal? Would I have enough for baby college (public college) If I continue saving it for the next 18 years?

I haven't use a penny of it, and will never use a penny of it. It all still in the saving account.

 

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My mother discriminate against my husband, and disrespect him.. My Chinese parents disapproved my husband, they didn't accept him and still haven't accept him. My mother make it loud and clear that if I married him, she will disown me. And she did, she completely cut me off after I got married.

(Chose to married him, means my parents will completely cut me off and disown me; my mother basically force me to chose.)

Both my parents refused to give me their blessing, both refused to show up to my wedding ceremony.. Even till this day my parents still haven't accept my husband nor accept my marriage.

 

He was very keen on get married, (I wasn't pregnant when we married).

He said he loves me, he wants to married me. He was very keen on tied the knot, I agree to married him. And I just want to get married very simple, I don't need anything.

I didn't have an engagement ring. It was me that specificly said I don't want an engagement ring.

I married him with nothing.. There was No engagement ring. No wedding reception. No honeymoon. I didn't even get to wear a wedding dress, no wedding cake, nothing.

In all fairness to him.. It was "me" that chose Not to have any of that.

And I didn't want a wedding reception. Because frankly, there was No point of me to have a wedding reception when there nobody on my side of the family going to show up.. I asked myself, what's the point of have a wedding reception when nobody on the bride side of the family going to show up?

 

There no engagement ring.. But we do have our wedding rings, our simple plain matching wedding band.

And these simple plain gold wedding band is all we have. We didn't buy any new rings, we use these simple matching gold band rings that we both been wearing, turn it to our wedding rings on that day we got married.

There No engagement ring. No wedding reception. No honeymoon. I didn't even get to wear a wedding dress.. But No regrets, I have zero regrets. If I can go back in time, I married him this exact same way again; I wouldn't change a thing.

 

He treats me really really well, he is an awesome husband.. Marriage have been loving and peaceful; very peaceful, we don't even fight or argue.

I just don't understand why he keeps give me money everytime he get pays. I know he said he 'wants' to. But can it be that he try to make it up for me?

Married him, it result in my parents disown me. Perhaps he feels sad for me, so he wants to make it up for me?

Or perhaps he knows that all my life I work at minimum wage jobs, he feels pity for me so he wants to make it up for me?

 

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I have known him for 5 years, and NEVER once my mom care enough to met him.

Even till this day she still doesn't care to meet him, not even one time. To me this is like an indirect slap in his face to let him know how much my mother dislike him and disrespect him.

She very very unreasonable. NEVER once she care enough to give one single chance to met him. She doesn't even care enough to know his name, or anything about him other than his ethnicity.

She said alot of hurtful words. And disrespect him when she never met him before, not even once. How fair is that to him?

 

My husband knows all about my mother disapproved him, discriminate against him and disrespect him.

He knows everything. He doesn't care that my mother discriminate against him.

He knows everything about me, and accepted everything about me.. He accepted that this is our situation/circumstances. He face the situation and make the best out of it.

 

There No hate in his heart, there No resentment.. Never once I heard him say a word criticize my mother. Never once I heard him say a disrespectful word, a negative word or a bad word about my mother. Never once he complain a word about our situation/circumstances.

But then he never complain anyways. I Never heard him complain a word about his life, his jobs or anything life throw at him.. He said complain won't change anything. Don't run away, face the situation and make the best out of it.

 

I always blame myself that he doesn't have a MIL. I blame myself that my mother disrespect him. It self-blame, self-guilt that I live with inside everyday.

But a lady gave me advice--she said most men don't care about having MIL, they're fine with not having a MIL.. And she sure that my husband rather not have a MIL than have to deal with my mom (a MIL who discriminate and disrespect him).

She said my mom never want to met him, refused to met him, doesn't want to be his MIL. Take it as a blessing. Because my husband doesn't have to deal with the stress of dealing with a MIL who like my mom anyways.

I dunno, but I always blame and blame myself that I can't give my husband a MIL.

 

Anyways, my husband is the only guy I've ever been with, he is my first everything. Everything I know about men love and marriage is all from him. Sometimes I wonder is the things he do normal? Or why he keeps do the things he do, like why he keeps give me money every time he get pays, etc..

 

I have known him 5 years. But the first 2 years we were 'just friends'. I didn't agree to be his GF until after 2 years of knowing him.

I'm the girl in his neighborhood. Due to our close distance, seeing each others day in and day out; It not hard to get to know him well.

He said he wait for me, and he did what he said. After 2 years I agree to be his GF, then I make him wait another year into our commited relationship before I sleep with him; I want to make sure he the right one, and make sure I was ready.

So the first 3 years, there no sex between us.. I first sleep with him in 2014 (so sexually, it only been 2 years).

We got married on February 2015 (so it 15 months into marriage).

I don't know why he loves me, why he wait for me? Why chose me--a girl in his neighborhood to married?

 

He didn't give me money when I was his GF in our committed relationship. He didn't do this when we live together (we did live together prior to marriage; but it wasn't long, just under half a year).

BUT after we "officially" got married--I became his wife; he begin to give me money everytime he get pays. And he still give me money.

I'm just wondering why he do the things he do. I'm still trying to find out why he keeps insist on give me money, when he already secure everything from emotionally to financially. I live a stable steady and comfy life. I don't need him to give me money.

 

I don't know why he loves me, or what did I to to deserve him. I blame myself all the time that I can't give him a MIL.

I blame myself that I can't give him the perfect family with a MIL (a MIL that discriminate against him, a MIL that welcome him and accept him).

And I blame myself that I can't give my future children a maternal grandma. My mother did make it clear that I'm not welcome to drive back home to visit my dad anymore, and my future children are also not welcome. She doesn't want anything to do with me, or anything with my children.

And it beep hurts that my mom called me Dirty, and also called my future children dirty. According to her words, my future children are equally "Dirty" and shameful just like me--their mom.

It beep hurts, it just hurts so much.. I don't know if this lifetime/if until the day I died--IF I'm able to see my mother change her mind and accept my husband, or accept my marriage; and stop called me dirty, stop called my future children dirty.

Edited May 22, 2016 by thestairs

[healingsoul]

I would not be too concerned with why he is giving you money. He probably want to take care of you and it is his way to do so. Save the money for baby and college. You can go talk with your local bank and there accounts that are specific for college money that are tax free.

 

Consider it a blessing!

 

 

With regard to your M (his MIL) making bad comments, no one needs this in their relationship and she is wrong to call people 'dirty'. If she continues this way you need to set a boundary and let her know if she speaks so negatively you will have to limit your time with her.

[CarrieT]

OP, you will want to look at a 529 Savings: "A 529 Plan is an education savings plan operated by a state or educational institution designed to help families set aside funds for future college costs. It is named after Section 529 of the Internal Revenue Code which created these types of savings plans in 1996."

 

Read about it here.

[thestaircase]

Thank you Ms. healingsoul, Ms. CarrieT for the replies give me advice, I really appreciate it. Thank you again for for the advice.

Thank you Ms. CarrieT for the informative 529 college saving plans link.

 

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I had a dysfunctional childhood. My mother who abuse me in my childhood, belittle me, emotionally/verbally abusive towards me, even one time physically beaten me. I have childhood emotional baggage.

Back when I joined LS in Feb 2015, I did post a thread regarding my childhood. Thread title: 'I always have internal conflicts inside myself. Does ur childhood experience effect u as an adult?'

In my OP post I didn't mentioned about my childhood because I thought it was irrelevant. I mean the main point of the OP post is save the money my husband give me for baby college-tuition.

I don'rt know if my bad childhood experienced is the roots of all the problems. But eversince my childhood to my adulthood, I have zero self-worth. It always me blame myself, everything I blame on myself. Self-blame is what I live with everyday, and I'm extremely hard on myself.

 

Like I always blame myself that I can't give my husband a MIL. My husband doesn't have a MIL. I blame myself that my mother discriminate against him and disrespect him. It self-blame, self-guilt that I live with inside everyday.

Eventhough a lady gave me advice--she said most men don't care about having MIL, they're fine with not having a MIL.. And she sure that my husband rather not have a MIL than have to deal with my mom (a MIL who discriminate and disrespect him).

She said my mom never want to met him, refused to met him, doesn't want to be his MIL. Take it as a blessing. Because my husband doesn't have to deal with the stress of dealing with a MIL who like my mom anyways.

This lady advice probably is right. But I still blame myself. I don't know why I always blame myself, and I have zero self-worth. But this is just how I am, I always been like this, it not something new.

 

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Anyways, regarding how we keep financial, sorry I didn't say it clearly in the OP, I want to say it more clear here.

It is "Me" that keeps insist and insist to keep 'separate' financial. It like I blame myself that my mother discriminate against him and disrespect him, I blame myself that he doesn't have a MIL/no in-laws.. It like I purposely want to leave him a financial 'exit', that IF one day he regrets this marriage, financially he can walk out anytime he wants. It hard to explained, but I feel like that.

 

Back when me and my husband got married. I make it very clear insisting on keep 'Separate' financial after marriage, separate Saving/Checking accounts.. My husband make 4x more income than me, so 'the husband' clearly is the favor/beneficial from me want to keep financial separate.

I'm the one that keep on insist on keep separate financial. Frankly, he didn't have much of a choice, what can he do when his wife keep insisting on separate bank accounts?

Yes, this is my insist, and he pretty much have no choice on this.. If he want to married me, he have to let me have this my way. I make this loud and clear prior to getting married.

And he let me have it my way. We married and we keep our financial separate, my insist.

 

He always bank with Chase. I always bank with Wells Fargo. We both have our own Checking/Saving accounts there, and I insist on continue keep it like that after marriage.. NEVER once we had fights or arguments over money, there nothing to be argue about. Eventhough we have separate accounts, we completely financial transparency with each others.

 

My husband he very responsible with money, he work hard to secure for the future. Every month he always puts money in saving account in case of rainy days. He make sure we have a decent amount in saving, make sure we in a comfortable financial position. He save for our baby future and save for us, and save for emergency. He's a huge planner.

 

Me? Pfffffffff! I'm not a planner. I'm the girl that live paycheck by paycheck; because my job is minimum wage, it not much to save.

It him that worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life.. Thank you to him, I live a comfy life.

 

Yes, we have keep financial separate.. I'm the one that do checkbook balance, keep track of money, balances the checkbooks.

He doesn't like to go online. He doesn't like to do any banking/financial stuff related online. He Never do eStatements, everything is through paper mail home to him.

All bills all financial bills stuff, monthly credit card bills, saving/checking bank statements; are all mail home to him in paper. He like and prefer to keep Paper Statements for everything.

 

He wants me to help balance his checkbook for him. And I do help him, I balance it and let him check it over afterwards.

He wants me to check his credit card bills, check all transactions receipts; make sure the amount payment is correct before he pay off the bill.

Same with his bank accounts transactions; when the saving/checking statements come home, he wants me to help him check it.. He said he wants me to balance his checkbook.

All financial stuff related are all mail home in paper, he wants me to check it for him. We have complete financial transparency. He said I'm his wife, and he trust me.

 

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I know in my OP post, I said I marred him with nothing. And I don't want to to spend the money he gives me every time he get pays--I don't want to spend it to buy anything for myself.

I haven't use a penny of of it, it all still in the saving account.. I want to save it for our future baby expense, or save it for baby college, or save it for my husband; I just don't want to use it for myself.

I know this sound like he bully me, but he not.. It 'Me' that chose Not to spend a penny of it. I'm an adult, it not like he can force me to spend it when I don't want to.

 

He already secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life. He really doesn't needs to give me ' spending' money.. But he insist on give me, he said he 'wants' to. So that leave me with the only option of keep continue saving it.

 

Yes, never once I ask my husband to buy me anything. All the things he did for me/all the things he buy for me; he did it all out of his own willing,

The thing is I have zero self-worth, I don't even love myself. I don't want and don't need my husband to buy anything for me.. And it make me very uncomfortable when he keep dotes on me and pamper me. I'm just not used to it, it make me overwhelmed and uncomfortable.

 

He knows all about my dysfunctional childhood, and know I'm like this. I feel that he try to make it up fo rme.

Like last time we went shopping. He generously bought me five pairs of Demin jeans at Express in the mall.. I'm a jeans girl, I love those Denim jean sat Express. But the price is pricey it $85 a pair, (it probably not alot to others; but to a girl like me who work minimum wage jobs all my life, $85 for a pair of jeans is pricey).

He knows how much I love those jeans, so he bought me 5 pairs.. I guess he knows I'm frugal, knows I won't buy it for myself.

 

Everytime whenever we go shopping. He said buy clothes buy shoe, buy whatever I like; and he just pay.

He said he wants 'me' to chose. He thinks it best that I chose.. Because if he chose, he doesn't know if I like the style or if I like the color. So I grab whatever I want, and he pays.

 

In my Chinese culture, we don't give gifts for every occasions like how it is in the west.. We give cash money in every occasions; it just an Asian culture thing. It different from western culture where you put in the thoughts to chose and buy a presents for them.

My husband knows this about my culture, perhaps that's why he give me cash money? He said if he buy gifts for me, he doesn't know what specificly I like. Clothes he doesn't know what styles/brand/color I like, etc..

IF he buy something I don't like then I have to go return or exchange it. He thinks it best to give me cash, and I use it to buy whatever I like/I want.

 

Same with buy jewelry; he would take me to the jewelry store and let me chose whatever I like, and he just pay. He said he doesn't want to chose it for me.

He knows how much I love pearl and yellow gold. So he took me to jewelry stores in Chinatown, (because there have alot of the 18-karat yellow gold that I like).

I told him I won't go to with him to jewelry stores anymore. He bought me alot of jelwery already.. I have two pearl necklaces, a pair of pearl earrings, a pearl ring. Three pairs of gold big hoops earrings, two gold watches. They are all 18-karat gold so it not cheap.

It already enough jelwery that he bought for me, I don't want him to spend his hard work money on it.

 

I don't want to go the mall, or go to jewelry stores in Chinatown with him anymore. I feel that he pamper me and he waste his hardwork money.

He already give me everything, he secure everything from emotionally to financially.

Heck, he even gives me money six times a month/every time he get pays. (His full time job pays him weekly, his part time job pays him bi-weekly).

 

okay so the math:

So he gets pay six times a month, and he give me money every. single.time. he gets pay. Each time he gets pay he always give me $200 to $300; he give me that amount but six times a month, so $200 to $300 times six. That how much I get a month.

And there twelve months a year; so that monthly amount he gives me each month times twelves. It does add up.

(it probably not be alot to others; But I'm just a girl who work minimum wage jobs all my life, to me it alot of money).

I been saving the money he gives me, we got married 15 months ago and he been give me money eversince and he still give me money.

 

I know he wants to see me well taken care of, and I'm grateful for that. But he really doesn't need to do this, since he already secure everything.

His hardwork money doesn't fall down from the sky; he work his butt off for it. I mean he have a full time job and a part time job. Everyday he works long hours, he only have half a day off on the weekend.

Since right now we don't have any kids yet, I told him this is the time for him work more hours, holidays/overtime to make the extra pay, and save up more money as much as we can. save up more for rainy days, save up more for the baby.

He said as soon as I get pregnant, he will quit his part time weekend job; so he have the complete two days weekend off to stay home with me and my tummy, lol.. He said when we have a baby, he will only work Mon to Fri. He wants to have Sat and Sun off, so he can spend the two full days off with me and the baby.

 

We far far from rich, but we not starving. We both Debt-free, zero debt. No school debt, No credit-cards debt.. Due to being Debt-free, life is comfy for us.

Everything, including bills are all pay on time early every months. Never once we have a late payment, let alone a missed payment.

Food wise, it not like he not letting me starve or eating cans food. The refridgerator is always full of food, always alot of meat in the fridge: steak, salmon, shrimp, beef, chicken, pork, etc..

I dunno, I feel that as a husband, he try his best to provide. He secure everything already.

Past or present he always treats me really really well, it not like he bully me or anything.

 

I do appreciate him alot. It just that the more well he treats me, the more terrible I feel. It the self-blame that I live with inside everyday, due to my Chinese parents discriminate against him and disrespect him.

I feel terrible that I can't give him a perfect family where he have a MIL, have in-laws, have MIL that welcome him and respect him. You know what I mean? I dunno, but I blame myself alot. I need to work on this, it just so hard for me to overcome it.

[CarrieT]

OP your posts are disheartening at how much you break-down all the financial aspect of your relationship and your relationship with money.

 

It seems you are so wrapped up with money, money and nothing but money and how it affects you.

 

Is there a reason you can't just let go of that financial aspect and just BE in the moment, with your husband and yourself? As a Chinese, do you have a personal relationship with Buddhism or anything spiritual to life the weight of financial oppression that you are putting on yourself?

[Els]

OP, I think you should just relax and let him do what he wants to do. You're not asking him for anything, so anything he offers is his own accord. Have you thought that maybe it makes him feel good to be able to 'provide' for you? Don't try to fix what isn't broken IMO.

 

 

Is there a reason you can't just let go of that financial aspect and just BE in the moment, with your husband and yourself?

 

Money is strongly ingrained in Chinese culture. For instance, during Chinese New Year, we don't wish each other happiness or love or anything of the sort. We wish each other 'prosperity', and give each other money in little packets. The most popular number in Chinese superstitions is 8, which also symbolizes 'prosperity'. It's not an easy aspect of the culture to shake off.

[GunslingerRoland]

You need to learn about finances. This isn't 1980, you should not be saving for your child's college in a savings account. Read, read, read. Learn about investment strategies, learn about education savings plans. I don't know exactly what is available in America, but I know in Canada the government will throw in a lot of free money and I think it is the same there.

 

Anyway, my suggestion is maybe instead of making one life story post... try breaking down your various life concerns into different posts, because while you forewarned about being long, this is really your whole relationship story, and it's hard to give you any coherent advice when the question is so all over the place.