BF Had GFs for Two Years - No One Knew!!!!!

[EbonyBrown]

Hi,

 

 

I'm writing mostly because I am about to go crazy. I have such incredible anger and rage, I don't know what to do. Please bear with me and I need your support.

 

 

My boyfriend of two years was acting a bit off, not spending as much time with me and being somewhat mean. His mother just got diagnosed with cancer and given that I had lost my mother a little while before, I was trying to be patient.

 

 

It was a few days before his birthday and he started telling me he was going to DC to take care of his mother and I wouldn't be able to spend time with him. I wasn't happy about that.

 

 

Then I saw him punch in his voicemail code and I took the opportunity to snoop. And guess what found?

 

 

A woman had left several messages to say hi, meet up with him, thank him for gifts, and even something about baggage restrictions. I found out her name and asked him about her and he said she was just a colleague.

 

 

I decided to contact her directly. At first she wouldn't respond to me but then I'd hear her message to him at night. So finally I bombarded her with photos of us and said we had been together for over 2 years and I wanted to know who she was.

 

 

She responded, "I have been with him for 6.5 years and this is the first time I have heard of you or of this"

 

 

So I wrote her back, "That's impossible!!! I spent the holidays with his family."

 

 

Long story short, we tricked him and he had to face us both. We figured out when I was traveling was when he was spending more time with her. But it gets worse.

 

 

Apparently they were suppose to get ENGAGED!!! He was suppose to propose the first week of June and basically just didn't show up. They broke up all the time apparently so she just stopped talking to him until they reconnected in the early fall. What I found out is that he wasn't going to be in DC for his sick mother, he was going to GO ON A VACATION TO SAINT THOMAS with her!!

 

 

I am having such a hard time with this. The deceit, the lies, the cheating (we even figured out he was sleeping with us both, unprotected.) I have said nasty things to him - because I am filled with hate and anger.

 

 

The crazy thing is that he doesn't seem to feel remorseful. When we have talked, he has focused on how I responded. I seriously think he's a sociopath. And apparently he has cheated extensively on other girlfriends. We live in the same neighborhood and when the other girl said she thought she was the only one for 6.5 years, I had to tell her I knew of four other women in my neighborhood alone who he had dated since then.

 

 

I did say some horrible things about him losing his mother - because I wanted him to feel as much pain as I had. I told him that Karma was going to get him. A few months after I said that his mother actually died so I felt horrible.

 

 

Anyway, I realize this sounds like a crazy soap opera. I can't believe its true. I want to get revenge on him in every way possible. And I'm going crazy over it. And I'm sad at the same time. I already lost my mother, this is like going through another death. And I found all this out AND lost my relationship on the same day.

 

 

If anyone has any words of advice or can offer some comfort, I definitely need it. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

 

 

Thanks for listening

 

 

EB

[LostOnes05]

He did you wrong and isn't remorseful...you should be angry. And ok, what you said about his mom probably wasn't nice but he did use a dying woman as cover to go on vacation with another woman, so I doubt he is torn up about it.

 

I'd venture to say you don't miss him, but the idea of what you thought he was before this revelation and the potential of the relationship. That's over and done with. He is a cheater and guess what? He won't change for you or anyone else. He needs attention from different women at the same time probably because he has low self esteem and thinks that having several women at a time increases his self worth and boosts his ego. Move on and ignore him...he'll probably come snaking around when he is out of options or thinks you are moving on.

[Satu]

snip

 

 

 

If anyone has any words of advice or can offer some comfort, I definitely need it. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

 

 

*He's basically a conman. Someone with a criminal mentality.

 

You should go no contact with him and the other woman.

 

Permanent no contact.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Then get yourself patched up in therapy.

 

Can't say more - need to be somewhere.

 

 

 

Take care.

[smackie9]

Gosh I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take time out to get support from family and friends, hope you heal soon friend.

[Dork Vader]

You really need to move on from this guy. He's not going to change, he's not going to be remorseful. Some people are simply sick and twisted. He is one of those people and he needs help (a lot of it).

 

He may never be capable of a monogamous relationship, ever. You need to cut your losses and start moving on with your life.

 

Telling him off, trying to hurt him, or any of that stuff won't help you feel better. It might feel good right now, but in the long run it's not going to do any good.

 

Just say this is a sick man and move on.

[Poppyolive]

Whoa! What a piece of work. That it terrible, I'm sure you are filled with anger and I bet you keep going over different times/situations whilst trying to understand it all.

 

I'm sure there's so much you want to do and say, I'm sure you want to get revenge and hurt me like he did you. But, I can tell you, this won't get you far. Maybe slight relief, but by doing this you're prolonging your healing. He has already showed you he doesn't care...AT ALL... so by being mean/angry/hurtful to him is probably making him laugh, and fueling his ego. Why waste any more time in him?

 

Block everything/everyone associated with him. Block him everywhere. Disappear. Get yourself a new journal write all your feelings down in there. Take care of yourself.

[TaraMaiden2]

I can understand the extent of your anger at his betrayal, and your feeling of helplessness in the face of possible revenge, but please - speaking as one who knows - you need to let go of this.

 

I didn't say "You need to TRY to let go of this".

You Need. To. Let. Go.

 

Otherwise it will consume you, keep you awake at night, and occupy your mind, senses and ultimately your 'soul' with thoughts of wreaking havoc.

 

You can tell by his reaction that he doesn't care. You even offered the possibility of his being a Sociopath.

You're right.

Which means that sinking to the level of his insulting and insensitive mentality will only do you a huge disservice, because you are not like him.

You will hurt yourself more, by perpetuating thoughts of this kind.

 

Work on releasing this anger, resentment and fury.

 

First of all, go to a charity shop, buy up as much cheap, nasty and random china you can, and smash it all.

I'm serious.

Then, write everything down you think about this man, his actions, his attitude and his behaviour.

Spill every ounce of vitriol you can, onto paper.

Write furiously, as you have never written before. Forget punctuation, capital letters, spelling and grammar. Just vent, until you are exhausted, and have no more to write.

 

Then take all the pages, put them into a fireproof container, take them outside, and burn them.

Will all your hatred to go up in flames, and smoke and watch the cinders get taken up by the wind and dispersed.

Visualise your anger doing the same.

 

Then go indoors, sit, calmly, silently, as comfortably as you want, close your eyes, place your hands in your lap, and become accutely connected to how you feel.

"See" where in your body, the feelings are. What they are. What they feel like.

Let them arise, and just 'observe' them, but do not feed them with encouraging words, to keep them going. Don't describe how you feel, or 'talk' yourself into how right you are....

Just label them for what they are.

Anger. Hatred. Sorrow. Grief. Rage.

 

Let them come up, observe them, and scrutinise them.

The more you do this - the less and less intense they will be.

 

Breathe in.

Deeply.

Long, hold, out, relax.

 

Drop your shoulders.

 

When you feel yourself calming, open your eyes, sit for a moment, thought-less, and then get up and do something you love doing, whether it's sewing, knitting, watching The Simpsons or making bread.

 

This too, shall pass.

[Space Ritual]

I did say some horrible things about him losing his mother - because I wanted him to feel as much pain as I had. I told him that Karma was going to get him. A few months after I said that his mother actually died so I felt horrible

 

Don't feel too bad about this. I have had the same thing happen where I told more than one one person I would not shed a tear or actually be happy if they would die and sure enough, not too soon later they did.

 

About the other stuff, please don't have anymore contact with this guy. He likes attention, even if it is negative attention. It is still attention to him.

 

Make him insignificant as soon as possible and don't look back.

[EbonyBrown]

Thanks everyone for the words of advice! It's been particularly hard bc he lives a few blocks from me and we share the same friends and neighborhood hang outs. I have so much anger and hurt and rage. So many questions that a man who can come across so sweet and caring and most of all principled could do something so evil and not feel too badly about it.

 

There are so many other horrible things that have happened but you all are right that I need to cut contact him for good. I am seriously even thinking of moving.

 

I'm not sure how there are people like this in the world or even how I could get duped by one. I'm smart and successful and I asked the right questions. It's as if there is no conscience.

 

Thanks again for listening.

[goingcrazy101]

Its time to move on!

Edited May 25, 2016 by goingcrazy101

[Dark Horse]

If it were me, i'd cut off his manhood and say losers like you don't deserve to breed.

 

 

Thankfully it's not me.

[ChocolateRain]

Woah Ebony what a story ... i can understand your rage and anger ...

 

but People like him dont even deserve someone waste their feelings, emotions and energy on them ...

 

i hope you get it sorted out quickly ... best of luck to you and i hope you are doing okay

Edited June 29, 2016 by ChocolateRain
ETA