Heartbreak

[Kwacker39]

Yeh your right fixing we will have to sell the house if she won't move into rented ( which she could just about afford) , I could not stay in the same house as her for 5 years ! But if I can call her bluff she might move out , this enables the boys to stay in their house and visit her in hers.

I too was the victim of my parents divorce when I was around 9 and I've taken those emotional scars with me , that is why I would never initiate a seperation without exploring every other avenue first - unfortunately my wife is now so self obsessed that she can't, ( or won't ),see the hurt they are going through .

As for staying strong , I put on a front but every day is a struggle - so long as I have a purpose or target and I keep busy I'm ok . It's when I stop and think too much that the demons reappear . I dont mind saying I have cried a lot in private ( and some with close family) - but the last couple of weeks have been dry so I'm hoping that I'm coming to terms with it - here's hoping ! Thanks again for your support .

[fixing]

Of course man. That is what makes you an exceptionally strong human being.

 

Being able to put on this calm strong front on the exterior, whilst, naturally, given your situation you will be dealing with crippling emotions internally.

 

Best way man. Keep it up and don't ever show your ex wife an inch of your emotions.

 

Yes, hopefully, and ideally you call your ex wifes bluff and she moves out into rented accommodation. That way your kids get to stay in their familiar home.

 

What she is doing is so selfish it is off the Richter scale.

[Jersey born raised]

If you read the article on the 180 posted on this site http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. You will notice it advises that you should be simply dipomatic and polite. Since you still live together there will be more conversation than just your sons.

 

Why did your parents divorce? How much contact do your sons have with your parents? Have you ever discussed it with your sons? Have you shared how it effected you? You should share this with them as at this point they need to know. Can you see why they need to know?

 

If you cannot buy your WW out of the home, can you afford to rent in the area you live thereby keeping your sons within their current social network? It will go a long way to gaining 50/50 or more custody.

 

You need to see a lawyer to establish a framework for mediation. In did a quick search for: what to consider when divorcing in the the UK, here are several results: Divorce Support - 20 Strategies to Consider Before Getting Started. Your family home

 

You need a check list for things to consider going forward. It always cleared my head when I had to watch her going out the door.

[Kwacker39]

Thanks for that JBR - I haven't sat and had a chat with my boys about my experience of seperation when I was a child - tbh it was very traumatic with lots of arguing and shouting - I'm hoping to avoid that kind of drama . But thanks for the links , I'll have a look cos it seems that she is going to go down the solicitor route now which is unfortunate and costly - we have mediators over here who specialise in break ups and divorce ( these are far cheaper than solicitors ) so I'm hoping I can still persuade her to try these first .

[Kwacker39]

As far as me moving out and renting , it's a no go because my wife couldn't afford the mortgage and bills on our house - and if I had to pay the exorbitant rental prices around here I wouldn't be able to contribute to the mortgage etc on our house - our only options are to either sell or her move into rented . She could afford a small 2 bed flat as she requires no driveway or garage . So we are at stalemate at the moment although I have insisted if we are continuing to live under the same roof she has to pay half of all monthly outgoings , which she has reluctantly agreed to - have to see how that goes .

The other thing I must admit I'm struggling with is the stay polite and civil part of the 180 - I find it tough to even look at her sometimes never mind speak - I know what she is up to now so makes it very hard to converse and communicate with her . I know what you guys will say - you need to get out and get the house sold , but I've asked my kids what they want and they want to stay in our family home if at all possible - and to do this she would have to move to rented which she point blank refuses to do . Again , stalemate .

[Jersey born raised]

Can you buy her out? If not sell and rent in the area, you have to put an end to this.

 

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

[Kwacker39]

No I can't buy her out - couldn't afford to do that as it would more than double the mortgage . I'm due to see a solicitor next week - but I'm desperate to hold onto the house at least for another year - mainly to keep a stable platform for the kids where they each have a bedroom - if we sell the house both of us could only afford a 2 bedroom house so the boys ( 11 and 17 years old ) would have to share a bedroom . If I can keep this house for another year my eldest lad is going to university so a 2 bed house would be less of a problem after that . I'm also self employed so I could do with another year to try and get a better years accounts to take to a mortgage provider . From what I have read any legal proceedings she may bring will put the children's welfare first - surely the best case scenario for them is to stay where they are used to , where they have their own space and bedroom and where their friends and schools are ? But the only way this can happen is if she moves into rented which at the moment she is refusing to do - even though she claims the boys happiness is her number one priority .

[Kwacker39]

Well I thought I was actually feeling a little better recently - then had a big come down over the last couple of days for no apparent reason . I find myself replaying the past and getting myself upset , I mean I know it's over so wtf is wrong with me ?!

[Jersey born raised]

Adultery the curse that keeps giving. Accept there will be down days and weeks. When they occur keep telling your self to focus on what can be done, and do them. It is that simple on how to handle down days.

[Jersey born raised]

Also be aware of how you say things to your WW and how they are said can be used in a court of law in custody issues. I used several terms on a thread like this one as a warning NOT to be used. As a result I received a warning from William. When I pointed out the context of there usages he advised me to read the sticky at the top pf the forum on site wide rules. (which I had not at that point.) My point is that just as William upheld the site rules a court will hold you liable for their use. Except in your case it will be a TRO forcing you out of the house.

 

Read the sticky to see the terms being discussed, discussed with the lawyer, and don't use them when addressing your wife.

 

LoveShack.org Community Forums - Announcements in Forum : Breaks and Breaking Up

[Kwacker39]

Adultery - the curse that keeps on giving - absolutely spot on there JBR . Thanks for the advice and the link too - I am civil with her when I do speak to her and have not , and do not intend to use abusive or offensive language . I'm generally a placid type of guy and although she has hurt me more than I thought possible , I intend to rise above it and keep what dignity I have left .

[peonyrose]

I just read this and feel very sad for you. And could not stop myself from telling you, that you are a kind, good man. You have thought of your children and even refused to leave your wife struggling with a mortgage. She is a fool leaving a good man go. I am also dealing with a awful heartbreak we were only 3 years together but still it has torn my world apart! We were due to get married next spring and he walked out and never came back, left me and my daughter with no rent paid no bills paid,nothing. Then to add more salt to the wound the blocked me from his phone and email etc! I can not believe a man of 49 could behave so badly. There was 15 year age gap and I thought he was my worlld. I have had to drag myself up and sort the mess.

 

You can stand proud and look at yourself in the mirror and say I am a good man and a good dad.

 

I wonder can your wife or my fiance..

 

kARMA

[Kwacker39]

Thanks peonyrose for your kind words - I am , I think , a thoroughly decent man - I am trying to do what is best for my boys and hopefully come out the other side of this a better , stronger and maybe more compassionate human being . I'm hoping I will be able to trust again and I am getting some help through a counsellor to enable me to do this . All you can do in your situation is try to do the same and move on with your life . I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can find some light in the darkness that encompasses us at times like this .

[peonyrose]

Yes I hope the same for you. And I too am attending a counsellor. Today was not a good day, feeling very lost and very alone. Memories are racing through my mind and I am questioning all of them. I feel like I never knew the man I loved deeply and trusted. I like you cannot find the angry place where I cause pain for him. Friends think I should go to the police or his place of employment, and let people know he left me with no explanation or no money and debts! But I won't, its not me. Its not even worth the hurt. I hope you are coping OK.

[Kwacker39]

Yes I don't think revenge really works if you want to move on - it may seem tempting to try to make the cheater suffer because of the hurt they are causing you , but I think ultimately these are negative emotions that will only sour you - not help to heal you . Although I must admit I'm hoping that karma comes round and bites her on her arse ! But it won't be through my words or actions if it does !

[Beau1698]

Hi Kwacker,

You mentioned the notes on your wife's car. Is this the first time that she has ever given you cause to be suspicious of her. Could it be that the notes were from the same OM that she is currently involved with? To me it just seems hard to believe that after 21 years without any real explanation she has decided to separate just like that.

I would also struggle to think that there has been nothing sexual between them. Did she ever express any issues in relation to the physical side of your relationship before this? Are you absolutely sure that there is no way that you could reconcile, after all 21 years of marriage is worth a heck of a lot more than a few months of sneaking around. I'm fairly sure she would cave eventually given the housing situation and the love for her kids. She must know what she stands to lose. Stay strong!

[Kwacker39]

Hi beau 1698 - the notes on her car were from September last year - she insisted she had ignored them -but I only found out a few weeks ago when I accessed our mobile phone bills that she was in contact with this man from that time , with up to 90 ! texts a day between them - it seems she ended this in mid February when I discovered the notes from him - so she was having at least an emotional affair from September 2015 ( she says there was nothing physical happening but who knows !)

 

She admits to seeing the current OM from January this year - he has a different phone number from the previous man which also starts to show up on our phone bills at this time . She has told me the names of both men , who are both police officers who work in the same office as my wife .

 

As far as our relationship goes I knew things hadn't been right for prob around 2 years but whenever I attempted to get to the heart of it she would just blame it on stress at work , being tired or her monthlies ( which throughout our time together had always been like living with an ogre for a week ) then she would be fine with me for a while - our sex life has not been all that during this time either , maybe once a month or so . Again I had attempted to spice it up in various ways but she just blamed her lack of libido on growing older ( 45 this year ) and so not having the same desires she once had .

 

You are right , I thought 21 years with 2 great kids together was worth fighting for - unfortunately she didnt agree - we went to marriage counselling but little did I know that at this time she was already seeing the OM and so there was no attempt from her to try to salvage our life together . I would have run through walls to save my marriage but now I know all of her lies and the cheating I would never have her back . We all now have to suffer the consequences of her selfish decisions , it's horrible for the kids to see us like this and will be worse when we have to sell the family home and then they will have to split their time between us - truly heartbreaking .

[Beau1698]

My experience was slightly different to yours I had been with my partner for 10 years when she cheated on me with a friend of the bride at her best friend's wedding. She told me and I took her back. 2 years later we had a child. Then this year I discover that she has been having an affair with her boss. I like you am devastated! It appears from what you have said that there was some overlap between these 2 OM's that your wife was "involved" with. At least you may be able to take some solace from the fact that they too may have been being played by her. It is hard to believe that people that you thought you knew so well could do this to you.

How is the situation with the OM now? It is positive, reading from your earlier post, that her mother and family are supportive of you during this nightmare. I like you are still living under the same roof due to financial constraints but it is soul destroying. The hardest part is I still love her and occasionally still feel urges towards her but I have to be strong this time and stick to my guns that it's over.

[Beau1698]

I am a few years older than my partner. Just out of interest were the OMs in your situation older or younger?

[Kwacker39]

Hi beau - yeh I think the hardest part now is living in the same house as her and watching her go out and come home late etc , knowing she's probably seeing this other guy . She has obviously had plenty of time to think all of this through while I'm struggling still to come to terms with it all - and you're right it's hard to take that someone you thought you knew so well could do all these emotionally devastating things to you .

The police officer she is seeing is around 37 I think , she is 45 and I'm 49 - so seems classic mid life crisis stuff in going for a younger man - that hurts too though that she would pick a man 11 or 12 years younger than me - another blow to my self esteem .

Mind you I went to see the stone roses last night in Manchester which was bloody brilliant and I'm out with friends tonight too . I feel I need to try and get out more even if I don't really feel like it - gotta keep on keeping on !!

[Kwacker39]

I get the feeling she has been trying to wind me up over the weekend - she was out till 3-30am on Friday / Saturday morn - I know this cos I'd woken up and was watching game of thrones on my I pad . Then she went out this afternoon for around 4 hours and now this evening she has got dressed up and gone out - telling our youngest she was going round to her friends house - yeh right ! I'm trying not to let it bother me but it so does - I wish I could just pack my stuff and leave but I have to think of my boys .

[Beau1698]

It's difficult because I suppose you both still need space to do your own things and be your own person if it is truly over between you. The complication here is that you both live together. You cannot however put your lives on hold for your children as that would be no different to staying in a loveless marriage.

At some stage you will face to reopen a line of communication to sort things out. At the moment everybody will be in a state of limbo which will be even more confusing for the kids.

[Kwacker39]

Communication is the problem - I feel so betrayed that I find it hard to even look at her never mind speak to her - she just swans around the house as though it's the most normal thing in the world to be cheating on me with another man and still living here - so difficult to take .

 

We have contacted a mediation firm who are sorting out a date for us to try to sort out the legal wranglings without resorting to solicitors - I was hoping to stay here with my boys but I think she will refuse to move out so I'll be forced to sell up cos I cannot move on or even feel comfortable when she is around me .

 

I don't even know or recognise this woman who lives here now as my wife - it's hard to think that only 3 months ago we were planning trips away together and looking at new houses . It was all a lie . How could I be so gullible !?

Edited June 21, 2016 by Kwacker39
Added more

[Jersey born raised]

Who have you exposed to? Your children know?

 

You do not need OM in your marriage and your divorce. All three of them need to justify their actions by placing the blame on you. Every little event becomes writ large. You shout from another room becomes he charged into the room and grabbed me by the throat. Everything the story gets bigger more horrific.

 

Expect her to demand everything in the divorce. I mean everything to the point you see your children once a month for one hour, her in the home, you still paying the mortgage and living in your parents basement.

 

Join a local divorce group.

[Marc878]

Tell her to move in with the OM. She'll be a lot happier. And so will you.

 

The problem with that thought the unicorns and golden rainbows disappear quickly.