Men friends

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is an odd post. I'm just not sure where else to turn. Part of me wants to turn to xMM but instead I'm posting here.

 

I have a good guy friend for about 2 years now. He knew about xMM and was there the whole time and honestly helped keep me from suicide. He knows xMM. He's been an amazing support the whole thing. He is also going through his own issue and heading towards divorce (he is not having an A, she has). But anyway, so we had a weird fight the other night - he is not supportive of my working things out with H - and he pulled way back, sending me an email that I had fallen for him, he is not looking for a relationship and he has decided that he is only going to email me once a day to keep things under control.

 

I honestly do not think he likes me but I think he wanted me to get divorced so we could be "together" in this. Anyway, as I am mostly past xMM and reconnecting with H, I replied and said I did not like him and instead of an email a day, we should just not communicate at all. I said our relationship has gotten too close and while I did not like him (seriously), we were both married and it was best to pull back. I also called him an egotistical ahole as he wrote a bunch about my liking him, he just assumes as xMM is not available, I developed feelings for him.

 

I just feel bad as he was a friend, but I am wondering, can men and women really be friends? or is it a ruse? I truly do not like this guy, it was only xMM and it does piss me off that he thinks I can change guys like socks.

 

This has really killed my belief in male friends.

[66Charger]

I have a few women that i would consider freinds. They are more poker buddies and party freinds then confidants. We give each other shot when we hang out just like the guys. 2 are married and their husbands occasionally attend the games and will hang out. The women never miss the poker games and play more aggressive, drink more and give more shot when alone.

 

I guess opposite sex can be friends, but the deep conversations, should probably be limited to those who pose no threat.....or your Husband.

[carhill]

Guys tend to know guys in a way women never will so a male friend will view guys, yep even husbands, differently than a woman will, and especially because he'll never be sexually attracted to a man like a woman will and have that color his perception. That's one advantage to having genuine and loving male friends.

 

Was this male friend someone you confided in? It sounds like he was, to the extent he was important in heading off suicidal tendencies. If so, he knows a lot of your stuff and no doubt your H, and exMM, fit in there. He has an opinion on that stuff and exMM and your H. If he's your friend, he believes you and, if you shared a lot of pain with one or both of these men, well he remembers that and his brain won't necessarily flip a switch like yours can. Men tend to think and feel in a more linear fashion.

 

Could he be sexually or romantically interested in you and that is coloring his interactions? Sure! Impossible to know for sure.

 

Personally, I've found my most lasting female friendships were those where both of us were friends of any relationships we had. That meant or means interacting with and being friends with their spouse and vice versa. That diffuses the aura of territoriality that men often butt heads over but not every man has the capacity to accept such friendships and all associations should be voluntary and positive. If it doesn't work for the spouse then that's valid. Their marriage is more important than the friendship.

 

Big world, lots of men. We're not a hive mind. It'll work out.

[13Hearts]

Sure, you can be just friends with a guy. But, you can't be just friends with a guy who wants more, and guys always want more.

[DesertHeat]

I read somewhere (wish I remembered where, maybe Evan Marc Katz) that guys and women have different friendship needs. Guys will be friends with other guys and talk about sports or superficial stuff, while women talk about emotional stuff. But a guy will be emotional with his SO. So, when you talk about emotional stuff to a guy, it signals something to them that you might be interested in being an SO, that's why the "friend zone" burns them so much. But this is a generalization and not science; I'm just putting it out there.

 

I had a lot of male friends in my life. I'm a tomboy and grew up with brothers, so males are much more relatable to me. I'm the kind of girl that doesn't wear makeup and would wear sweats forever, although I know how to "clean up" when it's appropriate. My best friends are two guys, and the three of us have known each other for almost 30 years, so I've bonded with them, even on the emotional level. But they've never crossed that line with me and I haven't with them. But other guy friends have come and gone in my life, and a lot of it has to do with them crossing that friend boundary, even in their own minds.

 

Early in my marriage, I remember talking to one guy friend about the problems in my marriage. I talked to anyone who would listen about my rocky marriage because that was my focal point at the time. I didn't think anything of it and it never crossed my mind to take anything further with him. However, when I got pregnant with my second child, he sent me a scathing email and blocked me from social media. We never spoke again. I was so confused at the time because I thought we were "just friends" but he took my pregnancy personally.

 

My guess is that the guy caught feelings for you, and when it looked like you weren't going to leave your H, he pulled back.

[Alamo657]

I have a good guy friend for about 2 years now

 

I just feel bad as he was a friend, but I am wondering, can men and women really be friends? or is it a ruse?

I truly do not like this guy, it was only xMM and it does piss me off that he thinks I can change guys like socks.

 

So, you don't like him, but he was a friend ?

He was your confident BECAUSE he was attracted to you and wanted you.

When a man gets close to a straight attractive woman, it's for one reason ONLY : he is attracted and wants a relationship.

 

This has really killed my belief in male friends.

Good, then maybe you'll realize that "being friends with a guy" actually means stringing him along.

 

I wish women would stop considering guys as friend...

[privategal]

I think confiding in a male friend who was friends with your xmm WHILE your reconciling is a bad idea.

No contact means with xmm friends as well and the fact that you'd just gotten out of inapprpriate emotional bonding with xmm means no more emotional bonds with MEN...ONLY your husband.

Confide your heart to him and lean on strong women for support.

Im not suggesting you did something wrong but at this point your boundaries have to be tighter with males as your husband needs 100% of your focus and every friend male or female should be on board with that and also your marital issues should be between you and hubby and not confided to so many others when only your H opinion counts.

If you are confused seek professional counseling.

[Lois_Griffin]

Honestly? I've never had a male friend who didn't end up hitting on me or professing his love for me.

 

Not a one.

 

Not a big fan of the movie When Harry Met Sally, but there's a scene with them driving in the car and he's telling Sally that men and women can't be friends because the guy always has ulterior motives. He even says if the woman is ugly, the guy STILL wants to have sex with her.

 

It's comical, but pretty accurate.

[Cherryz]

What????????????

 

Im sue you the one that can answer that question.

 

I dont think that is possible atall in your case.

 

How come he thinks you like him? Maybe you have this type of behavior that

makes him or other men get the wrong message of you?

Or you were acting like that but then pulled away?

 

Or he mental ill if he just make this up out of completely nothing.

And since you have been in affairs i dont think its smart for you to go look

again for support of other males that are not your husband or dad.

 

Since its clear you open a door that you shouldn't have open atall which is the affair door.

So you can be vulnerable to fall back and be affair partner again.

 

Why cant you have female friends? Since you dealing with men as "friends" keeps come up as a issue of affairs for you.

I bet thats how it started with xMM. As friends? someone that you could talk good with?

 

Its good that you stop the contact between you and this friend.

Now focus on your marriage issues and stop looking for other mens attention and shoulder to cry on!

[cocorico]

Guys tend to know guys in a way women never will so a male friend will view guys, yep even husbands, differently than a woman will, and especially because he'll never be sexually attracted to a man like a woman will and have that color his perception.

 

Sure, if the woman is cisgender; if the man is strictly heterosexual and not into MSM.

 

OP, there are many possible explanations for his behaviour:

 

1) he caught feelings for you, interpreted your emotional intimacy as you reciprocating his feelings, and felt romantically betrayed by your return to your H;

 

2) he assumed from your confidances during your A about your MM and your H that your M was over, and cannot understand you reconciling with someone you slagged off (if you did) or discarded through your betrayal. He feels emotionally betrayed, or used, by you - you relied on him, he made himself available to you in that role, and now you're tossing aside his advice / counselling and returning to a M he counselled you to leave;

 

3) he saw your and his situations as similar, and was counting on having someone to share the road ahead (separation, divorce, reentering the single world, dating, etc) the way you've been doing until now - as a friend, confidant, etc - and feels betrayed by your pulling out and leaving him to face this path alone;

 

4) he thinks you're making a mistake, and, as a friend, feels aggrieved that you're ignoring his advice;

 

5) he hasn't developed feelings for you, but suspects from your behaviour toward him that you have feelings toward him, and wants to minimise risk;

 

6) etc.

 

The only way to know for sure is to speak to him. Not that he's likely to come out and tell you, but his behaviour and responses should give you enough to read between the lines.

 

Men and women can certainly be friends - I have many close male friends, with zero chance of romance developing - but not all men can be friends with all women (and vice versa). Given the way you've tossed insults at him, in response to his suggestion of slowing contact, I'd suggest this "friendship" is best walked away from. Too many bruised egos, on both sides.

[Girlfromcali]

Honestly? I've never had a male friend who didn't end up hitting on me or professing his love for me.

 

Not a one.

 

Not a big fan of the movie When Harry Met Sally, but there's a scene with them driving in the car and he's telling Sally that men and women can't be friends because the guy always has ulterior motives. He even says if the woman is ugly, the guy STILL wants to have sex with her.

 

It's comical, but pretty accurate.

 

Lol, me neither. The funny thing is that occasionally I have men who want to be "friends" and they claim they have a lot of female friends. Then I'm like "oh, he says he has tons of platonic female friends. I guess he's different, I guess we can be friends too.." Yet, they ALWAYS end up wanting to have sex. I have never met a man who wants to be just friends. If they're not attracted to me, they have no interest in being my friend.

 

The only males that I consider friends are coworkers (because we're forced to spend time together so it's more fun if we're friends) or guys that I've known since I was a kid or very young, who I just know because of I've known them forever. Of course I could consider my friends' SO's or H's friends as friends, but they're not really.

[anika99]

So, you don't like him, but he was a friend ?

He was your confident BECAUSE he was attracted to you and wanted you.

When a man gets close to a straight attractive woman, it's for one reason ONLY : he is attracted and wants a relationship.

 

This has really killed my belief in male friends.

Good, then maybe you'll realize that "being friends with a guy" actually means stringing him along.

 

I wish women would stop considering guys as friend...

 

Then maybe guys should stop posing as "friends" when they really want more. If a man feels he was strung along because a woman was his friend then that's on him for his own dishonesty. Be truthful and upfront about your intentions and then you won't feel strung along.

[Confused9999]

I think there is always an initial attraction that happens between men and women for them to become friends. (At least on the guy side).

I don't go seeking girl "friends". I have plenty of friends already.

 

On the other hand I have several very close girl "friends" that I have known for years! Initially there was attraction from me or her, which never led to anything, but we remained as friends ever since.

 

This is an interesting and very telling video. It shows men are up front and women are kind of kidding themselves believing there is only friendship.

 

[cocorico]

It shows men are up front and women are kind of kidding themselves believing there is only friendship.

 

 

 

Believe me, I have zero interest in shagging my male friends, just as I have zero interest in shagging my father, my brothers, my FIL, my BIL, my son, my stepson, or my nephew. Friends are the family you choose,and incest taboos are pretty powerful.

[dubliner]

It's ridiculous to say that men and women can't be friends.

Sure men and women can't be friends when they have poor boundaries

Men and women can't be friends when one or both want more from the other

Seriously as women do you want sex or a R with every man you find compatible on a social level? Then why should anyone think that a man is attracted sexually to every woman he meets? I'm pretty sure we've evolved beyond that thinking.

 

How about men that are much older or younger? Are they to be ruled out as friends in case suddenly the magic vagina lures them to want more?

The friendship between and man and woman is never the same as man/man woman/woman but a friendship with respect and boundaries can be had.

 

Op in your case it sounds like boundaries have been crossed and somewhere along the road intentions have got hazy. He may feel embarrassed by his accusations or even his ego dented, whatever the reasons it's best to distance yourselves and put the energy into the relationship with your H which is far more important.

[SomethingToSay]

I agree the issue here isnt can men/women be friends, its why are you having a close relationship with a male if you want to reconcile with your husband? If you truly want to fix your marriage you need to stop having male friends you confide in about your life and marriage. Talk to your husband, or a counselor, or close female friend or family member. But men, esp ones "headed for divorce" should be off limits. This is called having good boundaries so your marriage is repsected and protected. There is no reason a woman trying to reconcile with her H after an affair should have a close male confidant.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi

 

The first thing I would do is consider if any of his comments are true. Why ? What if he is right? I am not saying spend hours thinking and pondering. Just take a moment and consider the why it was said and if there might be a haif truth in statements.

 

It was good he was there for you. Was he supportive of your affair or of you?

Consider why he is so against you working things out with your husband. Where you rewriting your marriage to him or where there more profound issues? Is he trying to protect your husband? As a BS that while not logical would make more sense.

 

My best guess some of his comments where a result of transference. He wasn't speaking to you, but himself in regards to his wife.

[NTV]

I would think that for some people its okay to have other gender friends.... I just don't think you're one of those people right now. I think that your affair is proof that you're having some difficulties with boundaries that need to be worked on.

 

 

So I agree that you need to cut this guy off completely, as well as any other male friends you may have until you can shore up those boundaries. It could be that you're emitting an 'I'm available' signal without realizing it.

 

 

Or it could be that you're emotionally vulnerable and some guys see an easy target.

 

 

No matter the reason or reasons why this happened, there isn't really a way to fully re-commit to your marriage when you are leaning on other opposite sex people full support. At the point you're at, I would think it has become an all or nothing endeavor.

 

 

Does your husband know about the affair?

[ShatteredLady]

My best friend is a man but we've been best mates since we were in our late teens (Now mid 40's) I think that makes a lot of difference. We haven't bonded over relationship problems or vulnerability. We were in relationships with others on & off, we grew-up together.

 

That's a very different foundation. You pass a point, in very close friendships, when someone becomes like family & the whole idea of anything sexual happening is gross. We were never like "When Harry met Sally", seeing eachother once or twice in a blue moon. We even lived together at one stage. Very brother & sister.

 

I've had several 'friends' who have ended-up professing love out of the blue (to me) It's hard to start purely platonic friendships with the opposite sex. You never really know what's in someone's head.

[Confused9999]

Believe me, I have zero interest in shagging my male friends, just as I have zero interest in shagging my father, my brothers, my FIL, my BIL, my son, my stepson, or my nephew. Friends are the family you choose,and incest taboos are pretty powerful.

 

 

I didn't mean all women want their male friends.. See the video.

I mean most of the women know whether the man they are friends with wants them for more then friends.

[privategal]

Its kind of futile for all of us to have a general debate on whether men and women can be friends.

The issue here is how is a greiving husband going to feel about his wife who already betrayed him, talking to another man who also knew her MM.

How is he supposed to heal when his private life is being dissected by another man who is not on his side and is inappropriately suggesting his wife has feelings.

Maybe men and woman can be friends sometimes but 90% of the stories on here begin with "we were just friends" and its just so insensitve for a wife who strayed to continue with this guy friend regardless.

Why are you worrying about this guy when your husband could serve divorce papers any second cause hes tired of the pain?

Right now I wouldnt care about one thing exept your husband and the gift hes given you to reconcile.

I too am very sweet and friendly...and have lots of all types of friends but...platonic or otherwise...Im not keeping male friends any longer.

Its my personal choice.

Its not that I dont trust male friends...I dont trust myself as I crossed the line telling me my self esteem wasnt in check, I had low standards, loose boundaries and compromised my morals and ethics.

But who CARES now how this friend feels and that the friendship is over.

Just by confiding intimate emotions and his affiliation with xmm..it crosses the line big time.

Edited May 23, 2016 by privategal

[carhill]

I dealt with this issue as a friend, being confided in about an MW's affair and my solution was to take the side of the marriage and support it, and the BH, since I had known him from before the A occurred. Sure, as mentioned by others, boundaries can be difficult but I found, simply by noting some topics are not for discussion, things worked out pretty good. The couple is now about a decade out from the A and closing in on 30 years married and, to my eye, doing well and as a friend I support that. The trickiest time came when I was going through my D and the MW was going through a rough patch in recovery. Fortunately, the boundary patrol I learned in MC prior to divorcing paid off and no regrets and things proceeded.

 

In general, though, this stuff as shared in the OP is IMO a minefield, far beyond typical 'can men and women be platonic friends?'. Very tricky. IMO I'd probably avoid unless the situation was a very long term and healthy friendship going through some trials due to marital strife. The foundation for getting through things would be there, even if it meant suspending the friendship temporarily.

[DKT3]

I have an uncle that always said "in the mind of most men there are three kinds of women in this world, those you've had sex with, relatives and those you have not had sex with.......YET

 

Your friend to me, sounds like he is trying to emotionally manipulate you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have an uncle that always said "in the mind of most men there are three kinds of women in this world, those you've had sex with, relatives and those you have not had sex with.......YET

 

Your friend to me, sounds like he is trying to emotionally manipulate you.

 

 

I disagree that this man is trying to emotionally manipulate her.

 

He is in the same situation that the OP is. Crossing emotional boundaries with an opposite sex friend that is not a friend to the marriage. Being that he is a recent BH himself....he too is vulnerable.

 

I do agree with Carhill....this is a minefield. A minefield that a F?MW should be able to see a mile out.

[Moxie Lady]

I disagree that this man is trying to emotionally manipulate her.

 

He is in the same situation that the OP is. Crossing emotional boundaries with an opposite sex friend that is not a friend to the marriage. Being that he is a recent BH himself....he too is vulnerable.

 

I do agree with Carhill....this is a minefield. A minefield that a F?MW should be able to see a mile out.

 

He may be in the same situation of the OP but if he is trying to push OP into divorce so he wont be "alone in it", that is manipulation. So are all the comments he told her about how she must have feelings for him.

 

I agree with carhill too, this is not a typical man/woman platonic friendship (which I do believe can happen)