Andrew42 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 My wife told me yesterday that our marriage of 20 years is over, she said she doesn't love me anymore and that her mind is made up. I'm lost for what to do or say, please help Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 You'd have to give a little - or a lot - more background to get any worthwhile feedback. I'd guess if she's unhappy enough to want a divorce, this can't have happened overnight. What's brought her - and you - to this point? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 For the last couple of months I've noticed she has become distant (not replying to 'love you' texts, we used to be very touchy-feely but that stopped, I kept asking what was wrong but she kept saying nothing. Yesterday she just said that's it she doesn't love me anymore, and is leaving, we have a 14 year old son who is completely devestated Link to post Share on other sites
seamos Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Well, obviously she wasn't being entirely honest when she told you "nothing". What happened yesterday when she said she didn't love you any more? What seemed to lead up to that? How is she as a mother? She must know it's going to be very painful for your son so it seems strange to me that this seems to have come out of the blue, or is she not very close to her son? It seems to me that the lack of touchy-feely can't be the only thing that proceeded this, what other things have you maybe noticed in that time that seemed different? From what you've provided it sounds like she could have another man in her life... or she could could be fed up w/ you for something we don't know about... or... ? Twenty years is a long time, how has the rest of the marriage been? Sorry you and you're son are going thru this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 How would you describe your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 As a mum and wife she's been great, yeah we've had up and downs but nothing major. Yesterday came totally out the blue, we had been out for dinner and she had been very quiet then, walking back to the car I said what was up and it all came out. She says she's moving out as soon as she's got some money together to rent somewhere. Should I fight for our marriage or just let her go Link to post Share on other sites
seamos Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Well Andrew42, if she's been a great wife but suddenly she wants to end things w/o any attempt to explain to you what is going on then it makes me think the reason is something she's ashamed of or is trying to protect somebody. In other words having or about to have an affair. I only say this because it seems any reasonable person w/ nothing to hide would be willing to give some explanation. So, if it is an affair what are you going to want to do? Reconcile and try to make it work, or, end it? What's been discussed concerning your son, where would he go in all of this if it was to end? Of course, if you chose to reconcile that's only half the equation, she would have to be committed to that also and right now she isn't. You need to figure out what is causing this and you may need to be a little discrete and sneaky to do that. You also need to be ready to move fast to protect your assets if it comes to that. This is a good site to come to and there are people here that can tell you a lot better than I can, all the steps to take if it comes to that. I wish you the best. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 As a mum and wife she's been great, yeah we've had up and downs but nothing major. Yesterday came totally out the blue, we had been out for dinner and she had been very quiet then, walking back to the car I said what was up and it all came out. She says she's moving out as soon as she's got some money together to rent somewhere. Should I fight for our marriage or just let her go Would you both describe these ups and downs you'd had as 'nothing major'? Sometimes people take things in differently and without constant communication, stuff that can look irrelevant or trivial to someone can be a trigger or a major issue to someone else. She's obviously been thinking about it for a while and if, as you say, she's been a good mother, she'll have weighed all the pros and cons so to her, it's not out of the blue. There may be someone else on the scene or she may have been unhappy for a while and didn't say anything - is there any way for you to talk it out? Not necessarily to convince her to stay as she seems to have made her mind up, but rather to get an idea of what's driving her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Should I fight for our marriage or just let her go Well it depends really on why she is leaving. What were the "downs" about? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 The downs were running a business and having debts but we've come thru the other side of those and we're starting to live a comfortable life. I have asked if there's another person, in some way that would give me answers but she says not. I've asked her loads of times yesterday and this morning to give things one last chance but all she says is no, she's not happy in the marriage and doesn't want it anymore. She's willing to walk away from her son Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 She's willing to walk away from her son That is a big deal, do they not get on well? Link to post Share on other sites
merz Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Its bitter when life reaches a dead end and you have to part ways- its not easy moving on but their is too lots of peace in accepting the reality and letting go Healing from a painful breakup Link to post Share on other sites
merz Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Its painful. May God see you through Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 Yes they get on very well, he's devistated just like me Link to post Share on other sites
merz Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 you cant force matters of the heart. Its also not good to act out o emotions. Relax, recollect yourself and request for a discussion with your partner. Get to understand what has called for the drastic change of events Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Yes they get on very well, he's devistated just like me That sounds weird that she wants to abandon her own son. I wondered about him perhaps being a handful as a teenager, or that they are not getting on and she is at the end of her tether with him, but it is obviously not that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Davey McG Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 There is almost definitely another man. Keep an eye and an ear out. Maybe think about people she's mentioned in the recent past. Also, don't expect her to tell you the truth about the other man. You'll have to find out on your own. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 My lad is being great but I'm struggling to hold things together for his sake 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 I am so sorry you are in this position and my heart breaks for your son. As a mother who went through a divorce with someone who was cheating on me, I still had a very difficult time leaving because of my son, who was then 20. I did not want his life to be so disrupted. I find it suspicious that she is willing to walk away for her son, more so than even wanting to leave you. My gut tells me (and I imagine it does for most people here), that she is involved with someone else. Leaving you - maybe not, leaving her son when she has been an involved loving mom - absolutely. She is going down a path that will hurt her son and hurt her relationship with her son, maybe permanently. I would imagine she has no way to see how bad this can be. It was so very painful for my son. Research the 180 - I believe it is at the top of the forum. Practice it for you. If there is any chance to help yourself, you must stop asking her for another chance. It is counter-intuitive, but you must tell her to go. You can't change her mind, at any rate, and it can help you detach from her the best you can. Be there for your son, get him into counseling if you can. My son would not go. He was in college and had an very difficult semester. So sorry. It is a terrible thing to happen to you both. Talk to someone about it - a professional if you can. Good luck and keep posting. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 Thank you everyone this is the hardest thing ever and I don't wish it on anyone, I've tried talking to a friend and although he would be here at the drop of a hat I just don't know what to say or do Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 As to there being some one else. If she has a cell phone, check the phone records. You might even put a VAR in her car. Check her e-mail. A good mom willing to walk away from her son, does not compute. Add wife of 20 years, equals an age of in the 40's equals a possible Middle Life Crisis. Google MLC. Also, beware, she says she is willing to leave, but at this point can you trust everything she is saying? You might also consider carrying a VAR on you at all times for protection. A game that walk away women like to play is to call the cops and claim "He hit me, he abused me". Cops force you to leave, temporary restraining order and you cannot go home and see your son. Above all see a lwayer 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gemini6 Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 (edited) Listen to 2.50 a gallon, he has some great advice and the experience to back it up. OK, Andrew there is most definitely another man on the scene, it may be just emotional right now but an emotional affair can torch a marriage - even without sex. So..my H came home one day and said the same thing, "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you anymore" No, of course there was no one else!! yeah, right! Turns out it was a 20 something co-worker that was crying on his shoulder about her horrible marriage - and, let the bonding begin - he finally finally had someone that he could talk to, someone that he could share what a horrible wife I was, how I didn't pay attention to him or care about him - Gag, me!! So, this is what you do: AGREE THAT DIVORCE MIGHT BE BEST FOR YOU AS WELL. and LET HER GO! I know, I know - it makes no sense and you think it's better to cry and beg and ask all kinds of questions...NO! Agree, say you want her to be happy and you want to be happy again too! Smile, be happy, get a pep in your step and walk away..let her go! Do the 180 immediately! It's pinned at the top of the board - learn it, live it and go NC (no contact) as much as possible. See, right now she is all confident and full of herself because she has a new man in the wings, waiting for her, wanting her, AND she has you wanting her to stay, crying, begging, wondering wtf is happening - so, STOP stroking her ego!! Tell her to go get the greener grass that you will be just fine!! Ain't nobody need her! Think about it - a woman that is willing to abandon her family, because some other man is paying attention to her?? Really? I'd tell her there is some hot chick that's been on your radar anyway so toodle loo! or, if the guy is also married - take his wife out. I'm so sick of these people - liars and cheaters - they suck! I'm sorry Andrew, I really am sorry and I know ( as many many others here) exactly how much it hurts! Don't let her gas-light you - and know that blame shifting and rewriting the marriage history is common during an affair. Google gas lighting, and blame shifting...you'll begin to understand. Keep posting - she will throw out some bread crumbs when you stop asking her to stay and start taking care of you. Don't fall for it - keep posting here - we will all be here to help you through! Edited May 23, 2016 by gemini6 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 She's cheating on you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Listen to 2.50 a gallon, he has some great advice and the experience to back it up. OK, Andrew there is most definitely another man on the scene, it may be just emotional right now but an emotional affair can torch a marriage - even without sex. So..my H came home one day and said the same thing, "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you anymore" No, of course there was no one else!! yeah, right! Turns out it was a 20 something co-worker that was crying on his shoulder about her horrible marriage - and, let the bonding begin - he finally finally had someone that he could talk to, someone that he could share what a horrible wife I was, how I didn't pay attention to him or care about him - Gag, me!! So, this is what you do: AGREE THAT DIVORCE MIGHT BE BEST FOR YOU AS WELL. and LET HER GO! I know, I know - it makes no sense and you think it's better to cry and beg and ask all kinds of questions...NO! Agree, say you want her to be happy and you want to be happy again too! Smile, be happy, get a pep in your step and walk away..let her go! Do the 180 immediately! It's pinned at the top of the board - learn it, live it and go NC (no contact) as much as possible. See, right now she is all confident and full of herself because she has a new man in the wings, waiting for her, wanting her, AND she has you wanting her to stay, crying, begging, wondering wtf is happening - so, STOP stroking her ego!! Tell her to go get the greener grass that you will be just fine!! Ain't nobody need her! Think about it - a woman that is willing to abandon her family, because some other man is paying attention to her?? Really? I'd tell her there is some hot chick that's been on your radar anyway so toodle loo! or, if the guy is also married - take his wife out. I'm so sick of these people - liars and cheaters - they suck! I'm sorry Andrew, I really am sorry and I know ( as many many others here) exactly how much it hurts! Don't let her gas-light you - and know that blame shifting and rewriting the marriage history is common during an affair. Google gas lighting, and blame shifting...you'll begin to understand. Keep posting - she will throw out some bread crumbs when you stop asking her to stay and start taking care of you. Don't fall for it - keep posting here - we will all be here to help you through! This is good advice. I would also suggest talking to a lawyer and discussing your options regarding your son and do your best to protect him, and yourself. Given what you said, I would go for full custody. If her affair fog (and yes, I hate to say it but she is probably involved in an affair of either the emotional or physical type) is such that she is willing to do this, that could work to your advantage in terms of being able to maximize your time with your son. Everything gemini6 has said - Take care of yourself and your son, focus on moving on. Those are the healthiest and best options for you right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Above all see a lawyer Put this at the top of your list. Anything and everything you do from this point forward takes on extra - and sometimes permanent - meaning. Who goes or stays, who controls finances, arrangements for your son - all areas you'll want to understand context before you make any decisions. Seeking counsel doesn't mean you're any less committed to your marriage. It simply indicates that, while hoping for the best, you're planning for the worst... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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