20 years and gone

[afoolto no end]

I am so sorry this is what is really happening to your marriage, it's selfish and cruel.

First of all just breathe, nothing has to be decided right now...

I would expose the affair yourself so everyone knows the truth, if the OM is married tell his wife as well.....

Then you tell your wife to get out if she continues any contact at all...

Then you give yourself time to process all of this with a friend family......

Get the support you need.....

[Andrew42]

What do I do next

[GorillaTheater]

What do I do next

 

 

Number 1, take care of yourself. Eat, stay away from the booze, exercise (I find pounding on a heavy bag to be a good plan at times like this), maybe some melatonin at night to help you sleep a little.

 

 

Number 2, contact an attorney to seek a divorce, and follow his or her advice. This can wait until you catch your breath, but start on #1 now.

[Mr. Lucky]

What do I do next

 

The 180

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

 

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

 

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

 

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

 

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out.

[oldshirt]

Step #1. Get a good divorce attorney yesterday.

 

Step #2. Do exactly what attorney says to the letter and do not do anything without attorney's knowledge and blessing.

 

You are not in a marriage anymore, you are in a battle for your property, finances, assets and relationship with your son.

 

Circle your wagons and protect your assets, property and resources first.

 

Then you can cry to counselors and therapists and stuff.

 

She is no longer your wife, lover or even friend.

[oldshirt]

Here is something else that you need to be aware of.

 

Affairs need two things to survive. They need a marriage and they need a supportive spouse that pleads and begs and gives the WS safe haven and support.

 

Take those things away and the affair almost always fails.

 

Once she is destabilized and no longer has a home and supportive spouse and a stable home life, her life becomes attorney meetings, court hearings, scramble to secure finances and paperwork and looking for a place to live etc etc etc.

 

When that occurs, she is no longer fun and sexy. When that happens the affair is no longer "fun."

 

95% of the time, if the OM is single, the fun of banging a sexy wife is now replaced with a stressed crazy woman who is more concerned about salvaging her standard of living and relationship with her children rather than sucking his [|<£.

 

If he is married, expose to his wife and then his own home life is destabilized and he will throw her under the bus trying to save his own hide.

 

Almost every last affair fails once one of both become single.

 

Make her single and on her own as soon as you can.

[Bufo]

Job Number One: see an attorney who can tell you what divorce is like and the probable results. Learn about fees, support issues, custody issues, self protection issues like splitting up joint accounts, how long it takes contested versus uncontested, pensions and insurance, and living arrangements during divorcce.

 

Why? Knowledge is power and at least you'll gain knowledge.

 

job Number 2: Read up on the 180. A way to help you detach from her. She's the last person on earth to help you through a divorce. Don't plead or beg or promise anything. Don't do the infamous Pick Me dance whether or not there is another man OM in the picture. You'll only look weak if you do these things. The 180 isn't designed to force her to change course if she's set on D or is in an A. But a side benefit of it is to let her see what life without you will be.

 

Job #3: Accept that you cannot control her actions

Or feelings. They are what they are. Control yourself and your feelings. And protect kid from fallout as much as possible.

 

Some women think they will automTically get custody the house and support. Welcome to the 21st Century lady. Flowing job #1 will get you true information, not information about what some girlfriends mother got 25 years ago.

 

Final job for now: learn these words. "I'm sorry you feel that way". It's the one size fits all answer for those times when she scolds you about what a bad

Husband you have been, how miserable she is with you, etc.

 

Oh, one more job. Read some threads here. You'll see how strong and decisive action beats the hell out of crying and begging and pleading.

 

There is no predicting the exact outcome. It will probably suck but how

Much depends on you

 

Good

Luck and

Keep posting. We can help.

[ladydesigner]

(((Andrew42))) I'm sorry you join the ranks of us that have been betrayed. I read your thread from beginning to end. These A's are so cliche they couldn't be more cliche.

 

Take care of yourself foremost and follow the 180 that Mr. Lucky posted. Print it out and memorize it. It will help you to detach from your WW.

 

Please make sure to see a lawyer and get an STD test.

 

Your WW just blew up her whole family for some fun and fantasy that will most likely blow up in her face. Not your problem. Many times the AP will end the A after the M ends and the wayward will try to weasel their way back into the M again making you Plan B. Don't be that!

[Andrew42]

The recording is about how they were trying to find a house to rent, then all about sex

[GorillaTheater]

The recording is about how they were trying to find a house to rent, then all about sex

 

 

Keep the recording because it may come in handy, but don't listen to it again.

[ladydesigner]

Keep the recording because it may come in handy, but don't listen to it again.

 

God isn't that the truth. I listened to the recording over and over again It took me months to throw the damn VAR away with my WH's MOW talking about remembering the time they f**ked on my then 7 year old son's bed... yeah they were classy like that

[Andrew42]

I started to listen to it again as it started to make me fell physically sick. One of you guys were right it sounds like a 'shoulder to cry on' start that developed, on there they are telling each other they love one another.

By the sounds of it it's a young lad, she's 39.

 

I know I need to do the 180 rules and I'm trying so so hard.

[GorillaTheater]

It hurts like hell, but you're going to make it through this buddy. Is there someone you can entrust the tape with until you get a lawyer?

[oldshirt]

we really are very saddened for you and feel terrible that this is happening to you but Bufo was right, the people that take strong and decisive action and stand up for themselves and protect themselves and refuse to be manipulated, come out on top and go on to live good lives.

 

 

The ones that plead and beg and negotiate and compromise and do the Pick Me Dance all have prolonged suffering and end up humiliated and defeated and lose everything in the end anyway.

 

 

Now is when you need tough love and much of the advice here will seem counterintuitive but we have all seen this play out again and again and again and again. Your situation sucks, but it is far from unique. People knew within your first post that your wife was embroiled in an affair even though that was probably the farthest things from your mind.

 

 

Get an attorney ASAP. Do what the attorney says.

 

 

Don't do anything at this point that does not involve getting an attorney and doing what the attorney says.

 

 

There will be time for crying and a time for commiserating and a time for reflection and wondering what went wrong later after your home, life savings, retirement, son's welfare and college fund etc are protected.

 

 

Get an attorney. Do what attorney says.

 

 

Don't try to outthink your attorney. Don't try to out think your STBX or her OM.

 

 

Get an attorney. Do what attorney says.

 

 

Anything you try to do on your own at this time will be wrong. Your instincts are fallible and will lead you astray.

 

 

Get an attorney. Do what attorney says.

[Andrew42]

I just need someone to reassure me I've done the right thing.

Moneywise all our savings (about 2500) are in an account in her name, my wages get paid tomorrow into her bank account, so yes I've got my self respect but penniless by the look of it

[GorillaTheater]

I just need someone to reassure me I've done the right thing.

Moneywise all our savings (about 2500) are in an account in her name, my wages get paid tomorrow into her bank account, so yes I've got my self respect but penniless by the look of it

 

 

You've done the right thing. But change the direct deposit ASAP.

[Andrew42]

It hurts like hell, but you're going to make it through this buddy. Is there someone you can entrust the tape with until you get a lawyer?

 

The recording is on an app on my phone

[oldshirt]

I just need someone to reassure me I've done the right thing.

Moneywise all our savings (about 2500) are in an account in her name, my wages get paid tomorrow into her bank account, so yes I've got my self respect but penniless by the look of it

 

 

 

Yes you are doing the right thing by not accepting unacceptable behavior, but you absolutely must get the direct deposit stopped immediately and get it in an account in your name only.

 

 

do that now if your bank is still open. Otherwise do it first thing in the morning before anything else.

 

 

then get an attorney and do what the attorney says.

[Andrew42]

we really are very saddened for you and feel terrible that this is happening to you but Bufo was right, the people that take strong and decisive action and stand up for themselves and protect themselves and refuse to be manipulated, come out on top and go on to live good lives.

 

 

The ones that plead and beg and negotiate and compromise and do the Pick Me Dance all have prolonged suffering and end up humiliated and defeated and lose everything in the end anyway.

 

 

Now is when you need tough love and much of the advice here will seem counterintuitive but we have all seen this play out again and again and again and again. Your situation sucks, but it is far from unique. People knew within your first post that your wife was embroiled in an affair even though that was probably the farthest things from your mind.

 

 

Get an attorney ASAP. Do what the attorney says.

 

 

Don't do anything at this point that does not involve getting an attorney and doing what the attorney says.

 

 

There will be time for crying and a time for commiserating and a time for reflection and wondering what went wrong later after your home, life savings, retirement, son's welfare and college fund etc are protected.

 

 

Get an attorney. Do what attorney says.

 

 

Don't try to outthink your attorney. Don't try to out think your STBX or her OM.

 

 

Get an attorney. Do what attorney says.

 

 

Anything you try to do on your own at this time will be wrong. Your instincts are fallible and will lead you astray.

 

 

Get an attorney. Do what attorney says.

 

Yes I must admit when I first saw the posts that she's cheating I thought no not my wife, then I started to think and then put the voice recorder in the car, you were all right.

[Andrew42]

Yes you are doing the right thing by not accepting unacceptable behavior, but you absolutely must get the direct deposit stopped immediately and get it in an account in your name only.

 

 

do that now if your bank is still open. Otherwise do it first thing in the morning before anything else.

 

 

then get an attorney and do what the attorney says.

 

That's just it, the accounts in her name so I can only give wages dept a ring to see if I can put a stop on it

[oldshirt]

The recording is about how they were trying to find a house to rent, then all about sex

 

You are going to have to act very fast and very decisively in getting an attorney and circling your wagons to protect your home and finances etc.

 

 

What you don't know at this point is how far she is into her plan to leave you and start a new life with the OM. For all you know she/they have been planning this for months and months.

 

 

She may already have an attorney and have a plan in place to empty out bank accounts and credit cards etc etc

 

 

It is simple strategy - he/she who acts first wins.

 

 

As nauseating as it is and as much of a punch in the balls as it is, you better hope that all they have been talking about is sex. Because if they have been making exit plans and divorce plans for any length of time, you are way behind the 8-ball.

 

 

Act now to protect yourself.

 

 

Worry about her screwing other guys and breaking your heart later.

[Andrew42]

You are going to have to act very fast and very decisively in getting an attorney and circling your wagons to protect your home and finances etc.

 

 

What you don't know at this point is how far she is into her plan to leave you and start a new life with the OM. For all you know she/they have been planning this for months and months.

 

 

She may already have an attorney and have a plan in place to empty out bank accounts and credit cards etc etc

 

 

It is simple strategy - he/she who acts first wins.

 

 

As nauseating as it is and as much of a punch in the balls as it is, you better hope that all they have been talking about is sex. Because if they have been making exit plans and divorce plans for any length of time, you are way behind the 8-ball.

 

 

Act now to protect yourself.

 

 

Worry about her screwing other guys and breaking your heart later.

 

They can be heard in the recording talking about places to live, the cost etc and I quote ' let's get the place first before we tell anyone'

[Marc878]

At least you know the truth. Get your finances taken care of immediately.

 

You cannot trust her for anything at this time. All you've gotten is lies and probably all you'll get.

[Marc878]

IMO I would do full exposure to all his and her family, friends, etc. no warning!!!

 

Let them deal with it.

[oldshirt]

That's just it, the accounts in her name so I can only give wages dept a ring to see if I can put a stop on it

 

 

 

Put a stop to your direct deposits to her account (that was dumb to begin with)

 

 

Then open up your own accounts in your name only.

 

 

If you have credit cards in both your names, get them cancelled or get your name completely off of it before she books a romantic getaway in Bahamas with her lover and have you pay for it.

 

 

She can also run up any joint credit cards putting down deposits and paying first and last months rent and furnishing her and her BF's love nest.

 

 

Get her cut off as quick as you can.

 

 

Your only hope here is that you can act faster than she can.

 

 

DO NOT SHOW YOUR CARDS OR LET HER KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING. Most cheaters think that their BS is going to break down and sob in the corner for days and will spend their time and energy begging to take them back and bargaining for them to stay.

 

 

If she thinks you are going to act fast and decisive, she will act faster and she may have been planning this for months.

 

 

Act fast but don't let her on to it.

 

 

Go radio silent. Do not make threats. Do not say what you are going to do. do not make any "or else.." statements. do not give her any insight into what you are doing.

 

 

Make her think you are moping around crying in your beer at the bar.