20 years and gone

[oldshirt]

I've bagged her clothes up and dumped them all outside her boyfriends house.

 

Well played Sir, well played.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just going in attorneys now, I'll post what she says

 

Look how far you've come since you first posted 3 days ago !!!

 

Instead of being manipulated and feeling powerless, you're taking control and responsibility for your life. Pretty cool to see ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[gemini6]

:bunny:yes Andrew!! yes!!! (cheering you on)

 

I am SO DARN PROUD OF YOU!!! I would hug you if I could

 

You are doing great! Take back control!

 

I love it when a BS takes back their life and decides they are not taking the **** sandwich anymore! It's awesome! Now tell her she can have that FILTH and you wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole after seeing the nastiness she has been wallowing in!

 

Huge hugs Andrew!!

[Andrew42]

Actually finding out there was another man turned hurt and devestation into feeling physically sick.

Today I talked to one of my managers who went thru the same, one piece of advice she gave was this.... Think about all her bad points, not the good ones.

 

And you know what it's helping.

 

So the trip to the attorney didn't go that well, she's told me I have no right to throw her out as I did and shouldn't of changed the locks.

She can legally turn up and move back in and there isn't a thing I can do about it. As long as my lad is here then the house has to be 50/50.

The court will listen to what he wants at the age of 14.

And I can't refuse here access to income so while I'm working when the wages go in then she's legally have half.

[Andrew42]

:bunny:yes Andrew!! yes!!! (cheering you on)

 

I am SO DARN PROUD OF YOU!!! I would hug you if I could

 

You are doing great! Take back control!

 

I love it when a BS takes back their life and decides they are not taking the **** sandwich anymore! It's awesome! Now tell her she can have that FILTH and you wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole after seeing the nastiness she has been wallowing in!

 

Huge hugs Andrew!!

 

One thing I am worried about is in the recording they clearly talk about unprotected sex, so I need to get checked out because if his hygiene is anything like the house then God help me

[oldshirt]

Have you heard from her since you confronted her with the recording?

[tinkerbell16]

Actually finding out there was another man turned hurt and devestation into feeling physically sick.

Today I talked to one of my managers who went thru the same, one piece of advice she gave was this.... Think about all her bad points, not the good ones.

 

And you know what it's helping.

 

So the trip to the attorney didn't go that well, she's told me I have no right to throw her out as I did and shouldn't of changed the locks.

She can legally turn up and move back in and there isn't a thing I can do about it. As long as my lad is here then the house has to be 50/50.

The court will listen to what he wants at the age of 14.

And I can't refuse here access to income so while I'm working when the wages go in then she's legally have half.

 

 

Yes, this was the toughest part for me... after almost 30 years of loving him "learning" not to love him anymore. Steps I recall I went through: shock of the unexpected (we were the "it" couple. NO one expected my ex to abandon his family), denial, the gut wrenching pain, survival mode, anger, sadness and lastly acceptance that they are not the people they promised us they would be... the one worthy of our love.

[Andrew42]

Have you heard from her since you confronted her with the recording?

 

After I confronted her with the recording she went, I believe she's staying with a friend, I don't think she went straight to him but I may be wrong, I'm sat here now and although yesterday I had a good day with regards to feeling stronger I now feel I've gone back a bit, I'm missing her like crazy right now I really am.

 

She's text my lad I few times I know that but I've not put any pressure on him to tell me what they were.

[Andrew42]

Oh another thing the attorney said was although the recording clearly shows evidence of adulterous activities I wouldn't be taken into account in a court of law if she denied it. Sounds absolutely crazy as the full recording is about 4 hours long about sex, a new place to live together, unprotected sex and how they were spending my money.

[Andrew42]

I'm sat here thinking and quite low this morning, all from picking up a cup ( her favourite cup ) stupid I know but

[Wheremyheartis]

The question is what to do you want?

Do you want to save your marriage?

While I was dealing with things with my marriage, I did some reading. The last thing you want to do is beg for another chance.

Maybe check up on the 180. Search it in google. Good Luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

[Andrew42]

I keep reading the 180 over and over and I know it's right but with her not here I just can't get it out of my head that she's with him.

 

I even drove past the house earlier

[Marc878]

After I confronted her with the recording she went, I believe she's staying with a friend, I don't think she went straight to him but I may be wrong, I'm sat here now and although yesterday I had a good day with regards to feeling stronger I now feel I've gone back a bit, I'm missing her like crazy right now I really am.

 

She's text my lad I few times I know that but I've not put any pressure on him to tell me what they were.

 

Cheaters lie a lot and she may be blaming you for the affair. If you want to try and salvage the marriage full exposure to try and end the affair. If you want divorce stay quiet and try to push through favorable terms for you.

 

Sorry you're here.

[Marc878]

Stay strong. Do not beg, cry or plead to her.

[Andrew42]

Do I text her and ask to talk to her while our son is at school or am I being to hasty

[tinkerbell16]

Do I text her and ask to talk to her while our son is at school or am I being to hasty

 

I am curious what are you trying to achieve by talking with her?

[Andrew42]

It's the hurting that I'm really struggling with today, I just want my wife back

[standtall]

Dude, I feel for you.

 

You're mourning the loss of your marriage and it's ok.

 

I know you probably don't want to hear this right now, but you do not want her back. It will never be the same, and if you do temporarily reconcile, it will be just that...temporary. You will resent her for what she has done, and it will corrode whatever it left.

[tinkerbell16]

It's the hurting that I'm really struggling with today, I just want my wife back

 

I know the pain you are experiencing all too well. You do want your wife back. Sadly "your" wife is not the wife you are missing. She no longer exists. I remember waking many mornings and thinking wow that was a terrible dream and realizing my nightmare was reality. It is normal. You will pendulum between loving thoughts, to anger, to despair, to sadness to relief then back round again. It is a s$#+ storm and you are in the beginning. If I can give any advice it is stay as busy as possible. I worked long hours, exercised, cried, ran, biked then cried some more lol.

 

Frankly, deciding (if and I mean IF she wants to work on your marriage) if you are willing to accept her back is the hardest decision ever to make.

 

Ask yourself, can you ever really erase from your brain what you heard on that recording? More importantly can your heart erase it?

 

My ex was all over the place. Cruel and re-writing history (a good history) to alleviate his guilt to telling me he didn't want a divorce and he was confused. He would have conversations with me and the next day totally forget the entire conversation. It was crazy. Trying to infuse logic into an affair active spouses brain is useless and exhausting.

 

It's like a death in so many ways. You are mourning. Be kind to yourself. Protect yourself in every way, financially, mentally, physically.

[urmysong]

You have to be strong, Your not the only one who had breakups. When my husband broke up with me, I was also devastated. Couldn't sleep good and eat good cause cannot swallow the food. Thinking about our 4 year old son. It's been almost 3 months but sometimes I still can't help the pain inside so I have to cry so I can breathe well. We are married for almost 9 years.

I keep telling my self, I can live without him, I will be ok. I have to move on for my son and for my parents and sisters who love me. But yes, it is very painful to let him go cause he was my first boyfriend and first of everything. I was just 18 when I gave myself to him completely.

Though he send financial support every month but he doesnt even ask how is our son.

Takes time Andrew...it is been almost 3 months to me and i can say I am still not going good. But I go jogging, gym, singing, dancing zumba just too keep myself busy. So I am also reading all the advices on here.

Life must go on...be strong for Your lad...

Good luck to Us...

[oldshirt]

Oh another thing the attorney said was although the recording clearly shows evidence of adulterous activities I wouldn't be taken into account in a court of law if she denied it. Sounds absolutely crazy as the full recording is about 4 hours long about sex, a new place to live together, unprotected sex and how they were spending my money.

 

Most divorce courts and judges don't care who is screwing who. If you live in a no-fault state, it doesn't matter if you are divorcing your spouse because they are screwing the whole town or if they are squeezing the tube of toothpaste from the wrong end. It's all the same and none of it matters.

 

 

Where it may come in useful in court is if they were conspiring to steal money from you somehow.

 

 

 

 

The VAR recording is so YOU know what the reality is and can make an informed decision on what will be in your best interests.

 

 

The recording may also come in handy if her family doesn't believe that she had an affair and if she tries to deny it and blame you for being controlling.

[oldshirt]

Do I text her and ask to talk to her while our son is at school or am I being to hasty

 

Obviously you're paths are going to have to cross at some point as you have a house and child together.

 

 

However what is priority at this point is not working out any kind of details with her but rather to make sure you are protected legally and financially and that your access and relationship with your son can not be compromised.

 

 

Working with your lawyer to make sure you have those protections in place so that she can not empty out bank accounts, grab your sun and head off to parts unknown leaving you with the debts and the bills is your priority at the moment.

 

 

If you want to txt her to schedule a meeting at your lawyer's office with your lawyer officiating the meeting , go for it! If she has half an ounce of brains she won't do that, but if you want to meet her at your lawyer's office with him/her at your side, that would be great.

[2.50 a gallon]

No contact, you cannot nice her back. It will only make you look weak in her eyes.

Let me guess, you just woke up.

We are weakest when we first wake up

From the few facts, more and more it sounds like a MLC,

Walking out on her son and not putting up a fight?

Thinking of starting with somebody what maybe less than how many years older than her son?

And with a garbage pit?

I watched a neighbor lady do something similar. Up and walked out on her family of a Sophomore boy and a sister who was just starting college.

Told everybody she was madly in love with a coworker.

That is until the coworker called her husband and said get your wife away from me. She is nuts!

He was a married man, had and wanted nothing to do with her ever, and she was pursuing him, and trying to destroy his happy marriage and family.

Work, family, ganged up on her and forced her to see a doctor. Doctor found she was low on some hormone, or something (this was 55 years ago, so do not know or remember what)

[oldshirt]

It's the hurting that I'm really struggling with today, I just want my wife back

 

 

 

Sadly, you really need to look at this as a death.

 

 

If instead of her announcing she was leaving and finding out about the affair, she had been killed in a car accident instead, you would be in the same situation. You would be shocked, devastated, saddened, struggling and wanting her back.

 

 

This is much the same. Although she is still alive and breathing, the marriage you once knew and the wife and partner you used to know are now gone.

 

 

Things will never be the same. That marriage that used to be and that person you used to know, have now died and are gone.

 

 

Now a few people do manage to start anew and build back up from square one. The John Adams' here on LS have done that, but it has been 30 years of hard work and dedication. The key there though is both of them were committed to doing all the heavy lifting. Sounds like your wife has basically flown the coop.

 

 

For most people, it's easier, more efficient, healthier and has better long term recovery and well being to cut the cord and move on with a new life than to try to rebuild the damage that has occurred.

 

 

There is an author and blogger named Athol Kay that I follow and that reference quite a bit and he has saying, "it is easier to give birth than to resurrect the dead." Meaning it is easier to move and start anew than it is to gather up all the broken pieces and rebuild.

 

 

I am not trying to be a prophet of doom or a Debbie Downer, but I think your chance of a SUCCESSFUL reconciliation are infinitesimally small.

 

 

The marriages that successfully reconcile are the ones where the WS recognizes their mistake, feels true remorse, comes clean with their BS and does the heavy lifting day in and day out to repair the damage.

 

 

None of that occurred with you. Your STBX had announced her plans to leave, lied and covered up the affair, was caught red-handed with her hand in the cookie jar and what is most telling is that she has not lifted one finger to try to come back or ask for a second chance etc etc. At thi point we have to assume that she is moving forward with the affair and moving forward with her plans to be with the OM.

 

 

Even if the OM were to dump her (which he very well might) if she were to come crawling back at that point, you would know that you were her second choice and that she was just defaulting back to you for a roof over her head until she could find a different guy down the road. It would not be a true act of reconciliation. you would just be a place holder until she finds someone else.

 

 

I am sorry this is happening to you. this thread is heartbreaking to read, but you are getting a lot of good advice and support here. You will survive this and come out on top. We have all seen this play out many times and thus far you have been taking the right steps and doing the right things. Keep that up and you will survive and prevail.

[Andrew42]

I have had a text conversation with her and she's def does not want to come back and refuses to end the relationship with him.