tinkerbell16 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 I don't think for one minute that it can be mine, granted we don't use protection but let's just say the finale didn't go there If that (her being pregnant with your child) isn't a concern and this went on for 8 mos then I don't know how you could get back to trusting her 100%. That is a level of betrayal that required so many lies to maintain... which makes her both a liar and a cheater and I predict neither one of those characteristics you would marry again if you knew all the facts. There is still love between my ex and I. No doubt. Close to 30 years together...no way to deny that. But I could NEVER be with him again. The trust and respect is gone forever. Nothing to build on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kwacker39 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Hey Andrew42 - I think I'm going through a mirror image of your crisis . My wife of 21 years told me 8 weeks ago during marriage counselling that she didn't love me anymore and there was no chance of saving us . Then 10 days ago I found out she was seeing another man and had been for 10 weeks at least , probably a lot longer but she won't admit it . We have 2 kids of 11 and 17 and loads of history and memories . All of this seems to count for nought at moment - she is like a different person to the woman I love - I think gemini6 has some good advice for both of us - move on and start looking after yourself , you and I are worth more than this , we deserve so much better and I have to believe that eventually I will ( and you too ) come through this terrible experience stronger and hopefully better in the long term . I am taking any help offered , including from her side of the family who also can't believe her actions - I'm also trying to find a counsellor to help with my self esteem and trust issues which I know I will inevitably have if and when I meet someone else . I know what you are going through man and it's the worst feeling in the world - go with the emotions when you have to - ride the waves though , don't let them engulf you - stay strong for your boy - it will get better for us ! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 She says she isn't communicating with him anymore, but do I believe her? I dunno. I've told all our mutual friends about what has happened including her mum and sisters. I've actually just said to her 'look why don't you just go, if your not happy here and want to be with him then go, move in with him' The reply was 'I'm here for Ben, I don't want anyone, I'm here for Ben. But then I think it was only Tuesday she was telling him how they have a future and she loves him etc Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Hey Andrew42 - I think I'm going through a mirror image of your crisis . My wife of 21 years told me 8 weeks ago during marriage counselling that she didn't love me anymore and there was no chance of saving us . Then 10 days ago I found out she was seeing another man and had been for 10 weeks at least , probably a lot longer but she won't admit it . We have 2 kids of 11 and 17 and loads of history and memories . All of this seems to count for nought at moment - she is like a different person to the woman I love - I think gemini6 has some good advice for both of us - move on and start looking after yourself , you and I are worth more than this , we deserve so much better and I have to believe that eventually I will ( and you too ) come through this terrible experience stronger and hopefully better in the long term . I am taking any help offered , including from her side of the family who also can't believe her actions - I'm also trying to find a counsellor to help with my self esteem and trust issues which I know I will inevitably have if and when I meet someone else . I know what you are going through man and it's the worst feeling in the world - go with the emotions when you have to - ride the waves though , don't let them engulf you - stay strong for your boy - it will get better for us ! Man I'm so sorry we are both in this mess, wtf did we do to deserve all this, in fact what did our kids do to deserve all this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Her side of the family are definitely on my side, her mother and sister can't believe what she's done 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Andrew, a couple of things. She has made it clear she feels nothing for you with her actions and statements. You have already said she can come home for now as your son's mother, and your friend...stick to that. No 180, no reconciliation, no working on the marriage...work on you and move on. And, for God's sake, listen to these people that have been through it here, and lawyer up and find out if you need to be divorced by the time any suspected children are born. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 I never thought of that I will give them a ring after the weekend. The solicitor I saw on Wednesday was very positive it would be a straight forward case in my favour but then things would be split 50/50. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 I think I'm all cried out to be honest, it isn't gonna change anything so 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 She says she isn't communicating with him anymore, but do I believe her? I dunno. I've told all our mutual friends about what has happened including her mum and sisters. I've actually just said to her 'look why don't you just go, if your not happy here and want to be with him then go, move in with him' The reply was 'I'm here for Ben, I don't want anyone, I'm here for Ben. But then I think it was only Tuesday she was telling him how they have a future and she loves him etc Nope don't believe a word she says. It must be actions. The A needs to be verified that it is over and if she is planning on staying in the house and the A is still ongoing (which I am sure it is by the sound of this) then you need to expose the A pronto! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Oh I have, I went round to his dump of a house the other day, he's a young single lad, the best thing is whilst she thought it was all a secret he was bragging to his mates what he was doing and with who on social media, unfortunately my aunties granddaughter didn't put two and two together and realise it was my wife, that's how I know it's been going on since October, that's when he started bragging. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 I think I'm all cried out to be honest, it isn't gonna change anything so Andrew don't be me. I thought everything my WH told me post DDay was true because I thought he was my rock and he loved me. Instead gave me a year of finding broken no contact between him and his MOW. When he insisted it had ended and I had every tracking vice available on him and thought I verified the A was over. 2 years into R and the MOW dropped the bomb on me that their A had never ended. My WH ended their A and she told me. Now I am stuck, have no feelings for him, and contemplate D daily. I am working up a plan to leave by a certain goal date if I do not feel better and My WH doesn't change. Don't fight for her... Let her go! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Andrew don't be me. I thought everything my WH told me post DDay was true because I thought he was my rock and he loved me. Instead gave me a year of finding broken no contact between him and his MOW. When he insisted it had ended and I had every tracking vice available on him and thought I verified the A was over. 2 years into R and the MOW dropped the bomb on me that their A had never ended. My WH ended their A and she told me. Now I am stuck, have no feelings for him, and contemplate D daily. I am working up a plan to leave by a certain goal date if I do not feel better and My WH doesn't change. Don't fight for her... Let her go! I'm truly sorry to hear your story, it's heartbreaking how cruel a human being we loved can do this. I wish you all the best, keep me posted 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Man I'm so sorry we are both in this mess, wtf did we do to deserve all this, in fact what did our kids do to deserve all this? Affairs are about the people who start them, be it ego be it low self esteem needing validation who knows but despite how hard it is to believe you did nothing to "deserve" this hell. Even if your marriage was troubled there are healthy ways she should have managed fixing it. Screwing another guy for 8 months isn't one. It's not a reflection of you it is a reflection of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Affairs are about the people who start them, be it ego be it low self esteem needing validation who knows but despite how hard it is to believe you did nothing to "deserve" this hell. Even if your marriage was troubled there are healthy ways she should have managed fixing it. Screwing another guy for 8 months isn't one. It's not a reflection of you it is a reflection of her. Your right there, her answer to that is that I should of noticed, there is absolutely no remorse Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 BTW when I referred to British common law that includes the US and Canada where our common law comes from. Sorry I missed the fact on first go around that you have seen a lawyer. Good work. You'll know better than to listen to so called legal advice from WW that will twist whatever she may have learned her way. One more point in this lecture. Do not focus on OM whether or not that relationship is over. He didn't marry you and promise to forsake all others. Concentrate on yourself and your son. Don't seek her permission to do things with him outside of the house. The 180 teaches you tell her where you and your son are going, not ask. As for any solo trips to lawyer, counsellor or to meet with friends NONE of her business. There's a book I have not read but understand is free on line and very helpful. No More Mr Nice Guy. No the author isn't Alice Cooper. You have been too nice to her and whatever consequences she has faced have been self imposed. The next time she cries simply tell her "sorry you feel that way". Offer no comfort or support. Walk away and find something to do even if it's walking the dog. Or washing the car. Her problems are not your problems. She found another shoulder to cry on. Remember? Link to post Share on other sites
Kwacker39 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 I've racked my brain trying to think how I deserve the crap she is putting me through - at worst I've been complacent - but that's it ! We don't deserve any of this but we still have to deal with it - unfortunately that's the bottom line . Try to stay strong and don't beat yourself up about it ( easier said than done I know ) - take 1 day at a time , a cliche I know , but that's all I can do at the moment . Good luck and I'm sending you good vibes friend . Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Hi Andrew, A lot has happened in only five days. Usually the timeline of events is longer. Sunday (the 22nd) your wife told you the marriage is over. Monday (the 23rd) you started posting. Your WW told you she was leaving you and your son and moving on. There was no one else. In short she claimed to be a walk away wife. Tuesday (the 24th) You ask her to move out sooner than later. She DARVOs you and says are you throwing me out? Suddenly a VAR recording shows up out of no where with her and the OM and you throw her out. Later you state the recording was on your phone and played it for her. How did it get on your phone? When did you get the VAR? You emailed an attorney requesting an appointment. Wednesday (the 25th AM) You bag up her clothes and drop then off at boyfriends house. During the day you changed the locks. You also get an appointment to see an attorney basically same day they got the message. How did you discover his address and the fact he rented? You attorney told you some blunt truths. I don't understand the comment about your income. Your income is your income, her income is hers. At the end you bring up the the fact there has been unprotected sex. Thursday (the 26th) You start the day driving past a house she may be at. You spend the day on the roller coaster. Friday (the 27th) You call her in the AM in the morning using your son as an excuse. (yes, you where wrong to do so.). You discover the adultery started in Oct and her FBuddy was posting about it on social media. How did you become aware of this and is your WW aware of this fact? You ask should you believe her if she is being truthful about NC. The answer is NO. At this point she can't even believe herself. (the fog has it's own roller coaster). In the afternoon you bring up the question of pregnancy. In the evening you reveal you had listen to the recording earlier and learned she went to a doctors for a blood test. Today: The discussion has centered around the possibility of her being pregnant with OM child. You mentioned social media and your aunties granddaughter not putting two and two together. Who is this granddaughter? Your thread reads like a soap opera. You ask what to do: get a clue, get a grip and get a life to start. Your first clue: do not live in a soap opera. Get real with what is going on, get a plan and follow it. As this thread is long I will use another post to finish. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 (edited) To start do you live in England or Ireland ? The time stamps on your posts point to this. So what are the divorce laws where you live? You made a mistake asking her to come back. You need to understand that few people at this stage can take ownership of their actions. As a result they will blame shift and rewrite the martial history so that while they where wrong to commit adultery it was understandable. You need to assume letting her back in is only giving her a chance to prove it was your fault. You must use the 180 to prevent this and anticipate worst case scenarios and have counter measures in place. Stay in the home PERIOD. While divorce is pending plan on where you live post divorce. Now is the time to fully understand the custody laws of where you live. For example some locations will use the best interest of the child as the standard. Stability is always the top of the list. Can you afford to get an apartment or home in the school district that you live? How you address each other may be a factor, and the what you say about each other may be a factor. So for god sakes do not refer to her as a fool, or any other disrespectful term.. Say it is unfortunate that adultery took place and as a result it has forced you to move on. The only way to get of the roller coaster is to have a goal and a list of actions to achieve it. Edited June 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Your right this is unraveling like a soap opera, I've found out tonight that this has been going on since early 2014 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 (edited) So what are you gong to do about it? I mean a check list of actions with dates. Also who is aunties granddaughters? Do you rent or own? Have you thought about what form custody would take? You both work. Do you have family in the area that can and will help. Edited May 28, 2016 by Jersey born raised Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 It turns out my relations granddaughter knew about this but didn't realise it was my wife Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 So what are you gong to do about it? I mean a check list of actions with dates. Also who is aunties granddaughters? Do you rent or own? Have you thought about what form custody would take? You both work. Do you have family in the area that can and will help. We own the house My parents are in their 80's so I don't wanna burden them Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Ok but what about the other questions I asked you? It is fine to simply reply "at this time I am not comfortable providing this type of information". Instead you answer one small part and the answer only leads to more questions. For example: Relations? How is this granddaughter related to you. Your answer lack focus, this lack of focus is destroying you. You can vent here all you want - which is fine. In someways the most important part of being here is to vent. But venting does not change anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Sorry we crossed posted. Knowing you own is important to developing a plan. What else can you share? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Only I work, this apparently in English law means nothing, she can legally take half of everything 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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