Author Andrew42 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 The situation as it stands right now is this......she's here living at home but sleeping on the sofa. She maintains its over between us but she can't be away from her son so that's why she returned. She says her and the OM have had no contact since Friday morning. She says she doesn't know what she will do if in fact she is pregnant. She refuses to talk about if she'll carry on seeing the OM once she's moved out of here. So that's the update as it is now. Should of added as well she refuses to say if she's still seeing the OM now.
Kwacker39 Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 It's pretty weird how my situation is so similar to yours ( although I suppose this stuff is happening all the time , you just never think it will be you ! ) . My wife is sleeping in with our youngest boy who's 11 - she won't leave because she doesn't want to be apart from the boys . I'm positive she is seeing this other man (11years younger than me and 6 years younger than her ) while I have to live under the same roof as her - the situation is intolerable and so is yours - it's toxic for the atmosphere in the home - I know both my boys are struggling with it because although I'm not aggressive or abusive in any way to my wife , I can't even talk to her or look at her at the moment - if she speaks to me I respond but only in the briefest way possible . I think you and I have to be the bigger person and try to sort things out - I'm going to have to sit down with her and either try to get her to move into rented or we will have to sell our home , which would take at least 3 months even if we got an immediate offer . It's a right bloody mess tbh but that's my reality , much the same as yours I fear .
tinkerbell16 Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Should of added as well she refuses to say if she's still seeing the OM now. He doesn't really sound like a guy who would stick around for a baby. Soo....
tinkerbell16 Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Outside of this behavior (obviosly) curious what she was like as a mother?
Author Andrew42 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 It's pretty weird how my situation is so similar to yours ( although I suppose this stuff is happening all the time , you just never think it will be you ! ) . My wife is sleeping in with our youngest boy who's 11 - she won't leave because she doesn't want to be apart from the boys . I'm positive she is seeing this other man (11years younger than me and 6 years younger than her ) while I have to live under the same roof as her - the situation is intolerable and so is yours - it's toxic for the atmosphere in the home - I know both my boys are struggling with it because although I'm not aggressive or abusive in any way to my wife , I can't even talk to her or look at her at the moment - if she speaks to me I respond but only in the briefest way possible . I think you and I have to be the bigger person and try to sort things out - I'm going to have to sit down with her and either try to get her to move into rented or we will have to sell our home , which would take at least 3 months even if we got an immediate offer . It's a right bloody mess tbh but that's my reality , much the same as yours I fear . That's exactly the same
Author Andrew42 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 Outside of this behavior (obviosly) curious what she was like as a mother? Absolutely fantastic
CarrieT Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Asked: "Outside of this behavior (obviosly) curious what she was like as a mother?" You answered: Absolutely fantastic Andrew, I am going to take you to task on this one. Because your 15-year old son is going to be very quickly aware of what has happened, if he hasn't already. And subjecting your children to infidelity is NOT "absolutely fantastic." She is teaching him that it is okay to lie, deceive, and hurt someone to whom she made vows. The next few steps from you are crucial in the raising of your son: What would you suggest to him that his actions should be if he found out his wife was treating him the way yours is treating you? Raise by example. Teach your son how to be a man with honor by your next actions. 2
Author Andrew42 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 I've always tended to lead by example to him, he's a good kid with a good future but this has knocked him for six, he's outgoing but this last week he's gone into himself
Bufo Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 Let's apply a little Sherlock Holmes. OM was her deepest and truest love. Her soulmate. Her perfect match. (Insert any other thoughts WW may have about him). She leaves for him. Leaving behind son and BH. Then she returns, sort of. Not to fix the M but because she misses son. Query: what happened? Two things. First she left the home to be with OM. Second she is or may be pregnant with OM's baby. Either or both of these things may have been too much togetherness for OM who probably sought a quick piece with no emotional ties. He dumped her. Told her not only was there no future in the relationship, but also no present, either. Boots her out, cuts off contact and whatever financial support he may have been giving. She is adrift and returns. Still deeply in "love" with OM. Quit lying to you simply by saying nothing about the A or OM. She has what she wants: a roof over her head, a place to sleep and food on the table all at he request of BH. Brilliant, Holmes exclaimed Dr Watson. The evil plot is exposed. Your house is the opposite of DisneyWorld. It's the unhappiest place on earth. As,others have said, don't teach your son that being a doormat is a noble role. It's not. You cannot R with an unrepentant WW, you can't nice her back, you can't win doing a pick me dance. The only way out of fidelity as things now stand is divorce. Please find out what D requirements are wherever you live and get information on support and custody issues. 2
tinkerbell16 Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 I've always tended to lead by example to him, he's a good kid with a good future but this has knocked him for six, he's outgoing but this last week he's gone into himself It can really destroy a kid's sense of security and it can manifest as depression, anger (common for boys) and anxiety. Give him constant reassuring that you will always be there for him, no matter the circumstances or relationship you have or don't have with his mother. He needs to feel now more than ever a constant solid parent. Try not to say anything negative about your wife. Stay neutral. It is the only mother he has. These kids are savvy and know the deal if not now... in time. How you handle it will reflect on you and your relationship with your son forever. 2
stillafool Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 She says she isn't communicating with him anymore, but do I believe her? I dunno. I've told all our mutual friends about what has happened including her mum and sisters. I've actually just said to her 'look why don't you just go, if your not happy here and want to be with him then go, move in with him' The reply was 'I'm here for Ben, I don't want anyone, I'm here for Ben. But then I think it was only Tuesday she was telling him how they have a future and she loves him etc But she had left and you wanted her back. Why has she stopped communicating with OM? She has told you she doesn't feel anything for you so what is the purpose of her moving out when you both have agreed she is only there for Ben, not you.
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 But after all that's happened I still love her, I know I shouldn't but I can't just turn that off like a tap
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 No I've not seen anyone about all this only the attorney
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 I agree but other than making life difficult at home for her (which I'm doing) then how else do I get her out my life
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 She's there for Ben, I can't not let Ben see her, he knows what she's done but I have to let Ben have that bond with her don't I
tinkerbell16 Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 But after all that's happened I still love her, I know I shouldn't but I can't just turn that off like a tap It's normal to still love her. You have loved her for many years and you just got hit with a tsunami. Don't feel bad about it. You are human. You can't shut it off like a tap. It may NEVER fully go away. You didn't expect or deserve this life altering behavior. You are still in shock and will be for a while. Don't let other posters make you feel bad about feeling for her. They are just frustrated for you. Be kind to yourself. Your journey of healing is your journey. No one is the same and it will take as long as it takes to heal and not a moment less. 3
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 She can legally live there until either we both agree to sell the house or I buy her out, which I can't afford to do
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 It's normal to still love her. You have loved her for many years and you just got hit with a tsunami. Don't feel bad about it. You are human. You can't shut it off like a tap. It may NEVER fully go away. You didn't expect or deserve this life altering behavior. You are still in shock and will be for a while. Don't let other posters make you feel bad about feeling for her. They are just frustrated for you. Be kind to yourself. Your journey of healing is your journey. No one is the same and it will take as long as it takes to heal and not a moment less. Thank you, at the moment I still feel the same as I did she told me.
stillafool Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 I agree but other than making life difficult at home for her (which I'm doing) then how else do I get her out my life By having her live somewhere else. She was already out but you brought her back. She will always have a bond with Ben regardless of you, he's her son and she's his mother so nothing is going to change that. She can see him outside of YOUR home. You just want her there to keep her away from the OM. That may work for a moment but they will start the affair again because she is in love with him. If she has told you she feels nothing for you what are you hoping to gain by having her back? 2
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Posted May 30, 2016 Ok, an update on my feelings....... Today I feel I've turned a slight corner, I feel that I just need her gone although that is proving harder than I first thought as she's taken legal advice too. Anyway back to my emotions....... I'm starting to feel less and less as today's gone on, dunno if my mind is finally getting around all this mess.
tinkerbell16 Posted May 30, 2016 Posted May 30, 2016 Thank you, at the moment I still feel the same as I did she told me. The shi++× thing is they think they don't love you but sometimes they are so caught up in affair brain they don't see they are using an affair for some inner personal struggle. They turn on you to protect their shame (gaslighting, projection) when they realize the hole they dug. When the fog lifts it's too late usually to repair the damage and they live a life of regret. My ex tells me he still loves me, he will never love anyone as much as me, he regrets everything he did and cries almost daily over loosing me. Its a whopper of a mind f@$# to hear. You think you want to hear it until you hear it because you start to feel sorry and wonder if you tried hard enough... crazy.
Author Andrew42 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 I'm gonna try and fully clear out our bedroom over the next couple of days, bag up her remaining things (she's sleeping on the sofa at the min) Order a new bed, new sheets and duvet and try and in someways to clean the room of memories 2
tinkerbell16 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 I'm gonna try and fully clear out our bedroom over the next couple of days, bag up her remaining things (she's sleeping on the sofa at the min) Order a new bed, new sheets and duvet and try and in someways to clean the room of memories It will help you for sure. I did the same as well as removing all photos of him/us from our walls. I started running during this time too. It was so helpful in not only keeping me healthy but clearing my head of negative and sad emotions. 2
Author Andrew42 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 it would be a lot easier if she would move out
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