tinkerbell16 Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 But after all that's happened I still love her, I know I shouldn't but I can't just turn that off like a tap It's normal to still love her. You have loved her for many years and you just got hit with a tsunami. Don't feel bad about it. You are human. You can't shut it off like a tap. It may NEVER fully go away. You didn't expect or deserve this life altering behavior. You are still in shock and will be for a while. Don't let other posters make you feel bad about feeling for her. They are just frustrated for you. Be kind to yourself. Your journey of healing is your journey. No one is the same and it will take as long as it takes to heal and not a moment less. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 She can legally live there until either we both agree to sell the house or I buy her out, which I can't afford to do Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 It's normal to still love her. You have loved her for many years and you just got hit with a tsunami. Don't feel bad about it. You are human. You can't shut it off like a tap. It may NEVER fully go away. You didn't expect or deserve this life altering behavior. You are still in shock and will be for a while. Don't let other posters make you feel bad about feeling for her. They are just frustrated for you. Be kind to yourself. Your journey of healing is your journey. No one is the same and it will take as long as it takes to heal and not a moment less. Thank you, at the moment I still feel the same as I did she told me. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I agree but other than making life difficult at home for her (which I'm doing) then how else do I get her out my life By having her live somewhere else. She was already out but you brought her back. She will always have a bond with Ben regardless of you, he's her son and she's his mother so nothing is going to change that. She can see him outside of YOUR home. You just want her there to keep her away from the OM. That may work for a moment but they will start the affair again because she is in love with him. If she has told you she feels nothing for you what are you hoping to gain by having her back? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 Ok, an update on my feelings....... Today I feel I've turned a slight corner, I feel that I just need her gone although that is proving harder than I first thought as she's taken legal advice too. Anyway back to my emotions....... I'm starting to feel less and less as today's gone on, dunno if my mind is finally getting around all this mess. Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 Thank you, at the moment I still feel the same as I did she told me. The shi++× thing is they think they don't love you but sometimes they are so caught up in affair brain they don't see they are using an affair for some inner personal struggle. They turn on you to protect their shame (gaslighting, projection) when they realize the hole they dug. When the fog lifts it's too late usually to repair the damage and they live a life of regret. My ex tells me he still loves me, he will never love anyone as much as me, he regrets everything he did and cries almost daily over loosing me. Its a whopper of a mind f@$# to hear. You think you want to hear it until you hear it because you start to feel sorry and wonder if you tried hard enough... crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Share Posted May 31, 2016 I'm gonna try and fully clear out our bedroom over the next couple of days, bag up her remaining things (she's sleeping on the sofa at the min) Order a new bed, new sheets and duvet and try and in someways to clean the room of memories 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 I'm gonna try and fully clear out our bedroom over the next couple of days, bag up her remaining things (she's sleeping on the sofa at the min) Order a new bed, new sheets and duvet and try and in someways to clean the room of memories It will help you for sure. I did the same as well as removing all photos of him/us from our walls. I started running during this time too. It was so helpful in not only keeping me healthy but clearing my head of negative and sad emotions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Share Posted May 31, 2016 it would be a lot easier if she would move out Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Have you asked her to move out? Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Andrew Warning, watch your backside. She is in a position, where she can make a false domestic violence report, get you kicked out and unable to come home, and move the OM in. Sometime back, an LSer from across the pond had that done to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Yup, be aware of that possibility. Not a lot you can do but don't provoke her, and certainly don't do anything to suggest that you would ever get physical. My exW threatened me with that while we were divorcing but still living in the same house. I said great, how about I call them for you... and I dialed 911. Then I held the phone in my hand (she didn't know I had actually dialed) and challenged her about it. She continued to rant and threaten false accusations while the call was being recorded. The police arrived shortly after and reminded her that making a false accusation was a serous offense. She continued the emotional tirade while I stood there calm and composed. She told them I was dangerous and had guns in the house. I acknowledged the guns and said that they were safely locked away. Nothing came of it, but I did have her on record, along with the incident report, threatening a false accusation. She was definitely a charmer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Share Posted May 31, 2016 I've asked her to leave, even said isn't there anywhere you can go now, today but she's refusing to until she's got a place, and the best thing is legally she can use my money to do it Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 it would be a lot easier if she would move out The fact that she hasn't moved out indicates her and the other man are likely over or on the rocks. Not that this matters to your marriage... just an indication. They were hot and heavy about living together in the recoding and now she is on the couch... because she has no options. Things got too messy for OM. My guess. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 I've asked her to leave, even said isn't there anywhere you can go now, today but she's refusing to until she's got a place, and the best thing is legally she can use my money to do it It makes it MUCH harder for her to use your money when you have moved all of the money to your name only and closed credit cards that are in her name. Why aren't YOU protecting yourself? You should. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Share Posted June 1, 2016 My attorney has advised me not to touch any money that's in bank accounts in her name, legally although its originally mine she has a 100% claim to it, crazy I know Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 My attorney has advised me not to touch any money that's in bank accounts in her name, legally although its originally mine she has a 100% claim to it, crazy I know Then make sure all money that doesn't have her name only on it gets switched into accounts with only your name. Protect what you do have - or know that she will move it to her name only. Help yourself by protecting what you can. And don't have ANY more money in a place (or account) where she can access it. Change all passwords to something she won't guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 It doesn't matter that you still love her. You can love her until the day you die. Unrequited love, the theme of many 19th Century and 20th Century romance novels. She's not repentant or even sorry for what she did. You cannot reconcile with an unrepentant spouse. Read any number of threads here and it's a common observation from hard knocks experience. Not just from some book. If there is no repenance or even good faith attempt to try to R, then your only way out of infidelity is D. Start the process tomorrow. Each day you delay is one more day until the misery is over. IMHO separation is like treading water. You are feeling safer but getting nowhere. You're not in Limbo. You are in a version of Hell she's still in the A mentally. If OM blinked at her she'd be with him faster than a speeding bullet. Why don't you read these posts. If we are wrong, please tell us why. Unless you enjoy being miserable, that is. I'm done here unless you take positive action. I'm not interested in reading excuses and self pity. Yes it hurts like hell. But you can choose to get out of Hell. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 We have been going around in cycles for days now. Andrew you will continue t go around in cycles for decades until you decide to get of the carousel. You need to be the 180. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. Keep re-reading, reviewing your actions and work on being better every day. You saw an attorney what did they advise as to: Custody, your on is 15 how much imput will he have? Assets: do you have ownership in her cab company you mentioned in your first several posts? What common assets are there? Spousal support: she is working does she make enough so you can avoid spousal support? Have you open accounts in your name? Have you arranged to have your money deposited in it? The accounts in her name, if you are not a signee on the account how can you access the funds to begin with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Share Posted June 1, 2016 The court will take the wishes of my son into account, she obviously doesn't want him with her because that will get in the way of the new love nest. The only income she has is from the family firm, apparently I cannot deny her the right to that income in British law The bank accounts are in her name so I cannot get access to any money now in them. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 My attorney has advised me not to touch any money that's in bank accounts in her name, legally although its originally mine she has a 100% claim to it, crazy I know That is what happens when your are married, there is no "your" money, as soon as it becomes marital money, then she is entitled to at least 1/2 of it. Here, I guess the money is in her name for tax reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 It's all very well having a go at Andrew, but under UK law there is not a lot he can do. If his wife's name is on the mortgage she is legally entitled to live in the house until it is sold and she gets 50% of any equity. Andrew can't force her out - the courts here wouldn't care if she'd slept with a thousand men. The quickest way to resolve this would be to start divorce proceedings and put the house up for sale. All money and custody issues also need to be sorted out by the courts, unless both parties can come to mutual agreement. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Share Posted June 1, 2016 It's all very well having a go at Andrew, but under UK law there is not a lot he can do. If his wife's name is on the mortgage she is legally entitled to live in the house until it is sold and she gets 50% of any equity. Andrew can't force her out - the courts here wouldn't care if she'd slept with a thousand men. The quickest way to resolve this would be to start divorce proceedings and put the house up for sale. All money and custody issues also need to be sorted out by the courts, unless both parties can come to mutual agreement.[/quote I'm looking into selling the house to pay her off but that's not as easy as it sounds Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 It's all very well having a go at Andrew, but under UK law there is not a lot he can do. If his wife's name is on the mortgage she is legally entitled to live in the house until it is sold and she gets 50% of any equity. Andrew can't force her out - the courts here wouldn't care if she'd slept with a thousand men. The quickest way to resolve this would be to start divorce proceedings and put the house up for sale. All money and custody issues also need to be sorted out by the courts, unless both parties can come to mutual agreement.[/quote I'm looking into selling the house to pay her off but that's not as easy as it sounds How are you holding up? Have you told the rest of your family? Are you getting support (emotionally) from friends/family? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Share Posted June 1, 2016 Friends have been great, none of them can understand what the hell she's playing at. Last couple of days have been ok but had a moment to myself earlier when I couldn't stop crying. I've made enquiries as to selling the house, paying her off and then she can go do what the hell she likes. Because she's here although I'm trying my hardest with the 180 I still find myself wondering who she's texting etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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