20 years and gone

[CarrieT]

She earns roughly the same as me yes.

 

Things have took a turn for the worse tonight, she didn't realise I was in the other room as she was talking to her mom on the phone, she was saying how she's taken things of value and hidden them at a friends including a large amount of money, is there anything I can do?

 

Ask your lawyer, not an internet forum. The laws are going to be different where you are and where we - your faceless support group - reside.

[trolloperative]

Like I said a few pages back, while you're sobbing she's planning. Actually most people on here have been telling you to seek the advice of an attorney. This woman is now your enemy, treat her as such.

[FTD]

Andrew:

 

You know your wife of 20 years better than anyone on the planet. You said she grew distant then abruptly left. You said she is gone. I am so sorry to tell you, but you are right. Your wife is no more.

 

Please make an appointment for her with a neurologist and relay everything you can about your wife's behavior. I'm sure you noticed glitches in her personality starting about 2 or 3 years ago.

 

Sounds like frontotemporal dementia. There is no such thing as a midlife crisis, sir. It is a terminal brain disease that first destroys love for their most cherished.

[Andrew42]

People were right when you guys said she will be planning behind your back, I thought 'no not my wife' but you guys were right

[tinkerbell16]

People were right when you guys said she will be planning behind your back, I thought 'no not my wife' but you guys were right

 

We have all been where you are at and we have seen the ugly truth. She is no longer your wife and your marriage is over. Make no mistake she will step on your neck to get what she wants. Do not be fooled or naive. See your lawyer, put a plan in action and protect yourself and your son.

[beatcuff]

People were right when you guys said she will be planning behind your back, I thought 'no not my wife' but you guys were right

 

Andrew the reason is you are just coming to realize your life as you know it has changed. W came to that same conclusion about one YEAR before her A. further she may have 'debated' it for a considerable (years) amount of time before that.

 

that means she is already moving forward with her life. a/k/a a big head start.

 

the quicker you realize this the quicker you can minimize her advantage. yes, you can wallow in self pity, yes you can wish it 'away', yes you can... BUT you also need to move forward. get an atty and follow their advice. get counseling. do the 180. above all start NOW.

[KBarletta]

I second what the other posters have said. You need to talk to an attorney ASAP. If your wife is hiding valuables from you, that means you can't trust anything she does or says anymore.

 

My advice: Don't let on that you know what she's up to, consult an attorney, file for divorce and do everything you can to maximize your advantage and protect yourself and your child for the future. She has already started building a new life - you need to do the same.

 

I wish you luck!

[Andrew42]

I've contacted my attorney and requested a telephone meeting, I need to know where I stand with her taking things and money.

I also need to know if the house is secure for me and ben

[Mittens]

Your solicitor (attorney is an American term and you are in the UK) will more than likely suggest applying for search and/or freezing order...your ex wife would be required to provide details of all bank accounts and account for any money that has been taken out and/or moved.

 

These orders can even be applied for after the divorce has gone through...the financial case can be reopened and an order applied at any time.

 

Regarding items of value, you need to make a list of what you think she's taken and provide that to your solicitor. Your wife can then be ordered to either produce the items, or if she's sold them, return the money. She can't be taking anything until the division of assets has been settled in the divorce.

[elaine567]

Your solicitor (attorney is an American term and you are in the UK) will more than likely suggest applying for search and/or freezing order...your ex wife would be required to provide details of all bank accounts and account for any money that has been taken out and/or moved.

 

These orders can even be applied for after the divorce has gone through...the financial case can be reopened and an order applied at any time.

 

Regarding items of value, you need to make a list of what you think she's taken and provide that to your solicitor. Your wife can then be ordered to either produce the items, or if she's sold them, return the money. She can't be taking anything until the division of assets has been settled in the divorce.

 

Problem here is that a lot of the money, according to what Andrew said previously, is in her accounts, and he has already been informed by his solicitor that he has no right to money in accounts that are only in her name. #291

[Andrew42]

Your solicitor (attorney is an American term and you are in the UK) will more than likely suggest applying for search and/or freezing order...your ex wife would be required to provide details of all bank accounts and account for any money that has been taken out and/or moved.

 

These orders can even be applied for after the divorce has gone through...the financial case can be reopened and an order applied at any time.

 

Regarding items of value, you need to make a list of what you think she's taken and provide that to your solicitor. Your wife can then be ordered to either produce the items, or if she's sold them, return the money. She can't be taking anything until the division of assets has been settled in the divorce.

 

That will include jewellery and valuables as well as money?

[Andrew42]

Problem here is that a lot of the money, according to what Andrew said previously, is in her accounts, and he has already been informed by his solicitor that he has no right to money in accounts that are only in her name. #291

 

No it's not money in accounts it's physical cash that we were saving for holidays etc

 

I know she's took it because I overheard the conversation about how 'she's already started sneaking things out without me knowing'

[elaine567]

No it's not money in accounts it's physical cash that we were saving for holidays etc

 

I know she's took it because I overheard the conversation about how 'she's already started sneaking things out without me knowing'

 

Ok but you were far too trusting there, leaving cash lying about. Of course she was going to take it.

Its gong to cost you a lot in court/solicitors fees to get it back so you may just have to write that off, and how can you prove it even existed anyway?

[Andrew42]

I recorded her conversation about sneezing in out, so she can't deny it.

So, do I act as if I know nothing or start asking questions?

[Andrew42]

I don't trust her anymore so everything I say or think it might be useful I quickly press a recording app on my phone

[trolloperative]

Andrew, so sorry you're going through this. Glad you're getting things moving. Truth is this woman probably checked out of your marriage years ago and has a headstart emotionally. She's thinking with her head, moving quickly and you should too. I can't help with the legal stuff but keep in mind whatever she takes or you give her will be shared with the OM. Keep that thought in your head as incentive.

[Andrew42]

Andrew, so sorry you're going through this. Glad you're getting things moving. Truth is this woman probably checked out of your marriage years ago and has a headstart emotionally. She's thinking with her head, moving quickly and you should too. I can't help with the legal stuff but keep in mind whatever she takes or you give her will be shared with the OM. Keep that thought in your head as incentive.

 

Yes it's like she's already come to terms with our marriage being over, she's cold, nasty and heartless

[FTD]

Andrew:

 

You and your wife were not living a lie for 20 years. You are traumatized right now, but your wife may be very ill. Have you researched frontotemporal dementia, a devastating brain disease that strikes people in their prime?

 

Have you made an appt. for your wife to see a neurologist? Take care of the legal matters because she has lost her empathy and love for you, and will leave you penniless without batting an eye, then get her to a neurologist.

 

Please don't despair. She would still be madly in love with if she were well.

[Mittens]

That will include jewellery and valuables as well as money?

 

If it's jewellery given to her as gifts then you can't claim it back, unless it was expressly stated at the time of giving that in the event of a divorce that it would have to be returned. They come under the Married Woman's Property Act and are considered absolute gifts.

 

Other valuables? You will need to sort that out in court, more than likely.

 

Cash? Was it money taken from a bank account? If so, there will be a record of the withdrawal, your solicitor can request an order where your wife would need to explain why the money was withdrawn and what was done with it.

 

If it was money that had never been in any account and just kept in the house, you are going to find it hard to prove it even existed, let alone that your wife took it.

Edited June 11, 2016 by Mittens

[elaine567]

Cash? Was it money taken from a bank account? If so, there will be a record of the withdrawal, your solicitor can request an order where your wife would need to explain why the money was withdrawn and what was done with it.

 

No, it was saved "cash" that was in the house. no bank accounts involved.

They have a family business, it probably never touched an account.

 

No it's not money in accounts it's physical cash that we were saving for holidays etc

[Andrew42]

It's all such a mess, she's turned into a heartless woman that I don't even know, in my heart I love her to bits but I can't show her that.

I need her out the house so that I can start to forget about her but the solicitor has confirmed she has rights to be there, I still can't work out why she's not moved in with the OM and she refuses to tell me if she's keeping the pregnancy.

This really is making my head a complete shed.

[elaine567]

Yes it's like she's already come to terms with our marriage being over, she's cold, nasty and heartless

 

She didn't just dream this up overnight, I guess this has been going on for a long long time, whilst you are blindsided, she has already come to terms with leaving you.

The affair has just focussed her attention and given her the final push to do it.

She is distancing herself from you, as she doesn't want to falter and give in and just stay in the marriage, as that would be easy to do, but she knows she would regret it.

She has to dehumanise you to protect herself and make sure she carries out her intention to go.

[elaine567]

It's all such a mess, she's turned into a heartless woman that I don't even know, in my heart I love her to bits but I can't show her that.

I need her out the house so that I can start to forget about her but the solicitor has confirmed she has rights to be there, I still can't work out why she's not moved in with the OM and she refuses to tell me if she's keeping the pregnancy.

This really is making my head a complete shed.

 

As you are both essentially equal as far as the house is concerned, then she is staking her claim. The house is as much hers as it is yours, you have no more right to stay there than she does. It is not in her best interests to let you have free rein here.

Is the house on the market?

Have you investigated getting a new place for you to live with or without your son?

[Andrew42]

I've made an enquiry to sell the house and rent it back but they haven't come back to me yet.

[elaine567]

I've made an enquiry to sell the house and rent it back but they haven't come back to me yet.

 

Has your wife agreed to that arrangement?

I guess your wife will want it sold outright at full market value, not on a rent back scheme, as you will get a lot less money for the house that way.