KBarletta Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 As hard as it is, and as expensive as the prospect is, I agree that you should file yourself and get the process under way. As she is pregnant, depending on the laws where you are, you could end up being financially responsible for that child unless you push forward with the divorce right away. I agree also with other posters that it gives you control over the situation (real or imagined, sometimes it doesn't matter), it's all about taking control over your own life. Good that you are seeing a counselor. That will definitely help. I would file the D and deal with the financial consequences later. The alternative is to stay in limbo and end up spending the money later anyway - which doesn't sound any better to me. Best of luck to you!
tinkerbell16 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Oh get this, when I said I didn't want her communicating with him while she's still here, her response was 'I'm being unreasonable' Wow. I am speechless. That is unbelievable. I am sorry you are going through this. One day she will realize what a mess she has made and she will regret it. They always do... In some strange way these unbelievably hurtful things they tell you are actually helpful. I know, I know... sounds crazy but whenever I used to think about saving my marriage I would replay the awful things he said and did in my head to keep me on track (divorce). So yes, in a weird way these little nugets are helpful in keeping you from being tempted to ever go back.
tinkerbell16 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Wow. I am speechless. That is unbelievable. I am sorry you are going through this. One day she will realize what a mess she has made and she will regret it. They always do... In some strange way these unbelievably hurtful things they tell you are actually helpful. I know, I know... sounds crazy but whenever I used to think about saving my marriage I would replay the awful things he said and did in my head to keep me on track (divorce). So yes, in a weird way these little nugets are helpful in keeping you from being tempted to ever go back.
Kwacker39 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Andrew , when I told my wife it was unacceptable for her to keep living in our house but continuing to see the OM she said '' for how long ?'' - as though if she left it a week or so it would then be ok ! I'm still feeling your pain man as I go through the same sort of s...t that you do . I actually think another entity as invaded the body and mind of my wife - totally different person .
Justanaverageguy Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) I'm still feeling your pain man as I go through the same sort of s...t that you do . I actually think another entity as invaded the body and mind of my wife - totally different person . I know it seems that way - but this type of behavior is so common for cheating women. A brief read through the forums will show you that as crazy as their behavior seems .... its really kind of par for the course in these situations. In their 30-40's women have some pretty major hormonal changes with testosterone going through the roof. Guys have no idea about this - they are going the other way with their's dropping. Women in long term relationships where the "spark" has faded and they have been starved of the chemicals produced by attraction, infatuation and lust - just go bat **** crazy when they get into an affair. It literally appears like they are on drugs - because their body is actually dumping heaps of chemicals associated with those feelings into their systems. The chemicals the body produces are essentially the same as those you get when smoking crack. I'm not kidding they really are. They stop making logical decisions and act like crazy teenage girls. I know its small solace but no that your not alone. Also know that this does wear off - unfortunately it normally takes 6-12 months before the woman come to her senses and start resembling a normal human being again. Essentially this is what people now call the women's "eat, pray, love" mid life crisis. Edited June 8, 2016 by Justanaverageguy 2
elaine567 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 She owns half the house so he cannot force her out of her own home very easily. I guess her best case scenario would be for Andrew42 to leave.
elaine567 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I know it seems that way - but this type of behavior is so common for cheating women. A brief read through the forums will show you that as crazy as their behavior seems .... its really kind of par for the course in these situations. In their 30-40's women have some pretty major hormonal changes with testosterone going through the roof. Guys have no idea about this - they are going the other way with their's dropping. Women in long term relationships where the "spark" has faded and they have been starved of the chemicals produced by attraction, infatuation and lust - just go bat **** crazy when they get into an affair. It literally appears like they are on drugs - because their body is actually dumping heaps of chemicals associated with those feelings into their systems. The chemicals the body produces are essentially the same as those you get when smoking crack. I'm not kidding they really are. They stop making logical decisions and act like crazy teenage girls. OK but 30-40s is also the time when men tend to have affairs too. Marriages getting boring and predictable, money, kids and jobs having taken their toll on the core relationship. Am I still attractive to the opposite sex? I need to find out.
Author Andrew42 Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 I just wish I could have my wife back but that's not going to happen now
tinkerbell16 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I just wish I could have my wife back but that's not going to happen now I know how you are feeling. I remember looking at my ex H and seeing a familiar face but he had no life behind his eyes. It was bizarre. He is back... more or less... 2 years post divorce. Full of regret, apologies, anger (now directed at himself instead of me thankfully) and he says he will never be happy again and never love anyone as much as he loved me. I am completely shut off from him. Once they put you through what they do, even if they come "back" your heart is protected from them. I love him, as the father of my kids and the man I spent many happy years with, but I know my heart will never feel safe with him, therefore I would never take him back. He was a selfish and stupid man to throw away what we had. He isn't the first and won't be the last... mid life crises is pretty common and usually occurs when kids are leaving the house or close to... mine were high school and college age and we had been together 30 yrs. The up side is he looks like he has aged 10 years and I look 10 years younger. It is amazing how poor decisions can show on a person's face. Stay strong. Focus on you and your sons future. You WILL find joy again. You WILL experience love again. You WILL become the best version of yourself after getting through this and it WILL NOT BREAK YOU 1
2.50 a gallon Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Andrew: I know how you would like to have you wife back, I was there. She has changed, she will never be the wife you knew, it is like an alien has taken over her body. Trust me: Cheaters cheat down. And although it does not happen over night, someday in the future you will find some one new, and she will be younger, prettier, and light years ahead of what you have now. 2
Justanaverageguy Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) OK but 30-40s is also the time when men tend to have affairs too. Marriages getting boring and predictable, money, kids and jobs having taken their toll on the core relationship. Am I still attractive to the opposite sex? I need to find out. Yeah true Men do cheat - it happens but there seems to be a very interesting difference with the way men and women cheat. For men they seem to be able to compartmentalize affair sex differently. Most never even consider leaving their wives when cheating - some do but its in the minority. Most have a bit of fun on the side maybe even a mistress but the wife is still the wife and they stick with her unless they get caught out. They prioritize attachment with their long term partner over the short term attraction with their affair partner. Women are different. For them usually they can't separate the two. Love seems to be more about the feeling of "attraction" to their partner. If she feels that for another guy and cheats its pretty much curtains on the original relationship. Sex, lust and infatuation with another partner has a much more powerful affect on them.They consider the crazy emotions and chemicals in the "infatuation" stage of a new relationship to be "love". A man tends to see this as lust. Edited June 8, 2016 by Justanaverageguy
ladydesigner Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I just wish I could have my wife back but that's not going to happen now Even if you had her back, you would never look at her the same way again after all she has done. My views about my WH post False R have not changed. I know deep in my heart I can't keep living like this. Being in limbo is another hell unto itself. (((Andrew))) I hope you are doing well today!
Author Andrew42 Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 I get the whole 'I don't love you' and the 'and haven't done for a long time' but why couldn't she of told me then and we parted and she could of done what the hell she likes then but no it's the months of lies and cheating that make me feel physically sick
kgcolonel Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I get the whole 'I don't love you' and the 'and haven't done for a long time' but why couldn't she of told me then and we parted and she could of done what the hell she likes then but no it's the months of lies and cheating that make me feel physically sick Andrew...like what was said earlier, remember this as the reason you no longer could ever see her the same as before. She choose to make these gaffs in the families life. She alone is responsible for the betrayal not just to you but to the family and your social circle. She deserves no pity (trust us, she'll come around at some point with the "I'm so sorry, I don't deserve to live for what i've done blah blay.) We all have crossroads in our lives, fortunately, you caught the one's she's been making that demoted you and your family if favor of her getting her willies with the OM. Time will prove how foolish this is. Best to you!!!
Author Andrew42 Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 Looking back at our marriage we had some crazy times, we married in Vegas, we eat in Michelin starred restaurants across the world, brought a family up, laughed and cried together. But although those memories will never go, she has. I will get through this, me and my son will get through this.
Kwacker39 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I don't know if you feel the same as me Andrew but I too have thousands of happy memories of my marriage - but because she has lied so much and cheated behind my back , all of those memories which were so precious and unique to us are now tainted and I can't ( at the moment ) look back at them without connecting them all to her and her betrayal . It truly is heartbreaking . 1
Author Andrew42 Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 I don't know if you feel the same as me Andrew but I too have thousands of happy memories of my marriage - but because she has lied so much and cheated behind my back , all of those memories which were so precious and unique to us are now tainted and I can't ( at the moment ) look back at them without connecting them all to her and her betrayal . It truly is heartbreaking . Right now the memories are still strong, too strong if I'm totally honest but I've got to be strong for my lad. Is your ex wife still in the house or has she gone yet?
Kwacker39 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 She's still living here - as u know it's complicated when kids are involved , I would have got out by now otherwise ! I'd like her to move into rented so my boys and I can stay living here and keep some stability and I could continue to pay the mortgage - but she's refusing to do that saying it would '' weaken her position '' . So for now we are stuck in this horrible limbo where we try to ignore each other . I think it's probably inevitable that I will be forced to sell this house so I can be rid of her - it just means we would have joint custody but the boys would have to share a bedroom at each of our houses because we would both only be able to afford a 2 bed property . Have you got your house up for sale yet and if so how does your boy feel about having to move out ? I know my boys don't want to !
Author Andrew42 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Posted June 9, 2016 I'm in exactly the same situation, she too refuses to move until she 'finds somewhere' but then I know she's not really looking, when I suggest somewhere she always says 'I can't afford it' I've made enquiries about selling and me renting it back long term to give Ben some stability but they haven't come back to me yet. She still refuses to talk, I've asked about the pregnancy but she won't tell me anything
Author Andrew42 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Posted June 9, 2016 She's kicked off big time today because I said that while she's living here then she needs to pay half of everything, surely I'm right?
Kwacker39 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 My god Andrew - I think we are living in a parallel universe ! I had this conversation with my wife about 2 weeks ago and initially she wasn't happy . However I was persistent and firm and so she agreed to pay around 40%towards all bills including the mortgage . So far she has paid 2/3rds of what we agreed but still owes me around £150 towards this months payment - and this is the first 1 so it doesn't bode well . It's ok them agreeing to it but another thing it actually happening ! Good luck though .
Author Andrew42 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Posted June 9, 2016 She's really kicked off about it, and in reality I only said it in a moment of anger when she said she couldn't afford to move anywhere
kgcolonel Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 She's really kicked off about it, and in reality I only said it in a moment of anger when she said she couldn't afford to move anywhere Never mind you only said it in a moment of anger....she's made her bed....now let her finance it with her BF. Look out for yourself and your kid...she's certainly not looking out for you or her son.
Kwacker39 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Does your wife earn her own money Andrew ? Does she have any savings or suchlike ? If at all possible she should be contributing to your household expenses - it's the least you could expect all things considered !
Author Andrew42 Posted June 9, 2016 Author Posted June 9, 2016 She earns roughly the same as me yes. Things have took a turn for the worse tonight, she didn't realise I was in the other room as she was talking to her mom on the phone, she was saying how she's taken things of value and hidden them at a friends including a large amount of money, is there anything I can do?
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