ladydesigner Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 It's her that is chasing the OM I've found out today Andrew you are doing good keep plowing forward with your life and get healthy. One day you will probably be hearing from her talking about how she got dumped (while pregnant) by her AP. If that is not popcorn worthy I don't know what is. One day you will be able to look back on this and be thankful you dodged such a bullet. Many well wishes to you!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 House is now up for sale and I've found somewhere to rent Chapter One of your new and amazing life! Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 A local politician here had as an election slogan these words: Relentless Positive Action I don't normally confuse election slogans for wisdom but this one is different. You are showing relentless positive action in your dealings with WW. A huge improvement from your initial posts. The train is leaving the station and she's not boarding. I think you understand that's her problem, not yours. Keep moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 Hi Andrew, You should read post #36 on this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/584891-do-many-affair-partners-encourage-married-person-stay-married-3.html This is who she wants. From his PIV he is thinking how the hell did I let this happen. Andrew, this is her mess, not yours or your son. Accept that this was an exit affair and a complete rejection of your life together. She wants something different, but so do you. A wife that wants what you want and your WS will never be that woman. At best a future with her will include "if only I chosen differently but now I am stuck and cannot do better". Never accept these terms with anyone no matter what. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 I still cry most days and inside I'm hurting like hell but I've got to look forward, I've spent the last few weeks looking at the past too much. She is still here and has a terrible attitude towards me, I try and speak only when it's about Ben, I still find it very hard to understand how she can be so cruel and cold Link to post Share on other sites
not-so-sure Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 I still cry most days and inside I'm hurting like hell but I've got to look forward, I've spent the last few weeks looking at the past too much. She is still here and has a terrible attitude towards me, I try and speak only when it's about Ben, I still find it very hard to understand how she can be so cruel and cold Something my wife sent to me the other day. "don't dwell & end up living in the past. Think on the positive - actions you can do, thoughts, motivations, activities that are happy, considerate ... Positive. It is harder & more challenging to choose to be positive rather than take the easy route of negativity, blame & cynicism." The past is gone. Only you get to shape what is yet to be. Resolve to move on. Accept that these negative feelings will come... They will come and they will feel overwhelming but like a wave it will crest and if you hold out it will pass and you will feel better. Accept that the negative feelings while real, will pass and will lessen in intensity over time. Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 I still cry most days and inside I'm hurting like hell but I've got to look forward, I've spent the last few weeks looking at the past too much. She is still here and has a terrible attitude towards me, I try and speak only when it's about Ben, I still find it very hard to understand how she can be so cruel and cold I cried the other day for my marriage lost. My mom had cleaned out a photo album and removed photos of my ex. It was her own way of healing. They were such beautiful family photos. We looked happy, he looked happy. There is no denying we WHERE happy. Was I not beautiful enough? Is this my fault? Should I have waited to file for divorce? All those questions started ruminating in my head. Reality set in. I was beautiful enough, it was not my fault and I had no choice BUT to divorce a man who had turned on me, on our family. His sudden mid life crises made no sense. Our kids are perminantly damaged from the abrupt ending of our family. I cried because looking at their smiles in these photo they were still so innocent not knowing of the destruction that lie ahead. I got that regret speech from him a few weeks ago... which included how "he will never love anyone as much as me". I wonder if his girlfriend knows. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 I still cry most days and inside I'm hurting like hell but I've got to look forward, I've spent the last few weeks looking at the past too much. She is still here and has a terrible attitude towards me, I try and speak only when it's about Ben, I still find it very hard to understand how she can be so cruel and cold Andrew, It has only been a little while and your life has been turned upside down. Of course, you are still upset. That is natural. You will endure it and are doing so for you and your son. When I was gone from the house, I went back to get photos. I had bags of them. I was separating them, some for my XH and some for me. I sobbed the entire time I was going through them. He sat and watched me and he could have been watching a movie for all of the emotion he showed. He was so cold, emotionless, cruel - even, in his attitude towards me. Married 22 years and had a son together and I was no more important than an acquaintance. He even blamed me for leaving and saying it was my fault that I left. This, while he was happy as a clam with his girlfriend. I was shocked by his callous attitude toward me through the entire process. Then... His girlfriend and he stopped doing so well. The perfect life he thought he had was far from perfect. He and she went around and around and finally ended their lovely relationship. He cried for himself. Time and life went on and FINALLY, he started to have some idea of what he had done to his family and, Andrew, by this time, it wasn't enough to make me change my mind. The damage was done and I had no use for someone who could cast me away like yesterday's garbage and treat his son like a stranger. I only felt sorry for him. My point - sorry, it took so long to say, is that you have to go through this mess to get to the other side. I wish it were not true, but it is. You will come out of this with some scars, but you and your son will have a good bond, as you will be there for him. Your stbxw does not, in likelihood, have a rosy future ahead of her. Her younger man will feel stuck with her, she will have another child and her son will harbor some bad feelings towards her. She will see what she gave up and why. You, Andrew, will be further along by that time and see that for what it is. Endure this, do your best to take care of you and your son, move as soon as you can and know that you will feel better in increments. You WILL feel better in time. Really. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 I've been decorating today, she hasn't offered to help in any way, even though she will be getting half Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 A local politician here had as an election slogan these words: Relentless Positive Action I don't normally confuse election slogans for wisdom but this one is different. You are showing relentless positive action in your dealings with WW. A huge improvement from your initial posts. The train is leaving the station and she's not boarding. I think you understand that's her problem, not yours. Keep moving forward. I do understand but I can't help feeling also that she should be jumping on that train with me Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 I've been decorating today, she hasn't offered to help in any way, even though she will be getting half I hope you are re-decorating it in your style F**k her! I do understand but I can't help feeling also that she should be jumping on that train with me It takes time to get to a point where you will see that your WW detached far before you even started detaching (I hope you are detaching for YOU). One day you will wonder why you never threw her from the train I know all this is painful. The pain does end and the advantage you will have is that you will get to start over again. Your WW went from being M to being pregnant with someone else's child who may not stay with her. She is about to find herself at rock bottom. All you can do is pity her... or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 I do understand but I can't help feeling also that she should be jumping on that train with me You were together a long time. It is a feeling that is automatic. You are programmed to be a team. You will need time to reprogram and reconcile what your heart feels and what your head knows. Like other posters have said. She had already started detaching LONG before you found out about the affair. I am not sure about policies here but I highly recommend a site I think its called chumplady lady. Do not be hesitant to look at it because the title has "lady" in it lol. It is for you and those like you blind sided by a cheating spouse. It is a uniquely dreadful experience and this site is phenomenal in helping deal with the trauma. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 Is your son helping you decorate? Father/son doing these types of things is the glue that bonds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 22, 2016 Author Share Posted June 22, 2016 Is your son helping you decorate? Father/son doing these types of things is the glue that bonds. I've been trying to do it while he's at school, he's took it really hard that we are having to move, this has been his home since birth Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 I've been trying to do it while he's at school, he's took it really hard that we are having to move, this has been his Is the new place close to any of his friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 22, 2016 Author Share Posted June 22, 2016 Is the new place close to any of his friends? Yes it's not far from where we are now Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 Why are you decorating if the house is up for sale? Do you mean making improvements to things that are broken? No, you are right to ride that train as far away from your cheating wife as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 22, 2016 Author Share Posted June 22, 2016 Just freshening the house up in neutral colours, easier to sell 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 What you are doing isn a basic life skill. Get him to help so he can learn. Practice makes perfect. Besides doing something with dad was always a default number one for me. You and your son will grow closer or drift apart. Life is not just sports or other events. Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Yes it's not far from where we are now That's good try to involve him in decorating the new place too... new start for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Andrew I have several friends in the real estate sales business. Here are a few tips from them. 1. Don't have family pictures about. Buyers want to see themselves in the house, no you or wife or child. 2. Lighter, neutral colors make e house look bigger than dark colors and also make it easier for buyers to "see" their furniture in the house. You may like hunter green, but the buyer may not. 3. "Staging" is all the rage now. That means less stuff in the house. Again, makes rooms,look bigger. Check it out on the Internet. When we sold our house a few years ago, we took stuff out of closets, removed a piece of furniture from the family room, took stuff off of bookshelf, got rid of half of the kitchen items we rarely used so the countertops and cupboards looked positively spacious. Rented a storage locker to put these clothes and knickknacks in. It worked. Mdespitemthemrotten market in 2011 we sold our house fairly quickly. And beware of the listing agreement. If you don't understand it, don't sign it until you get it reviewed. Oh. You will wear out your vacuum cleaner, floor mop, and dust cloths. Keep the place extra clean and tidy. Showings can happen in short notice. You want the place as clean and orderly as a nice hotel room. The opposite of a fraternity house. I know you have taken on this task yourself and half of the "profits" of your work will go to her. That's just the way it works. Your goal is a quick sale at a reasonable price. And don't forget the outside. Fresh paint on front door. Shrubs trimmed. Lawn well watered so,the grass is nice and green. It's called curb appeal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Share Posted June 23, 2016 I’ve had 4 sessions with a therapist, it’s all coming down to her controlling nature. Emotional abuse, financial abuse but not physical abuse. Over the years she’s controlled who I can have as friends etc but I managed it because I didn’t know any different, now someone has pointed things out it’s clear that she is not a nice woman. She has already started to do the same with the OM but because he’s young and impressionable he’s fell hook line and sinker into her trap, every time he questions her she throws a bit of cash and he steps back into line 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I’ve had 4 sessions with a therapist, it’s all coming down to her controlling nature. Emotional abuse, financial abuse but not physical abuse. Over the years she’s controlled who I can have as friends etc but I managed it because I didn’t know any different, now someone has pointed things out it’s clear that she is not a nice woman. She has already started to do the same with the OM but because he’s young and impressionable he’s fell hook line and sinker into her trap, every time he questions her she throws a bit of cash and he steps back into line Good that you are seeing a therapist. It will help. I know it has certainly helped me. You have taken huge steps from where you were just a few weeks ago. You are going to come out of this a better, stronger, more compassionate person and you will ultimately be a better dad and a better partner down the line. As for your ex, she is someone else's problem now, now yours. I know you are still mourning for the person you've lost, but you're also recognizing the negative effect she had on you and on your life. Keep at it, keep moving forward and leave her and her drama and controlling nature in your rear-view mirror! Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Andrew42 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Share Posted June 23, 2016 I saw the two of them together in town today, I went home and broke down Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I saw the two of them together in town today, I went home and broke down I'm sorry you had to see that. I really am hoping for the worst for your wife, she is a real piece of work. Link to post Share on other sites
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