20 years and gone

[stillafool]

Why are you decorating if the house is up for sale? Do you mean making improvements to things that are broken?

 

No, you are right to ride that train as far away from your cheating wife as possible.

[Andrew42]

Just freshening the house up in neutral colours, easier to sell

[Jersey born raised]

What you are doing isn a basic life skill. Get him to help so he can learn. Practice makes perfect. Besides doing something with dad was always a default number one for me.

 

You and your son will grow closer or drift apart. Life is not just sports or other events.

[tinkerbell16]

 

 

Yes it's not far from where we are now

 

That's good try to involve him in decorating the new place too... new start for both of you.

[Bufo]

Andrew

 

I have several friends in the real estate sales business. Here are a few tips from them.

 

1. Don't have family pictures about. Buyers want to see themselves in the house, no you or wife or child.

 

2. Lighter, neutral colors make e house look bigger than dark colors and also make it easier for buyers to "see" their furniture in the house. You may like hunter green, but the buyer may not.

 

3. "Staging" is all the rage now. That means less stuff in the house. Again, makes rooms,look bigger. Check it out on the Internet.

 

When we sold our house a few years ago, we took stuff out of closets, removed a piece of furniture from the family room, took stuff off of bookshelf, got rid of half of the kitchen items we rarely used so the countertops and cupboards looked positively spacious. Rented a storage locker to put these clothes and knickknacks in.

 

It worked. Mdespitemthemrotten market in 2011 we sold our house fairly quickly.

 

And beware of the listing agreement. If you don't understand it, don't sign it until you get it reviewed.

 

Oh. You will wear out your vacuum cleaner, floor mop, and dust cloths. Keep the place extra clean and tidy. Showings can happen in short notice. You want the place as clean and orderly as a nice hotel room. The opposite of a fraternity house.

 

I know you have taken on this task yourself and half of the "profits" of your work will go to her. That's just the way it works. Your goal is a quick sale at a reasonable price.

 

And don't forget the outside. Fresh paint on front door. Shrubs trimmed. Lawn well watered so,the grass is nice and green. It's called curb appeal.

[Andrew42]

I’ve had 4 sessions with a therapist, it’s all coming down to her controlling nature. Emotional abuse, financial abuse but not physical abuse.

Over the years she’s controlled who I can have as friends etc but I managed it because I didn’t know any different, now someone has pointed things out it’s clear that she is not a nice woman.

She has already started to do the same with the OM but because he’s young and impressionable he’s fell hook line and sinker into her trap, every time he questions her she throws a bit of cash and he steps back into line

[KBarletta]

I’ve had 4 sessions with a therapist, it’s all coming down to her controlling nature. Emotional abuse, financial abuse but not physical abuse.

Over the years she’s controlled who I can have as friends etc but I managed it because I didn’t know any different, now someone has pointed things out it’s clear that she is not a nice woman.

She has already started to do the same with the OM but because he’s young and impressionable he’s fell hook line and sinker into her trap, every time he questions her she throws a bit of cash and he steps back into line

 

Good that you are seeing a therapist. It will help. I know it has certainly helped me.

 

You have taken huge steps from where you were just a few weeks ago. You are going to come out of this a better, stronger, more compassionate person and you will ultimately be a better dad and a better partner down the line.

 

As for your ex, she is someone else's problem now, now yours. I know you are still mourning for the person you've lost, but you're also recognizing the negative effect she had on you and on your life.

 

Keep at it, keep moving forward and leave her and her drama and controlling nature in your rear-view mirror!

 

Best of luck!

[Andrew42]

I saw the two of them together in town today, I went home and broke down

[ladydesigner]

I saw the two of them together in town today, I went home and broke down

 

I'm sorry you had to see that. I really am hoping for the worst for your wife, she is a real piece of work.

[Jersey born raised]

Remember, I will not validate her self of worth by showing her my pain. She does not deserve this.

 

Remember lashing out is a form at this time of validating her self-worth while in the fog. While it may be hurtful is shows her you value her.

 

She gets nothing from you emotionally. Just a wall of indifference. The hardest thing going forward is breaking from the life time of caring,

 

Please discuss here and with your therapist the challenges going forward facing your son. This woman is her mother, the child will be his brother. Making sense of how to respond will be a nightmare for him.

[tinkerbell16]

I saw the two of them together in town today, I went home and broke down

 

I'm sorry you had to see this Andrew. Talk with your therapist about how to handle these intense feelings of pain. I suggest you look at it as a death. It's a death of the woman you thought she was. As you see she is not that woman and never has been. We tend to put our spouses on pedestals that many don't deserve when we're in love. She has serious character flaws that you are aware of now. If you were dating and you found these things about her you would never ask her on a second date I imagine.

[KBarletta]

I saw the two of them together in town today, I went home and broke down

 

I'm sorry you had to endure that Andrew. It's a setback, yes, but a relatively minor one. I've been there. In fact, I just posted in my own thread the other day about how (a year and a half later) seeing my ex still throws me for a loop. That's why I can't stress enough the importance of no contact, or in cases like yours and mine with children, minimal, minimal contact. It's the quickest and healthiest way to heal and build a new life that is completely separate and not dependent on the old one.

 

You'll have setbacks. But overall you are moving forward, and you will keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, you will get there.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

KTB

[Andrew42]

The doctor has put me on anti depressants

[tinkerbell16]

The doctor has put me on anti depressants

 

Many people who go through this had to start anti depressants to get by, for the first time in their lives. I hope you find they help you through this period of your life.

 

In time these wounds heal. They have for me and I remember thinking that experiencing joy again seemed impossible. I am the happiest I have been in a looonnnggg time

[Andrew42]

At 6.30am this morning I threw her out, I’d had enough, she’s gone, dunno where but she’s gone, and did she give a stuff about our son??? Not at all.

[tinkerbell16]

At 6.30am this morning I threw her out, I’d had enough, she’s gone, dunno where but she’s gone, and did she give a stuff about our son??? Not at all.

 

The only one looking out for your son is you now. Dont reley on her to be any thing like the mother she used to be.

 

I know throwing her out was hard. It was the best thing though to start your healing journey.

[Mittens]

While I can understand your motivation, as your wife owns half the property, legally you can't throw her out.

 

My ex husband tried doing that when I told him I wanted a divorce - the very first thing his solicitor told him was not to change the locks, and that he couldn't deny me residence at the property as long as my name was on the mortgage/deeds.

 

She may have gone willingly for now, but she would be within her rights to return at any time.

[elaine567]

I can see why you did this, but can you legally do that though?

This may bite you on the bum.

 

"If your partner uses, or threatens to use, physical force to get you to leave, they are likely to be committing a criminal offence." - https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/common-issues-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-can-you-change-the-locks/

[Andrew42]

While I can understand your motivation, as your wife owns half the property, legally you can't throw her out.

 

My ex husband tried doing that when I told him I wanted a divorce - the very first thing his solicitor told him was not to change the locks, and that he couldn't deny me residence at the property as long as my name was on the mortgage/deeds.

 

She may have gone willingly for now, but she would be within her rights to return at any time.

 

Rights? Having an affair for a year gives her no rights in my eyes

[Andrew42]

I probably shouldn't of done it but it felt right, last night I found out loads more stuff like how much she has actually spent on him (my money), I'm just sick of all the lies and deceit

[Mittens]

Rights? Having an affair for a year gives her no rights in my eyes

 

I understand that, but the law won't. The law doesn't care if she's slept with a thousand men. All it cares about is that she is being denied access to a property she owns.

 

I had to live with my ex husband for 9 months after we separated. Those 9 months were pretty bad. He ended up buying me out - I got a fraction of what the house was worth but all the equity, which wasn't much as we'd only bought it 3 years previously. This was back in the late 80s, before house prices went stupid. That house is now worth 10 times what we paid for it.

 

Unless you can buy your wife out you will have to wait until the house is sold.

[Andrew42]

i understand what your saying but the situation was intolerable, I had to do something

[Kwacker39]

When I first found out about my wife's affair(s) I threatened to throw her out - she held her phone in the air and said ' I will ring the police - you can't make me leave my home ' - I think , Andrew , that this is the law , so unfortunately she will be able to come back if she so wishes and I hope she doesn't get the police involved - were you at all physical with her when you threw her out ? You really don't need her to start claiming abuse - you are going through enough as it is .

[elaine567]

I hope she doesn't get the police involved - were you at all physical with her when you threw her out ? You really don't need her to start claiming abuse - you are going through enough as it is .

 

Agreed.

You certainly do not want her to allege abuse, as that may affect custody of your son.

[tinkerbell16]

Agreed.

You certainly do not want her to allege abuse, as that may affect custody of your son.

 

That is some messes up laws in England? If it basically forces two people to coexist in the same house under such toxic circumstance. It is actually promoting violence. Ridiculous.