20 years and gone

[Jersey born raised]

Remember, I will not validate her self of worth by showing her my pain. She does not deserve this.

 

Remember lashing out is a form at this time of validating her self-worth while in the fog. While it may be hurtful is shows her you value her.

 

She gets nothing from you emotionally. Just a wall of indifference. The hardest thing going forward is breaking from the life time of caring,

 

Please discuss here and with your therapist the challenges going forward facing your son. This woman is her mother, the child will be his brother. Making sense of how to respond will be a nightmare for him.

[tinkerbell16]

I saw the two of them together in town today, I went home and broke down

 

I'm sorry you had to see this Andrew. Talk with your therapist about how to handle these intense feelings of pain. I suggest you look at it as a death. It's a death of the woman you thought she was. As you see she is not that woman and never has been. We tend to put our spouses on pedestals that many don't deserve when we're in love. She has serious character flaws that you are aware of now. If you were dating and you found these things about her you would never ask her on a second date I imagine.

[KBarletta]

I saw the two of them together in town today, I went home and broke down

 

I'm sorry you had to endure that Andrew. It's a setback, yes, but a relatively minor one. I've been there. In fact, I just posted in my own thread the other day about how (a year and a half later) seeing my ex still throws me for a loop. That's why I can't stress enough the importance of no contact, or in cases like yours and mine with children, minimal, minimal contact. It's the quickest and healthiest way to heal and build a new life that is completely separate and not dependent on the old one.

 

You'll have setbacks. But overall you are moving forward, and you will keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, you will get there.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

KTB

[Andrew42]

The doctor has put me on anti depressants

[tinkerbell16]

The doctor has put me on anti depressants

 

Many people who go through this had to start anti depressants to get by, for the first time in their lives. I hope you find they help you through this period of your life.

 

In time these wounds heal. They have for me and I remember thinking that experiencing joy again seemed impossible. I am the happiest I have been in a looonnnggg time

[Andrew42]

At 6.30am this morning I threw her out, I’d had enough, she’s gone, dunno where but she’s gone, and did she give a stuff about our son??? Not at all.

[tinkerbell16]

At 6.30am this morning I threw her out, I’d had enough, she’s gone, dunno where but she’s gone, and did she give a stuff about our son??? Not at all.

 

The only one looking out for your son is you now. Dont reley on her to be any thing like the mother she used to be.

 

I know throwing her out was hard. It was the best thing though to start your healing journey.

[Mittens]

While I can understand your motivation, as your wife owns half the property, legally you can't throw her out.

 

My ex husband tried doing that when I told him I wanted a divorce - the very first thing his solicitor told him was not to change the locks, and that he couldn't deny me residence at the property as long as my name was on the mortgage/deeds.

 

She may have gone willingly for now, but she would be within her rights to return at any time.

[elaine567]

I can see why you did this, but can you legally do that though?

This may bite you on the bum.

 

"If your partner uses, or threatens to use, physical force to get you to leave, they are likely to be committing a criminal offence." - https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/common-issues-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-can-you-change-the-locks/

[Andrew42]

While I can understand your motivation, as your wife owns half the property, legally you can't throw her out.

 

My ex husband tried doing that when I told him I wanted a divorce - the very first thing his solicitor told him was not to change the locks, and that he couldn't deny me residence at the property as long as my name was on the mortgage/deeds.

 

She may have gone willingly for now, but she would be within her rights to return at any time.

 

Rights? Having an affair for a year gives her no rights in my eyes

[Andrew42]

I probably shouldn't of done it but it felt right, last night I found out loads more stuff like how much she has actually spent on him (my money), I'm just sick of all the lies and deceit

[Mittens]

Rights? Having an affair for a year gives her no rights in my eyes

 

I understand that, but the law won't. The law doesn't care if she's slept with a thousand men. All it cares about is that she is being denied access to a property she owns.

 

I had to live with my ex husband for 9 months after we separated. Those 9 months were pretty bad. He ended up buying me out - I got a fraction of what the house was worth but all the equity, which wasn't much as we'd only bought it 3 years previously. This was back in the late 80s, before house prices went stupid. That house is now worth 10 times what we paid for it.

 

Unless you can buy your wife out you will have to wait until the house is sold.

[Andrew42]

i understand what your saying but the situation was intolerable, I had to do something

[Kwacker39]

When I first found out about my wife's affair(s) I threatened to throw her out - she held her phone in the air and said ' I will ring the police - you can't make me leave my home ' - I think , Andrew , that this is the law , so unfortunately she will be able to come back if she so wishes and I hope she doesn't get the police involved - were you at all physical with her when you threw her out ? You really don't need her to start claiming abuse - you are going through enough as it is .

[elaine567]

I hope she doesn't get the police involved - were you at all physical with her when you threw her out ? You really don't need her to start claiming abuse - you are going through enough as it is .

 

Agreed.

You certainly do not want her to allege abuse, as that may affect custody of your son.

[tinkerbell16]

Agreed.

You certainly do not want her to allege abuse, as that may affect custody of your son.

 

That is some messes up laws in England? If it basically forces two people to coexist in the same house under such toxic circumstance. It is actually promoting violence. Ridiculous.

[elaine567]

That is some messes up laws in England? If it basically forces two people to coexist in the same house under such toxic circumstance. It is actually promoting violence. Ridiculous.

 

How else can you manage a situation where both have equal claims to the property?

 

What rights do joint owners have?

In a relationship breakdown situation, you and your spouse or civil partner:

 

• both have a right to stay in the family home
  
• both have the right to return if you move out
  
• cannot make the other person leave or change the locks
  
• cannot sell the property without the consent and signature of the other
  
• cannot raise a mortgage or loan against the home without the consent and signature of the other.
  

She may be applying for tan occupation order as we speak.

It was bad move to throw her out...

 

If you feel at risk

 

If there's domestic violence or abuse and you need to exclude your partner from the home, you can apply for a court order, called an occupation order.

An occupation order temporarily excludes one partner from the home, but you'll need to show the court that it's appropriate for your partner to be excluded. For example, you may have to show that there's a risk of harm to yourself or your children. If you do get an occupation order, you could change the locks while the order is ongoing.

[Andrew42]

Nothing physical no, I'd been thinking about this all night so I was in the right frame of mind to do it but also keeping calm.

I told her to bring a court order if she wants to come back in the house

[Andrew42]

By the sounds of it the uk law is against me then

[Poutrew]

The faster you can sell the house and split up things, the better off you'll be. At least you have taken steps to keep her from using your money to buy stuff for her boy toy. Just make sure the court sees the bills, so they can deduct that portion of the money from her judgement.

[Andrew42]

Yes, she doesn't have access to my money now but God knows how much she's already took and spent on him

[tinkerbell16]

How else can you manage a situation where both have equal claims to the property?

 

She may be applying for tan occupation order as we spea bad move to throw her out...

 

The courts will establish equal status living arrangements child support Arrangements on a temporary basis until the divorce goes through the court system.

[Andrew42]

I've today been interviewed by the police for common assault, I never even touched her

[Mittens]

I've today been interviewed by the police for common assault, I never even touched her

 

So I take it your ex wife went straight to her solicitor and/or the police after you caused her to leave the house...that's why you doing that was a very bad move.

 

She now has grounds to apply for an occupation order to get you to move out, as she believes she's at risk of harm...being pregnant, there's a good chance she will get it granted. I believe you had already found somewhere to rent. I would move into it as soon as possible.

[tinkerbell16]

I've today been interviewed by the police for common assault, I never even touched her

 

My goodness... She is special that one. What did the police say you should do moving forward? Did the believe you?