20 years and gone

[oldshirt]

This is what I was talking about earlier in the thread when I said that affairs need a marriage and an accomidating spouse to survive.

 

Very few affairs survive a separation and divorce. The WS wants to keep their over their head, access to their children and to maintain their lifestyle and status quo. They just want to have their cake to eat on the side.

 

When you take away their stability, the affair crumbles.

 

Here's the catch though, when they come back it's not because they realize their mistake and are choosing you over the AP, it's because it didn't work out with AP and they are wanting to keep their comfort and lifestyle in the marital home.

 

The other catch is if you forgive and take them back and allow them all the comforts of the marriage, that will allow the A to rekindle. Or if all the issues aren't fully fixed, it's just a matter of time before someone else comes along and another A happens shortly down the road.

 

It's a bit of a rock and a hard place. The key to keep from being cuckolded in to providing care and comfort so she can screw other guys on your dime is to adopt a mentality of "all or nothing."

 

'All' is she goes all in with complete no contact for life with OM, total transparency, total commitment to rebuilding relationship from the ground up, marital therapy etc etc.

 

All out is find her own place, divorce, child custody and move on with your own lives separately.

 

Anything less than either of those is just a lingering, festering wound that never heals.

[chew123]

Andrew,

 

I lived with my ex for 3 months after dday. Granted she told me she was going to continue seeing the other guy so no false reconciliation but it was still not the best situation. It is tough to start healing while living together.

 

And she has made it clear she is not interested in you so believe her. If you can stand it continue living with her and being nice while you get your divorce ducks in a row. Get the property settlement etc signed as soon as possible. That is what I did during the period we lived together. She may feel some guilt for the cheating so use it to your advantage.

 

You can always reconcile later but now is the time to strike and get the best divorce agreement you can.

 

Unfortunately your son is another casualty in this. But it can't be helped now that she has started the ball rolling. But by modeling strong and reliable behavior he will know that he has at least 1 parent he can rely on.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[Andrew42]

I listened to more of the recording earlier, they were talking about her going to the doctors about stomach cramps and she says 'yeah I had them thru pregnancy with ben' wtf!!!!!!!

She thinks she might be having his child

[Andrew42]

Also found out this started around October 2015

[Andrew42]

My head is totally screwed now

[Bufo]

I hate to add to your To Do list, but since you admittedly are always thinking of WW and your son and conjuring up fearful scenarios of the future, there is another aspect of your life affected by this mess.

 

Specifically, your work. I don't know your work situation, but unless your job is entirely mechanical it is hard to believe that you are functioning at your best at work. And others, including the boss, will notice. So rather than waiting for the axe to fall, be proactive. Tell your boss that you are having some rather serious difficulties at home and ask for his indulgence for a little while as you plan to have those difficulties resolved within that time. Or tell HR the same thing.

 

A doctor's note can get you FMLA if your employer is large enough. If you need time off work, that is unpaid. (You need to tell HR/payroll to route your check to a new account anyway--your own account).

 

Get counseling for yourself if at all possible. By falling for her tale of woe which incidentally includes a nice FY to you about still not wanting to work on the marriage, you have shown her and us that you are reactive rather than proactive. A version of the useless and degrading "pick me" dance many have tried without success. Weak rather than strong.

 

With her living arrangement proviso, you are in the PERFECT position to initiate the 180. She doesn't want you? Show her you don't need her. Detach for your own benefit. You've gone from the first level of Hell which is suspicion and being lied to to your face to about the seventh level which is living with an unremorseful WW who has no respect for you and who may be pregnant with OM's kid. And you voluntarily went there! Find out why you treat yourself so poorly.

 

Finally,,don't put too much stock in the conditional,promise of friendship. She's desperate now (needs a roof over her head and apparently discovered that OM (or should I call him OB?) is acting like the adolescent he is by bragging public ally about his conquest. She'd tell you she'd agree to any conditions as long as she can return. As you so painfully found out, her words mean exactly nothing now.

[beach]

Have her move out! The problems she has created are HERS to deal with.

 

She can schedule visits with your child.

 

She thinks she's pregnant with his child? Not your problem! Cut her loose to solve the problems she created!

 

You deserve to be free from her ugliness.

[Andrew42]

I hate to add to your To Do list, but since you admittedly are always thinking of WW and your son and conjuring up fearful scenarios of the future, there is another aspect of your life affected by this mess.

 

Specifically, your work. I don't know your work situation, but unless your job is entirely mechanical it is hard to believe that you are functioning at your best at work. And others, including the boss, will notice. So rather than waiting for the axe to fall, be proactive. Tell your boss that you are having some rather serious difficulties at home and ask for his indulgence for a little while as you plan to have those difficulties resolved within that time. Or tell HR the same thing.

 

A doctor's note can get you FMLA if your employer is large enough. If you need time off work, that is unpaid. (You need to tell HR/payroll to route your check to a new account anyway--your own account).

 

Get counseling for yourself if at all possible. By falling for her tale of woe which incidentally includes a nice FY to you about still not wanting to work on the marriage, you have shown her and us that you are reactive rather than proactive. A version of the useless and degrading "pick me" dance many have tried without success. Weak rather than strong.

 

With her living arrangement proviso, you are in the PERFECT position to initiate the 180. She doesn't want you? Show her you don't need her. Detach for your own benefit. You've gone from the first level of Hell which is suspicion and being lied to to your face to about the seventh level which is living with an unremorseful WW who has no respect for you and who may be pregnant with OM's kid. And you voluntarily went there! Find out why you treat yourself so poorly.

 

Finally,,don't put too much stock in the conditional,promise of friendship. She's desperate now (needs a roof over her head and apparently discovered that OM (or should I call him OB?) is acting like the adolescent he is by bragging public ally about his conquest. She'd tell you she'd agree to any conditions as long as she can return. As you so painfully found out, her words mean exactly nothing now.

 

Yes she's agreed to tell him it's over but then I asked what would she do if she is having his baby and all I got was a 'don't know'

[Andrew42]

Have her move out! The problems she has created are HERS to deal with.

 

She can schedule visits with your child.

 

She thinks she's pregnant with his child? Not your problem! Cut her loose to solve the problems she created!

 

You deserve to be free from her ugliness.

 

Legally I can't make her move out

[Andrew42]

I've woken up with the sickness feeling there more than ever, hate is starting to appear as I can't understand why the woman I loved for 20 years would risk it all for a young scum bag.

On the recording their taking about being together and her saying ' yeah i want to be with you, I wouldn't break my sons heart for nothing'

 

Totally totally this isn't the woman I married but how the hell to I attach my gut feelings for her, I've read the 180 over and over again but I'm finding it really hard to do, I'm

Constantly thinking is she secretly texting him when I'm in bed or out the house.

[Andrew42]

I feel I'm totally back to square one but now with the thought also that she's maybe having his baby, I asked her to do a test but she's refused

[Andrew42]

If you stop being nice to her and start making her really uncomfortable for being there - SHE will WANT to leave!

 

Stop being so nice to her.

 

That's just it ! I just can't find it in me to hate her, I want to, I truly truly want to hate, loathe and despise her but I can't, I'm weak, how can I have let her do this, please help me

[Andrew42]

I had a moment about 10 mins ago when I suddenly thought sod this for a lark, she's done this so why should I suffer, I'm gonna seriously kick the 180 into action and I will be civil and friendly for bens sake.

[Andrew42]

How do I deal with the pregnancy thing tho, I've said to her it's not acceptable to stay here whilst having another mans baby, but of course legally she can

[elaine567]

How do I deal with the pregnancy thing tho, I've said to her it's not acceptable to stay here whilst having another mans baby, but of course legally she can

 

If she is pregnant, how do you know for certain that it isn't your baby?

[Andrew42]

They were talking on the recording about her 'stomach cramps' and she would let him know what the docs said, the docs sent her for a blood test, as far as I'm aware she hasn't got the results yet

[CarrieT]

How do I deal with the pregnancy thing tho, I've said to her it's not acceptable to stay here whilst having another mans baby, but of course legally she can

 

First, have you seen positive results from a pregnancy test? Those cramps she might be describing could be stress-related from the affair.

 

Secondly, is there *any* chance the baby could be yours? If you have had sex with her as well during the last few weeks, you have to insist on a paternity test (which can happen before she gives birth).

[Marc878]

Legally I can't make her move out

 

No but you could file for divorce.

 

Depends on whether you want to live with this nightmare in the rest your life doesn't it.

 

No matter what download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" it's free.

[Marc878]

Never live a life as someone's doormat.

[Andrew42]

We have had sex about two weeks ago

[CarrieT]

We have had sex about two weeks ago

 

So if she is pregnant, the child could be yours.

 

Demand a pregnancy and paternity test.

 

If she is pregnant and if the child is yours and if you both want to continue as a couple, she has a lot of work to do to regain your trust and you can always rebuild the relationship.

[Bufo]

One more thing for your To Do list. See a lawyer NOW and learn what the state of your local law is regarding paternity. Strange as it may seem for centuries the British common law held that married man could not disclaim paternity of a child born during the marriage. That's been changed in many places but various locales have put differing obstacles in the path of a man who faces raising a child of his wife's lover. Time limits being obstacle number one.

 

Maybe she's not pregnant, maybe if she is the child is yours. (BTW no sex with her without protection for you AFTER she shows you her clean bill of health from her doctor. )

 

Also discuss divorce with an attorney and find out what D means for you. Most divorced people get over it. It's not a fatal disease. Don't let her rug sweep either. Living with her and ignoring the A is a prescription for future problems.

[salparadise]

She is saying she still feels nothing for me but I can't legally stop her from being here as she's on the mortgage

 

You posted this ^ a couple of days ago. At that time she was out, and had moved out on her own accord. I don't know what state you're in or how it works (some states have legal separations and some do not), but where I live if one moves out, they've initiated a separation and the other can legally keep them from coming back. This is done via a pendente lite hearing, which is an order to be followed by both pending actual litigation. They will often grant exclusive possession to the one who remains in the residence. You probably don't have to put up with the combing-going-comming crap.

 

If you can get her to move out again, then you should file the appropriate process to make the separation stick, make it legal.

 

Also, early in the thread you said there were some saving in an account in her name. This does not make the money hers - it's marital property (unless it was there before the marriage and has not been commingled). However, if one of you spend that money before a separation or filing for divorce, it's a mute point. If I were you, and if you have access to it, I'd use it to pay any bills that might be outstanding. Otherwise, she may spend it and leave you stuck with the bills. You could also pay it to your attorney as a retainer. You simply do not want to have a situation where she has money and you do not. Did you get the auto-deposit changed to an account with your name only? If not, do it yesterday.

 

I noticed that you referred to your lawyer as "she." This may be just fine if she's objective and impartial, but not all are. If she is biased toward the old notions that women are entitled to come out on top then she may not be the bulldog you need on your side. Did you get a recommendation or do you know for a fact that she will advocate for you aggressively?

 

Pregnancy and paternity are complete unknowns at this point. They are not actionable and should not distract you from being rational and acting in your own best interest. Not in the least. If it becomes reality you can deal with it then.

 

I know this is an extremely tough time for you and the emotions are running high. It's important for you to separate emotions from rationality - you only want to act rationally now. Do not make any decisions because of the way you feel. This is going to be a battle. Don't let your grief defeat you. Play to win.

[Andrew42]

Thank you, yes I've changed my wages to go into my bank.

 

The 180 is right and I know it but my emotions, feelings are all up in the air, I still can't sleep more than 2 hours and haven't eaten since Sunday, I just feel sick all the time

[Andrew42]

First, have you seen positive results from a pregnancy test? Those cramps she might be describing could be stress-related from the affair.

 

Secondly, is there *any* chance the baby could be yours? If you have had sex with her as well during the last few weeks, you have to insist on a paternity test (which can happen before she gives birth).

 

No I've not seen any results, I do know the doctors took a blood test but she hasn't had the results yet.