20 years and gone

[Marc878]

It's early. Your feelings will be all over the place. At some point once you've settled down so what it all becomes clearer.

 

Try and think with your mind. The heart will betray you.

 

Sorry you're here man

[Andrew42]

My feelings are def up in the air that's for sure.

 

Am I ever gonna be able to trust her again? I don't think deep down I am

 

Do I love her? Hell yeah

 

Do I hate her? Hell yeah

 

I feel disgusted by the situation she's put me and our lad in.

 

Do I wish she would just go now, go for good? Yes I think I do

 

That's the only point I'm gonna be able to start to rebuild my life but and here's the but, how do I physically make her go when she knows she has legal rights to be in our house?

I've thought about selling it, saying here's your half now sayonara

But then where do me and Ben go? A grotty rented place with no security ?

[tinkerbell16]

No I've not seen any results, I do know the doctors took a blood test but she hasn't had the results yet.

 

What a mess she has put you in your son in. You will have a battle between head and heart for a long time. Heart remembering all the things you loved and your head will, well, replay what you heard on the recording. It takes effort to fall out of love with someone who betrays you. Remembering the bad things helps, but hatred

isn't the goal. It's apathy, which takes time.

If she is pregnant with your child, this is a whole new consideration. Try to find this out as soon as possible so your path is clearer.

[Andrew42]

I don't think for one minute that it can be mine, granted we don't use protection but let's just say the finale didn't go there

[2.50 a gallon]

It really screws with your head when they tell you they want to come back.

To you know how to tell when your cheating wife is lying. Her lips move.

At this point in time do not believe anything she says.

Too many times I have seen where the wife does a turn around and says she wants to come back.

Give it a week and she will change her tune again.

The problem is with something known as love chemicals. She has told you and you have heard her say she is "in love" with the OM.

In short her body is flooding her brain with love chemicals for him. It is li8ke she is on drugs. And like any drug it takes a long time to wean one self from drugs.

[Andrew42]

One question..... Do I keep the recording on my phone or erase it, I keep finding myself replaying it over and over

[salparadise]

My feelings are def up in the air that's for sure.

 

Am I ever gonna be able to trust her again? I don't think deep down I am

 

Do I love her? Hell yeah

 

Do I hate her? Hell yeah

 

I feel disgusted by the situation she's put me and our lad in.

 

Do I wish she would just go now, go for good? Yes I think I do

 

That's the only point I'm gonna be able to start to rebuild my life but and here's the but, how do I physically make her go when she knows she has legal rights to be in our house?

I've thought about selling it, saying here's your half now sayonara

But then where do me and Ben go? A grotty rented place with no security ?

 

Have you asked her to leave? Treat her like a non-entity. Shun her. Don't speak or sit in the same room, or even look at her except to ask her to leave. Most people will not be able to tolerate that for long. If she does leave, act quickly to legalize the separation and obtain exclusive possession of the property. Ask the lawyer exactly how this is done - make a plan and work the plan.

 

Under no circumstances should you leave. It's also probably a good idea to out the affair to everyone if you haven't already. I wish you had acted while she was out previously. Now you're in a psychological battle and she has some advantage because she's not devastated and you are.

 

No I don't think you could ever trust her again. Because she has cut you completely off emotionally and is unapologetic. She is without empathy or remorse... you can't trust people who can be this unfeeling and cruel. In a sense, in the long run, you are better off with her not wanting to reconcile. You are free to begin healing as soon as you get her out and proceed with divorce. Otherwise you'd be dealing with her crap for decades.

 

Tell her to go back to her boyfriend - tell her she doesn't belong there anymore; that she is his woman now.

[Andrew42]

It really screws with your head when they tell you they want to come back.

To you know how to tell when your cheating wife is lying. Her lips move.

At this point in time do not believe anything she says.

Too many times I have seen where the wife does a turn around and says she wants to come back.

Give it a week and she will change her tune again.

The problem is with something known as love chemicals. She has told you and you have heard her say she is "in love" with the OM.

In short her body is flooding her brain with love chemicals for him. It is li8ke she is on drugs. And like any drug it takes a long time to wean one self from drugs.

 

Yes I think she is totally smitten with him

[CarrieT]

One question..... Do I keep the recording on my phone or erase it, I keep finding myself replaying it over and over

 

Ask your lawyer.

 

And STOP listening to it!!!

[Andrew42]

Have you asked her to leave? Treat her like a non-entity. Shun her. Don't speak or sit in the same room, or even look at her except to ask her to leave. Most people will not be able to tolerate that for long. If she does leave, act quickly to legalize the separation and obtain exclusive possession of the property. Ask the lawyer exactly how this is done - make a plan and work the plan.

 

Under no circumstances should you leave. It's also probably a good idea to out the affair to everyone if you haven't already. I wish you had acted while she was out previously. Now you're in a psychological battle and she has some advantage because she's not devastated and you are.

 

No I don't think you could ever trust her again. Because she has cut you completely off emotionally and is unapologetic. She is without empathy or remorse... you can't trust people who can be this unfeeling and cruel. In a sense, in the long run, you are better off with her not wanting to reconcile. You are free to begin healing as soon as you get her out and proceed with divorce. Otherwise you'd be dealing with her crap for decades.

 

Tell her to go back to her boyfriend - tell her she doesn't belong there anymore; that she is his woman now.

 

I would say go to him but she still has a right to a key, that's my problem, are they gonna be round here like rabbits when I'm out?

[Andrew42]

Also remember we have a vacation booked for the beginning of August for 2 weeks, am I gonna be thinking what they are doing in the house whilst I'm away

[salparadise]

One question..... Do I keep the recording on my phone or erase it, I keep finding myself replaying it over and over

 

I'd say you should back it up to a jump drive and put it where only you have access or know where it is.

 

But if listening to it over and over increases your resolve to get her out of your life for good, then perhaps it's not such a bad thing temporarily. But if it only keeps you stuck in an emotional state, then archive it and store it offsite - like in a safe deposit box.

[Andrew42]

I listen to it and breakdown

[Marc878]

My feelings are def up in the air that's for sure.

 

Am I ever gonna be able to trust her again? I don't think deep down I am

 

Do I love her? Hell yeah

 

Do I hate her? Hell yeah

 

I feel disgusted by the situation she's put me and our lad in.

 

Do I wish she would just go now, go for good? Yes I think I do

 

That's the only point I'm gonna be able to start to rebuild my life but and here's the but, how do I physically make her go when she knows she has legal rights to be in our house?

I've thought about selling it, saying here's your half now sayonara

But then where do me and Ben go? A grotty rented place with no security ?

 

You are still in love with your perception of who you thought she was. This is normal. Now you are having to come to grips with who she really is.

 

This was going on behind your back for 8 months. It was a decision on her part and don't forget. The affair was Carefully planned and executed to deceive and betray you. You're only fault was loving and trusting your wife 100%.

 

You don't have to do anything at this moment. Take your time and think this through. You don't have to rush anything.

[tinkerbell16]

Also remember we have a vacation booked for the beginning of August for 2 weeks, am I gonna be thinking what they are doing in the house whilst I'm away

 

Unless she is pregnant with his baby... and even then... I predict there is a 99.9% chance they will not be together in August. She may be like rabbits in the house but likely won't be with him. Affair partners rarely work out after the affair is discovered. All the cake eating looses it flavor for the affair partner so to speak. Sh@+ gets real and they don't want to deal with the emotions and issues the married partner is going through. All that fun secret sex starts to feel like a real (really shi++y) relationship that requires work. All that is neither here nor there. She cheated. She is a cheater. You have to figure out what to do with this information and IF she wants to work on your marriage... IF you are willing to forgive and trust again. Not many can. Not many cheaters change either.

Is she still communicating with him?

When can you find out about the pregnacy?

[salparadise]

Also remember we have a vacation booked for the beginning of August for 2 weeks, am I gonna be thinking what they are doing in the house whilst I'm away

 

 

Ugh, is it still going on? I thought you said she had ended it? If the affair is ongoing then I think you should definitely file and try to get a legal separation and exclusive possession of the house.

 

If you can cancel and get your money back on the vacation rental I'd do it. Take vacation when it suits you, somewhere different. August is a long time from now when you're stuck in such a situation.

[Marc878]

One question..... Do I keep the recording on my phone or erase it, I keep finding myself replaying it over and over

 

Keep the recording on a separate drive. You may need it later.

[Marc878]

Also remember we have a vacation booked for the beginning of August for 2 weeks, am I gonna be thinking what they are doing in the house whilst I'm away

 

Take your son away for vacation. Go dark on her and use the time to figure out your future. You can't stop or control what she does but you can control yourself.

 

Not easy but you can do it. Concentrate on your son.

[Marc878]

IMO, if you haven't do full exposure before you leave that'll give them something to keep them occupied.

[tinkerbell16]

I don't think for one minute that it can be mine, granted we don't use protection but let's just say the finale didn't go there

 

If that (her being pregnant with your child) isn't a concern and this went on for 8 mos then I don't know how you could get back to trusting her 100%. That is a level of betrayal that required so many lies to maintain... which makes her both a liar and a cheater and I predict neither one of those characteristics you would marry again if you knew all the facts. There is still love between my ex and I. No doubt. Close to 30 years together...no way to deny that. But I could NEVER be with him again. The trust and respect is gone forever. Nothing to build on.

[Kwacker39]

Hey Andrew42 - I think I'm going through a mirror image of your crisis . My wife of 21 years told me 8 weeks ago during marriage counselling that she didn't love me anymore and there was no chance of saving us . Then 10 days ago I found out she was seeing another man and had been for 10 weeks at least , probably a lot longer but she won't admit it . We have 2 kids of 11 and 17 and loads of history and memories . All of this seems to count for nought at moment - she is like a different person to the woman I love - I think gemini6 has some good advice for both of us - move on and start looking after yourself , you and I are worth more than this , we deserve so much better and I have to believe that eventually I will ( and you too ) come through this terrible experience stronger and hopefully better in the long term . I am taking any help offered , including from her side of the family who also can't believe her actions - I'm also trying to find a counsellor to help with my self esteem and trust issues which I know I will inevitably have if and when I meet someone else . I know what you are going through man and it's the worst feeling in the world - go with the emotions when you have to - ride the waves though , don't let them engulf you - stay strong for your boy - it will get better for us !

[Andrew42]

She says she isn't communicating with him anymore, but do I believe her? I dunno.

 

I've told all our mutual friends about what has happened including her mum and sisters.

 

I've actually just said to her 'look why don't you just go, if your not happy here and want to be with him then go, move in with him'

 

The reply was 'I'm here for Ben, I don't want anyone, I'm here for Ben.

 

But then I think it was only Tuesday she was telling him how they have a future and she loves him etc

[Andrew42]

Hey Andrew42 - I think I'm going through a mirror image of your crisis . My wife of 21 years told me 8 weeks ago during marriage counselling that she didn't love me anymore and there was no chance of saving us . Then 10 days ago I found out she was seeing another man and had been for 10 weeks at least , probably a lot longer but she won't admit it . We have 2 kids of 11 and 17 and loads of history and memories . All of this seems to count for nought at moment - she is like a different person to the woman I love - I think gemini6 has some good advice for both of us - move on and start looking after yourself , you and I are worth more than this , we deserve so much better and I have to believe that eventually I will ( and you too ) come through this terrible experience stronger and hopefully better in the long term . I am taking any help offered , including from her side of the family who also can't believe her actions - I'm also trying to find a counsellor to help with my self esteem and trust issues which I know I will inevitably have if and when I meet someone else . I know what you are going through man and it's the worst feeling in the world - go with the emotions when you have to - ride the waves though , don't let them engulf you - stay strong for your boy - it will get better for us !

 

Man I'm so sorry we are both in this mess, wtf did we do to deserve all this, in fact what did our kids do to deserve all this?

[Andrew42]

Her side of the family are definitely on my side, her mother and sister can't believe what she's done

[standtall]

Andrew, a couple of things. She has made it clear she feels nothing for you with her actions and statements. You have already said she can come home for now as your son's mother, and your friend...stick to that. No 180, no reconciliation, no working on the marriage...work on you and move on.

 

And, for God's sake, listen to these people that have been through it here, and lawyer up and find out if you need to be divorced by the time any suspected children are born.