Girlfriend going on holiday with another man

[talldeepthinker]

Hello everyone

 

I have an issue regarding my girlfriend of the last six months. Basically she has a single guy friend that she's known for about a year. She met him off a dating site, before me and they didn't get on romantically so remained just "friends" She initially lied about how she met him (twice), it wasn't until I saw that she had him saved in her phone as his POF username that I found out...

 

She does talk to me about this man, saying he's needy and he phones her four times a day sometimes. They do various things together like day trips, cinema and shows etc.. Back in April he took her to Paris for four days, I wasn't overly happy that she was going with him but I wanted her to have a good time so it didn't bother me that much. I wasn't going to forbid her to go because she would hold that against me.

 

The trip was arranged because she's been there for him when others weren't, and it was a thank you to her. She says she isn't attracted to him in that way and that she chose me, and she Loves me, which I have no reason to doubt. I've asked her several times if he's attracted to her and she replies with "Would it matter if he was? He can't have me" So I assume he does....

 

But she's now arranged a further trip to Italy for four days with him, and I'm starting to think this isn't normal behaviour anymore. One trip I can handle and accept but it basically feels like she's dating him. I really don't know how to handle this situation because I've never been in it before. I want her to enjoy life and have a good time but I want it to be with me, not with him. Am I being unreasonable?

 

She even said as much that she'd hate it if I went away with a single woman. I do trust her, but something doesn't feel right to me. I'm not at all a controlling person, but I don't like the way this is making me feel anymore. The stupid part of me still wants her to go to Italy and enjoy herself but I know it's going to be damaging to our relationship in the process.

 

We argued last night about it, she thinks I'm being jealous and ridiculous about the situation. All I said was reverse the roles and see how it would make you feel.

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[italianjob]

When I read certain posts, I just can't believe what I'm reading... How can someone be so naive?

 

Listen buddy, If my wife (or girlfriend a long time ago) even remotely suggested something like this, I would wave her goodbye on the spot.

 

Now this is not even an important childhood friend (which I would still find unacceptable and cause for breakup), but someone she met one year ago... On a dating site, nonetheless.

 

Frankly, I don't think this girl is good girlfriend material, and I think you set up a very ugly precedent letting her go with him to Paris, but it's up to you... Chances are youìll end up rising the other man's kid when you marry her.

 

I bet if you make her choose him or you and she leaves you, he'll end up being the official boyfriend in a matter of days...

[chapter44]

I have to agree that seems ridiculous to me as well. My SO had a pretty heated discussion about her still communicating with an ex and being dishonest about it. I love her but that type of behavior crosses the boundaries of what I'm comfortable with. I was prepared to walk away from that relationship and expressed that to her. I think if you are in a committed monogamous relationship then there's no room for another person or dishonesty.

 

I think you created a dangerous precedent here and I would make it clear that your uncomfortable with her having any further vacations with men she used to date.

[talldeepthinker]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I think I've deluded myself or she's convinced me that this is acceptable behaviour. I need to give her a choice, or just walk away and find someone that wants to do things with me and not other men.

[Jabron1]

She's just exploiting this weak guy in the friendzone. It's very possible that he might not even be getting laid - despite his 'generosity'.

 

Still, girls that keep orbiters around like this are completely untrustworthy, and not to be taken seriously.

 

Your mistake is that you seem to think this is a serious long term relationship.

[Cherryz]

Or you very naive or have issues or scared of facing and dealing with reality.

 

You know she is wrong and disrespecting you from day one.

But you take it because you dont want her to break up with you?

 

She know you put up with her mess so she keep doing it and take it further.

 

Break up with her. She is this guy call girl/ pleasure girl or maybe even girlfriend.

He and her both dont respect you. If he respected anyone he wouldnt take her for trips.

Knowing their history and once she start lying about about how she met him you should have break up with her.

Dont let her wast more of your time. Break up in a cold way with her and move on.

 

People waste years without knowing what their partner were doing.

But you knew it from start that she was a messy disrespectful person, but still

fooled yourself that it was ok.

 

Men up , step up and put her in her place. Let her know that she is messy and have no respect. And its over!

[ExpatInItaly]

I can't believe you've tolerated this so far, OP.

 

No, it's not appropriate for her to be taking holidays alone with a single man who likes her. How is that even a question?

 

She is not that naive. She knows what she's doing: she likes his attention and she's using him for these trips. In any case, the fact that she's rolling with it is bad.

 

I would not put up with this for one more second.

[elaine567]

Now this is not even an important childhood friend (which I would still find unacceptable and cause for breakup), but someone she met one year ago... On a dating site, nonetheless.

 

 

^^^ this^^^

 

YOU cannot be expected to put up with this.

DO NOT allow this. She is making a fool of you.

Get rid is my advice, unless of course you have a cuckold fetish...

[road]

She's just exploiting this weak guy in the friendzone. It's very possible that he might not even be getting laid - despite his 'generosity'.

 

Still, girls that keep orbiters around like this are completely untrustworthy, and not to be taken seriously.

 

Your mistake is that you seem to think this is a serious long term relationship.

 

 

That's right.

 

 

And, even if she is not putting out she is still using this man in an awful way. That alone makes her not the kind of woman any man should date.

[d0nnivain]

At the very least if this was all above board you would be going too.

 

 

It's all quite shady. It's like she has 2 BFs & you are letting her get away with it.

[kgcolonel]

Suggestion.. you say that you don't want to be controlling...so don't. I would suggest that while she is out with her guy....you let her know that you'll be doing the same....

 

This relationship isn't a good fit for you as she is not considerate of your feelings and discomfort...BTW, were you invited to go? Didn't think so....

 

Look at the facts, really? how can you not see the fact that she is (if not hooking up with him) at least putting his feeling ahead of yours....

[DreamP]

I have a few male friends that I actually feel very comfortable with and can see myself going on trips like this without any problem. But as a married woman, I wouldn't. Maybe a once in a lifetime, "girl-friends" type of trip, but definitely not twice in a 6 month time frame. She is using this guy. Also, if she thinks you are being jealous about it, then she really has a warped view on appropriateness.

[CupCakess]

The guy is clearly interested in her, and even if you wish to believe her she is not having an affair with him (I wouldn't), do you want some guy hitting on your girlfriend? I wouldn't.

 

The guy rich or something?

 

As you mentioned, this crossed the line. I personally think she is way over her head expecting you to puyt up with this.

 

My personal opinion is to break up inmediatly with her. She doesn't realise what she is doing, so its not even worth irt to try to salvage a relationship with a person that can't see it.

[Jabron1]

even if she is not putting out she is still using this man in an awful way. That alone makes her not the kind of woman any man should date.

 

Dating is one thing. I've 'dated' a lot of women that kept guys around to do stuff for them.

 

The trick is this: don't become one of those guys yourself, and keep the relationship casual.

 

Never in a million years would I consider a woman like this my girlfriend

[italianjob]

As for her exploiting this guy's wealth and willingness to pay for trips without letting him getting any, I think the fact that they're having a trip in May makes it unlikely that the trip to Paris in April was not fruitful...

[Jabron1]

As for her exploiting this guy's wealth and willingness to pay for trips without letting him getting any, I think the fact that they're having a trip in May makes it unlikely that the trip to Paris in April was not fruitful...

 

The guy's game is so weak that he has to take her to Milan and Paris just to spend time with her.

 

Anything is possible with a guy that desperate.

[italianjob]

The guy's game is so weak that he has to take her to Milan and Paris just to spend time with her.

 

Anything is possible with a guy that desperate.

 

Possible, but not likely IMO, if he was expecting to get some and didn't he wouldn't waste more money so soon

[aliveagain]

He us buying her, giving her things that you financially can't. That is his way of showing her he is a better choice. He is making you look bad. I suppose you thought about the sleeping arrangements, unlikely he opted for a room with two beds. Think about it, Paris, Milan, sharing a bed, alcohol, clubs, dinners, are you sure you want to be made a fool by him again? No man spends thousands on a trip with someone else's girlfriend unless he's getting something out of it and that something will go very poorly for you. Your setting yourself up for a very big fall, one too many in this relationship for it to work. Find someone that only needs you to make her happy.

[talldeepthinker]

I wasn't invited on either trip, or any of their day outings to places. I've told her time and time again that it's a weird situation but she brushes it off. I'm half tempted to contact him and see if he actually knows I exist. But I think I'll just walk away instead.

 

Whilst I'm not 100% sure he's paying for it I know that she's pretty much broke. She has to move out her flat and share with her friend soon because she can't afford to keep it on. People that can't afford rent, do not stay for four nights in the Marriott hotel in Paris.

 

But I can't understand if she is using him for trips/money because she won't take a penny off me, or let me pay for things. Unless this is one big smoke screen?

 

She's messing with my mind too much. You guys have given me the wake up call I needed.

[aliveagain]

The Marriott hotel's in Paris range from $271.00 US per night, double bed to over $1000.00 US per night with a king size bed(average rooms, not luxury suits. If she can't afford her own apartment she wouldn't be spending that kind of money for a hotel room each night for 4 nights plus airfare, meals, entertainment, transportation. No guy spends that kind of money on someone without expecting something in return. The least this guy is expecting is to steal her away from you. There is something wrong with her perspective of what a serious relationship looks like. The fact she asking you if she can shack up with another man who is paying for her time by paying for her holiday not once but twice is really twisted. She must think your slow or something. You need to tune her into what your boundaries are or cut her loose. It's obvious to me that she's dating both of you, day trips without you?

[talldeepthinker]

The Marriott hotel's in Paris range from $271.00 US per night, double bed to over $1000.00 US per night with a king size bed(average rooms, not luxury suits. If she can't afford her own apartment she wouldn't be spending that kind of money for a hotel room each night for 4 nights plus airfare, meals, entertainment, transportation. No guy spends that kind of money on someone without expecting something in return. The least this guy is expecting is to steal her away from you. There is something wrong with her perspective of what a serious relationship looks like. The fact she asking you if she can shack up with another man who is paying for her time by paying for her holiday not once but twice is really twisted. She must think your slow or something. You need to tune her into what your boundaries are or cut her loose. It's obvious to me that she's dating both of you, day trips without you?

 

Maybe I'm looking too much into this, but she did send me a picture of a tray with a complimentary bottle of water and fruit. On that tray was two sets of cutlery in napkins. She denied sharing a room but I can't imagine they travelled together, arrived at the hotel together and had separate rooms. I think she slipped up when she got back to Paris and said she's looking forward to privacy. I questioned whether they were sharing and she made up some story about getting up and eating at certain times.

 

The night she arrived she must have said to me via phone that she loved me about ten times and would not go until I said it back. Guilt? I don't know.

[Emilia]

Meh, at the age of 43 I have no time for people who play stupid little games. Next!

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe I'm looking too much into this, but she did send me a picture of a tray with a complimentary bottle of water and fruit. On that tray was two sets of cutlery in napkins. She denied sharing a room but I can't imagine they travelled together, arrived at the hotel together and had separate rooms. I think she slipped up when she got back to Paris and said she's looking forward to privacy. I questioned whether they were sharing and she made up some story about getting up and eating at certain times.

 

The night she arrived she must have said to me via phone that she loved me about ten times and would not go until I said it back. Guilt? I don't know.

 

Bingo.

 

I don't believe for one hot second they didn't share a room. Now she's about to do it again.

 

She's playing both of you for fools. I wouldn't be surprised if this other guy thinks he's her boyfriend, too.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, i just went back and re-read your posts. A couple questions:

 

When this guy calls her while she's with you, does she answer?

 

How often do they see each other? (that you know of)

 

Has she ever offered to introduce you to him?

 

The more I think about it, the more I seriously wonder if she's actually dating this other man. It rather sounds like it.

[aliveagain]

Two rooms really? That's $540-2000 plus a night for hotel rooms. Two sets of cutlery and napkins means they are one room double occupancy, they don't send two of anything unless it shows two people are occupying the room. Why would she go to his room to eat and not the hotel restaurant? She's blowing smoke up your a$$.