Do you think I can save us?

[MisguidedSoul]

This is definitely not a normal scenerio. I realize I've made brash decisions which caused most of this to happen.

 

I have known my best friend for 6 years. We are both in our early 20's, and are just trying to figure out our paths in life. She's my rock, and we were dating for three of those years. The first 2 years were the best years of my life. Every memory I share is wrapped in eternal love and held dear to my heart.

 

When the 3rd year came my ex girlfriend started a new job, and in doing so made new friends. We have always been the type who have felt the need to help everyone we can. As time went on one of her coworkers ended up becoming homeless, and we quickly decided he could stay with us until he got on his feet. He is a good person, but is very much in to drugs. I'm not saying that smoking marijuana is a bad thing here and there, but when it gets to the point you are in that alternate mindset everyday that's when it begins to get worrisome.

 

A few months went by and we all grew close. At this point we were all smoking and experimenting with different things. One day mid June, my roommate came home with acid. I had never had a hallucinogenic before, and was a bit scared since I wasn't sure I had the right mindset from battling depression. Ultimately, I caved and my outcome was a horrible trip. I lost a big portion of my sanity during it.

 

From that moment on I never felt fully in control of my emotions and felt trapped in my mind. I won't go in to detail of the things I've encountered and experienced. I was really scared after that, and was always battling to beat the will to want to live. I didn't want anyone to know, so I continued to get high everyday which made things worse.

 

Fast forward to July, my girlfriend, my roommate, his girlfriend, and I decided to take a trip to a Warped tour date. Before we left my roommate found a connection to get shrooms, and convinced us to get some. When we arrived my girlfriend and I both ate a decent portion. The thing about shrooms is that it wasn't necessarily a bad trip because it helped me begin to escape my mind. At this point I had literally felt trapped. My ultimate revelation was that I need to stop abusing drugs and altering my mind state as often as I was.

 

For the record, I'm not a druggie and have just done stupid things in the process of growing up. Anyways, I got so complacent in the routine of getting high that I stopped thinking about the effort of doing it. It took me 8 and 1/2 months to finally win the battle with my sanity and stop smoking. I don't anymore, and when I finally began to feel in control of my mind I noticed a big time loss.

 

I don't really remember the months I was struggling to stop. So now we are caught up with the past, and I can explain why I'm writing this all. When I finally started regaining the feeling of actually being here I kept noticing things within my relationship that were off. We seemed to be snapping at each other, my girlfriend wouldn't come home until 5 or 6 in the morning, and we rarely talked. I was honestly confused by what was going on. I kept making an effort to spend quality time and it never felt reciprocated.

 

A few weeks passed and I received a phone call from a girlfriend of my girlfriend's coworker saying that they had been messing around during this period in which I can't remember. We sat down and talked, cried, laughed, yelled, and finally got everything out there. You see during the time I was battling my sanity I was struggling to be there emotionally for her.

 

The more she came to me the more she felt hurt and unloved. When she reached out to talk to her friend her Co worker took advantage of that, and it ultimately resulted in this. I'm torn now because it seems that because she felt like I wasn't there for her we lost our spark. Well, I didn't every second that passes I think of her. Hell, I'm up at 5:30 in the morning asking for help because I genuinely want to save us.

 

You see before this episode I bought a ring to marry her, and now I just stare at it wishing things were different and she still loved me in that sense. I regret the mistakes I've made everyday. We are still best friends, and have decided to work on rebuilding our friendship. She says she loves me and will always be here for me, but right now it's hard for her to feel I'll actually be there when she needs me. She says she doesn't blame me for all of this, but I do.

 

I need help on how to work on the friendship and show her I'm here for her in any way she needs me. Ultimately, I just want to fix this relationship and rekindle our love. Do you think there is a chance?

Edited May 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Buddhist]

There's a chance, sure. But only if your girlfriend and you both accept some responsibilities of your own.

 

- It's not for you to be there every single time your girlfriend falls over emotionally. She has to learn to stand on her own two feet too. If she comes to expect you to be an emotional crutch then your relationship has no future at all. She will forever resent the times you weren't there and it will be a constant thorn in your side. If she can accept responsibility for her own emotional support then there's a chance you could grow together again.

 

- The spark and it's loss was always going to happen, drugs or no drugs. You have to accept that part of a relationship is always finite. It's the cosy little eggshell of the first blush of love but sooner or later the eggshell must be broken out of and you both have to face the world, and each other realistically. Look at this situation as a trial run for marriage. Because I can guarantee there will be future instances were you both fail in a relationship and it ends up badly. This is the first test to see if you can work together and actually make a go of a real relationship that can weather storms.

 

If you guys can't get through this and re-stablish a healthy relationship then a marriage was never going to work between you.

[MisguidedSoul]

Thank you I appreciate the wise words. I just have that trouble transitioning from lover to friend, but I think I can fix it eventually.

[mikeylo]

It's all how about how someone makes you feel, really ! You made her feel unwanted, unloved etc. Why would she want to be around you ?

 

Staying friends with an ex is not a good choice.

[MisguidedSoul]

Yeah, I see that now, but we have a very strong friendship. Its a lot different then most. We actually want to be friends and grow past this.

[mikeylo]

If you want to stay just friends with an ex, yours doesn't sound like an ideal situation. Feelings / emotions are on the surface! Go complete no contact for a long time , maybe a couple of years and then when feelings of love are all gone , then see the possibility of being friends.

 

But ideal situation is to not stay friends with an ex. You need to get over each other to make way for new lovers. As long as you stay in contact , non of you can move on.

 

Go complete NC

[ABaker072004]

Hi Misguidedsoul! It is so great that you are reaching out, that alone demonstrates the level of care you have for her. To be honest, relationships are tough! Having been married for 12 years now, I can tell you, there are ups and downs, and the key is the determination that not working is not an option. We all make mistakes in our journey of growing up, so don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you have owned your mistakes and that is a big first step. Like you said, she has experience some hurts during that time, but hurts do heal, just sometimes we get discouraged from the wait. One question I have, does she know you have the ring? Communication is everything because often we can get thoughts regarding what we see and what we are experiencing, and those thoughts can render a assumption that is often incorrect. So openly discussing our hearts is the key to avoid misunderstanding. It is clear you hold deep feelings for her, and she states that she loves you, it may be just that she has a level of distrust given what all you have gone through together. All that in itself is something to build on. Love never fails, but we have to be consistent and persistent, of course without being overbearing. Take steps, even the smallest can have the biggest impact. Once you have opened up about the past, you have to leave the past right there, in the past to move forward. Don't beat yourself up, forgive yourself and move forward.

[MisguidedSoul]

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I recently told her before all this happen I was waiting, but planned on asking her to marry me. I think she feels so confused on where to go in life and that in this current moment she needs to be alone to find herself. We talk a lot and she says she just isn't looking to be in a relationship right now. I know that all I can do is step back, assess the situation, and determine the best way to go about this. I think I need to let time heal our friendship, prove to her and foremost myself that I've listened/ potentially begining to grow, and hopefully we can revisit discussing getting back together later down the road if that's something she wants. I just don't want to lose her. Do you think there is anything I could do differently?

[mikeylo]

I guess I got your previous post wrong ! Anyway, it seems you both are still in love and hurting together ! Look man, you've got to give your girl emotional support. It's really simple. If she has to rely upon herself for everything all the time , where do you fit in ? I just replied on a married section where a guy is complaining that his wife does everything without him ! That's not the place anyone should reach.

Too much space, people learn to live without you. If you don't give attention to your girl , someone else will.

 

Do little things that you did when you started wooing her ? Things that remind her how you both got together in the first place? Don't force but bring it out as a surprise that gives her a flash from the past.

 

Don't try to be friends. Stay lovers who keep friendship or you might fall into friend zone.

 

Give a little push here and there. Heal together. Feel her pain. Bring a smile to her face! Say sorry and mean it. There is a lot a guy can do but many don't. It's work ! But it's only you who gets her love in the end. Do it when time is by your side and she is too. Living in regrets ruins life !

[MisguidedSoul]

Thanks man. Its a bit hard because I have such a big period of time loss and its difficult to remember certain things I did that made her happy. I'm just going to take it day by day and be here to listen when she needs it. I know I'll push her away if I don't be subtle about it all.

[mikeylo]

Yeah, I understand ! It could be painful to relive the same moments because they could seem like a lie now ! Duh

Make new memories ? I'm trying to save your love ! It's hard to find someone who really loves you and bad decisions can hurt them. But hey, if remaking history binds you forever, then all is fair in love and war