Husband is getting fat while I'm still fit :(

[snowbunni]

It's definitely impossible for me to enjoy sex with an obese guy lol. Sorry but it's just true. I stay fit so it seems really wrong for him to get so fat.

[RecentChange]

Okay a few points....

 

As someone who has lost, and kept off a significant amount of weight - and has helped my spouse lose weight, I agree, low fat is NOT the way to go for many people.

 

For me, and my Mr. high protein, low carb, even lower sugar, and lower refined sugars is the way to go. Fat, especially healthy fat is a vital part of my diet, as it does reduce huger. I eat avocado daily, salmon several times a week etc. If I have a sweet tooth - its apple with peanut butter to the rescue.

 

All that said - 270, thats big. A subtle change, or getting into a gym once a week isn't going to cut it. This is the kind of weight that needs SIGNIFICANT life style changes to come off.

 

How big was he when you married him? How quickly did the weight pack on. WHAT CHANGED? Has he ever been an exerciser? Ever watched what he eats? Developing good habits takes focus and time.

 

This should have been addressed 75 pounds ago - but now, I think you need to have a heart to heart. About how you love him but are scared for his health. About how you love him, but can't be attracted to him physically in his current state. About how you love him, and are willing to support him in any way you can to help him make positive changes for himself.

 

I would talk to him about how you love him, and want him to want better for himself. About how exercising etc can be a real drag at first, you know, but the results can be so rewarding. That you want him healthy, happy, and to be your partner for many years to come - and in order to do that, things will have to change.

 

Recognize it will be hard, and that it will take effort, and that you will be his cheerleader - because YOU deserve the fit healthy husband, and HE deserves to be happy and healthy as well.

[Emilia]

I do not nag him .

I referred to nagging, I meant his for sex.

[stilltrying16]

What brought on the weight gain? Was there an emotional event that might have made him insecure? Childhood issues? Or a change in circumstances, eg a new more sedentary job? I don't think weight gain just happens- there's usually a physiological or psychological cause.

 

It's an addiction. Of course as other posters implied, we can't just reason someone out of an addiction. I'd suggest therapy to start with. Also makes no sense to force yourself to have sex with someone you aren't attracted to, but making time for him in other ways will show him you still love and respect him- that's if you do want to stay.

 

You said you got him a gym membership- is he comfortable working out in public? Would he prefer doing something at home? And are physical activities he could do with you or with friends?

[NTV]

(of course I get violent, but the desired outcome of nagging was never achieved either--that'd be like rewarding bad behavior.)

 

 

 

 

Holy cow!!! I just realized that I totally lost the word 'don't'. I meant of course I DON'T get violent. Dang smartphone.

 

 

Please forgive my error! I would never recommend physical violence!

 

 

That's embarrassing....

[Moxie Lady]

Holy cow!!! I just realized that I totally lost the word 'don't'. I meant of course I DON'T get violent. Dang smartphone.

 

 

Please forgive my error! I would never recommend physical violence!

 

 

That's embarrassing....

 

I wondered about that

[snowbunni]

What brought on the weight gain? Was there an emotional event that might have made him insecure? Childhood issues? Or a change in circumstances, eg a new more sedentary job? I don't think weight gain just happens- there's usually a physiological or psychological cause.

 

There's no trauma that I'm aware of

[TrustedthenBusted]

Welp, I'm not withholding sex; I just don't WANT to have sex with him because he's become so obese. I did not marry an obese guy.

 

 

I'm in this thing for better or worse, even if that means I never get to enjoy sex again.

 

Well, try this....you make him a weight chart, and tell him at 250 lbs, he gets...I dunno....a strip tease show from you or something....at 240....a lapdance, of the variety that usually demands a hefty tip if you catch my meaning....at 230....Ooh baby! Lock the Door cause *****s gonna get weird in here!

 

And then at 220, you tell him that you are actually going to have to go to Thailand to learn some forbidden techniques that can only be unleashed on very healthy men.

 

And than you take charge. Cook the food, lead the walks. Do the P90X with him etc etc... Make it something you do together.

 

And if he doesn't go for it...tell him what you've been telling us.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm in this thing for better or worse, even if that means I never get to enjoy sex again.

 

He begs for sex every day but I only do it once a month out of duty.

 

You're going to have to admit that your present situation is unmanageable - for both of you. You can paper over the cracks for a while, but anger, resentment and dissatisfaction will eventually make themselves known in ways both subtle and overt.

 

You'll have to level with him, at this point it's unfair to both of you. And there's ways in which that can be done that emphasize both your commitment to the marriage and desire to see him healthy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[brothers343]

What brought on the weight gain? Was there an emotional event that might have made him insecure? Childhood issues? Or a change in circumstances, eg a new more sedentary job? I don't think weight gain just happens- there's usually a physiological or psychological cause.

 

There's no trauma that I'm aware of

I want to apologize to you for my unforgiven nature. Marriege does work both ways. And I do agree that resentment and more other issues will arise from this. Hopefully he will get help. And thank you for coming here and letting us into your world. Good luck.

[whatcanitellyou]

You've got to either divorce him or tell him directly that his weight gain is a turn off. If he pouts he pouts. Frankly I don't know how he can't be aware that he's fat and gross. .... if I put on 10 pounds I know it and assume my hb can tell.

 

Frankly letting oneself go and then nagging for sex is pretty selfish. I wonder how he'd feel if you stuffed yourself with McDonalds and let yourself go.

 

Don't be a jerk when you tell him, but do tell him that you love him but his body doesn't do anything for you in its present state.

 

Come back and let us know how the conversation goes.

[amaysngrace]

I hope you have a life insurance policy on him.

[stilltrying16]

What brought on the weight gain? Was there an emotional event that might have made him insecure? Childhood issues? Or a change in circumstances, eg a new more sedentary job? I don't think weight gain just happens- there's usually a physiological or psychological cause.

 

There's no trauma that I'm aware of

 

 

You've said it's not a deal breaker; that you can resign yourself to a sexless marriage if need be. I wanted to say that I certainly won't judge you if it's a dealbreaker. My advice below is based on you not wanting to break it off.

 

So as someone who's had issues with weight in my time, let me tell you what doesn't help to be nagged, scolded, be given a rewards-punishment system by someone else. You do not want to turn into his monitor-it's too unequal a relationship and it will lead to resentment. What might work instead is a pact- where you fix something in yourself that needs fixing and then he fixes what's going on in his weight.

 

What also works is the feeling of acceptance and love. So if sexual intimacy is fading, make up for it with other kinds of intimacy. Talk with him more, get a clearer sense of what's going on in his life. Tell him what's going on in yours and show him you need him. None of this may be directly related to weight management but I think it makes all the difference in giving him the emotional strength he needs.

 

Other suggestions:

 

-ask him how he feels about the gym

-ask him if he is self conscious and feels better working out on his own

-ask him what physical activities he liked doing before. If he actually LIKES -the activity he is much more likely to get back into it. And everyone has -some physical activity they like.

-make sure he gets a physical before he starts.

-ask him how he feels about working with a personal trainer. You can do small group personal training- and both of you could sign up in the same gym

-get a sense if something has changed for him in his circumstances or psychologically that has thrown him off his game.

 

It's a physical addiction. You can't cut off the supply- food- so it's hard to manage. Those who've never had an issue (till now) find it impossible to understand and are very quick to sneer and judge. But it is an addiction. It is NOT just about willpower.

 

Luckily for him, men can lose weight much faster and get more buff more quickly than us- (I really don't think that's fair btw grrrr )

 

Therefore once he gets going he'll work it off.

 

I can tell you as someone who has struggled with weight in the past that threats and even the reward/punishment thing do not help. Even if it works temporarily, it backfires.

Edited May 23, 2016 by stilltrying16

[BettyDraper]

I hate the gym and exercise classes so I exercise at at home. I do weight training in my basement and we have a great treadmill so I speed walk on that for an hour four times a week.

 

I'm sharing this because one reason your husband may not exercise is feeling self conscious about exercising in public. Of course, lack of initiative to exercise is likely the culprit.

 

When I used to smoke weed, it led to unhealthy eating habits and laziness. I started to make changes when I realized that my belly was so large that I couldn't bend over to tie my shoes. I also hated having an extra chin and wobbly arms. I stopped smoking weed and changed my diet. Now I am more toned. My husband's compliments and encouragement help keep me going.

 

I don't understand why you are getting so much flack for not wanting to have sex with a fat husband. If a man post here about his wife weighing almost 300 pounds and being turned off, I'm sure that many male members of this forum would be more understanding. Few people like to admit that physical attraction is important in a relationship.

 

I like the suggestion about working on weight loss together. Start with an evening walk and build up from there. My husband and I stay on top of each other to exercise and eat properly. Today I roasted a whole chicken for dinner with roasted asparagus on the side. I've also recently started making my own kale chips and my husband loves them.

[SensitiveTJ]

Well, try this....you make him a weight chart, and tell him at 250 lbs, he gets...I dunno....a strip tease show from you or something....at 240....a lapdance, of the variety that usually demands a hefty tip if you catch my meaning....at 230....Ooh baby! Lock the Door cause *****s gonna get weird in here!

 

And then at 220, you tell him that you are actually going to have to go to Thailand to learn some forbidden techniques that can only be unleashed on very healthy men.

 

And than you take charge. Cook the food, lead the walks. Do the P90X with him etc etc... Make it something you do together.

 

And if he doesn't go for it...tell him what you've been telling us.

 

I'm not sure I endorse this advice, but it sure did make me giggle while reading.

[snowbunni]

I talked to him. I said in the nicest way possible that we should start exercising together and that I would come up with a whole bunch of yummy healthy meals and that he could pick out any one of those meals for me to make for him every night.

 

 

He literally laughed in my face and said that unless I make fried chicken tenders and mashed potatoes he would have to go to fast food places late at night. He also said no to exercise

[lchf]

That sounds like good info. Are you fit?

 

 

You're right that I was cooking him low-fat foods.

 

I am but I train for strongman so I need to keep some bulk on.

 

I talked to him. I said in the nicest way possible that we should start exercising together and that I would come up with a whole bunch of yummy healthy meals and that he could pick out any one of those meals for me to make for him every night.

 

 

He literally laughed in my face and said that unless I make fried chicken tenders and mashed potatoes he would have to go to fast food places late at night. He also said no to exercise

 

Wow that made me sad to read. If I knew my gf didn't find me attractive anymore because my body was getting out of hand I would do everything to change that. Sounds like he's not interested in fixing his poor lifestyle choices, so honestly I have no advice for making a stubborn horse drink.

 

I haven't read every response in this thread, have you ever stated to him your marriage may be on the line if he doesn't do something?

[Buddhist]

I talked to him.

 

He literally laughed in my face and said that unless I make fried chicken tenders and mashed potatoes he would have to go to fast food places late at night. He also said no to exercise

 

Well that's it then. He prefers being fat to being married.

[SammySammy]

People don't change unless they choose to change. Helping, encouraging, supporting, threatening, challenging, punishing ... nothing works unless they choose to change.

 

Sad, but true.

 

The only thing we control is our response.

[Emilia]

I talked to him. I said in the nicest way possible that we should start exercising together and that I would come up with a whole bunch of yummy healthy meals and that he could pick out any one of those meals for me to make for him every night.

 

He literally laughed in my face and said that unless I make fried chicken tenders and mashed potatoes he would have to go to fast food places late at night. He also said no to exercise

Yep of course. You don't get to 270lbs by just having a little bit of snack here and there. It's a mentality towards food that some people have.

 

Decision time OP. It seems obligations are one-sided in your marriage.

[TaraMaiden2]

I talked to him. I said in the nicest way possible that we should start exercising together and that I would come up with a whole bunch of yummy healthy meals and that he could pick out any one of those meals for me to make for him every night.

 

 

He literally laughed in my face and said that unless I make fried chicken tenders and mashed potatoes he would have to go to fast food places late at night. He also said no to exercise

 

It proves my point that many men, once they have it 'made' become complacent and start taking your continued devotion and presence for granted.

 

 

 

People don't change unless they choose to change. Helping, encouraging, supporting, threatening, challenging, punishing ... nothing works unless they choose to change.

 

Sad, but true.

 

The only thing we control is our response.

Totally agree with this.

If you decide to leave him, and walk out, one of two things will happen:

 

(1): He will either become MORE indolent, and feed himself to stave off the depressing thought of your leaving - which will, of course, only cement your resolve and confirm his attitude,

 

Or -

 

(2): He will move hell and high water to lose weight, tone up, be they guy you always had before, in order to win you back.

 

If that happens - and he succeeds in winning you back - time will tell whether it was a manipulative measure, or a true and steadfast effort to pull his weight.

 

If you would pardon the pun.

[Phoenician]

WOW !

 

 

 

I am shocked , where did vows go !

 

What is the problem with ppl nowadays !

 

He is sick !

 

he is depressed , and the only support he gets from the dearest person to his heart is a punishment .

 

One thing I leaned through tough years is that :

 

Men should never , ever beg for sex ,no partner should do it , I was in a sexless marriage , and begged for sex in vain , she was not feeling up to do it because I don't satisfy every desire of shopping she has ; and she is fat , never exercised .

Now I am in a better situation , because the unattractive me proved that he can get laid with other women if he wants ( never did it);

 

Going back to the main op complaint :

 

bunny : your husband is sick , he is depressed , where is your vows to love him ?

 

he could be a jerk , but the way you are handling is so so so ...

[Emilia]

WOW !

 

I am shocked , where did vows go !

 

What is the problem with ppl nowadays !

 

He is sick !

 

he is depressed , and the only support he gets from the dearest person to his heart is a punishment .

 

One thing I leaned through tough years is that :

 

Men should never , ever beg for sex ,no partner should do it , I was in a sexless marriage , and begged for sex in vain , she was not feeling up to do it because I don't satisfy every desire of shopping she has ; and she is fat , never exercised .

Now I am in a better situation , because the unattractive me proved that he can get laid with other women if he wants ( never did it);

 

Going back to the main op complaint :

 

bunny : your husband is sick , he is depressed , where is your vows to love him ?

 

he could be a jerk , but the way you are handling is so so so ...

It's not 'ppl nowdays', it's people having extensive relationship experience: you can't fix people.

[Phoenician]

It's not 'ppl nowdays', it's people having extensive relationship experience: you can't fix people.

 

Where did empathy go ?

 

The more extensive we are becoming in our relationships the more selfish we are becoming .

[BettyDraper]

I talked to him. I said in the nicest way possible that we should start exercising together and that I would come up with a whole bunch of yummy healthy meals and that he could pick out any one of those meals for me to make for him every night.

 

 

He literally laughed in my face and said that unless I make fried chicken tenders and mashed potatoes he would have to go to fast food places late at night. He also said no to exercise

 

Wow. What a disrespectful response.

 

I'm sorry your husband is being so selfish and lazy.

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't care about his health or appearance? I know that I couldn't.