Husband is getting fat while I'm still fit :(

[BettyDraper]

WOW !

 

 

 

I am shocked , where did vows go !

 

What is the problem with ppl nowadays !

 

He is sick !

 

he is depressed , and the only support he gets from the dearest person to his heart is a punishment .

 

One thing I leaned through tough years is that :

 

Men should never , ever beg for sex ,no partner should do it , I was in a sexless marriage , and begged for sex in vain , she was not feeling up to do it because I don't satisfy every desire of shopping she has ; and she is fat , never exercised .

Now I am in a better situation , because the unattractive me proved that he can get laid with other women if he wants ( never did it);

 

Going back to the main op complaint :

 

bunny : your husband is sick , he is depressed , where is your vows to love him ?

 

he could be a jerk , but the way you are handling is so so so ...

 

He cannot be that depressed if he is laughing at her suggestions to be healthier. Sounds like he only cares about his addiction to junk food and sloth.

 

Why should she subject herself to being disgusted by someone who refuses to take adequate care of his health? Nobody is obligated to have sex when they are turned off by someone who makes no effort to do better. The OP's husband is badgering her for sex because he refuses to try to look attractive and she is understandably turned off. It's not as if she is just withholding sex to be cold and mean. Think about the reasons why this is happening instead of condemning the OP for her completely normal reaction.

 

If a spouse is sick, it is his responsibility to seek ways to heal. A partner can only do so much. For example, I struggle with more than one chronic illness. I take my medication, I eat properly and I exercise in order to keep myself in the best shape possible. I have also sought counseling and read many books about healing from trauma so that I could be more vulnerable. It isn't my husband's job to nag a grown woman to take care of herself and if I refused to do as well as I could, that shows a lack of respect for myself and for my husband. How can anyone who does not love himself love his wife? It's not possible.

 

The bottom line is, marriage is not a free pass to become fat and lazy. Spouses should always try to stay healthy and look good for each other.

[beatcuff]

Where did empathy go ?

 

The more extensive we are becoming in our relationships the more selfish we are becoming .

 

oops. it appears your 'barb' towards her caught him as well. she expressed her frustration and he 'laughed' at her: a/k/a i am more important than you. a/k/a my weight GAIN (happiness) supersedes your happiness.

 

OP many of the most recent responses offer some good insight. unfortunately for you (i am living it), no nagging, begging, pleading, threatening, support, dieting, exercise... will change this. only he can, and his response (laughing) is not very encouraging he wants to change.

 

you have three choices:

leave

suffer

and a long shot (back to the above): tell him "we need to talk". then explain 'his weight gain is making him no longer attractive, your desire is gone and your love is waning'. don't offer a solution, don't say anything, walk away. maybe, just maybe hearing those words AND seeing you walk away might make him realize you could (not that you would) leave him. only then, MAYBE he will make an effort. but i doubt it.

 

good luck.

[UnsureHusband]

Even though he laughed in my face at this, you are shaming ME. Why, I have no effing idea lol. I think maybe you're not very smart.

 

My only thing to add here is to be careful what you wish for.

 

I'm 46, 6'2", and a few years back was up to about 270. I did the paleo diet, dropped 50 pounds, and started going to the gym regularly. I know have more muscle on me than I ever had, and I'm in literally the best shape of my life.

 

My point? Nothing really changed in my relationship. If anything sex became much less frequent.

 

The upside, for me at least, is that now I seem to get a lot of attention from other women, most of them a good bit younger. And some of those offers are getting tempting.

[TaraMaiden2]

My only thing to add here is to be careful what you wish for.

 

I'm 46, 6'2", and a few years back was up to about 270. I did the paleo diet, dropped 50 pounds, and started going to the gym regularly. I know have more muscle on me than I ever had, and I'm in literally the best shape of my life.

 

My point? Nothing really changed in my relationship. If anything sex became much less frequent.

 

The upside, for me at least, is that now I seem to get a lot of attention from other women, most of them a good bit younger. And some of those offers are getting tempting.

 

All she wants is her husband back. I don't think that's too much to ask.

 

Maybe her situation is different to yours?

Did your wife comment on your weight?

Did she suggest you could do to eat more healthily?

Work out?

Slim down?

 

How big were you when you first married her?

 

Did you lose your weight because it was good for you alone, or to try to be good for you both?

 

See, it's all very well suggesting caveats, but the situations might be so different as to make them redundant.

[stillafool]

My only thing to add here is to be careful what you wish for.

 

I'm 46, 6'2", and a few years back was up to about 270. I did the paleo diet, dropped 50 pounds, and started going to the gym regularly. I know have more muscle on me than I ever had, and I'm in literally the best shape of my life.

 

My point? Nothing really changed in my relationship. If anything sex became much less frequent.

 

The upside, for me at least, is that now I seem to get a lot of attention from other women, most of them a good bit younger. And some of those offers are getting tempting.

 

Why would sex be less frequent if you are in shape? Is your wife out of shape? Also 46 year old women who are in shape get a lot of attention from younger men as well. So I guess everyone should make sure they stay fit and healthy.

[UnsureHusband]

All she wants is her husband back. I don't think that's too much to ask....

 

Maybe her situation is different to yours?...

 

See, it's all very well suggesting caveats, but the situations might be so different as to make them redundant.

 

Yes, I agree. All situations a different. I was just adding in another angle.

 

I was a bit smaller when we married, we both were since we were 22 at the time.

 

She never told me i was too big, it was more what wasn't said. We had both put on weight over the years. I always found her attractive no matter her size and would tell her, but while she'd never been one to compliment me much, any compliments she would make seemed to stop completely. She also mentioned that she was a bit bored with sex, so I thought I should shape up and try to make things more interesting, more romantic, though none of that helped.

 

So I'm glad I lost the weight and got healthy, but that alone certainly didn't do anything for our relationship. If anything, i just realized that I have other options.

[Liam1]

A few things:

 

 

First to BROTHERS: Nowhere in my post did I say I'm divorcing him. You are shaming me for not being attracted to fat guys and for coming to a relationship message board to seek advice about what I should do. The whole reason I'm here, in fact, is to avoid divorce.

 

 

Thanks to everyone else for their advice. I do not nag him and I try to be so nice when I encourage him to work out and exercise, and I try to make healthy food as tasty as possible. I will make him delicious meals blending chicken or fish with sauted veggies, and he will eat it, but then he will sneak out for junk food! It's like he's cheating on me with McDonald's.

 

Snowbunni:

 

I have not read all the post, so maybe someone already mentioned this:

 

Your husband may have metabolic syndrome. It is a pre-diabetic state caused by insulin resistance.

 

Typically a person gains weight and dieting and working out do not help much and that leads to frustration and failure to stick to an exercise or diet plan.

 

Ask your doctor about a drug called Metformin, used to treat insulin resistance.

 

It may help.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes, I agree. All situations a different. I was just adding in another angle.

 

I was a bit smaller when we married, we both were since we were 22 at the time.

 

She never told me i was too big, it was more what wasn't said. We had both put on weight over the years. I always found her attractive no matter her size and would tell her, but while she'd never been one to compliment me much, any compliments she would make seemed to stop completely. She also mentioned that she was a bit bored with sex, so I thought I should shape up and try to make things more interesting, more romantic, though none of that helped.

 

So I'm glad I lost the weight and got healthy, but that alone certainly didn't do anything for our relationship. If anything, i just realized that I have other options.

 

Not while you're married, you haven't...

 

So the situations have similarities but are still different...

[UnsureHusband]

Not while you're married, you haven't...

 

So the situations have similarities but are still different...

 

 

Yes, I agree they are different.

[oldshirt]

No one should ever have to have sex with someone they don't desire and are not attracted to.

 

If someone wants to have an active sex life it is their responsibility to be sexually desirable. There is no excuse for anyone being morbidly obese.

 

If he wants a Sexlife, it's on him to become desirable to his spouse.

 

If he doesn't want to do that, he should not expect her to have sex with him.

 

If she starts riding some hot hunk at the gym, that is the risk he takes by being fat.

 

If he he dumps her for not being into him, that is his perogative and choice, but good luck finding an attractive, fit chick that does want him.

[William]

Folks, moderation received some reports on this thread and Robert did some work and a quick review shows some off-topic and potentially uncivil content being broached so let's steer this back to ideas to help this fat husband get fit and/or the thread starter restore health to their marriage. We suggest reading back as responses from the thread starter may be delayed. Thanks!

Edited May 24, 2016 by William
Addendum

[UnsureHusband]

No one should ever have to have sex with someone they don't desire and are not attracted to.

 

If someone wants to have an active sex life it is their responsibility to be sexually desirable. There is no excuse for anyone being morbidly obese.

 

If he wants a Sexlife, it's on him to become desirable to his spouse.

 

If he doesn't want to do that, he should not expect her to have sex with him.

 

If she starts riding some hot hunk at the gym, that is the risk he takes by being fat.

 

If he he dumps her for not being into him, that is his perogative and choice, but good luck finding an attractive, fit chick that does want him.

 

This is all very true. But if the roles were reversed and a man said this about a woman... I think it would start WWIII.. haha

[carhill]

Snowbunni:

Your husband may have metabolic syndrome. It is a pre-diabetic state caused by insulin resistance.

 

Typically a person gains weight and dieting and working out do not help much and that leads to frustration and failure to stick to an exercise or diet plan.

 

Ask your doctor about a drug called Metformin, used to treat insulin resistance.

 

It may help.

 

Thanks for the tip and I hope the OP checks into that. At my age, I'm noting some of what you relate and, though my sugars are in the normal range, they are at the high end of it so it's worth a look. In general, working medical potentials would be where I'd start with this. Rule out/in organic then focus on psychological.

 

What I found to work with my exW was team stuff and making it fun, like a hike at the beach rather than going to the gym. It worked better for me too. We got into the routine of walking a couple miles 3 or 4 days a week in the morning before she went to work. Did it magically take off weight? Nah, not much but it felt good and created a positive outlook on exercise and health.

 

Since we're all getting older and I'm the youngest in the group I get my older friends out walking just by stuff like, hey, let's walk down to the beach or walk the neighborhood and check out the cool houses or xxxx. Once we get moving things take off. Small steps.

 

Anyway, thanks for the tip. I'll check it out.

[NTV]

I talked to him. I said in the nicest way possible that we should start exercising together and that I would come up with a whole bunch of yummy healthy meals and that he could pick out any one of those meals for me to make for him every night.

 

 

He literally laughed in my face and said that unless I make fried chicken tenders and mashed potatoes he would have to go to fast food places late at night. He also said no to exercise

 

 

 

 

 

The laughing could have been a defensive mechanism that came across wrong.

 

 

I for one don't want to work out with my spouse. I don't want to be in a position where I look physically weak / out of breathe / etc and she sees it.

 

 

Again, there was NOTHING that could have convinced me to work out when I had gained weight, especially from my wife. It wasn't that I didn't want to. It was that I felt I had no time.

 

 

Is there a way you can make friend chicken tenders healthy? (i.e. better oil, lean meat, lightly breaded?) And mashed potatoes aren't inherently unhealthy. It's usually the large amounts of butter and / or gravy slathered all over them that does it. Course, too much of anything is bad.

 

 

You know what's really healthy? chili--if you use lean meat and don't put cheese and sour cream or crackers with it. It's essentially 70% veggies. Why do I bring that up? Because there are several other things just like it that you can use that don't feel like health food. Like tacos, if you go easy on the lean meat and cheese. Most of the home-cooked food we eat is unhealthy not because of the ingredients but because of the proportions.

 

 

Another suggestions for you... You could make a deal with him. If he eats only scrambled eggs for breakfast, (homemade chicken salad for lunch and you cook what he wants for dinner and he'll eat as much of it as he wants. (then you put it on small plates, and even though he can keep getting seconds, it feels like he is eating more than he really is).

 

 

Don't know if any of that really helped, but I hope it might.

[TaraMaiden2]

Thanks for the tip...What I found to work with my exW was team stuff and making it fun, like a hike at the beach rather than going to the gym. It worked better for me too. .....I get my older friends out walking just by stuff like, hey, let's walk down to the beach .....

 

Yes, carhill we know, and it shows. You're gorgeous.

see what a little effort can achieve, guys?

 

 

The older a person gets, the harder it is to keep fit.

The other problem is that days of youth and decadence begin to catch up.

The harmless habits we enjoyed when young ("one more slice/drink won't hurt") begin to take their toll.

Our bodies keep such surprises in reserve for days we can be caught off-guard....

 

That said, young keep-fit fanatics might pay for their diligence later on, with worn cartilages, muscle fatigue joint problems and other unforeseen consequences of honing the body-beautiful.

 

Sometimes, you just can't win....

[oldshirt]

This is all very true. But if the roles were reversed and a man said this about a woman... I think it would start WWIII.. haha

 

I don't care. It applies to women just as much.

 

There is no excuse for putting on 50-100+ lbs.

 

No one should ever be obligated to have sex with someone they find repugnant.

 

If someone wants to have a sex life with their spouse, it is on them to be sexually attractive to their spouse.

 

We live in a world of choices and options. He can choose to be fit and healthy and have a marital sex life, or he can choose to sit on the couch with a bag of Cheetos. If he wants a sex life and also wants to be a lazy fat blob, he can find a fat chick that is into fat guys.

 

She can choose whether she wants to have some fat guy flopping on her or some hot, buff dude from the gym.

 

Either way no one should ever be obligated to be intimate with someone they find gross. If he wants to have sex with her, it is on him to be desirable to her.

[BettyDraper]

Thanks for the tip and I hope the OP checks into that. At my age, I'm noting some of what you relate and, though my sugars are in the normal range, they are at the high end of it so it's worth a look. In general, working medical potentials would be where I'd start with this. Rule out/in organic then focus on psychological.

 

What I found to work with my exW was team stuff and making it fun, like a hike at the beach rather than going to the gym. It worked better for me too. We got into the routine of walking a couple miles 3 or 4 days a week in the morning before she went to work. Did it magically take off weight? Nah, not much but it felt good and created a positive outlook on exercise and health.

 

Since we're all getting older and I'm the youngest in the group I get my older friends out walking just by stuff like, hey, let's walk down to the beach or walk the neighborhood and check out the cool houses or xxxx. Once we get moving things take off. Small steps.

 

Anyway, thanks for the tip. I'll check it out.

 

I agree with this. My doctor sent me to have bloodwork done in order to make sure that I wasn't prediabetic or struggling with an underactive thyroid. He also wanted to check my cholesterol levels as well as other issues. Establishing a baseline is essential when someone wants to lose weight.

 

I love the suggestion about making exercise fun. I tried a running program the first month I wanted to be active. I gave up after a month because the pain in my legs was unbearable. It turned out that my leg muscles weren't strong enough for running. I should have started with walking first.

[oldshirt]

Snowbunni my advice is simple and straight forward. Don't do what you don't want.

 

If he repulses you, you are under no obligation to indulge him.

 

When he whines and begs, be upfront, honest and dispassionate as to why.

 

Maybe after 6 months of involuntary celibacy he'll decide that chicken breasts and fresh vega tables aren't that bad and that he can live without Big Macs.

 

Or maybe he'll choose the Big Macs and will find some fat gal that is ok with it.

 

And at some point you can consider the offers of the buff guys at the gym on their own merits.

 

Everything in life is a choice.

 

There is no reason to get down with a fat guy if you don't want. It's on him if he wants to be attractive to you or not.

[Liam1]

Thanks for the tip and I hope the OP checks into that. At my age, I'm noting some of what you relate and, though my sugars are in the normal range, they are at the high end of it so it's worth a look.

 

Carhill:

 

I am glad the post helped you. I do hope it helps the OP, too.

 

Yes, with insulin resistance (metabolic syndrome) initially the blood sugars are normal. That changes over time because the resistance of the cells continues to increase over time. As long as the pancreas is able to produce enough insulin to overcome this resistance, blood glucose levels remain normal. When the pancreas can no longer produce enough insulin, the blood glucose levels begin to rise. Initially, this happens after meals.

 

It can be difficult to find a GP who will prescribe metformin while sugars are normal.

 

An endocrinologist or an Anti-aging doctor would be a better choice to address and identify this issue and to treat it. These specialists are more aware of insulin resistance.

 

The metformin will also likely reduce your desire for sugary treats and carbs and that alone will often help someone drop pounds.

[Mr. Lucky]

I for one don't want to work out with my spouse. I don't want to be in a position where I look physically weak / out of breathe / etc and she sees it.

 

Agree with the nutritional advice but don't understand the reasoning behind this. Do you really think you're hiding anything from someone who sees you naked and who might watch you labor to climb stairs or play ball with the kids? We'd all be better off dropping the illusions and facing our problems head on.

 

Since exercise begats more exercise, I'd offer that working out with your spouse would have benefits for both of you. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TrustedthenBusted]

I talked to him. I said in the nicest way possible that we should start exercising together and that I would come up with a whole bunch of yummy healthy meals and that he could pick out any one of those meals for me to make for him every night.

 

 

He literally laughed in my face and said that unless I make fried chicken tenders and mashed potatoes he would have to go to fast food places late at night. He also said no to exercise

 

Sorry to hear that. I've been on the ass end of that conversation myself, when I gained a few pounds, and it wasn't easy to hear.

 

I'm sure my response was equally dismissive at the time, but the message sunk in, and I felt bad. Eventually I got on the horse MYSELF, and dropped those pounds.

 

Maybe he is like me, and it has to be HIS idea to lose the weight. But your "Inception" move may have kickstarted it.

 

Or....try the Thailand thing.

[stilltrying16]

This is very long- apologies in advance. Read only if you want advice on how to help him lose weight- with a goal of reviving sexual attraction/staying together.

 

You've said you WANT to stay with him. Again, I will not judge you (and it

sounds like very few posters here will) if you break it off because he's too fat for you. I'm offering more advice below based on your earlier comment that you want to make this relationship work. And you want to help him lose weight.

 

I agree his laughing at you about the food could be a defense mechanism. It's a classic response when someone is in denial. It's open to interpretation, as a few posts here have pointed out. It did not come from contempt of you or what you value. Because if he openly and defiantly wants to speak up for his right to be fat, he would follow that talk up with a lecture on fat-phobia, etc etc. He didn't. His laugh could be motivated by any of the following:

 

--deflection into humor of a subject that is awkward to him.

--denial

--embarrassment and then bluster to cover up the denial.

 

What his laughing ALSO shows me is that he has no clue how much the fat is bothering you. You've probably told him and he hasn't registered it or he's minimized it. If your goal is to stay in the marriage, and you choose a rewards-punishment approach, then you need to make sure he knows the fat will eventually lead to sexlessness- possibly a breakup. I'm not sure he knows that.

 

As I said earlier, I am not a fan of the rewards-punishment approach- or of turning one partner into the monitor, nanny, mommy, jailer etc of the other. Eventually that kind of relationship leads to resentment or ridiculous dependency.

 

You have to decide whether you want to

a) police him

b) detach from him and let the R evolve into a roommate marriage

c) break up with him

d) support him. Or at least don't destroy his self esteem further or shame him (he's doing enough of that himself).

 

My option would be either c or d, and I would choose between those two based on what I think is worth saving in the marriage.

 

So here's some more advice if your choice is d: supporting him

 

1. Continue talking to him. But don't talk about just the weight. Share your day with him. Ask him about his...just listen to him and talk to him as if the words "you're fat, you're fat, you're fat" are NOT constantly playing in your mind. Treat him like the man you love. That means curiosity, empathy, care, affection. Talk to him as you would talk to a non-fat person. These things will build emotional intimacy which is a prerequisite for you to give him the support you can give him, which is option d. Don't let your communication with him be just about fat.

 

From a few things you posted I gathered you don't have a lot of communication or emotional intimacy. I hope I'm wrong about that. But even if I am and your foundations are strong, continue to build on them.

 

2. Don't ask him to take on too many changes at once. It's overwhelming. It's like asking someone to quit cigarettes, give up social media, and bang their heads 20 times against the wall- everyday all day starting right now. if food issues were easy to fight everyone would be A-OK all the time. There's enough fat-shaming in this culture that hardly anyone would choose being fat if there were a reasonably easy and quick way out. There isn't. So don't overwhelm him with demanding too many changes.

 

3. Present those changes in positive as opposed to negative terms. So it shouldn't be "no more junk food from now to eternity." It should be "salad at every meal." We are creatures of habit. Eventually salad will become irresitible to him.

 

4. Nothing succeeds like success when it comes to fat loss. If he sees two pounds off on the scale he'll be ready to try more. It's the greatest motivator. So instituting one small change at a time, with each producing a visible result, is the way to go. Eventually he'll turn a corner and at that stage he could take on multiple things at work- gym, low-carb food, whatever.

 

5. Try to show him it's doable- especially for men. Men do lose weight a lot more easily if they try.

 

 

6. Is there anything in life that you want but that you aren't able to get easily because of your own self-imposed limitations? Or is there any addiction from which you want to free yourself? If so, make a pact with him: you'll do x if he'll do y. You'll swap notes. That way you are not Miss Perfect tapping your toe telling him to shape up or else. You're a fellow-struggler. He'll be much more likely to take in what you're saying and to help you.

 

7. Join the same gym, go when he goes, but don't necessarily share a workout (as someone said, that can be humiliating for someone feeling self conscious). Swap notes afterwards.

 

8. Look into small-group personal training for him if you can afford it. Those guys are wonderful- they know how to work with all sorts of people in all sorts of shapes.

 

9. Get a dog or three. Walk the dog(s) together every day.

 

10. Introduce small changes into your diet. Does he do any cooking? Is it all on you? If it's just you, introduce a salad every meal, and find delicious and flavorfull healthy foods. Try new favors.

 

Hope some of this works.

Edited May 24, 2016 by stilltrying16

[NTV]

Agree with the nutritional advice but don't understand the reasoning behind this. Do you really think you're hiding anything from someone who sees you naked and who might watch you labor to climb stairs or play ball with the kids? We'd all be better off dropping the illusions and facing our problems head on.

 

Since exercise begats more exercise, I'd offer that working out with your spouse would have benefits for both of you. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Eh, I was describing the feeling of not wanting to and why I had the feeling. I didn't say the emotion was based in logical fact.

 

 

Also, without knowing my wife, you have no idea just how much she longs for the opportunity to apply judgment and how long she would hold onto that opportunity if presented itself. So it goes into the cost/benefit analysis of whether it's worth it or not, and comes out the other side with a negative... so, yeah, still not gonna do it.

 

 

Plus, I want sexual exercise therapy. Why jog when you can...? lol

[xxoo]

 

Plus, I want sexual exercise therapy. Why jog when you can...? lol

 

I'd say that's one place you REALLY don't want to look weak and out of breath! Work out so that you can impress in the sack. Work out so that sex isn't a workout.

[NTV]

I'd say that's one place you REALLY don't want to look weak and out of breath! Work out so that you can impress in the sack. Work out so that sex isn't a workout.

 

Trying to divert my energies from pursuit of sexual exercise therapy to the lesser forms of exercise is not going to work.

 

 

But sorry for side-tracking the convo there. Hopefully what I said earlier helps snowbunni!