He won't stop contacting another woman

[LouiseJJ]

Hello all I would really appreciate some advice. I have been in a relationship with my man for 2 years. Around a year ago he met a woman on a job, and I found out he was texting her constantly and on the phone for hours at a time for around a month. I'm not proud of it, but I went through his phone He said he wouldn't contact her again, and I decided to let it go. Our relationship is not perfect but we love each other. Over the past few months he has said that he doesn't find me as physically attractive, so I have joined a gym and I'm working on it, he is really supportive makes me healthy meals, we go out riding together, walks etc but our sex life has been non existant, I have tried! He is just not interested I initiate and he just nicely declines! I am losing weight and I'm feeling great so much better in myself. I have noticed the affection is not the same, not as many hugs, cuddles and hand holding. I just knew he was getting more distant by the day. I have found out he is back texting and talking to the woman he promised never to speak again. This time he met up with her, she asked him round to do some plumbing work.

 

I have confronted him and he just says he built the whole thing up in his head and when they met there was no connection, as it's with me! So had there been some sort of connection I would probably be single now! I just feel so betrayed and I think the relationship is over, the signs are there. Is he just waiting for me to be slim again, or is it just an excuse to have me around until he meets someone else. We have no sex life, we are just pretty much friends at the moment! I could do with some advice please, what would you do?

[Conviction]

If it were me? Simple. I'd tell him to make a choice, and make it fast. Either cease contact with the other woman, or I leave.

[Satu]

Sorry that you're hurting.

 

Your whole posture towards him says "I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you. I'm going to try and try and try to be good enough for you."

 

This is your posture towards a man who was so interested in another woman, that he met up with her behind your back?

 

Leaving the privacy issue aside for a moment, he has been having an emotional affair with another woman, and was quite comfortable with concealing it from you. God knows what else he's been up to.

 

Stop the "I'm not good enough" stuff right now, and realise that *he* is the problem.

 

 

 

 

Take care.

Edited May 23, 2016 by Satu

[elaine567]

You could be the hottest woman on the planet and he would still not want you, as he is interested in another.

Do not stay around any longer, all you are doing is hurting yourself.

He has checked out of your relationship, time for you to say Adiós.

[Satu]

Yes, he is actively pursuing somebody else, and that means that its time to cut the cord.

 

It's all pain and upset from here onwards.

[stilltrying16]

He didn't have the decency to be honest with you. You deserve someone better. Please don't settle for this behavior. Doing all this crap behind your back should make you very mad.

 

Thank goodness you aren't married to him.

 

I strongly suggest a separation for now- you can make it temporary or permanent. You'll know once you've had a chance to come out of the shock and reconnect yourself. Surround yourself with those who value you, discover how strong you are, and heal. You deserve to be cherished and loved and you will find someone who'll do just that.

 

Do you know what the 180 or NC is?

[LouiseJJ]

Thank you for the advice. We have just had a huge row as a text message from the woman in question appeared on his phone, asking how he was and if he had a romantic weekend with a :-( and another message saying is it OK to call you later!! He told me it was nothing and I said I can't tell him who he can and who I can't talk to, it was unfair. I said you basically can't expect your girlfriend to be fine about everything, I should come first. He won't stop messaging her! I walked out and you are right I need to respect myself more. I'm building myself into something he wants, he is so not what I'm wanting right now. Yes I have heard of the NC rule, I think I need to step away from the situation to see it as it is. You have opened my eyes already with your comments, thank you.

[snowbunni]

Louise: Are you prepared to deal with the fact that he will probably have sex with her now? Maybe even tonight?

[PegNosePete]

This time he met up with her, she asked him round to do some plumbing work.

Sorry to make light of this stressful situation but that sounds like the plot of a cheap porno. Come on, you need to wake up and smell the coffee. He quite obviously went round for more than "some plumbing work".

 

I have confronted him and he just says he built the whole thing up in his head and when they met there was no connection

Alternatively he is a lying cheater, they had a good time together and he decided he was going to cheat on you instead of breaking up.

 

I just feel so betrayed and I think the relationship is over, the signs are there.

Yes, sorry to say I am inclined to agree with you. The relationship is as dead as a dodo. He has no respect for you or your relationship and no intention of returning to you even if you turned into Megan Fox. And if you did, would you really want such a shallow guy, that dumps you at the drop of a hat for the latest new model? He has moved on already, or is looking for his next girlfriend, but he doesn't want to let go of you for whatever reason. What would I do? I would tell him to get out and never come back.

[chapter44]

I am a man who has been cheated on in the past. I can tell you that your first mistake is to compare yourself to someone else or find fault in your appearance. This issue is 100% on him. He is choosing to continue talking to her even though you expressed your concerns but yet isn't honest enough to say "I'd like to see where this goes, if it works out I'll break up with you. In the meantime I'd like to have my cake and eat it too." Even if he doesn't leave you for her there will be someone else down the road.

 

Love only goes so far. Love yourself and never allow this type of behavior from someone who proclaims to care about you.

 

I do feel for you and hope that you seriously consider the advice from the people who took the time to reply.

[bathtub-row]

You need to stop fighting with him about this and just make a decision. Men typically won't end a relationship, they'll just keep pushing the woman until she's had enough. Whenever you confront someone about their behavior, don't assume they're telling you the truth. He met with her and there was no connection? Really? You actually bought that? My first thought would be that he met with someone behind my back, and now he's feeding me a line of bull. That's all I would need to know to walk away. However, rejecting me for sex or "politely turning me down" over a period of time would've been the dealbreaker for me.

 

This relationship is only two years old and he's already looking for someone new. This is a major problem. Walk away before he cheats on you, or you find out that he already has. If that happens, it will break your heart like nothing else. You don't want to go through that, trust me.

 

And, btw, his activities behind your back is something you'll never forget and you'll never fully trust him again. Nor should you. Do you really want to keep fighting for this relationship?

[Phoenician]

What is this taboo about being slim !

this is ridiculous , ppl love each other not because they are fit or perfect , they are compatible , they care , they adore each other to an extent that the smell of their feet doesn't matter anymore.

 

The guy is a jerk , get slim for yourself because you want to.

 

You will never be confident with such a guy ; what will happen if he broke a leg and get fat ! or is he untouchable ?

 

forget about him ; he is selfish .

 

geez, I have never ever let down initiation of my partner ; throw the towel baby , you desreve a better person who would admire every curve you have .

[Phoenician]

You need to stop fighting with him about this and just make a decision. Men typically won't end a relationship, they'll just keep pushing the woman until she's had enough. Whenever you confront someone about their behavior, don't assume they're telling you the truth. He met with her and there was no connection? Really? You actually bought that? My first thought would be that he met with someone behind my back, and now he's feeding me a line of bull. That's all I would need to know to walk away. However, rejecting me for sex or "politely turning me down" over a period of time would've been the dealbreaker for me.

 

This relationship is only two years old and he's already looking for someone new. This is a major problem. Walk away before he cheats on you, or you find out that he already has. If that happens, it will break your heart like nothing else. You don't want to go through that, trust me.

 

And, btw, his activities behind your back is something you'll never forget and you'll never fully trust him again. Nor should you. Do you really want to keep fighting for this relationship?

 

 

fight for what !

 

for a cheater who looks at her and wish she was slimmer !

 

not worth it .

 

he is TOxic .

 

just leave .

[Emilia]

I think it's almost always a mistake to pander to someone's perceived tastes when that person has lost interest in you. I know it's painful but you know after all these years on Loveshack, I can't recall a single instance where someone posted about getting a healthy sex life back once they've gone off someone.

 

I think partly because sexual attraction is actually quite complicated, it isn't about just looks.

[Phoenician]

When I became an adult , I never lost interest in my partner because her shape is different ; of course I try to throw positive triggers .

 

I loose my desires everytime i get reassurance that my wife never try to do anything that makes me happy if it is at the expense of her comfort l ;

 

because she never give unless she guarantee that she can take ,

 

she becomes the most unatractive woman when she ignores my emotions or desires , not because she gained some weight .

 

I feel bad for OP , because her partner is selfish .

[Lois_Griffin]

OP, what is so wrong with you that you're willing to swallow all your dignity and pride and literally jump around like a trained seal, desperate to please some lying, cheating loser who has absolutely NO respect or regard for you as a human being?

 

What's next, surgery? Giving him money? Begging on your hands and knees?

 

Seriously. Find your pride.

 

One day you're going to look back at how desperate you were acting, begging this POS for crumbs and you're going to be humiliated beyond compare.

 

Just stop it.

[smackie9]

When they are having an emotional affair, they have already left the relationship regardless of them sleeping in bed next to you.

[PegNosePete]

Emotional affair + real life meeting = physical affair.

 

I guarantee it. Every time.

[Jason09]

"I have found out he is back texting and talking to the woman he promised never to speak again. This time he met up with her, she asked him round to do some plumbing work."

 

Its clear whats going on with him. Whether he's sleeping with her if that is what you are thinking, that's debatable. Honestly. I think the bigger thing is why is he going back and forth. Im going to take a different approach from others here and offer at least something to think about, and I could be wrong. But it could just be surrounding stress. Like stress of life. Stress of relationship. Does not mean you are not just as attractive as before or anything, but stress can cause guys to do funny things they never would before. As sort of an escape. Thats why I mean he may never really let it get to far, cause its just an escape in a way. Maybe hes not really showing how stressed he is, and maybe he doesn't know himself. That can happen too, Im a guy and I deal with lots of stress. It'll kill you and make you do funny things. Just a thought

[S2B]

This decision is yours - and quite frankly it should be an easy decision to make.

 

He's not worth thinking about. You deserve better!

[LouiseJJ]

I really appreciate this point of view Jason, as he has been stressed recently, worrying about not enough work and also his dad has recently being diagnosed with cancer. I'm in a really difficult position because on one had I feel betrayed and the trust has gone, the other it has been innocent another person to talk to! The thing is I thought I should be the one he talks to, not someone else! He is now staying with his best friend as I said I needed the time and space to think. I really appreciate you all taking the time to comment. I do feel that I need to concentrate on me, rather than trying to be a person he wants!

 

 

 

"I have found out he is back texting and talking to the woman he promised never to speak again. This time he met up with her, she asked him round to do some plumbing work."

 

Its clear whats going on with him. Whether he's sleeping with her if that is what you are thinking, that's debatable. Honestly. I think the bigger thing is why is he going back and forth. Im going to take a different approach from others here and offer at least something to think about, and I could be wrong. But it could just be surrounding stress. Like stress of life. Stress of relationship. Does not mean you are not just as attractive as before or anything, but stress can cause guys to do funny things they never would before. As sort of an escape. Thats why I mean he may never really let it get to far, cause its just an escape in a way. Maybe hes not really showing how stressed he is, and maybe he doesn't know himself. That can happen too, Im a guy and I deal with lots of stress. It'll kill you and make you do funny things. Just a thought

[toastytiger]

Wow, I feel you. Recently went through a very similar situation that ended with him breaking up with me and dating her. An emotional affair is a painful form of betrayal. And it's not any easier when they are confused and stringing you along.

I also relate to wanting to change for them. Not worth it.

 

But you and I know deep down that we don't deserve this kind of disrespect. It's a huge lesson to learn. One that pushes us to respect ourselves and not settle for that kind of crap in relationship