Don't like my marriage, but my husband wants to stay...

[Isabelle]

OK, I'll try to make a long story short. I'm in a marriage that I don't like. This has been the major relationship of my life... has gone on for 10 years and we have been married 6 of them... but it was never great. There was friendship and cuddling and great sexual chemistry, but little romance or passion. He always thought he was doing "enough" and never cared to try to make me feel special. I worked hard at the beginning but it never seemed to matter. Yet he never liked the idea of breaking up. Was young and codependent, got married because I felt like all the opportunities I might have had were gone and this was probably my best shot. Realized later that I was just insecure and I could have had a great life, and other guys, and all that. Wished I wasn't married, but tried to come back and make it work, since we had vows and all that. I don't want to commit a sin.

 

One of the problems has been that he doesn't always support himself. In 2002, I got a job in another town, he agreed to move with me, and then he didn't work for two years straight. He didn't even keep the house very clean. Between this and just general inconsiderate behavior, a lot of emotional distance grew between us and I almost left. He got a job (has actually been up to full-time hours lately, though he doesn't want to be) and I felt like I had no excuse to leave. But still, there's nothing in there for me except the fact that I'm supposed to be there. I have always been honest with him about my feelings and have given him years to work on things. I spend less and less time with him, usually only going home to sleep. We always kept up the sexual relationship, but there was just nothing else special about it. I felt like he was ignoring me except when he wanted sex. That's no fun.

 

This spring (with a lot of other changes happening in my life, also just turned 30, good time to decide where I'm headed and turn around anything that needs to be turned around), I came close to cheating. I've had crushes of sorts on lots of guys throughout this whole relationship... found myself emotionally attaching to them but keeping it all in my head, and accepting that, and trying to work on things with my husband. Well, this one was different. I didn't find him attractive at first, though I could tell he probably found me attractive. We were in a position where we could see each other & talk a lot, and gravitated closer to each other. I realized we had a lot in common and appreciated his support. Finally, I told him about how I didn't like my marriage and didn't feel like there was any hope, though I wanted to do the right thing. He wanted to give me emotional comfort, which led to physical comfort. He started the physical stuff... I didn't stop it, but kept it from going past a certain point. It was emotionally hard for both of us. We shared a lot of emotional stuff and were both kind of thinking like single people starting a relationship... except one of us wasn't single. He was afraid he couldn't be useful in terms of giving me advice, since he was not objective anymore and was too attracted to me and had been doing things with me (not sleeping together or anything). We didn't want to be messing around with one of us officially married. I thought we could just cool down or limit the physical stuff and be friends while I decided what to do about the marriage. I think it was too much for the OM to take - and it is a hard position to put him in - so he backed away entirely. I miss him so much and just wish we could have met or gotten to know each other under different circumstances. We could have been good for each other, even if we are both equally crazy and desperate. But I don't want to introduce temptation into his life. It's just not fair.

 

A lot of women who find themselves in emotional affairs, etc., love their husband and want to work things out. I was already past that point before that even started. If my husband walked away for no reason, right now, and wanted out, I would be happy and gladly help him pack. I never thought of myself as a cruel and heartless person.. usually I'm empathetic... but who knows. I'm tired of feeling stuck and watching what could have been my life go by. We don't have kids. Our finances are separate. I want to do the morally right thing, but maybe in this case it's right to correct a mistake.

 

The only reason I'm still there is for his sake. Two days ago, when I mentioned that I might move out by the end of the summer, for some reason it actually hit him this time. He always tells me that he wants me to stay and loves me, etc., but this time he actually realized that I wasn't making an empty threat. He always says, "tell me what to do to make things better". I tell him the usual: be romantic, be passionate, know what you want and make it happen, share your feelings and thoughts, communicate, etc. He thinks he was doing all that as much as he ever needed to.

 

I feel guilty treating a guy this way. But I always thought relationships didn't have to be this way; now I know. I have seen that there are guys out there who are intense, caring, communicative, committed to spiritual growth... and I guess I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with one who thinks he is but doesn't ever do anything to prove it. I may have to, out of obligation. I am not having kids with him. Unfortunately, he doesn't really have any friends left other than me. I would say he'd been hit with depression or something, but he's always been kind of like this. He's still desperately attached to me. So I guess I should stay? So he can cling to me and otherwise take me for granted? Why can't I just drop him off at his mother's?

 

Any advice? (while I wait for the counselor to get back in touch with me) I just feel that I have so much I could offer someone and the one I'm with doesn't appreciate it. On the other hand, he thinks I'm just never satisfied. Sigh.

[ollydolly]

Wow Isabelle, I hear you.

 

It sounds like a few things: forgive me if I'm wrong.

 

You have never had a passionate, intense emotional connection with this man - and have lost respect for him because he doesn't value or understand what it is you are missing.

 

You have deep integrity but are afraid of making a morally disaterous choice by leaving him.

 

You said this;

 

I never thought of myself as a cruel and heartless person.. usually I'm empathetic... but who knows. I'm tired of feeling stuck and watching what could have been my life go by. We don't have kids. Our finances are separate. I want to do the morally right thing, but maybe in this case it's right to correct a mistake.

 

You feel that life with him would be an enslavement... or at least a sacrifice, if you prefer that word.

 

Now ask yourself if it is truly "right" for your life to be a sacrifice to another's life?

 

To have your passion matched in the form of a romantic mate is a valuable thing for you.

There are men that desire that from a woman too - and not all women have it to offer.

 

If you let go of those values in yourself for someone who you end up thinking is not WORTH the sacrifice - you will be destroying a part of yourself. Is that not immoral?

[jmargel]

You two never considered marriage counseling? That would be your first step. You two have communication problems just like most people. Letting a third person in on the marriage just complicates things 10 times.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Isabelle-

 

I could have written your post two years ago (except for the non working husband part- mine worked) I was married for over 10 years. The last three years were extremely bad. I had alot of emotional upheaval in my life and we had financial problems. My closest relative died. My marriage wasn't a happy one. For me, the catalyst was when my grandmother died. I had a dysfunctional childhood and my mother was a narcassist. My grandmother was the only person in my life ever- including my husband- who put me first. When she died, I had sort of a breakdown. It was like, "I have a beautiful new home, two great kids, a good job- but I don't have a relationship with my husband". To me, if you don't have that bond with your spouse, you're not living.

 

I made a mistake and I cheated. But only after years of asking for counseling and him promising to change. He never thought he had a problem, it was my problem and he didn't need counseling. He only woke up when I started packing, for real. Then he wanted to do anything he could. I couldn't do anymore. I was empty inside, I had given all I could to this man, this marriage and gotten so little in return. I didn't get caught, and I didn't leave my husband for the other man. It was just a fling that happened twice.

 

When I left, he begged and cried for three weeks. It was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. I loved this man because he's the father of my children, but things could not be mended at this time, he'd neglected me for too long. Moving out on my own and getting divorced was the hardest thing I've ever done. We'd been together over 17 years, dating and marriage. His family was the only family I'd ever had. Everyone in my circle of friends except for one turned their back on me. His family refused to speak to me. I live in a fairly small town where my ex in laws are prominent. I couldn't even run to the drugstore without running into someone who knew me and were probably talking about me. They put me through the wringer. They found out about the affair. It's a long huge drawn out story, but parts of what went on got printed in the local paper. It was like wearing the Scarlet A.

 

Jmargel is right that a third party never helps things. If I had to do it all over again I would have just left first. I had all of the issues that you had, guilt and such. I got to the point where it was either leave or be in a mental institution because I was so depressed. I was crying everyday.

 

It's been hard, but since I left I've been happier than I've ever been. I don't have much money and I live in a small apt with only two bedrooms. We split custody of the kids and it's a weekly drama cycle. Good thing you don't have kids. Yes, I hurt him- but in the end- he deserves to be with someone who loves him like he wants to be loved. He couldn't see that and still doesn't, but he will one day and probably thank me. I can't believe he was happy in the marriage, because he never stayed home!

 

You get one life honey- that's it. It's not a dress rehearsal. It's hard, but it's worth it. I've met a wonderful man, who adores me and we're about to be married. I pinch myself everyday that I've been this lucky. You can be this lucky too. Do it the honorable way though hon, if you think marriage counseling will help do it- just so that you can say you gave it your all. If not, then get out as quickly and painlessly as you can. Don't be cruel, but be firm. Then set about figuring out how you want to live the rest of your life. Don't base your decision on the third party though, only on how you feel. If you do it for him, and it doesn't work out, you may be miserable.

[New_Wife]

First off, may I compliment you on your childless state. So many folks think that bringing a baby into a situation will "fix" it, when in fact it just makes it harder & ends up hurting the kids as they grow up in a really broken situation. Good for you for avoiding that pitfall.

 

The unemployed-unwilling spouse thing can be huge. I've had that happen to me, and I felt like I was more his mother than his wife. I cooked, cleaned, worked, etc. The only non-maternal thing was sex and after awhile I had a heck of a time cooperating with that endeavor because I felt, like I said, like a second mother.

 

It sounds like that's how you feel too. Your comment about dropping him off at his mother's was huge deja vu for me.

 

If you know in your heart that you do not love this man anymore - I think it's less cruel to both of you to end it. Unless he is an invalid that you personally caused the demise of - you are not under an obligation to be his eternal caretaker at the expense of your own life. And yes, marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, but it is not a huge servitute brand on your rump - and there really should be some "better" in there somewhere to keep the deal alive.

 

If you do decide to work it out - counseling, counseling, counseling. Oh, and then some counseling.

[SunnySG]

am living your life right now.

Last night I came clean and told my husband that I was having thoughts and fantasies about another man.

 

I feel that for the past 2 years of our relationship I have been married for everyone else but ME.

I can't stand the crying, so I avoid the confrontation. Last night, but husband was shaking and crying, and got a nose bleed because of the devastation I created.

I ask myself - Is this REALLY what I want?

Am I married because I don't want to be "branded" as a divorcee?

Do I really TRULY TRULY love my husband or do I love what he is going to be (a surgeon)?

Do I give HIM what HE needs?

Do I allow him to love us enough for both of us?

Why do I feel lifeless (at 27) with just him? Everyone else makes me happy (except my parents).

Why do I crave this other person?

Am I making a HUGE mistake by wanting a seperation?

 

My life is a series of "WHAT IF'S" and I can't break the cycle. It's getting worse and worse.

 

In my post (in the Infedelity threads) I mention that my husband - even after our 3/4 hour discussion - still won't join my for counseling. And do you know what? I was glad.

Am I looking for a way out? Am I self-destructing this marriage? He stormed out last night and I cried for oh - about 5 minutes. Then I gave the dog a bath and hung some clothes out on the line. I secretly was like, "Oh Crap" when he came home. Then he said "I love you" when we're lying in bed and because I didn't want to hear him crying again, I said it back. But I whispered it and I don't think I meant it.

 

This is no life. This is a horrible horrible drama , and as my husband said last night "This sort of f**ked up s**t only happens in movies."

 

He also said "We're only given one life. Some people live the life they have and are happy while others think about the life they WISH they had. Those are the people who ususally end up f**king up the life they're leading."

 

Well, that seems to be me.

[Isabelle]

Thanks for all of your support and advice. I'm looking for a counselor right now. It would really be mostly to get a professional opinion and make sure I'm doing the right thing - and to get him some help. I have no desire to save the marriage. Maybe I should, but I don't. It's just not a situation that's fair to me, and it's never going to be. I just wish I could move on out before I get any older and waste any more time. The third party - while I have deep feelings for him, we're not seeing each other right now and I'm afraid my chances of ever making anything good out of that relationship are similar to my chances of getting hit by a stray asteroid. The OM wasn't the patient guy he said he was, and didn't seem to realize that it takes time to change these things. Still, if/when we run into each other at the end of the summer (we're in an academic setting), I'd like to be able to say I made a choice one way or the other. That either I'm officially separated and on the way out of the marriage, or things were going to work after all. I can't see the marriage working for both of us at this point. My husband is still convinced that he can make me happy. He takes very few actual steps toward it, though.

 

The counselors would have to see my husband to believe him. He just thinks he's always right. He thinks he understands me. (the nerve) He thinks he's doing the best he can. Now, I believe a relationship lives or dies based on the attitudes of the participants and not just whether they follow certain mechanical steps to do things for each other. I don't think just saying, "do this, do that" is going to fix it. But even the little things he could do... he doesn't do. Maybe once in a while when he thinks he's really in trouble. For example, he could go to bed earlier than 4 in the morning. He knows I would appreciate that. Doesn't happen, though. When he thinks he's really in trouble, maybe it's like 3:30 in the morning instead. You know, I can't believe I let someone try to appease me with such a pathetic effort.

 

I try to treat him like I would want to be treated. Doesn't seem to work in this case... he's happy enough, but it never comes back to him doing stuff for me. He says "I love you" a lot. (The other two things he says are "you look magnificent" or "it's nice being with you." Like a broken record. Those sound like nice things, but there's very little other sharing and communication, and he doesn't even seem to feel bad when something emotionally hurts me. He doesn't take it seriously.) Usually I say "I love you" to keep the peace, but let him know that I only love him like you would a family member. I was just thinking what an arrogant prick he was today as he left for work. When he gets upset, he gets the hurt puppy dog look and starts into the hurt puppy dog behavior. (familiar to anyone?) Big baby. To think I gave so much energy and time and years of my life to him, not to mention financial support and emotional support (which seems lost on him).

 

Anyway, if I'm being unfair to him, please let me know. I don't usually get mad. I'm really emotionally over him... the heartbreak I feel is more over the other guy, knowing that those chances are gone. But there wasn't really any way for us to win. You don't want to say you left your husband for another man. I'm OK being entirely on my own... just want to make sure my husband isn't right and I'm not supposed to be happy like that.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Sunny-

 

From where I'm sitting unless your husband wants to go to counseling then the marriage is over. What you need to say is this is a deal breaker for you- either do this or I'm gone.

 

I feel for both of you as I have been there. Boy, it was awful........the divorce was more awful actually but now that it's over I'm finally happy with my life.