Words From a Dumper

[DontBreakEven]

So,

 

All my life I have been the perpetual dumpee. I get it. We're talking 2 broken engagements-type of dumpee. I REALLY get it. What you all are going through, that is.

 

What I never understood until now is the other side of things.

 

I just ended a 6-month-long relationship, and I wanted to come here to share my thoughts and feelings on this.

 

First off, it's really hard. It's actually NOT easy being a dumper. You basically HAVE to be d*ck in order to get your point across. Anything less than d*ckishness is not understood by the person being dumped, and it's just more and more excruciating. The whole thing is excruciating. It really is. At one point the dumper loved you immensely. The dumper still cares so much about you, and your well being. A part of the dumper even still really really wants you (well ... parts of you). The dumper does think about you often. This I promise. They do miss you. They miss how it was when it was amazing, too. They will never forget that, and you have made an impression on their lives, promise. Unfortunately, like all things in life, things change.

 

But I will tell you, that if you've been dumped, the best thing that you can do is let go. Let. Go. The person who dumped you just wasn't sure enough about you. They just weren't. And honestly, you probably saw many signs. Signs that you were not paying attention to, because sometimes, when you're so deep in love you just assume the other person will always be there, no matter how many arguments, no matter how much incompatibility is glaring through. But the dumper DID give you signs, if you look for them, that something was going downhill. And I'm not telling this to you for you to try and change your ways and call them up and let them know. By the time you've been dumped, they have thought long and hard about this, and they are no longer invested. The relationship that you knew is already gone for them.

 

IF what you feel that you need is revenge, or some sort of pride and power, honestly the best thing to do is tell your dumper you want nothing to do with them, and go live your life. Move on from them. I'm not saying to do this as a way to try and get them back, because honestly it probably won't work, but it will give them a twinge of second-guessing, if anything. That I do promise. Radio silence and honestly move on. Not bs NC while secretly pining away for them. Just really try and move on from this person who didn't see you as important enough or good enough to be with them forever. And while you are setting about to do this, I'm sure you really will move on. Fake it till you make it, if need be. But don't give your dumper another second or minute of your time. Truly, it's wasted time.

 

Your being dumped ... don't even take it personally. You never know WHY someone has decided that you're not it for them. It might even be an issue with the dumper themseleves. My point is, don't even worry. Just do you. You WILL come out alive. You WILL learn and grow from this. You WILL find someone else. I promise.

 

So in closing, advice from a dumper ... forget about the dumper. Take an inventory of what you can learn from the relationship (this is very important!), and move on from this person. You deserve better than what they are unable to give you, for whatever reason. Trust me.

 

Oh, and if you have any questions for me, feel free to ask.

Edited May 24, 2016 by DontBreakEven

[Trinity_84]

I was the dumper in my last relationship and it hurt almost as bad as being a dumpee. Why? Because I was still in love when I initiated the break up. I second-guessed myself for a month afterwards.

 

Ultimately I knew it was the right decision though, and my instincts kept yelling at me to leave; even though it hurt like a *****, I needed to work on myself because being in a relationship was bringing up ALL my insecurities and hurting my partner in the process.

 

I don't know how the "dumpee" is dealing with the break-up, nor do I want to know. I hope they're doing well though, I will always love them, they were a big part of my life for a while.

 

NC is key.

[Gretzky99]

If what you said is indeed true, does being a dumper also hurt if they left you because they had someone else in the wings??? I'm only asking because I have never been a dumper and only recently found out after a many months passed bye that my ex dumped me because there was another guy (Currently, they've been in a relationship for months) although at the time of the breakup she swore up and down that there wasn't another guy. Somehow, I don't imagine a dumper to have had any inking minute thoughts of pain or regret if this was the case, while on the other hand a dumpee has to go through a great deal amount of pain/

[Sunnymae]

Did any of them try to get back with you?

 

When you dumped them was it usually for someone else?

 

Would you consider getting back with someone if they asked to try it again?

[triple-s]

Great post ; question ---- did you love that person you dumped ? obviously you didnt otherwise you wouldnt have dumped them right ?

 

curious -- you dont have to go into detail but what were some of the redflags that made you dump that partner ? specifics please

[ASG]

Great post ; question ---- did you love that person you dumped ? obviously you didnt otherwise you wouldnt have dumped them right ?

 

curious -- you dont have to go into detail but what were some of the redflags that made you dump that partner ? specifics please

 

What has that got to do with anything?

When I broke up with my ex (it was initiated by me, but he was definitely on board), I did it not because I didn't love him, but because we were so truly terrible together it was affecting our lives.

 

And it took me a very long time to accept that the relationship wasn't going to work. Looking back, there were signs in THE FIRST WEEK of our relationship that we were NOT compatible in any way for a LTR. But we carried on, ignoring the red flags.

 

A few months down the line, the honeymoon period was over and the cracks began to show in full. We dated for another few months, with constant fights, but I wasn't ready to let go. Until we had one last non fight (basically we spent a day together without barely talking to each other) and I decided it was time to call it quits.

 

I was devastated, but knew it was completely the right choice.

[DontBreakEven]

If what you said is indeed true, does being a dumper also hurt if they left you because they had someone else in the wings??? I'm only asking because I have never been a dumper and only recently found out after a many months passed bye that my ex dumped me because there was another guy (Currently, they've been in a relationship for months) although at the time of the breakup she swore up and down that there wasn't another guy. Somehow, I don't imagine a dumper to have had any inking minute thoughts of pain or regret if this was the case, while on the other hand a dumpee has to go through a great deal amount of pain

 

 

I would assume that yes, it's still very difficult. Especially with that guilt of knowing that you hurt someone in order to be with someone else?? Yes, I would say it still is just as hard for them. And as soon as an issue comes up with the new person, they will probably inevitably compare

 

Sorry, double post but I didn't quote correctly

[DontBreakEven]

Did any of them try to get back with you?

 

When you dumped them was it usually for someone else?

 

Would you consider getting back with someone if they asked to try it again?

 

Yes she tried. She tried by making me jealous, and succeeded. The issues STILL came up and the next dumping was worse.

 

No I dumped her because of the issues with the relationship that I couldn't get past.

 

I don't think I would with her. There is something extremely incompatible with us that I can't get over. I wish though that she could hold me and kiss me every night. I just can't live my life with her.

[DontBreakEven]

Great post ; question ---- did you love that person you dumped ? obviously you didnt otherwise you wouldnt have dumped them right ?

 

curious -- you dont have to go into detail but what were some of the redflags that made you dump that partner ? specifics please

 

Yes I loved her dearly. Still do.

 

The red flags were the gross incompatibility. Different mental plains. The way she'd act and treat me when she didn't get her way. The fact that she was kind of totally out of her mind when it came to reality. The immaturity. The "rules weren't made for me" attitude. The verbal abuse (that she didn't seem to see a problem with). The fact that I couldn't fathom introducing her to my mother, to name a few.

 

And yet, I still love that girl.

[DontBreakEven]

What has that got to do with anything?

When I broke up with my ex (it was initiated by me, but he was definitely on board), I did it not because I didn't love him, but because we were so truly terrible together it was affecting our lives.

 

And it took me a very long time to accept that the relationship wasn't going to work. Looking back, there were signs in THE FIRST WEEK of our relationship that we were NOT compatible in any way for a LTR. But we carried on, ignoring the red flags.

 

A few months down the line, the honeymoon period was over and the cracks began to show in full. We dated for another few months, with constant fights, but I wasn't ready to let go. Until we had one last non fight (basically we spent a day together without barely talking to each other) and I decided it was time to call it quits.

 

I was devastated, but knew it was completely the right choice.

 

THIS THIS and more THIS.

[toastytiger]

Thank you for sharing. It can be easy, as the dumpee, to feel alone in the pain and disappointment. Especially when the dumper is already involved with someone else. (can they really be hurting that badly when they can distract themselves with the excitement of a new love?) I'm also surprised that I can be so stubborn in loving someone or the idea of them, that I ignore the signs and refuse to believe it won't work.

 

I feel like the biggest difference is in preparedness. The dumper has much more time to prepare for the break up, while the dumpee is blindsided and has to deal with going through the stage of denial.

 

So,

IF what you feel that you need is revenge, or some sort of pride and power, honestly the best thing to do is tell your dumper you want nothing to do with them, and go live your life. Move on from them. I'm not saying to do this as a way to try and get them back, because honestly it probably won't work, but it will give them a twinge of second-guessing, if anything. That I do promise. Radio silence and honestly move on. Not bs NC while secretly pining away for them. Just really try and move on from this person who didn't see you as important enough or good enough to be with them forever. And while you are setting about to do this, I'm sure you really will move on. Fake it till you make it, if need be. But don't give your dumper another second or minute of your time. Truly, it's wasted time.

 

Ah, revenge, pride, and power. You read my mind...

However, I struggle with the idea of NC. It seems so rude? Or out of social etiquette to me? I've been choosing to just reply with very short answers and not further conversation if he contacts.

Do you just go radio silence without warning? Or do you say, "hey I'm not going to reply to you anymore. Bye." I also run into my ex at similar events sometimes so it's hard.

I almost feel that it's stronger to be able to maintain minimal response, while still keeping distance. I guess it just feels inhumane to me. Maybe I don't get it.

[DontBreakEven]

Ah, revenge, pride, and power. You read my mind...

However, I struggle with the idea of NC. It seems so rude? Or out of social etiquette to me? I've been choosing to just reply with very short answers and not further conversation if he contacts.

Do you just go radio silence without warning? Or do you say, "hey I'm not going to reply to you anymore. Bye." I also run into my ex at similar events sometimes so it's hard.

I almost feel that it's stronger to be able to maintain minimal response, while still keeping distance. I guess it just feels inhumane to me. Maybe I don't get it.

 

I mean, it really depends on what you want to achieve. Pretty much nothing is going to get them back (and even if it does, same crap will come back up and you'll be right back to where you are). So if what you want is friendship and you are okay with that, approach it from that angle. Respond and be polite and be friends.

 

But if what you want is pride and revenge, ghost them. I know this, because I feel the most hurt and guilty and longing when she tells me she doesn't want sh*t to do with me, and I truly never hear from her. Drives me insane. Does it make me want to get back together? No. But it sure as sh*t make me hurt, second-guess, think about her more. So, there's your revenge.

[DontBreakEven]

I feel like the biggest difference is in preparedness. The dumper has much more time to prepare for the break up, while the dumpee is blindsided and has to deal with going through the stage of denial.

 

Yes, this is true.

 

But like I said, the dumpee should have prepared. They didn't see the signs. I know this as I've been a perpetual dumpee, as I've said. A screen shot of a text with my ex that dumped me last year popped up on my Timehop. Reading it now, it was soooooo obvious what she was saying. I was just so in love and oblivious to any of it. Honestly.

 

My recent ex that I dumped had to have been the same way. I don't understand HOW she was shocked, but she was. I told her soooo many times how unhappy I was becoming. Dumpees don't listen. That's why I said in the post, there were signs and you weren't paying attention. Sad to even know, actually, you maybe could have changed things if you had been ... If my ex would have listened to a WORD I said rather than fighting me on every little thing I would bring up, I would have stayed with her. But in the end, she didn't listen, and I couldn't live with it. Fell out of love.

[sooshi]

It's good to see you here DBE (I remember you from 2014). Two broken engagements here too. Thanks for your opening post. It was helpful. Take care.

[drallafi]

Brilliantly written and well said.

 

I dumped someone after an 11 year relationship last year.

 

Hardest thing I've ever done in life. Took me almost 9 months before I started to feel somewhat normal again.

 

OP is right, dumper thinks about you probably as much as you think about them.

Dumper worries about you.

Dumper has probably fought the urge to call you up and give it another shot just as many times as you have.

 

There are no winners when a relationship ends. It just sucks.

[no-zen]

Hello DBE. I've just been dumped unexpectedly 3 weeks ago from a 6.5 year relationship. I like your original post and I thinks its true because I've also been the dumper in the past.

 

 

However, I question your statement that the dumpee should have been prepared just as the dumper. Even if the dumper has said he/she is not happy, without more communication, is the dumpee just supposed to be ready for the dump? The dumper should be actively communicating how to fix things. For example, my dumper never actually said anything about breaking up or really anything at all specific to me except vague comments. Admittedly, we were having some issues and it came to head in a bad argument, but the dump phone call that came three days later (after I had apologized several times for the argument) was out of the blue and totally final. The hang up was our last contact. She refused to answer subsequent texts, so I've been no contact just to recover my sanity. I feel crushed about our argument since she referenced that during the phone call, but she also never game me a chance to discuss it or anything else. She just made a decision.

 

 

I don't believe that a dumper really "owes" anything to the dumpee other than civility during the dump moment. But the situations are not equivalent and it feels to me that you are trying to make that claim.

[lana-banana]

I'm a little disturbed by some of the sentiments expressed here. Are there really that many people that haven't ended relationships? Recognizing something doesn't work and ending it is an essential part of functioning as an adult. If you're always the one clinging to relationships, something is probably wrong. I don't think I would want to date an adult who had never initiated a breakup.

 

Also, the whole thing about feeling just as much pain as the person you dumped? Don't be ridiculous. Sometimes it can be difficult but it's not remotely the same. I know I've broken a few hearts and, while I felt a bit of momentary guilt, didn't hurt me at all. I was relieved and glad when the relationship was over, like I'd pulled off a Band-Aid that'd been on too long or freed myself from an uncomfortable pair of shoes.

[DontBreakEven]

However, I question your statement that the dumpee should have been prepared just as the dumper. Even if the dumper has said he/she is not happy, without more communication, is the dumpee just supposed to be ready for the dump? The dumper should be actively communicating how to fix things. For example, my dumper never actually said anything about breaking up or really anything at all specific to me except vague comments. Admittedly, we were having some issues and it came to head in a bad argument, but the dump phone call that came three days later (after I had apologized several times for the argument) was out of the blue and totally final. The hang up was our last contact. She refused to answer subsequent texts, so I've been no contact just to recover my sanity. I feel crushed about our argument since she referenced that during the phone call, but she also never game me a chance to discuss it or anything else. She just made a decision.

 

The claim I am trying to make is that, as far as I know, it's not just "a decision". It wasn't just that one fight. Regardless of if they mentioned breaking up ever, the issues that were there were wearing on them, and whether you realized it or not, things were adding up for them.

 

Should the dumper be communicative when these things show? Absolutely!! The problem is, I feel like most times it seems that the dumper actually IS (now that I've taken a fearless inventory of the times I've been dumped. There were many times they said something to the tune of "this is not okay with me", "or can you please just listen to me for once on this", or whatever it is). I would just wave it off. Oh, they love me. So what if they are annoyed all the time that I don't take the trash out. It's a cute idiosyncrasy. (Or whatever the issue they have brought up is, that you just don't realize is THAT big of a deal for them). I mean hell, I know why my ex fiance left me. I STILL think it's ridiculous, but the behaviors I presented were deal breakers to her. Many others wouldn't care, but for her, she just couldn't do it. And she would mention how it was a big deal to her, and I wouldn't listen. I'd be like, really? Really that bothers you that much? Ridiculous. But no ... not ridiculous to her.

 

My ex thinks we could have worked out. I don't. What was fine in a relationship with her, was not fine to me. It wasn't worth working on for me. It was too much stress that was causing my feelings to wane.

 

So, what I'm saying is, usually the dumper DOES actively communicate. The dumpee, for whatever reason, fails to listen, and feels blindsided.

 

I know when my ex fi dumped me, she said "this is nothing new, DBE!!" And to her, it wasn't. To me, it was, because I was over there in lala in love land. She didn't have things about her that broke my deal. I did, for her.

 

But I'm sure there are dumpers who don't communicate at all, and that is messed up, and good riddance because a relationship without adequate communication is not one that you really want anyway.

[DontBreakEven]

Also, the whole thing about feeling just as much pain as the person you dumped? Don't be ridiculous. Sometimes it can be difficult but it's not remotely the same. I know I've broken a few hearts and, while I felt a bit of momentary guilt, didn't hurt me at all. I was relieved and glad when the relationship was over, like I'd pulled off a Band-Aid that'd been on too long or freed myself from an uncomfortable pair of shoes.

 

I'd argue to say that sometimes it happens. You can't just lump every situation into one. The pain is just a different type of pain, yes.

[DontBreakEven]

I'm a little disturbed by some of the sentiments expressed here. Are there really that many people that haven't ended relationships? Recognizing something doesn't work and ending it is an essential part of functioning as an adult. If you're always the one clinging to relationships, something is probably wrong. I don't think I would want to date an adult who had never initiated a breakup.

 

I'm 33 and hadn't until now. I was a total clinger. Being dumped so many times is actually what forced me to grow up and take a good look at what it is that I actually want and don't want. That's why I'm in this situation now. Instead of just falling for the romance and that be the entirety of the relationship (like I always used to), I actually asked myself, for once, is this really the right fit for me? It wasn't. And I hurt a young, inexperienced person just like I used to be. Who would've clung to me till the end of time if I let her. I've finally grown up. It sucks.